Twenty-Four
Bas woke the way he did when he had been on missions: not making a sound, eyes flipping open and his body instantly on alert. He began a quick scan of the room, the smooth round logs reminding him that he was at Ten’s place, in Ten’s bed his dick reminded him. He threw off that thought and kept searching, trying to figure out what had woken him. It didn’t take much when he was in this state; a mouse skittering across the floor, a raindrop, or, he realized with a sigh, a soft intake of breath from someone sleeping uncomfortably in the recliner in the corner. He watched Ten sleep in the glow of the moonlight for a few minutes. He noted the frown, the lines around the man’s eyes, the bags beneath them. This was a man who had been carrying a heavy burden for a very, very long time.
“Ten,” he whispered into the quiet room.
Ten inhaled sharply, his eyes blinked quickly and then his feet thumped to the floor, “What’s wrong? Are you in pain? Do you need something?”
Bas decided to grab onto that last line. “Yeah, I need something.”
“What can I get you?” Ten said as he pushed to his feet.
“You. In this bed. With me.”
“Oh, um, I’m not sure….”
“Well, I am sure, Ten. I’m sure that I don’t want the guilt of you being uncomfortable in your own house. I am sure that you won’t hurt me if you lay down next to me. And I’m damn sure that I need you, Ten. In here. With me.”
Ten stared at him for long enough that Bas was certain that he was going to argue but then, with a resigned sigh, he nodded his head and stepped around to the other side of the bed.
He lifted up the covers but just before he slid inside, Bas rolled his eyes and said, “For fucks sake, Ten, take off the damn pants. It’s not like I’m going to fucking jump you or anything.”
Ten stared at him again, then his fingers moved to the snap on his jeans and as he stood to slide them down over his ass he muttered, “Bossy fucker.” That made Bas smile for the first time in a long time.
As Ten got settled, stretching his legs out under the covers and leaning his head back on the pillow, Bas mumbled, “Very. Get some sleep, Ten.”
He patted Ten’s thigh but when he went to move his hand away, Ten grabbed Bas’s pinky, pulled his hand back and linked their fingers together. Bas wanted to say something in the worst way, he wanted to roll his battered body over to get closer to Ten. But he knew anything like that would only scare Ten off. So, he gave a gentle squeeze of his hand, silently letting Ten know that he appreciated this gesture from him. From anyone else this would be nothing, meaningless. But from Ten, Bas knew that this was huge. It was monumental for Ten to reach out to hold his hand.
But it also didn’t mean that their fight was over. Far from it. This fight, their fight to find each other had just begun.
Bas let his eyes close slowly as he fell back into a restless, pain-filled sleep.
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Bas’s eyelids felt like they weighed a ton as he tried to peel them open. “Wha??? What’s wrong?” said through his cottonmouth. When he looked up and found Ten standing beside the bed instead of still lying next to him, he was disappointed but not surprised.
“You were having a nightmare,” Ten said as he carefully sat down next to Bas and held out a glass of water. When Bas tried to shift to sit up more, Ten stopped him, “No, here, let me help.”
His hand slid over the back of Bas’ neck and their eyes met. Bas longed to have Ten hold him like this as he devoured Bas’ mouth. And from the look in Ten’s eyes, he was at least thinking about doing that too, even if he wouldn’t allow himself to actually do it…..yet.
“Drink,” Ten said as he held the glass to Bas’ lips.
Bas nodded to let Ten know he was finished and then his heart lurched when Ten gently helped him lean back against the pillows instead of just letting gravity take him. How could a man so thoughtful and kind be so…..closed off?
That was a puzzle to be solved later, when he was feeling more human.
“You feel like you could eat?”
Bas nodded, “Yeah, maybe some toast or something?”
Ten’s hand was resting gently on Bas’s hip and for a moment he seemed reluctant to get up….and Bas really didn’t want him to go.
“Thank you,” he said, as a way to keep the man there.
Bas sighed, “For saving me. I know that I’m the last person you wanted to see, so thank you.”
Ten slid his fingers through his hair, “I,” he began and then he blew out a frustrated breath as he turned away, “Shit. I’ve really fucked this up, haven’t I?”
He stood from the bed and began pacing next to it. It took him at least a full minute to work up what he needed to say, “When Sawyer died, I died too. My mind went into a deep, dark hole where nothing of who I used to be existed. I ate, barely, I drank too much, I fought, and, after a long time, eventually I fucked. That was it. Nothing mattered to me, especially not whether I lived or died. When I reached rock bottom, when I did something so incredibly stupid and reckless and I was on my knees about to be handcuffed and hauled away, Morgan was there. I don’t know how he knew I needed help but he did. And, he barely even fucking knew me. I’d heard of him, hell, everyone in the service has heard one thing or another about the mythical Morgan Doyle. The man is a legend. But I never served with him directly. But Sawyer did. I didn’t know that, though. He never told me. But still, even though he only knew me through Sawyer, he was there for me.”
Bas chuckled, “He’s done that for just about everyone he knows, including me. It freaks you out at first but then you realize it’s just Morgan. Somehow he just knows shit.”
“Yeah. He gave me a job with his security firm, a place to focus all my restless energy. It was a reason to get up in the morning and not kill somebody. But even though I had a reason to exist, I refused to allow myself a reason to live. I never dated, never really socialized, didn’t make friends. I refused to believe that I still had a heart, let alone that it could ever feel anything again,” he paused and turned to look at Bas.
During the momentary silence, Bas realized that his heart was beating so hard it felt like it was trying to pound its way out of his chest.
“And then……” he whispered, pausing as if he were afraid to say more.
Bas was certain that Ten could see the vein in his neck throbbing as the blood rushed through it. He swallowed hard, “And then what?” he said.
“And then a man with eyes bluer than the sea after a storm, brown hair that looked so soft it made my fingers twitch with the need to touch it, and a body that would make even a dead man groan opened his door. But it was more than just the package you presented. It was the way you looked at me. One glance and I felt as if you knew everything about me, all of my deepest darkest secrets, my fears, my pains. That scared the shit outta me. More than all of that, it was when your gaze made me realize something: that I also still had hopes and desires. You looked at me not only as if you wanted me but also as if you, you needed me. It was the same way that Sawyer always looked at me. That terrified me. So, I dealt with it the only way I knew how; by getting pissed off and acting like an asshole.
I kept that up for most of the three weeks we were forced to cohabitate but as you are well aware, my defenses could only take so much. When they crumbled, when I pulled you into my arms and kissed you….shit, Bas,” he said on a sob as he turned away again. He turned and walked towards the door and Bas was afraid that was all he was going to get out of the man right then.
But then Ten paused at the door. He took a few deep breaths before looking back over his shoulder at Bas. “When we kissed, it felt like home. I don’t deserve that, Bas. I don’t deserve you,” he whispered and then he disappeared down the hall.
Tears spilled from the corners of Bas’ eyes as he closed them, “Yes you do, Ten,” he whispered even though the man could no longer hear him, “You do deserve all of this and more. And if I have to fight until I take my last breath, I’m going to make damn sure you know that.”