Claudia

45 Days Later

I need to stop looking at my phone while I’m walking. I’ve walked into three people already today, two of them between the train and my building. And maybe if I were paying a little bit more attention I would see Liz standing at my door when I come out of the elevator. I would have enough time to make a break for the stairs.

She coughs to catch my attention and when I look up I’m only two feet away from her. She’s standing there holding a bottle of rosé and the look on her face tells me she will chase me down and tackle me if I try to escape. I haven't seen her or any of my friends since I got back.

“Heeey,” I say as I slow to a complete stop.

She shakes her head with that are you fucking kidding me look. “Where do I start, Claudia?”

“Uh—”

“You never take my calls. You’ve barely responded to any of my or Brook or the girls’ texts? You blew Rayna off on her birthday and you look like complete shit.”

“This is Gucci, thank you very much.”

“Well it looks like you and Gucci haven’t eaten real food in two weeks.”

“Would you like to come inside?” I ask. She’s nowhere near done cussing me out, but we don’t need to do this in my hallway.

“How sweet of you! Of course I would.” I roll my eyes and nudge by her so I can unlock the door. I head straight inside. I set my things down and go right for the drawer where I keep the corkscrew. I turn around and hand it to her before I pull off my jacket. She sets it and the rosé down, takes off her own coat. I grab some wine glasses and walk over to the couch. She’s right behind me.

“You’d think we were friends,” she says under her breath.

“I’ve been busy.”

“Claudia.”

“What?!”

“Do. Not,” she says in her best mom tone. “I’m not the one. Okay, bitch? I want to know exactly what happened out there with the mountain man and I want to know exactly what you’ve been doing since you got back. I know Mode is the real deal, but I refuse to believe you don’t have time to see me, like ever.”

“Liz.”

She doesn’t budge. She just crosses her arms and glares right back at me. “Try again.”

“Fine.” I throw up my hands. “Where do you want me to start? With the fact that I’m pretty sure I had a psychotic break and decided not to seek help for it or with the fact that Shep is the most amazing man I have ever met in my entire life and he professed his love to me before I threw up the two fingers and left him hanging so I could rush back here to meet Vivianne. And I don’t know, how about I sprinkle in a little of how I feel like I don’t think I know how to process basic human emotions anymore.”

Her mouth drops open. “Oh babe.”

“Or maybe we can talk about how I lost my shit up there like a minimum of five times and he handled it perfectly. And I’m not talking like a perfect medical professional. I’m talking marriage material, this is how you want a man to hold you for the rest of your life type shit. Like you know he can handle anything you throw at him, calm and cool.”

“Babe.”

“Work is kicking my ass. Kleinman’s was a walk in the park compared to Mode. Vivianne is a genius and she is demanding as fuck, but you’re right. I’m not working all the time. I just feel like I can’t slow down.”

“Why not?”

“Cause I’ll want to call him, I’ll want to see him. Cause I’ll lose my shit again. Cause I’ll have to face the fact that I’m still in fucking agony over Miles and I somehow managed to just pile on when it comes to Shep. I should have never gone out there. I feel like if I can't see him I might as well avoid everyone and everything else.”

“Damn,” Liz says as she lets out a big breath. She opens the rosé and pours us both a healthy glass. We both take large sips. It warms my chest and I feel my body start to really heat for the first time in weeks. I hate it. “How do you feel about him? Really.”

“I don’t know. I feel crazy. That’s how I feel.”

“Why? Why do you feel crazy?”

“Because I love him,” I say honestly and the fat tears come. “I really wasn't trying to ignore you and the girls. I just, anything but work feels like too much right now.” More tears. Silent, but still streaming down my face. Liz grabs the box of tissues off my coffee table. I grab a few from the box but I don’t bother to wipe my face. “I quit Kleinman’s because I felt like I could never come to work again without people whispering about me. Do you know how weird it feels to know that people are constantly telling every new person who gets hired that you were almost murdered?

“Like everyone was so nice and sympathetic, but no one could treat me like myself. I felt like a movie of the week. I was so angry. I loved working there and no one would just let me go back to work. I just wanted to feel like myself again. I just wanted to be myself and no one there would let me.”

“And Shep made you feel like yourself again?”

“He made me feel like I am different now and that’s… expected.”

Liz reaches over and squeezes my hand. “Babe, it is. I wasn’t the same after I lost my parents. I’ll never be that girl again. Same with Brook. Some things about her are the same, but she was very different from the person you know now. Loss like that does change you. You know that.”

“Yeah. He’s a part of the orphan club too. And he said some things about having to shoot that guy to protect me. I think it really fucked him up.”

“See!”

I laugh and wipe my face. “There was the sex too.”

“Oh thank god. I was worried for a second. Three thousand miles is way too far to travel for no sex. Tell me literally everything.” I do. Or at least I give her the general overview and some of the dirtier details. I see nearly every emotion pass over her face by the time I get to the bondage and the flogging. And then I tell her about Sarah.

“I think he found something in me he couldn’t find in her and then I just left him. It sucks. He’s amazing and he’s just up there all alone. With his dog. And he is married to that mountain. I don’t think I could ask him to come here to visit. He thrives off fresh mountain air. The smell of the subway alone would kill him.”

She sighs. “That is tough, but you’re… you’re not responsible for him in that way,” she says with a little grimace.

“I know. I know you’re right. But—”

“But you really have feelings for this guy?”

“I think I do and they are so fucking complicated. Did I Florence Nightingale a dude because he saved me or do I really love him?” I grab my phone and pull up the pictures that I’ve been purposefully avoiding for weeks. I hand Liz my phone. She gasps and then makes an awwwing noise.

“Laudi, you two look so cute.”

I groan and sit back against the corner of my couch. “There’s more.” I take my phone back and pull up the emails Shep sent me. I show her all the pictures he took of just me. I watch Liz as her eyes grow wide.

“He took these?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Girl.”

“I know.”

“First of all he’s a really good photographer and second—”

“I know. You don’t have to say it.”

“I mean… he like, loves you. Like looooves you.”

“It’s that obvious, isn’t it? And he doesn’t even photograph people usually. Just nature. I spent the entire flight back looking at these, crying. I was so lucky no one was sitting next to me.”

“Have you heard from him?”

“He emailed me these, but that’s it. It was a blank email with just the pictures.” I pull up the photo he took of me and Titus that morning in the clearing.

“Oh yeah. He’s turning into Hemingway up there over these pics.”

I laugh, but more tears leak out of the corners of my eyes. I wipe my face this time. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Here’s the advice I’m going to give you. First of all, don’t ever avoid me again. Vivianne loves me. I will show up at your job. I’ll bring Brook. You don’t want that.”

“God. No I don’t.”

“No you don’t. Second of all. I think you need to talk to someone. Find a new therapist. I agree, whatsherface sucked and you weren’t clicking with her anyway. Find someone you want to talk to and take care of yourself.”

“And thirdly?”

She holds up her hands. “Oh no thirdly. I can’t help you there.”

“Gee. Thanks.”

“You think I’m going to tell you to run after him? Nah. We’re not that drunk yet.”

I laugh and reach for my wine.

“I’m too selfish to tell you to move to bumfuck Northern California and I would never tell you to leave Mode for a dude. Never. That’s crazy, but I think you are feeling a lot and I think you are hurting. Maybe if you talk to someone you can sort out what’s really going on and you can see if you really do love him, all this other shit aside.”

I let out a deep breath as more tears roll down my cheeks. She’s right.

“In the meantime, I’m gonna order us some pizza and you’re going to eat. I know you probably had a carrot and some champagne today and I know there’s an image at Mode, but we are both thick women and we are beautiful that way.”

“Amen,” I say. “Extra pepperoni, please.”

“Coming right up.”

* * *

Shep

The morning of the third Saturday in December, I get a phone call. It’s Connie calling me from the diner.

“Morning, Shep. I’m glad I caught you,” she says.

“Everything okay?” I ask her.

“Yeah, honey. Everything’s fine. Listen, I was going to try to come up with something clever or cute to get you down here, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Claudia’s here. She said she was going to drive right up to your place, but she doesn’t know how to get up there. And she said she would have called you herself, but you two aren’t exactly speaking so she didn’t know if you would answer the phone. She also said she knows about the mess with Sarah and asked me to keep that last part to myself, which I will.”

“I—okay.”

“You want to come on down or I can have Jerry guide her up to your place.” She pauses. “Or I can ask her to leave. It’s your call, sweetheart.”

My brain flatlines for a second. I have no fucking clue what to say, but then I remember I still have Connie waiting for a response. “I’ll, uh. I’ll be down in a bit. Thanks, Connie.”

“No problem. We’ll see you soon.”

I try not to spend the entire drive down attempting to figure out what the hell she could possibly be doing here. I tell myself whatever she wants, handle it down there. Don’t let her back up to my place. I can’t do this shit with her. Hear her out, whatever she needs to say. And then it occurs to me. She’s pregnant. I almost drive off the road when I realize I’ve pushed the gas to the floor. I get to Connie’s in record time and almost sideswipe Rich’s car when I pull into the lot. I take the stairs five at once and almost rip the door off the hinges. The bell rings loud as hell as it smacks against the frame. I scare the shit out of Connie.

“Hey. Sorry. She still here?”

“Yeah.” Connie points to the back. I whip around and there is Claudia standing next to my favorite booth. She looks the same, but totally different. She’s wearing this thick fancy beige trench coat that’s made out of some warm looking material and a full face of makeup. She’s wearing fuck me black boots with heels that make her a half foot taller, but to hell with all of that. I look right at her stomach and I take the entire length of the diner in three steps.

“Are you pregnant?”

Her head jerks back and she frowns. “No. Why?”

“Oh.” I exhale. “Okay.”

“Did you think you got me pregnant?”

“No, but it was the only reason I could think for you to come back.”

“Ah, oh. Yeah I guess that makes sense. Would you like to sit down?”

“Yeah, sure.” Sitting is a good idea. I’m about to pass out. We both sit in the booth. I pull off my skull cap and take a sip from one of the waters sitting in the middle of the table.

“You okay?” she asks me.

“No. Not really. What’s up?”

“Right. It’s nice to see you, but from the look on your face I’m not sure you feel the same way. I’ll spare you any more suspense.”

“Please. What are you doing here?”

“I love you and I’m hoping you still love me too.”

I think my eye twitches, but I’m not sure. I’ve spent the last two months trying to work this woman out of my system. Two months trying to meet people. Trying to date. Even doing weird things like bar hopping in San Francisco. Unless she wants to marry me right now, I don’t have time to hop back on this carousel of I’m not quite sure with her. She’s staring at me. She wants an answer. I don’t have one.

“Why?” I say.

“Why do I hope you still love me? From time to time, it can be…beneficial for both parties when feelings are reciprocated?” she says like I’m the one who’s lost my mind. “Would this conversation work better if I popped out a tit or two?” She reaches for the belt on her jacket.

“No, please. Keep the tits in. I just want to know what you want. What changed?”

“I want you.”

“But?”

“There is no but. I want to be with you.”

“Here? Because this is where I live. This is my home and I’m not sure this is the best place for you.”

“And two months ago I would have agreed with you, but that was before my friend cornered me and made me go back to seeing a therapist.”

“And they told you to move out here with me?”

“God, you are still cranky as fuck. No. She told me that I have to actually process things. And she told me that I have to accept trauma and loss and learn that I can still thrive despite them.” She wiggles in her seat and starts undoing her jacket anyway, but she keeps her sweater in place.

“Here’s the thing. There's Before Claudia and there's After Claudia and I'll be After Claudia for the rest of my life. And After Claudia loves you. After Claudia loves being around you. After Claudia loves pushing your buttons. After Claudia has no idea how to go the rest of her life without being with you.”

“What about your job? There's nothing in fashion up here. You’ve been to the boot store.”

“Oh I’m keeping the job. I may have lied to my boss a little bit.”

“Oh?” I don’t like the sound of that.

“I told them we were getting married, but you have to stay here because you work for the forest service, which you technically do. I figure you are actually pretty accustomed to your alone time. Having any other person around twenty-four seven, even if that person is as beautiful and lovable as me would drive you crazy.

“I can telecommute from here a couple weeks out of the month and head back to the offices in New York the rest of the month. My whole job with Kleinman’s was travel. I’m used to it. I’ve been to Paris twice since the last time I saw you. Also my therapist does Facetime sessions so when I’m here I can still keep up with our appointments,” she says matter of factly like I should be impressed with this plan, which I am, but I’m still pretty fucking pissed off.

“Uh huh and what if I told you I was over you and your wishy-washy bullshit and there's no way I want to get together with you, let alone move you into my house two weeks out of the month.”

“I'd sick Jad and May-Bell on you. Tell them you wasted a perfectly good proposal from a smart, beautiful, gracious woman who wants to put up with your stubborn, cranky shit voluntarily.”

“They know you’re here?”

“May-Bell was here when I pulled up.”

“Great. So that’s that?” I say. “We’re getting married. End of story?”

“We don’t have to get married right away, but I know what I want and I think it’s stupid to pretend there’s something better for me waiting back in the city.”

“Mhmm.” I roll my tongue around in my mouth and try not to bite a chunk out of the inside of my lip. She has a shitload of nerve. “You and this therapist really worked everything out. That’s good. That’s good.”

“Okay.” She puts her palms on the table. I glance down at the manicured nails that look like they cost a few thousand dollars before I look back up at her face. “I can see that I have fucked up the presentation a little bit and now you’re angry. I get it. That was not entirely smooth or appealing. I’m being a little pushy, but I’m going to try and not make this worse. I am going to sit here and if you want me to get out of your life I think… you should be the one to leave this time.

“I’m not gonna tell you I regret coming here, because I don’t. I don’t think I made a mistake trying to see you. I do love you. I love you so much, Shep. I don’t want you to tell me to go. I’m not even suggesting you do that. So I’m just going to sit here and maybe we can have breakfast together and talk about a future together. Like how I am definitely not pregnant. I don’t think I’m ready for kids at all right now, but I think you’d make an awesome stay-at-home dad in five to six years if that’s something that’s crossed your mind. We can also talk about how we should both learn to whittle and how outdoor sex is still out of the question, but I would love to learn how to shoot. Or you can leave and I’ll never bother you again.”

I consider her for a moment. I look at those deep hazel eyes and that golden brown skin and whatever the fuck is on her mouth that makes me just want to shove my cock in it so she’ll stop talking. I stand and head for the door. I feel everyone’s eyes on me and I avoid Connie’s gaze as she tracks my every move. I grab the handle, then turn back toward the booth. I see her head drop forward before I call out.

“Hey!”

She whips her head around, and her suddenly red rimmed eyes focus on me.

“You coming?” She stares at me a beat longer as I nod toward the parking lot. “I have plenty of bacon and carbs up at my place. No offense, Con. You know I think your food is amazing.”

Connie laughs. “I do, honey.”

I hold out my hand and it seems like forever before Claudia makes it back to me and laces her fingers with mine. I let her lead the way down the stairs and then I pull her into my arms and kiss the top of her head. She smells amazing.

“You really think I’m going to wait another two some-odd hours before I fuck my future wife again.”

“Shep.”

“It was the stay-at-home dad thing that really sold it,” I say.

I feel her whole body shake as she laughs. “Should have led with that.” She tilts her head up and rests her chin against my chest. I wipe her tears away with my thumbs and kiss that scar on her forehead. I’m never letting her go.