Chapter 31 - Izzy

There’s a bounce in my step as I walk down to the nearest subway station. Life is good. I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt this carefree and the last time I’ve spent time with a man that made me feel so great about myself. I could have stayed with him all day and all night and not gotten tired of him.

I make my way back to our own apartment in Queens and practically run up the stairs. Jess will be home soon, if she isn’t already. I get to our floor and look for my keys in my bag. As I’m rummaging through my things, I hear small footsteps running towards the door. It flies open and Jess runs into my arms. We collide in a hug.

“Iz! I had so much fun last night!”

“That’s great, kiddo,” I laugh. “So did I!”

“I told everyone we were going to the circus and they were so jealous! I can’t wait to go! You’re the best big sister ever, Jess!”

My heart is singing. We go inside and sit down together and Jess tells me in great detail all the developments of the complex fifth-grade social network she’s part of. I can hardly keep up but I nod along and ask questions when I’m supposed to.

“Becky was SO jealous we were going to the circus, Iz, you should have seen her face! Ha!”

“Now, Jess, it’s no good being nasty,” I say in my best Big Sister Voice.

“But she’s so mean to me! She calls me names and makes fun of me!”

I sigh. “I’ll talk to you teacher about it tomorrow morning, ok?” I ruffle her hair and think of myself when I was her age. They were awful years, when my parents were fighting and my mother’s abuse was just starting to get bad. It only got worse from then on, and I started misbehaving at school and lashing out. Hannah used to bring me back down to earth whenever it got unbearable. I look at my little sister, who never experienced any of that. By the time she was a year old, my mother took off and never came back.

I look at Jess and smile. “It’s important to try to be compassionate all the time, do you understand? You never know what someone might be going through at home.”

“But why would she take it out on me? I haven’t done anything to her!” Her little face scrunches up and I fight back a smile. I wish I was eleven years old, just learning about people and how horrible they can be. I take a deep breath and try to explain to her again. “She might see you as a smart, popular, pretty girl with lots of friends and be jealous of that. But no matter what, you shouldn’t sink to her level. Kindness is always the most important thing.”

Jess nods and cocks her head to one side. I can tell she’s thinking, the gears in her head crashing around as she processes what I’ve just told her. Finally her face brightens up and she looks at me with a huge grin.

“She told me she liked my purse one time, the one with the princesses on it. I’ll give it to her! I bet she would like that! Maybe we can be friends after.”

I smile and my heart grows in my chest. “That sounds great, Jess. I’m sure she’d be really happy. That’s very nice of you.”

“I’m going to go put it in my bag so I don’t forget! I’ll give it to her tomorrow!”

She runs off to her room and I hear her moving things around looking for the purse. I sit back and take a deep breath. She learns so quickly, and her instinct is always to give. She makes me so proud to call her my sister. I wish adult relationships were that easy to figure out.

I pull out my phone from my purse and see a new notification. My heart skips a beat when I see Dave’s name.

Thinking of you.

Warmth rushes through me as I read the words over and over. How did we get here? A short while ago he could hardly look at me, and now he’s sending me texts that he’s missing me. I’m not complaining though, I wish I was with him right now. Our little apartment seems so dark and dingy compared to his. It’s not even that it’s not a fancy loft like his place, it’s just not as homey as I remember it. It’s almost… lonely.

I answer:

Me too, can’t wait to see you tomorrow xx

I take a great big sigh and get up, walking to the kitchen. Might as well get my mind off Dave Langley and make myself useful. For the first time in a long, long time we have a full fridge and a full pantry. I can prep Jess’s lunch properly and make us a hearty dinner. As much as this arrangement with Dave has morphed into… whatever this is between us… I still know that Jess comes first.

Next week, the three of us will go to Cirque du Soleil. Like a real family, I think with a smile. In a hidden back corner of my mind, hope sparks up that maybe this could work. Maybe I can have Jess and Dave in my life, and happiness isn’t out of reach for me.