CHAPTER TWENTY
Drew
I sank my teeth into my fist as I watched Millie leave the barn, holding back my emotions. Rage and sorrow were filling me up from my boots to my teeth, begging to escape in loud yells. But I couldn’t let them out.
I had to let her go.
But fuck, why did she have to make this harder than what it already was by throwin’ love into the mix? She didn’t have to say it. We both could have gone our separate ways just knowin’ that deep in our bones a magic was made between us and we could’ve left it at that.
Goddamn her.
The tips of my fingers began to tingle as I thought of how soft and silky her skin was beneath my fingers. That was a touch I didn’t wanna give up but had to.
Fuck Alan. Fuck him and his scumball schemes.
The rage and sorrow I’d been holding back with my teeth as I clenched my fist unleashed as I threw my fist against the wall, knocking a hole clean through the wood. The only mess I’d made here that I’d actually be able to clean up.
An image of her face would forever be burned into my mind. I had hurt her so badly with my words and actions, and yet there was no takin’ ‘em back.
I had opened a can of worms that I couldn’t close, and in the process, I had gotten what I wanted by pushin’ her away. Walkin’ over to the small workbench in the corner of the barn, I grabbed a hammer and started ripping at the wood I’d broken with my punch. I’d have to go and buy a new slab of wood before anyone noticed.
I worked quickly, but I was so caught up in the anger coursing through me and the thoughts running rampant in my mind that I hadn’t noticed Samuel walking up to the barn entrance. The sun was setting off in the distance, and I knew I was in for some type of lecture. Sam’s boots shuffled across the gravel as he entered the barn.
“Drew…there’s somethin’ I need to discuss with you.” Sam’s voice was low and raspy.
I pushed my nerves down my throat with a swallow and waited for what he was about to say.
Had Millie gone off and told him everything? She couldn’t have, could she? Either way, whatever lashing that was coming my way was one I deserved.
“Yes, sir. All ears.”
“I wanna tell ya about what was found at my appointment… “There was a long pause, and the nervous knots in my belly grew.
“They’ve diagnosed me with stage four lung cancer and there ain't a damn thing they can do. I can do chemo, but they said it probably ain’t gonna do a damn good, so I’ve made the decision to stay on the farm with my girls and die happy here.”
My heart dropped to the steel toes of my boots. Losin’ me was somethin’ Millie could get over quickly, but losin’ her daddy… That was a wound that would stay forever and one she’d be reminded everyday of.
“That’s some shit news, Sam. I ain’t gonna lie.” I exhaled. Everything was hanging precariously in the balance, and if one thing was off, everything would come crumbling to the ground. Millie needed her daddy.
“It is what it is, boy. Shit happens and we’re all bound to die. It’s the only damn thing true in this life.” Sam reached up and removed his hat before he continued. “I’m gonna need your support around here more than ever before now, ya know that, right? We’re all gonna need ya ‘round here, Drew. To keep the sanity here for us.” His voice cracked at the end of his statement, and guilt swarmed my being.
How did I break the news to him now? I couldn’t do that to a dyin’ man, but what other choice did I have?
“Sir, I’m really sorry to hear about all of this…and I hate even more that I actually have to be quittin’ at such an inopportune time. But I’ll do all I can for ya before I leave.” I couldn’t look in his eyes anymore, so I shifted my gaze toward the dirt beneath my boots.
“You're leavin’? How the hell you gonna leave? You've got a family here for ya now, Drew. How ya gonna explain that to Millie?” My curiosity piqued at his concern of how Millie was gonna take the news.
“I know, Sam, and I'll forever be grateful for all you’ve done for me, and I’ll always have a place in my heart for y’all.” I avoided the topic of Millie because that was a conversation I didn’t want to have with the farmer about his daughter. I already had to face the battle with her, and I wasn’t about to lie straight into a dyin’ man’s face about my feelin’s for his daughter.
“I see the way you kids look at each other…” Sam huffed out a laugh. “My wife and I used to look at each other the same way when we were y’alls age.”
I wasn’t having this conversation with him.
“Nothin’ is going on between us, sir,” I half lied, since nothin’ really was going on at this point and time between us.
“I’ve done my fair share of bullshittin’, son. I’ll respect your privacy, but I know what’s goin’ on, and I’m gonna tell ya right now, Mr. Drew Weston, you’ve got my blessin’.”
Goddamn it, I couldn’t get around this with him no matter what I did. Leavin’ protected ‘em all, but stayin’ gave ‘em the security they needed.
“I’ll think about it, sir. I don’t want to leave ya high and dry, so I’ll figure somethin’ out. Though, it’s probably not gonna be what ya need, so it’d be best if we start lookin’ for more help.” I couldn’t tell him that I already broke Millie’s heart, so there was no point in stayin’ for her. I done gone and made her hate me enough for life, and them next I was sure.
“I hope you choose what’s best, son. ‘Cause them girls, Nora and Millie, are gonna need a man of the house.” I nodded, understanding exactly what it was he was saying but knowing there wasn’t nothin’ I could do about it. I done made my bed, and now I had to lie in it.
“I’ll do whatever I can, sir,” I promised, and he pulled me into a tight hug, his arms wrapping around me tightly, his hug remindin’ me of my grandpop. My heart was aching for the pain I would cause everyone here from leavin’, but I was a man of my word, and I would do anythin’ to protect Millie, even if it meant givin’ her up.
“Good, and I’ll stick around so long as I can, too. Please keep this between us. I can’t have the girls knowin’ just yet. Millie’s a worry wart, and Nora would bake us right out of the house.” I laughed, even though it was forced.
“I’m gonna work on fixing up the porch and repaintin’ it. I hope that’s okay?”
Sam brought his hat back on top of his and nodded.
“Ya know, I was s’posed to fix that damn porch before my wife passed. I bet she’s throwin’ a party in her grave knowin’ it’s finally gon’ get done.” He chuckled softly, and it was followed by hoarse coughing. I watched him intently, extending a hand to him as his whole body shook with each cough that rattled his chest.
“Sam, ya okay?” The coughs came harder and somethin’ inside me snapped. I had to do somethin’. Sam fell to his knees and his fingers dug into the dirt as though he was trying to pull air deep from within the ground.
“Ya got your inhaler, buddy?” I asked, trying to remain calm. He shook his head vigorously, and I knew this time was far worse than the last. I pulled him up to his feet and walked him to the wheel barrel, sittin’ him gently into it, then I wheeled it up the small hill and straight to my truck.
“Millie! Nora! Millie! Nora!” I screamed over and over. Millie came runnin’ out first and helped me get her daddy into the back seat of the truck, and then she hopped into the passenger side.
“Nora will just have to drive her car to the hospital and meet us there. Let’s go!” Millie screamed at me, her words laced with panic. Her face was pale and her hands were visibly shaking; hell, her whole body was shaking. I reached my hand over to her arm to calm her, and she shook off my touch.
I had really fucked things up with her, hadn’t I?
I drove as quickly as possible to the hospital with Samuel coughing in the back the entire time and Millie sitting in the front seat next to me, numb and cold. She shivered, her dark green eyes wide as tears slipped down her beautiful face. I knew she needed me, I knew she wanted me, but she was far too angry with me and hurt by me for the things I’d said and for forcin’ myself to leave, not to mention the fact that she was as stubborn as a damn bull.
I pulled the truck into the front of the hospital and into the emergency lane. I hopped out quickly and Millie ran into the hospital screamin’ for quick help. I opened up the back door and steadied Samuel up with his back against the seat.
“You’re gon’ be okay, buddy. Everythin’ll be just fine.” I tried to soothe him as best as I knew how. After a minute or two, Millie came runnin’ back out with a couple nurses and a wheelchair. The nurses and I picked Samuel up out of the truck and sat him down in the wheelchair, then the nurses rushed him through the emergency room doors.
Fear rushed through me, and the only thing I could think to do for Sam was protect what was right in front of me. Seeing Millie’s small frame shake, I reached my arm around her, trying to comfort her, but she pushed me away yet again.
“Keep your hands off me, Drew. I may be in a vulnerable state right now, but I’m strong enough not to fall for your bullshit again. When you can admit that you’re a damn fool and you’re lyin’ to yourself and me, then maybe…and I said maybe...we can work out an arrangement. Until then, you’re just the help and you keep your goddamn hands to yourself,” Millie spat her words at me and wiped the tears from her eyes.
I nodded, acknowledging what she had said, following behind Millie as she ran to catch up with the nurses and Sam. We both watched as they positioned Sam onto a stretcher and hooked him up to oxygen before admitting him to a room.
Millie and I sat in the waitin’ room waitin’ for a nurse or doctor to come, and the tension just seemed to mount between us. I was so wrong to treat her as I had earlier, but I couldn’t take it back now. Not after I’d already said what I had.
“Are you Millie Houzner?” A nurse sauntered up to us. She looked tired, but a tiny smile pulled at her lips.
“I am.” Millie shot up from her seat.
“Great. Your daddy is pretty well known here…” She seemed to snicker under her breath, and I assumed it had everything to do with how big of a pain in the ass he was for all of them.
“Is he okay?” Millie missed the humor and sunk right into the info.
“Well, as good as a man can be when he’s got stage four cancer.” The nurse slid her clipboard underneath her arm and eyed us both. Millie’s face turned pure white as she swayed on her legs, and I placed a steadying hand on her shoulder.
“He’s got stage four….” I could see the pain in her eyes, and I felt horrible knowing just how bad her daddy was when she didn’t even have the first clue.
“I’m sorry, I thought he told you.” The nurse frowned.
“Can I see him?” Her voice cracked, even though she’d only spoken in a whisper. I knew she was barely holding on, a shred away from being ripped right down the middle.
“Where is he?” Nora’s voice boomed right behind us, and Millie moved away from me and to her sister, wrapping her arms around her tightly.
“The doctor’s going to be out here shortly, and he’ll let you know what’s going on. For right now, we're gonna get him calmed down, get his breathin’ under control, and then you’re welcome to come into the room and see him.” My heart was racing. I couldn’t leave Sam under these circumstances. No matter how badly I wanted to protect Millie and her family, leavin’ them like this would do more harm than good.
“All right, we'll be here,” Nora announced, taking charge when Millie and I couldn’t manage to speak. It was all finally becoming real, and the fact that Samuel had hidden how badly his cancer really was. He didn’t hire me months ago for a job. He hired me to take care of the girls. He knew what it was that he was doin’ when he asked me to join the Houzner farm.
The nurse gave us a smile before walking away and back to the nurses’ station. My feet were rooted into the tile. I couldn’t walk away, but I couldn’t take a step forward either.
“Thank you, Drew.” Nora rushed me, her arms wrapping around my middle. I lifted my arm, wrapping it around her shoulder.
“It’s nothin’ really. I was just doing what needed to be done,” I whispered, my eyes moving to where Millie was still standin’ a few feet away, her eyes on the floor while her arms were wrapped around her center.
You did this to her. You broke her.
“Millie and Nora?” An older man walked up to us. He had to be around the same age as Samuel. He had salt and pepper hair and white, bushy eyebrows. He was wearing a white doctor’s coat and my eyes roamed over the name embroidered into the fabric.
Doctor Logan.
“That’s us,” Millie piped up, moving closer to Nora and me. Doctor Logan shoved his glasses from the bridge of his nose and farther up so that he could read the paper in his hands better.
“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. Your Daddy talks about ya all the time.” He smiled at Millie, and it was the kind that could warm your insides even if you didn’t want it to.
I smiled in reaction to his comment to Millie, not sure how I even managed to do so. There was nothin’ to be smilin’ about, nothin’ to be happy about right now with everythin’ goin’ on.
I could tell she forced a smile at him and did her best not to break down again. I so badly wanted to wrap her in my arms and let her fall apart in my embrace. I wanted to take away all her pain, let her take out her anger on me, and then we could fuck away my mistakes.
But if there was one thing I knew about life, it was that there would never be a happily ever after for me.
“How is he? Is everythin’ okay? Can we take him home?” Nora fired away. Doctor Logan shook his head, shoving the piece of paper under his arm. He removed his glasses and rubbed at the spots where they sat on his face.
“Follow me…” He started walkin’ in the direction of the wooden double doors, and we followed, unsure of what the hell was going on. We passed door after door, until he stopped in front of a door that looked to be like an office.
“It’ll be easier to discuss this in private.” He ushered us all into the small room, my large frame seeming to take up most of the space. Millie and Nora moved past me, sinking into the two wooden chairs in front of his desk while I hung back by the door. He closed the door and moved past me in the direction of his desk.
Doctor Logan inhaled deeply as he looked around at all of us in his office. “We know it’s bad, but how bad is it?” Millie questioned, her voice calm. Did I really deserve to be here? I hadn’t done anything but cause problems for all of them. I was no longer part of the family, as I had already done enough damage to revoke any kind of honor like that.
“Well, it’s not good, I’ll tell ya that.” He settled into his leather chair. “We’ve been tellin’ him for some time now he needs to come in for testin’, and it was during the routine testin’ that we had discovered he had some trouble breathin’. We ran some blood tests, did some x-rays, and come to find out after a CT scan, he had masses in his lungs. We weren’t sure how bad it was, or what it was exactly, so we sent him into the city… ”
There was a pause, and I knew I couldn’t stand here and listen to it any longer. Samuel was the only man left in my life who had meaning, and I knew that what the doctor was about to say was going to shift the ground from beneath our feet.
“I can’t do this,” I mumbled, gripping the door handle and escaping the room before the verdict was out. Samuel was dying, and that was all I needed to know. I didn’t need to know the logistics or how it was gonna cause him to suffer. I had a job to do. I needed to take care of his farm and the girls, and so long as I did that, I would be doing what Samuel asked of me.
Air filled my lungs, but I still felt empty inside. If I could give Samuel an ounce of my strength, I would. We needed him here as long as we could keep him, if not for my own sake, then for Millie and Nora, because I knew the moment that Samuel passed, everything would crumble to the ground and it would fall on my shoulders, and I needed to be the one to care for everythin’ he had, includin’ his girls.