The sound of my ring tone blaring jolted me awake. I was about to reach for my phone when it suddenly dawned on me that there was a strong, heavy arm clutching my waist.

Blake.

I turned around to see if the noise had awoken him, but his steady breathing showed he was fast asleep. I unhooked his draping arm carefully as I slid off the bed, grabbed my phone from the side table and left the bedroom as I softly made my way to the living room.

Why did Blake sleep next to me? He didn’t the night before last.

Either way, I was happy he did.

The entire flat was dark, but the moonlight helped me find my way around. When my toe touched the plush, black area rug, I opened my phone to see who the caller was. Who would call me at this time of night? Luce? Jen?

Kyle. It was him. Again.

I might as well get this out of the way. If I had to start considering being with Blake, it was best to clear out as much “Kyle baggage” as I could. The other issues I had would continue needing to be worked on. I’d have to talk to Chad, my gay, go-to person and a very dear friend, about this. He was my unofficial therapist.

Tapping on the call back button, he immediately picked up after a couple of rings.

“God, Sienna! I’ve been going crazy here! Are you okay, baby?” Kyle sounded frantic and like he was going crazy. Why is he still pursuing this issue? He made it perfectly obvious what his intentions were the last time I saw him.

“Yeah, Kyle; I’m great! This call better be important if you had to wake me up at FOUR in the morning. So, what do you want, Matthews?” I sounded exactly how I felt; furious and annoyed.

“Jesus, baby, take it easy, will you? I’ve been trying to reach you, but you’ve been ignori—”

“It was done with good reason, Kyle! I told you—very clearly in fact—not to contact me again. But no, no, no! You never listen to me. I’m hurting; that’s a given. It wasn’t just our dating relationship that ended; I lost my childhood best friend, too! So, am I okay with that? Not really, but it was your choice. It was your choice to go behind my back—cheat—and start dating Brooke before having the decency—like other men do—to simply break-up with their girlfriend first!” I shrieked with erupting anger.

I heard him sigh, heavy and pained. “I’m sorry, Sienna, baby. I’ve been missing you so badly. I’ve been drinking non-stop and got a DUI. I had a hard time handling things without you. I am hurting, too. You left me, even if it was for school… but you left and went on with your life without me. When you called, happy and excited about your day, I felt left out. It had been you and me against the world since we were kids, but in the end… there was just me. I was lonely—I needed you—but I couldn’t beg you to give up your life for me. You already went through so much with your family. I can’t ask it of you. Breaking it off was the best thing to do—and I was getting by… trying to live my life… working harder on my career. It was helping and, for the first time since we said our goodbyes at the airport, I felt like I was living again.” He drew air into his lungs before continuing. Crap.

“When you showed up at Katie’s party, everything went down the drain… all the things I told myself that had helped me get through were forgotten the moment I saw you again. You looked even more beautiful…” He sounded choked up; his thoughts and feelings unconcealed. My stomach churned.

“I simply wanted you—I needed you, I still need you, Sienna—like air to breathe. You’re my life and I can’t just go on living and not be with you. Without you, I’m in hell. I’m desperate for you… and without a doubt… in my mind—my heart—I’m still hopelessly in love with you, Sienna,” his voice was barely a whisper. I wouldn’t have heard him if the apartment wasn’t so eerily quiet.

Oh Kyle! This conversation’s killing me inside. He was dying from pain. I felt it. I felt his pain and it tore me up inside because I didn’t want him to hurt. I love him, but I can’t go through this; I’m beyond hurt. The man who I’d placed so highly on a pedestal had crushingly betrayed me and appallingly let me down. That was something I couldn’t get past or forget about.

I sighed with a heavy heart, the weight pulling me down, “Kyle…”

“Sienna…” His voice came out gruff and anguished. “Please, please, I beg you. All these years I never asked much from you, but I’m begging you now, give me another chance. Let’s give us another shot. I won’t let you down this time. I promise you I’ll figure it out, speak to Dad and work in our branch in London. I’ll do anything. I’ll promise you anything. Just please, think about it? We can get married, if you want… I’d give anything to have you back… just please, Sienna, forgive me and love me again.”

He sounded so broken and extremely desperate.

I sat on the floor, leaning on the couch with my lips quivering. What he said broke me in two. If he had come clean and been honest about his feelings, we wouldn’t have broken up. We would still be together. Plan our lives, get married and have babies. It was what we talked about. He had thrown that out the window because he was lonely. I had been lonely, too, for the whole time we were apart, but I hadn’t acted on it. What I wanted most was trust, honesty and loyalty and Kyle lost on all three counts.

Can I take him back? After what he’s done, I could, possibly, try to see if things could work out if he’d showed remorse and guilt. I might’ve before—before Blake told me how he felt about me. Hold on, did he say anything about what he felt? Besides wanting me? No. He hadn’t. His intentions were clear, though. He wanted me, in his bed, yet other than that, he’d never spoken about any indication about the future. It was sex he was after—my whole cooperation—but not once did he mention he was after my heart.

I mentally shook my head. It doesn’t matter. My heart was not up for anyone to grab. Love made you weak and opened you up for pain and suffering. Never again! I took a chance with Kyle because he had been everything to me, but he’d reinstated my beliefs by proving them right.

“Kyle, I forgive you. I do. It would have been easier for us if you’d told me about your feelings then—how terrible it was for you—but you never uttered a word to me about your pain and I’m sorry for that. I am. However, asking me to give us another try? That’s a bit too much. I can’t trust you. You hurt me and I’m not ready to forgive that yet. I’m so sorry for everything, but it’s all too late now; I can’t be with you,” my voice trembled because each word punctured me deeply.

Never in a million years had I imagined that I would cause Kyle pain and suffering. I wanted him to be happy and part of me continued to want to take all that pain away. He meant that much to me, but I couldn’t sacrifice myself for his happiness.

I just couldn’t.

“So, please, I’m begging you now, Kyle, I need space. I can’t talk for a while. Maybe in a year we could be friends again, who knows? However, right now I simply can’t. We just have to move on with our lives, separately. Goodbye, Kyle… I’ll always miss you.” Those last two sentences were torturous to utter. The pain in my heart was so acute, I gasped for breath.

I immediately ended the call before he had the chance to speak. I almost ran to the bathroom across the hall, but I was careful not to make a lot of noise and wake up Blake. Blake awake was the last thing I needed right then. He’d grill me until he’d gotten all the facts as to why I was distraught.

The bathroom was dark and comforting. The moment I closed the door, I slid down it and sank onto the cold marble tiles then cried, hard. I cried because Kyle was the only family I had growing up. Because he was my best friend, my first love.

It hurt, but I didn’t have it in me to forget what Kyle had done. He made his bed. He simply needed to grow up and accept that sometimes things just didn’t work the way you pictured them.

After weeping for what seemed like an eternity, I washed my face and swollen eyes. I stared at the mirror, studying my distressed state, complete with blotchy skin from crying. That’s enough crying. You’ve shed it all and you have nothing left. Be strong.

I walked slowly back to the bedroom and positioned my body next to a sleeping Blake, curling up, closing my eyes and praying for sleep to come so I didn’t have to think about my life. Even if just for a little while. Experiencing that kind of loss certainly made me realize that life would never be the same again for me.

Kyle. He’d always be a part of me. I would always remember him as the man who took me in, held me close and protected me. He was my hero, my love, my best friend.

Goodbye, my Kyle. I will always miss you.