Rows of tombstones stood erect in stillness to the left and right, in front and behind, like a silent city of tribute for loved ones who had left this life. Some were crumbled from weathering and age, while others were smooth marble with pristine words engraved into the stone and laid with beautiful floral tributes, no doubt placed thoughtfully by loved ones.
The cemetery was neat and tidy and clean. Manicured grass and perfectly landscaped garden beds with small benches for mourners to sit and process their emotions.
Thick ivy and rose bushes were an obvious staple throughout, and Camilla would have hated the gardeners’ preference in flowers. She pretty much despised roses, especially pink ones. She always said they were too clichéd. When she’d helped me choose flowers for our house last year, she’d all but demanded I have the landscapers plant wild flowers and Japanese cherry blossoms and a whole bunch of other flowers that were eclectic and unique and even a bit obscure.
I nearly laughed at just how much she would have bitched about those fucking pink roses as I walked toward her grave.
Levi walked beside me, his fingers intertwined with mine.
Silence stretched between us, but it was a peaceful silence. A thoughtful quietness meant to let me process and feel.
The instant I spotted the smooth marble of her gravestone, scattered thoughts and bittersweet memories of Camilla morphed into acute sadness.
By the time I reached her grave, a bouquet of wild daisies and sunflowers gripped tightly in my hands, tears flowed unchecked down my cheeks. Wild and numerous, they dripped off my chin and onto my shirt, soaking the fabric enough to stick it to my skin.
I was too sad to actually cry or sob, so I just stood there, still as a statue, holding tightly to Levi’s hand while the magnitude of Camilla’s loss swept over me.
The word sad sounded so childish, like something flimsy, something someone should be able to cast off with a happy thought or smile or hug. But this kind of sad, a raw, aching melancholy, was nothing of the sort. It sat inside my veins like a germ seed of depression, just waiting for the right conditions to grow, to send out roots that threatened to choke the hope out of my heart.
And, God, did my heart ache.
It throbbed. It stung. It twisted and turned erratically. Whenever Camilla’s death really hit me, it felt like someone had reached inside my chest with a meat hook and shredded my heart to near pieces.
Right now, the realization of her loss hit me hard.
I let go of Levi’s hand slowly, the tingle of the newly released nerves alerting me to just how tight a grip I’d had on it, and sat down in front of her grave.
Levi gave me the space and the silence I needed to get my thoughts together.
Fingers skimming, I touched the curves of her name in the stone and swallowed.
“God, I miss you, Cami,” I whispered, the smooth silk of my voice cracked by the constant flow of tears. “I miss you so much that some days I can hardly get myself out of bed. Some days…” I shook my head and pressed my palm flat to the cool stone. “Some days it feels impossible to live in a world without you in it.”
I set the bouquet beside her gravestone and stared down at the freshly cut grass. I ran my fingers through the manicured blades and silently wondered if my sister could hear me or see me or feel me.
Just then, the warmest, softest breeze blew past me and urged goose bumps onto my skin.
I hope it’s a sign.
“I dreamed about you last night,” I went on, hoping if I kept talking to her, she’d give me something else to know she was there. “I can’t tell you how good it felt to see your smiling face again. To talk to you and laugh with you and make you eggs. I hope you’ll keep coming to see me in my dreams. It makes me feel so close to you. It makes me feel like you’re still here.”
I reached out and ran my fingers across the letters of her engraved name again.
“Levi and I had dinner with Mom and Dad last night,” I whispered. “They miss you too, Cami. So much. So, so much. We spent most of the night reminiscing about our happiest memories with you.” I laughed. “There were some good ones. Like the time you snuck out to meet Tommy Tiller for an overnight date and then came home with his blood on your knuckles because he tried to get up your skirt. Dad still thinks it’s one of his proudest moments as a father.”
A shaky sigh escaped my lips, and my tears slowed until they no longer flowed down my cheeks in waves, instead, only shining my eyes and fogging my vision a little.
I blinked past the emotion and lifted my arm up to swipe the residual dampness from my cheeks.
“You’ll always be a part of me, Cam. Even though you’re not physically here, you’re still in my heart. You’re my sister. My identical twin. My soul’s other half. No matter how much time passes, those things will never change.”
I stood up from my spot in the grass and rested my fingertips on top of her gravestone. “I’m sorry this happened to you and I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you and I’m sorry it was my career that brought this tragedy into our lives. It’s been really hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that you aren’t alive because you were my identical twin. And it’s been even harder to comprehend that my sister, my best friend, my favorite person in the whole wide world willingly sacrificed her life for mine. I am so thankful and so fucking mad that you did that. But I know, if the roles had been reversed, I would have done the same thing for you.”
Just saying those words out loud urged what felt like a thousand pounds to lift from my shoulders. Instantly, I knew coming to visit my sister’s grave was the best, most rational decision I’d made in weeks.
If anything, it made me feel closer to her. It helped me search for the much-needed peace and closure. I had a feeling it would be a very long time before I’d ever really find peace in anything related to losing my sister, but it was important that I searched for it.
“I hope you’ll keep visiting me in my dreams. I love you so much, sis. And I miss you even more.”
After one long, quiet gaze down at her gravestone, I turned on my heels and searched the space adjacent. Levi sat several feet behind me, on a bench beneath a big oak tree.
His eyes never left mine as I closed the distance. “You okay?” he asked when I stopped in front of him. I nodded.
“I’m getting there, but I’m really happy I came here today.”
“I’m glad to hear that, baby.” He offered a soft, wistful smile and got to his feet.
One of his strong arms wrapped around my shoulders, he led us back toward the waiting SUV, and the instant we got inside, he gripped my hand in his.
“Should we grab some breakfast?” he asked, but before I could answer, my phone started ringing loudly from inside the purse at my feet.
I pulled my cell out of the front pocket and checked the screen.
Incoming Call: Mariah
A quick accept and I pressed the phone to my ear. “Hey, Mariah. How are you?”
“Listen, I have good news,” she said, bypassing greetings altogether.
Good news? That seemed like a fucking oxymoron these days.
“What are you talking about?”
“I got you a meeting with someone who is very willing to talk to you about your quest to stop Cold from being released to the public,” she said.
“Really?” I asked, and my brow rose up to my forehead in surprised excitement. “Who?”
“June Gatto.” The name immediately clicked into place in my mind.
June Gatto. The screenwriter on Cold.
Holy shit. That was good news.
“Seriously?”
“Can you be at her office Friday at two?”
“Yes.”
“Well, then it looks like you’ve got a pair of willing ears that will hopefully understand your concerns about Cold being released to the world.”
Thank God.
We ended our call shortly after that, and Levi looked over at me, his brow raised in curiosity. “What’s going on?”
“June Gatto, the screenwriter on Cold. We’ve got a meeting with her Friday,” I said, and it only confused him more.
“Is Mariah going with you?”
I shook my head. “No, but I’m hoping you will. I really need you there, Levi.”
I’d made the mistake of trying to go it alone before, but I was done with that now. I needed his support and guidance.
“You want me to go to the meeting with you?”
“Not want, Levi. Need. I need you there.”
He leaned forward and kissed my forehead softly. “Then, I wouldn’t miss it for anything.”