Claudia

I’m lost. So lost to this moment between us. I’m doing so many things wrong. For one, even though he hasn’t even penetrated me yet, I know one of us needs to pause and grab a condom, but I can’t stop myself from sliding my clit along his cock. I don’t know how this feels for him, but he has no idea how good this feels for me. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, especially after that awkward as fuck dinner with the Tierneys. They exposed Shep in the most brutally honest, yet the most cruel way. I know I should be taking stock. I should be thinking about stepping back, but I can’t. I just want him more. I also want to go back down the hill and get those roses back from that nurse, Sarah.

Shep grips my ass harder and raises his hips. That feeling, when you know you’re so close to coming, that electricity that shoots up your clit, makes you crazy, sends you chasing the sensation over and over, that’s what I feel. I’m going to come. I rock against that friction. I move up a bit more so I can shove my tongue into his mouth. It’s warm under the blanket and I can feel our sweat starting to slick my body. His mustache tickles my face, but I don’t care. His tongue is so slick and dirty against mine.

I’m with Shep now, I keep telling myself. I’m with him and he’s not going to ask me to leave. He’s not going to tell me what we’re doing is wrong. He’s just as fucked up as I am, and in the back of my mind, I’ve started something I had no business starting. Something that’s going to fuck us both up even more, like forever.

I can’t decide whether or not I want to admit to Shep just how right he is. I want him. I want him all the time and he was right, I’m willing to beg for it. I can add that to the list of things I’ll eventually have to discuss with a future therapist. It’s not even the promise of sex that’s driving me. It’s his touch. It’s the way he looks at me. Damn those deep brown eyes that seem to focus on me everywhere I turn. Damn that perfectly crafted beard. And that cock.

“I’m gonna come,” I tell him, but before he can respond, say anything encouraging or nasty, I do come. I bury my face against his neck. He holds me closer, tries to hold me still, but my hips won’t stop. I want more.

“That’s it, baby,” he says against my forehead and then he kisses my scar. Kisses all along it again and I come again. I’m shaking, but he’s got me. He’s still holding me to his chest, both his massive arms wrapped around me. Jason would never.

“You want me to come?” he asks me. Of course, I do, but I can barely speak. I just nod. “There’s a condom in my pocket. Grab it.” I groan in disappointment, but he slaps my ass. “Go on.”

I use a surge of energy I can barely spare to toss off the blanket and make my shaky legs connect with the floor. I have to blink a few times before I can see properly but I find his jeans over by the TV. I’m ashamed and little disgusted at myself at the thought that crosses through my head as I dig the three condoms he has stashed from his back pocket. I don’t want to use them. I want to be safe. I’m on the pill, but it only takes one hormonal slip up for the pill to be rendered useless—but I also want to know what it feels like.

I turn back to the couch and find Shep sitting up on the edge of the cushion. I hand him one of the condoms. He looks at me as he rips open the wrapper. I can’t even think about looking away.

“You don’t want me to use it,” he says as he slips it on.

“Not in the stupid way though.”

“Oh, I know,” he says. He starts rubbing the palm of his hand over the swollen head of his cock. I swallow the drool that’s pooling in my mouth. “Can you wait?”

I nod my yes and my thighs seem to squeeze together on their own. I’ve just come twice, but something about his voice and what he’s suggesting has my clit aching again. He holds his hand out and I let him pull me close. He gathers me closer, bringing me down to straddle his lap. He grips his cock and pushes it inside me with shameful ease. He’s so big, but I am so ready for him. I close my eyes and suck in a breath as I gently swirl my hips. I suck in another breath as he palms my breast and takes my nipple in his mouth.

“I’m too close and it’s too risky,” he says. The sound of his voice kills me. So deep and gravelly.

“I know” I sigh.

“But soon, I’ll come all over you. Do you want that?” he asks.

“Yes,” I reply.

“Soon. Make me come,” he says. “Right now.”

I take his cheeks in my hands and press my lips to his. I ride him hard, flexing and clenching my pussy. I ignore my own pleasure and focus on the sounds he’s making, the groans, the harshness of his breath, the way he’s grasping at my skin. He pulls away from me with a loud moan and a “Holy fuck!” and even though his cock is covered, I can feel him flexing inside me. I can feel everything. I don’t want it to stop.

* * *

I wake up at four a.m. Another nightmare, but this time I don’t scream. I just jerk myself awake. My heart isn’t pounding, it’s trying to claw its way out of my chest. I’m in an episode of that vampire show, but it’s mixed with this movie I saw about terrorists taking hostages at an all boys boarding school and I’m there and I’m famous. More famous than I should be.

I’ve seen this episode before. I get shot in the back, but I survive. I try to retrace those steps, but none of the other actors are following the script. I have to hide somewhere else. I check all the halls and all the closets, and there’s nowhere to go. I’m back in Kleinman’s suddenly and I go to hide under a mountain of unfolded sweaters and jeans, but I’m moving too much and a gunman sees me. I wake up right when he pulls his trigger.

I can’t breathe when I open my eyes. I feel the tears stinging at my lids, but I hold them back, thinking of how bad my chest hurts. Shep and Titus are both knocked out, both snoring. I look at Shep in the darkness. I want to wake him up. I want him to hold me, but he had a terrible night and managed to shove it all down to please me the way I wanted him to. He looks too peaceful to be disturbed.

I slip out of bed and dig up my phone. I quietly walk into his living room. It’s so cold, in every way. I wrap myself in that blanket and I send a text to Liz. She might be awake.

My throat tightens and I feel some fat tears gathering up weight in the corners of my eyes.

I laugh out loud alone in the dark. Liz’s sister gave herself that nickname. It’s always funny.

I glance up and see the outline of Shep standing in the bedroom door. I’m still rattled from my dream and the rawness of my text conversation with Liz, but my pulse cranks up even higher. “Jesus Christ,” I gasp. “You scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry. I just wanted to come check on you. You okay?” he says. His voice sounds weird in the darkness. Weird to me, like it should be comforting, but something about it isn’t quite hitting the mark. I know why. Because I’m about to lie to him.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just had a nightmare. I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“You want to come back to bed? I don’t have to take Titus out for a few more hours and it’s freezing out here.”

“Sure.” I stand and text Liz back.

And then I cross the room. I don’t realize I have the blanket wrapped around me still until Shep puts his arm around my shoulder. I expect a kiss or some rugged manly gesture. Shep seems to have a thing for picking me up. I’m relieved when he doesn’t. I know what comes next if he does. He sweeps me up. He touches me. He kisses me. I beg him to fuck me. He does. But I don’t have it in me right now.

I don’t have the energy for the what comes next and the what comes after that. This is when Jason asks me a stupid question and I blow him to shut him up, but Shep kisses the top of my head and leads me over to the bed. He takes the blanket from me, then holds back the covers and waits for me. Titus huffs and moves around like we are disturbing the hell out of his peaceful slumber. Shep tells him to shut up and that makes me laugh a little. My phone vibrates in my hand.

I add five kissy face emojis. I set my phone on the floor as Shep climbs in on his side of the bed. He’s spooning me before I can roll back over.

“I like being here with you,” I tell him as I roll to face him. It’s the truth, but I feel like I have to tell him because I’m holding so much else back.

He squeezes me tighter. “I’m trying not to let that go to my head,” he says.

I want to tell him I love him. I don’t know if I do, but I want to tell someone who isn’t Liz or Brook something that matches what I’m feeling. That it hurts not to tell certain people I love them anymore, face to face. I open my mouth before I can stop myself.

“Can I tell you I love you even if I don’t know if I mean it? I don’t think I mean it, that way.”

“With that caveat, yeah.”

“I love you so much. It hurts.” I say as I bury my nose in his chest hair. I’m crying again. His hand strokes down my back. He kisses the top of my head.

“I love you too.”

* * *

Saturday was much heavier than we both want to admit. Sunday we decide to chill. He walks Titus without me. I’m conflicted about this when I wake up, like actually kind of pissed. I needed the sleep and I wasn’t in the mood for an early morning walk through the woods, but I hate it when Shep leaves me in the house alone. I know he locks the doors and we’re in the middle of nowhere, but still. I’ve been in the middle of nowhere before. But I did need the sleep. He’s up making breakfast when I finally wake up and realize I desperately need a shower.

There’s coffee when I get dressed. After we eat, Shep forces me to watch First Blood. I pretend to hate it, but I break down in a combination of hysterical tears and laughter when I admit that I used to make Miles watch it all the time when we were kids because he did the funniest impression of Sylvester Stallone.

Shep admits to me that his grandfather and Jad used to watch this movie together like it was Monday Night football. He also vows to find something I’ll really hate for making him sit through almost a whole season of The Originals. I tell him if he digs up Weekend at Bernie’s I’ll burn down his house and steal his dog. He gets that I’m not joking.

We manage to keep our genitals apart all day, but I am horny as fuck by the time we finish doing the dinner dishes. I tell Shep that we need to do something about his jizzing all over me. I’m half joking, but he gets serious and sits me down on the island stools.

“I want to check in with you first and see if you’re still interested in submitting to me this week.” he asks.

“Yes. Of course I am. We’ve been fucking all weekend. Why? Do you have a new quest for me?”

He makes a face, but nods. “Yes.”

Now I’m concerned. “What’s up?”

“I’ve never been with anyone who talks back as much as you do, but I like it. I finally figured out a way to punish you that won’t end up being a backhanded punishment for me. We took this weekend off, but I would like to start fresh tomorrow.”

“We can do that.”

“Do you understand what a safe word is and how it works?” I make a face, but he is dead serious and he’s not budging. I cough and sit up.

“A safe word lets you know that I’m not cool with what’s happening and I want you to stop.”

“That’s correct. I want you to pick a safe word.”

“How about ‘hedgehog’? I have no reason whatsoever to say that word.”

“Hedgehog works just fine. Tomorrow you will be with me all day, including first thing in the morning when I go out to photograph the mountain so we’re going to go to bed early. The post office will let me know when our stuff is here. We’ll head down to town and pick that up and run some other errands. Probably have dinner down there and then we’ll come back up and play for a little while. If you behave.”

“Okay…” I’m dying to know what he means. “Will this be another tits out dinner?”

“Probably. Is that a problem?”

“No.”

“Good. Go take off your clothes and go lie on the bed.”

“Yes, sir,” I say with a little two fingered salute. His eyes narrow at me as I hop off the stool. I laugh. “What? I’m following your directions.”

“Mhmm.”

I go into the bedroom and I find that I’m back in the mood by the time I’m naked on top of the bed spread. I look up when he walks into the room. The sight of him pulling off his shirt makes me swallow.

“Roll over,” he says. I roll onto my stomach and wait, listening to the sound of him pulling off the rest of his clothes and then he’s crawling over me. I love the heat from his body and feeling of his chest hair along my back. He kisses me all over, my cheeks, my shoulders, all the way down my back.

He moves me to my knees and his mouth is on my pussy. His licks every inch, kisses my lips open for him, sucks on my clit. His tongue pushes inside me. It feels so good. I tell him. I tell him not to stop, but he does. I whine and complain, but I know it’s just getting started.

The next thing I feel is his hips pressing against my ass and his shaft rubbing along my slit. It’s like the night before but it feels different. It feels better. He grips my hips and starts moving me back and forth, slowing until I’m moving on my own, driving myself crazy.

“That’s right,” he says. “Get me nice and wet.”I lean forward a bit, spread my legs even more. My pussy is open, clenching for him. I can almost feel him entering me from behind, feel every inch, like a phantom sensation. All he has to do is shove his way in. I start to feel myself going over. Just a few more seconds and I know I’ll come.

Shep stops my hips. He pulls away. I whine some more, but he tells me to be patient.

He slides back up the length of my body, moves his hand along my stomach then lower on my thigh to urge me to lay flat again. I feel his cock along my ass and then he’s gathering my hair in his hand, bracing himself with his other hand just beside mine in the sheets. Shep turns my head and kisses me properly.

I’m almost angry at how good he is at kissing. I could kiss him all night and be satisfied. I won’t tell him that because I really want to come. His knee slips between my thighs and nudges them apart just a little bit, leaving just enough room for his hand. His whole hand is cupping my pussy. I’m so wet I know I’m soaking all of his palm. He slides three fingers in and swirls them around just for a moment before he’s cupping me again.

“Shep,” I beg.

“Shhh. I got you.” He licks the side of my mouth. “Just hold tight, baby.” His yanks my head to the side. I let out a little yelp, but the pain just spurs me on. I need him inside of me. Shep sits back a little and his other hand is back between my legs, but it’s not enough. It’s just a tease. And then I feel his knuckles brushing over my ass. Over and over.

“Do you feel that?” he asks. I try to nod, but he’s still gripping my hair.

“Yes,” I say.

“I’m using everything I got from that dripping wet cunt of yours to jack my dick.”

My body reacts on its own. I wince because I’m so turned on at the thought of it, I try to move, but I can’t. He’s holding my hair too tight.

“You want me to fuck you, don’t you?”

“Yes,” I say. “Please,” I beg.

“Soon,” he whispers and then he’s kissing me again.

This torture continues. I can feel his hand and his cock on my ass and at the base of my back and every few minutes he pauses to gather more of my juices from between my legs. His kisses become more frantic, more restless. He starts getting rough. I bite him, but not too hard. He bites me back, just hard enough. Then I know what’s about to happen.

“I’m about to come,” he says. His voice sounds so ragged. I close my eyes. “Fuck,” he says and then he says it again a little louder and then I feel it on my ass. The hot drops covering my skin, then the head of his cock spreading it around. He releases my hair and lets out several deep breath before he speaks again.

“I just came all over your ass. You want to see?”

“Yes,” I gasp. I turn my head and watch him as he grabs his phone. I lie there as he snaps a few pictures.

“You wanna taste it?” he asks.

“Yes,” I say even louder. I feel his fingers wiping up what they can. He covers me again with his whole body and holds the phone up in front of my face so I can see how nice my ass looks all red and painted.

“Open up.” I do and he shoves two cum covered fingers in my mouth. I swirl my tongue around, then suck them clean. He’s salty and sweet. “Next, I do it on your tits and then in your mouth. Don’t move.”

“’Kay,”I say as he hops up. I lay there and hold still as I hear the sink running in the other room. He’s back a few seconds later and I feel the warmth of a wet wash cloth smoothing over my butt. Then he gives it a hard slap, and I hear the wet sound of the washcloth landing in his hamper. He leaves the room again. He’s shutting off the lights in the kitchen. He turns off the lights in the bedroom when he comes back, then moves me to the side of the bed so he can shift the covers out from under me.

“It’s time for bed,” he says as he pulls me into his arms.

“Now?”

“Yes.”

“Can we finish?” I turn my head and look at him. His eyes are closed.

“We are finished.”

“I didn’t come yet.”

“So? You wanted me to come on you. I did. It’s time for bed.”

“What?” I roll all the way over.

“You can come when you stop talking back to me.”

“Um, excuse me sir, but I have hands that work very well.”

“I’m sure they do, but I don’t sleep that deep. You try finishing yourself off before morning.” He rolls me back over and spoons me. I stare into the darkness and think about all the ways out of this. My mind is still turning over, but my body eventually gives up. I hate this game, but I can’t stop myself from wanting to play it so badly. I let out a rageful sigh and sag against him. I’ve never been more annoyed with a spent cock pressing against my ass in my whole life.

“Atta girl,” he says. I almost reconsider the blaze and the K9 theft.