Twenty-Eight

 

The shower was both agonizing and wonderful.  And as Bas sat on the closed toilet watched a kneeling Ten as he dried Bas’ legs, he wondered how long the man was going to stay - until Bas was healed or would he leave sooner?

He sighed out a breath.

Ten didn’t look up but he did say, “What’s that about?”

“Would you have ever come if I hadn’t gone missing?”

Ten’s hands froze.  He stayed there, staring at Bas’ knees for so long that Bas didn’t think he was going to answer, but then he sighed as he sat back on his feet and he looked up at Bas, “I don’t know.”

Well, that answered that.

Bas looked towards the bedroom, “I will not be a pity fuck, Ten.  Let’s just end this now before I get hurt anymore.”

“Before you…….” Ten started to say and then he sighed again, “I suppose I deserve that.”

“What do you mean, Ten?”

Ten pushed to his feet.  He balled up the wet towel and tossed it into the hamper in the corner, “You’re not the only one who’s hurting, Ten.  Do you know how many days I thought about you since we kissed on Morgan’s deck?”

Bas snorted, “We did a little more than kiss, Ten.  Or was the rest of it that forgettable?”

Ten’s eyes squeezed shut, “No, I didn’t forget, Bas.”  He opened his eyes and pinned his gaze on Bas, “I couldn’t forget, no matter how hard I tried to.  It would be easier for me to tell you how many days over the past ten months and eleven days that I didn’t think about you, that I didn’t ache for you, that I didn’t crave your taste and your touch.”

Bas swallowed hard, “How many?”

“Zero, Bas.  Not one day since we parted have I not thought about you, have not dreamed about you, have I not wanted you, have I not needed you.”

“Then, why didn’t you call?”

Ten turned, running his hand through his hair as he blew out a breath, “Because I don’t know how to do this anymore!” he yelled, his voice cracking at the end as it betrayed his emotions.

“Bullshit.”

“What?”

“That’s total and utter bullshit and you know it.”

When Ten turned back around, Bas saw a few tears escaping and rolling down his cheeks, “No, it’s not, Bas,” he held up a hand when Bas started to say something, “I don’t mean that I don’t know how, it’s that I don’t know if I can, Bas.  Sawyer,” he said with a hiccup, “he was my everything.  He was the reason I woke up in the morning, he was the reason I smiled, he was my reason for living.  I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him.  And now he’s gone, and I don’t know how to be me anymore, I don’t know if I’ll ever be the man I used to be.”

Wincing, Bas pushed to his feet, still naked and he gingerly stepped forward until he was just inches from Ten, “You won’t be.” he whispered.

Ten inhaled a shocked breath but Bas only smiled as he cupped Ten’s cheek and slid his thumb across it, “You can’t ever be the same man, Ten and I wouldn’t want you to be.”

“But…” Ten started but stopped when Bas’ thumb pressed against his lips.

“That was the man who was head over heels in love with Sawyer.  I want the man who’s looking forward, not back.  I want the man who lives for the future not the past.  I want the man who opens his eyes and smiles in the morning because of me, not closes his eyes and cries because of a ghost.  What you had with Sawyer can never be replaced, nor should it.  Only a selfish person would ask you to forget who you were.  I don’t want that, Ten.  I want you to share that love with me, Ten.  Help me to know him so that I can love him too.”

Ten leaned forward until his forehead was touching Bas’, “But why?” he whispered on a choked sob.

“Ah, god, babe, why wouldn’t I want to know him?  You are who you are today because of him.  Knowing him is my way of thanking him.  Loving him is my way of loving you.  You deserve that, Ten.  You deserve to be loved.”

A sob wrenched from Ten as he wrapped Bas in his arms, close but still mindful of Bas’ tenderness.  He held him tight, crying onto his shoulder.

After a minute or so, he pulled back and looked at Bas, “I’m not sure if I deserve it, but I’m going to try, Bas. I’m going to try so fucking hard.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the place where I can give someone my whole heart again but I’m going to try. For you, I’ll try.  It’s going to take me some time to figure all this out though.  I hope you’ll be able to stick around while I do.”

Bas smiled again and pressed his lips to Ten’s before pulling back and whispering, “I’m not going anywhere, babe.  I’ve got nowhere else I’d rather be.”

They held each other for a few quiet seconds until Ten pulled away, “We need to get you back into bed.”

A smirk lifted one corner of Bas’ mouth, making Ten smile and shake his head, “Don’t even,” he said.

“What?” Bas said with a chuckle.

“The innocent act doesn’t work with me, mister.  I said bed and you thought sex.  How you can think about sex when you’re in so much pain is beyond me, though.”

Ten carefully pulled Bas to his side and they began the slow walk out of the bathroom and back to the bed.

“You’re naked, Ten.  Have you looked in a mirror lately? How can I not think about sex?”

Ten snorted a laugh as they reached the edge of the bed.

With a grimace and a hiss, Bas slowly sat down and then eased back against the pillow with the help of Ten’s arm behind his back.

When he looked up, he instantly saw the sadness that had washed over Ten’s face.

“What’s wrong?”

Ten’s lips pursed into a thin line, “Nothing.”

Bas reached up to cup Ten’s cheek, “Tell me, Ten, Please?”

“I was, it’s just, I, fuck,” he mumbled with a sigh as he turned and sat on the edge of the bed next to Bas’ legs.

Bas reached up to capture Ten’s hand and thread their fingers together, hopeful when Ten didn’t pull away.

He waited, watching as Ten’s gaze zeroed in on their locked hands and he stared at them.

With one final deep breath and sigh, Ten finally began talking, “Sawyer used to do that.”

“Do what?”

“He’d come home, dead on his feet, battered and bruised to the point that all I wanted to do was hold him.  But he’d take one look at me and want sex. I never understood it.”

Bas’ thumb slid across the back of Ten’s hand, “Then clearly I’m going to have to do everything in my power to show you what he and I both see.”

“What do you see when you look at me, Bas?  No, wait,” he said, shaking his head as he ran his hand through his hair, “I know what you see.  What I don’t know is what he saw.”

“Aw, babe.  He saw the man whose love held him safely in its embrace. Comforting him.  Healing him.  Your love wasn’t just in his heart, it was in all of him.  It became who he was.”

“And it died with him,” he said, sadly as he stared at his hands.

Bas unlinked their hands, placed his finger under Ten’s chin and turned his head until he was looking into Bas’ eyes, “Yes, that love did die with Sawyer.  But you have so much more love to give, Ten.”

“How do you know?” he said with a broken sob.

“Because I feel it.”

Ten’s eyes went wide.

“No, I know we’re not there yet, Ten,” Bas said with a smile, “But I can feel you trying.  I can feel your love reaching out for me, like fingers reaching out in the fog.  They haven’t found me yet, but they will.”

“How do you,” Ten began.  Bas’ thumb on his lips stopped him.

“Trust me,” he whispered, both as a question and as a plea.

Ten squeezed his eyes shut and pressed a kiss to Bas’ thumb.  When he reopened them, he pulled back, “You need food and water.  Get comfortable and I’ll go fix us something to eat.”

Bas tracked Ten as he walked across the room.  He held his gaze when Ten paused for a moment and looked back at him.  Then with a sweet smile, Ten turned and continued out the door and down the hall.  They definitely weren’t where Bas wanted them to be, but they’d made progress.  It was a small victory, but Bas took it with a smile on his face.