When Van and I split, I had trouble sleeping. I knew it was because I had spent so much time sleeping next to him that with him gone and the damage that he had done to me, sleep evaded me for weeks. The last two nights have been the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time. Admitting that, though, breaks my heart because it makes me realize that there were signs with Van that I was missing or too naïve to see. I thought what we had was a perfect marriage, and on the outside, we did. We were always affectionate to each other, especially when we were out in public. We rarely fought or argued, and now that I look back I see that we rarely spoke about anything that wasn’t band related.

I honestly can’t remember the last time he asked me about my day or complimented me on what I was wearing. Every conversation revolved around music, the band, and an upcoming album release or tour. Side chats about dinner or what party we had to attend.

As I sit outside on Levi’s deck, I wonder how I missed the complete shutdown of my marriage. The signs were there, but love blinded me from seeing what was right in front of my face. Of course, thinking about it now makes me wonder how many times Van cheated before he got caught. I know of one other or at least suspect that he and Laura have been together, but how many more are there? I’m not sure that is an answer that I want to know. I don’t know if I could stomach knowing that Van was disrespecting me any longer than I already know.

Sifting through my phone, I find myself smiling at the picture of Levi and me, even though I hate that it’s out there. I was stupid to think that no one would have a cell phone handy, but I couldn’t resist kissing him. It’s hard for me to pinpoint my attraction to him Be it the trucker hat that he wears, his cowboy boots, the jeans that hug is ass perfectly, the smile he seems to have every time I’m near or the fact that when I’m with him, I don’t feel like I’m competing for attention. I loved walking down the street with him yesterday, perusing the shops and acting like every other couple on the sidewalks. No one was bothering him or me, asking for autographs or pictures. Our names weren't being called out. We weren’t being questioned about what we were doing together. Yesterday was perfect, despite our private moment being caught and shared on every social media channel. If I had to do it all over again, I would because I loved every minute of being with Levi.

The headlines hurt though, calling him a rebound. I suppose from the outside that is what he looks like, but that isn’t how this feels. Everything feels real as if this is the first time I’m falling in love, which I know isn’t possible because I haven’t known him that long. I have never been one to believe in love at first sight. Lust, sure, and that is definitely there between us, but feeling the other L word just isn’t possible.

Missing him is, though, and he hasn’t been gone that long. Waking up to an empty bed felt like what we had been sharing the past few days was nothing more than a dream, except his cologne covered his pillow and quickly became something I could wrap my arms around.

Levi left me notes throughout the house, each one reminding me of simple things like where the mugs were for coffee, how to turn the pool lights on, and what the code is for the security system. The best one though was the one I found sticking to the bathroom mirror telling me that he’s going to miss me, but that he’d be home soon.

It was the word home that really made me smile. Ever since I arrived there has only been one instance where I felt out of place, and Levi apologized for that. I was too forward and scared him. Truthfully, I scared myself too. Kissing him was not part of the plan, but I’m so thankful that I did and that he reciprocated because it’s been the most amazing feeling, being wrapped in his arms.

Darian’s face pops up, taking over the images of Levi and me together. I contemplate letting him go to voicemail but know that this conversation has to happen regardless of it being now or not. Putting it off isn’t going to change the fact that everyone knows that Zara Phillips was caught making out with Levi Austin.

“Hello, Darian.”

“Ah, my sister is alive and well… oh, wait. I know she’s alive because she’s sucking face with some country music star.” Darian says the last part with some bite. I honestly don’t care if he has a problem with Levi’s profession.

“I wasn’t aware that there were rumors about my death. I must’ve missed those.”

“Surely you saw where you were caught kissing another man?”

I roll my eyes. I thought for sure Darian would stay on my side with this divorce, but maybe that isn’t the case right now. “I was kissing a man, not another. In case you’ve forgotten, I’m single.”

“And ready to mingle, I take it. Who is this guy?” he asks before I can respond to his stupid pun.

“Levi Austin. You should look him up.”

“I did, Z, and seriously, a country star? What on earth could you have in common?”

Nothing and that’s the beauty of it all. I like that we have to ask each other questions because we don’t run in the same circles, that we have to take the time to communicate and not already know everything about each other because we have the same background. Sitting with Levi and asking him about his town, his music, and career, learning about the girls, the horses and being immersed in his life has proven that two people can connect when they’re opposites.

“It’s not all about what you have in common with someone, Darian. You can’t honestly tell me that each time you hook up with someone, you stop and think about stuff like that.”

“That’s different. That’s just sex. Are you saying this is just sex between the two of you?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Right. And from what Laura says, you’re shacking up with him?”

I look behind me at the house and smile. If this is a shack, sign me up. “I like him, D.”

“This is nothing more than a rebound fuck, Zara. The band, hell even Van, we don’t understand what’s going on here.”

My throat tightens, and I close my eyes to ward off the tears, but it’s too late. Everything around me turns blurry. He’s my brother. He’s supposed to be on my side through everything. “Van cheated on me, Darian. He took the trust I had in him, the vows that he promised to me, and violated them in the worst possible way.”

“He’s sick, Z.”

“So he says. It’s a likely excuse to claim you’re a sex addict when your wife catches you in the act. Do you grasp that, Darian? Do you realize that I walked in on my husband fucking another woman and he didn’t stop right away? He continued while I watched him and acted as if I was inconveniencing him. Not to mention that after I left, he went and finished the deed. He came home smelling like her. Who the hell does that?”

“A man who is sick and suffering.”

I balk at his comment and dig deep within me to keep him on the line. “I have to know, what changed? Because a month ago when I told you, you were team Zara and now you’re team Van.”

“I’m team Reverend Sister, and right now we’re falling apart because you’re off sucking tongue with some Podunk dude who isn’t your husband. I’m trying to look out for us, the band that is your family and you seem content to throw it all away because Van made a mistake.”

“I have to go, Darian,” I tell him before I hang up. He calls me right back, but I send him to voicemail. If he can’t understand where I’m coming from, then there is no need for us to talk.

I think about sulking or drowning myself in a bottle of booze to numb the nagging voice in the back of my head, but realize that doing so will only increase the pain when I’m sober. I’m here at Levi’s and happy. He’s given me a safe haven, away from the media spectacle that was my life in Los Angeles and offered me peace and quiet in his home.

Staring at my phone, I realize that holding it in my hand is only making me edgy. I shoot off a text to Levi, telling him that I’m powering down but that I’m making breakfast for him and the girls for when they arrive in the morning. I have no preconceived notions about what happens when the girls get here. For all I know, they’re not happy. Not that I can blame them. I know what it’s like to be replaced by another woman, except my father took it one step further and created a whole new family, forgetting about Darian and me.

That’s the last thing I want to do to his girls. I never want to come between him and his daughters especially with the recent passing of their mother. I can’t imagine what they’re going through. My mom is my best friend and aside from Levi, the only one on my side. She deserves a call though, to let her know what’s going on with Levi, but I know I’ll unload my conversation with Darian onto her shoulders and that is something I don’t want to do. This is my battle and one that I need to figure out. I have a feeling the band is going to give me an ultimatum. It’s going to come down to whether or not I can forgive Van enough to continue performing together or if I call it quits. There’s no doubt in my mind that the band is going to side with him.

Instead of burying myself in a bottle of Jack, I decide that a few laps would be better for me except by the time I have my suit on, I can hear someone turning off the alarm system.

“Hello?” I call out as I try to cover myself up. As luck would have it, Barbara is standing in the hallway, looking over my shoulder and through the door, almost as if she suspects someone is in Levi’s room. “Hi, Barbara.” I’m trying to be sweet, but the look she’s giving me makes me feel uncomfortable.

“I brought lunch,” she says, holding up a couple of white bags. As if on cue, my stomach growls, and she cracks a smile. “I told Levi that I would stop by and make sure you didn’t need anything.”

“And to prove that I’m using him?” I hedge.

Barbara shrugs. “I may not like that you’re here, but Levi does, and he’s important to me,” she says, opening the bags. “I’m paid to protect him… even from himself.”

I sit on one of the stools across from her and wait for her to push a plate toward me, contemplating what she means about Levi. I wish Laura was more like Barbara and looked after me as a person and not just my checkbook.

“Levi likes you, Zara, and because of that, it’s why I’m here. He asked me to look after you, even though he’ll be back this evening and I’m sure you’re capable of caring for yourself.”

“I am,” I tell her. “But I’m glad you’re here.”

“Why’s that, exactly?” she asks.

“For one, I want to know if you’ll take me on as a client--”

“And the other?” she asks, interrupting me.

“I told Levi that I would make breakfast for him and the girls. I know they’ll be home early, but wanted something ready for when they got here.”

“And you need my help?”

“Or thoughts on what the girls like to eat,” I say with a shrug.

“Their mama wasn’t much of a cook so I can’t imagine they’ve been eating very well…” she trails off, almost as if she remembers a different time. She clears her throat and gives me a curt smile. “It’ll be early, so I imagine they’ll appreciate French toast. It’s Stormy’s favorite, and from what I can gather she’s not very thrilled that you’re here.”

“It’s my favorite too.” I ignore the jab about Stormy not liking the idea that I’m here.

Barbara nods. “As far as me working for you… Levi told me about your publicist. That’s not how I work and would gladly take you on as a client.”

“Thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me.”

“Just don’t hurt my boy,” she says, her demeanor’s back in place. I nod and turn my attention toward my lunch without saying another thing.