Claudia

Shep said I would feel a little weird, something about a sub space, but I feel more than weird once we’re finished. I can’t even begin to describe how good it is. I don’t even know if I’ll tell Liz about it. Her staunch commitment to the bachelorette life has led to her having a more varied and exciting sex life than mine, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to vocalize what happens between Shep and I. He follows through on his promise. We stay on the couch for a while. He gives me all the water I could handle, two full glasses that he tells me to sip slowly. I chug the second glass. Then he takes me to the bedroom and he brings the massage oil with us. He didn’t joke when he said he was going to rub down every inch of my body.

He lays on the bed and takes his time massaging my shoulders, all the way down to my hands. He massages my fingers and explains that I’d be surprised how random parts of the body can be inexplicably sore after sessions as intense as the one we’d just experienced. My brain tries to come up with words to respond. Something about how he did lie or how I wasn’t expecting any of this to really happen, but I can’t because my brain isn’t working right. So I just nod. Or I just agree with him in my head.

After he finishes with my feet, he tells me he was going to shut down the house and get in bed with me. He asks if I need anything else. I ask about that pie. He comes back with it and his laptop. I pick at the crust as I watch him strip naked and try not to climb all the way into his lap while we watch more of my Netflix choices. Shep is sweet and attentive. He only tells me once that my choices in entertainment are terrible and I know he’s half joking. When I ask him to kiss me, he does. I still don’t feel right though. I cannot put my finger on it, but something is wrong.

* * *

I feel a little better when Shep wakes me up in the morning. It’s early again. The sun isn’t up. Shep has me sit up when he turns on the light and he looks me over. He’s checking for bruising he says, but he doesn’t find any. He asks me how I feel. I tell him I’m okay, but I feel a little strange and I feel a little strange about him, like I won’t exactly feel right if he’s not holding me. I know I’ve said that before, but this time it feels a little different.

He tells me I’m experiencing something called sub drop. I’ll be feeling a little wonky, maybe fore the rest of the day, but he won’t leave me. He’ll hold me as much as I want. He pulls me into his arms. He kisses my face. I almost tell him that I think we should stay in bed, but I keep that to myself and we shower together and then we get dressed.

He hands me Titus’s leash and we head out into the darkness. We go a different way this time. The trail is narrower and Shep has me walk in front of him. “Titus knows the way,” he says. I don’t say anything, I just hold on and let this massive beast of a dog drag me through the wilderness. It’s colder than before. I know this kind of cold even though there’s something different to it in the city.

It’s going to snow at some point. I regret not bringing my hat, but I don’t want to pull up my hood even though my ears are getting cold. I want to be able to hear everything. It’s still dark when we come to this small clearing. There’s a break in the trees above though and that lack of coverage makes it light enough to see the tall ferns that grow uninterrupted.

“This is the spot,” Shep says. His voice sounds distant to me and I feel like I’m moving in slow motion when I turn to him as he starts to pull his camera out of its bag. Something flashes through me. It’s anger maybe. I don’t know, it’s something, and it’s making my skin itchy.

“Kiss me,” I say to him.

In the near darkness we’re close enough for me to see the corner of his lip turn up under his mustache. He says something, but I don’t hear him. I’m not paying attention. And he’s moving closer to me anyway so I know it doesn’t matter. He kisses me deep and slow. I try to live in that kiss, the way his lips are so smooth and the way his beard feels against my face. I look for what's making me feel so weird in the way his tongue slowly slides against mine. My clit starts to throb and I know if I finger myself I’ll be wet in that way that demands a certain kind of attention. My chest hurts when he pulls away and licks his lips.

“When I’m done. Right up against that tree. How does that sound?”

“Good,” I say. He smiles again. I know he’s happy that he finally has me wrapped around his giant little finger. Whatever a Dominant is supposed to be, he is that. He’s great at it. I am subdued. I have submitted. I’ll do it again and again. I’ll do it up against that tree when he’s done documenting the morning sky and the way we’re slowly killing our planet. I’ll do my best not to let whatever is eating at me choke me before he’s ready to show me how manly he can be out in the great wide open.

The sky starts to lighten but there's no sun. I was right, there's cloud cover and the temperature doesn't rise. It'll snow for sure. I search for that electric feeling in the air. It's there and it's makes me even more itchy the moment I realize it. Shep seems focused on the sky and the tops of the trees so I take Titus on a little walk across the clearing. I realize my mistake when I turn around. The clearing is bigger than it looks and Shep is really far away. I go back. He smiles as I come closer.

“Got a great shot of you and the beast here.” He holds out the body of his camera and shows me the little digital monitor. I blink a few times and look at the dot of a woman on the monitor.

“You should take nudes of me,” I hear myself say.

“You want me to?” he asks.

“Don't you want to?”

“Yes. But later and indoors. It's cold out here.”

“But not cold enough to stop you from fucking me up against that tree over there is it?”

“You want me to fuck you?” My pussy throbs at the words. He needs to stop looking at me like that or I might hurt him.

“If you're done, yeah.”

“I’m done.”

He tucks his camera away and takes Titus’s leash from my hand, then leads us both over to the end of the clearing. He loops Titus’s leash around a skinny tree then turns on me. I watch the predatory look in his eyes as he carefully pulls his shotgun over his shoulder and sets it on the ground. His camera bag follows and then he’s unzipping his jeans and pulling out his erection. I want to suck him, but I keep glancing at the gun. I'm waiting for it to go off. I can hear the sound of it, that ear splitting bang. I can hear it.

Shep’s in front of me all of a sudden. I glance down at my new best friend and see he’s already slipped a condom on. He's rough when he grips my breast through my jacket. Air rushes out of my mouth.

“I want it,” I say. I didn't know I could sound so needy and pathetic but here we are. He unbuttons my jeans and almost snaps my fly with how hard he pulls it down. He spins me around and I steady myself with both my gloved hands on the nearest tree.

He's inside me. I squeeze my eyes shut and bite back a moan. When I open my eyes I look over and see the gun resting on the ground. I can’t look away from it. It shouldn’t be on the ground. Shep’s hand slips around my neck, firm but gentle and he tilts my head up. He’s going to kiss me, but I can’t take my eyes off the gun. I can feel the air gathering in my lungs but it won’t come out. More and more goes in, but it’s not coming out. I can’t breathe. I shake my head. “Shep. Shep. Wait.” He lets me go and I turn around and pull up my pants before he can stop me.

“You okay?”

“No. I can’t—I can’t do this out here.”

“Okay, okay. That’s okay. We don’t have to.” He pulls off the condom and stuffs himself back in his pants.

“Pick up the gun.”

He stops moving and fixes me with the weirdest look, like I’m crazy. Like I asked him to shoot me.

“Pick it up.”

“Okay.” He looks away from me long enough to safely retrieve it from the ground, but his eyes are back on my face the moment he slings it back over his body. “Better?”

“Yes. Thank you. Is sex outdoors a part of your thing?”

“No. I just really wanted you and there was no one around.”

“You don’t know that,” I say before I realize what I’m saying. He looks at me, trying to sort it out.

“We’re off any of the public trails. No one comes up here.”

“I don’t want to do it, okay.”

“We don’t have to. I would never make you. I just—we’re alone up here.”

“Can we go back? You’re done taking pictures right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I said I was.” He head cocks a bit to the side and I realize I’m scaring him. I scrub my hands over my face and instantly regret closing my eyes. I drop my hands and stare back at him.

“Can we go please? I want to be inside.”

“Sure. Let’s go.” He picks up his camera and I take it from him so he can grab Titus’s leash. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing until I’m halfway down the trail. Shep is right behind me and every few feet Titus bumps into my side. He thinks this is a game. That’s fine. We can race back to the house. I start running. Shep calls my name but I don’t stop. It’s light enough. I can see. I can see fine. I know where I’m going and these new boots are easy to run in too. My feet hurt like hell, but it’s easy. I just keep my eyes on the break in the trees in front of me. I know exactly where I’m going.

I’m sweating by the time I reach Shep’s property. It feels good to run, I realize. I stomp to a stop, my arms flailing, my feet hitting the ground like I’ve just crossed the finish line on a track.

“Hey!” he says behind me, but I ignore him ’cause my phone is going crazy.

“Hold on. One sec.” I pull it out of my pocket. He really should lock his wifi. You get full bars in his yard. There’s a bunch of texts from Liz and some voicemails.

I hit the phone icon next to her name and she picks up after the second ring. “Oh thank god!”

“Is everything okay?” I look up at Shep and he’s frowning at me, but he doesn’t push. He nods toward the house and I follow him and Titus up the front steps.

“Oh my god, sorry. Everything’s fine. You will never guess who I ran into.”

“Who?”

“Vivianne Coolidge.”

“From Mode?” She’d been stuck at a table with Liz and I at a gala two New Year’s Eves ago. She hated me, but she and Liz had become instant friends.

“Girl, yes! She asked about you. She didn’t know you’d left Kleinman’s.”

“What did she want?”

“You! She wants you to come to work for her at Mode.”

“Shut the fuck up.” I know I need to go back to work in a few months, but I haven’t started looking and I hadn’t even considered sending my resume to Mode.

“I gave her your number and she said she was going to call you as soon as she gets to her office. She wants to talk to you like—” My phone beeps and I look at the screen. It’s a 212 area code.

“Shit that could be her.”

“Go!”

I don’t even say bye before I click over and let out an oddly confident hello. This woman could make or break my career.

“Claudia, love. It’s Vivianne Coolidge. I just ran into Elizabeth.” I sink down on Shep’s couch and listen as she basically tells me she’s delighted that I’m not dead and no longer working for Kleinman’s and how they want my impeccable taste for their editorial department. She throws out a number that would get me out of my tiny loft and into something with a park view instead of the view of my fire escape and two different brick walls.

I tell her I’m in Northern California. I’m on vacation. She tells me she’ll pick up the check for my red eye if I’ll just promise to be sitting across from her desk in the morning to discuss details. The winter shows are just around the corner and they need me now. I realize that I’m hesitating. I say yes. She transfers me to her assistant. I give her my information, and she’s going to book me a flight.

“Everything cool?” Shep nods toward my phone once I hang up. I’m still gripping it in my hand.

“Uh—yeah. Everything’s fine.”

“Good.” He comes and sits on the coffee table opposite me. I peel off my coat. I didn’t notice how much I was sweating until now. “Can we talk about what just happened back there?” He takes my chin in his hand and tilts my head up.

“What are you doing?”

“Looking at your pupils.”

I shake free. My mind is racing, but I’m okay. “I’m fine,” I tell him. I let out a deep breath and suck another back in. Again. “I’m sorry. I had another panic attack back there. I shouldn’t have run off like that. I can’t—I can’t explain it. I just freaked out.”

“I figured it was something like that. Listen we can spend the rest of the week in the house. I can call my bosses and tell them I need to forego a few days. I’ve sent them thousands of images.”

“No—no. I don’t want you to fuck up your project because of me. It’s fine. I just—” I realize again what I’m saying. “I—Shep, I have to leave.”

“I won’t try and screw you outdoors again. I promise. And I’ll take Titus out for quick walks and you can stay here. He’ll be cranky about it, but it’s only a few more days. He’ll survive.”

“No. Shep. It’s not about that. I actually have to leave.” I stand. “I, um, that was the editor-in-chief at Mode. She asked me to come work for her.”

“Oh,” he says. “That’s good, right? My mom used to swaddle me in Mode.” He lets out this laugh as he scrubs the back of his head. “My grandfather used to joke that she was always too Mode for these woods.” I cringe at the way his face drops then, at the way he looks at me. “So you have to leave like right now?”

“She wants me to come in tomorrow. Her assistant is booking me a redeye out of Sacramento as we speak. I have to go,” I say. A sort of clarity washes over me as the words come out of my mouth. It’s not just clarity though. It’s a sense of excitement. And there’s hope for the first time in months. I want this job.

“Okay.” Shep stands too. “Well I guess you should pack. It takes almost four hours to get to SMF and it’s going to snow today. I’d take you, but you have the rental. Are you cool to drive?”

“Yes. I’m okay. I swear. Just a little jittery, but not like swerve off the road jittery.”

“I meant with the snow.”

“Oh, yeah. Fine.” I wave him off. “I took driver’s ed in the dead of winter. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay.” Suddenly we both can’t stand to look at each other.

“I should pack.”

“Yeah.”

He turns toward the kitchen and I head straight into the bedroom. My stuff is spilling out of my suitcase and I still have a ton of things cluttering up his bathroom sink. I start shoving things in side pockets. When I look up Shep is standing in the doorway of his bedroom with my toothbrush and my lotion in his hands. I stop and sit down on the bed.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“For what?” I don’t miss how casual his voice suddenly is.

“For leaving like this. I fucking barge into your life. Twice! And now I’m like peace, bruh. It’s been fun. After I have a complete meltdown on you in the middle of the woods. I'm such an asshole I actually want you to ask me stay.” The last part comes out like straight vomit, but I can’t take it back.

Shep doesn’t seem to mind how crazy I clearly I am. How shitty. He sets my stuff down on the dresser and just leans back on the solid piece of wood. I watch the muscles in his forearms bulge as he folds them across his chest. He pins me with a cool stare.

“Why would I do that?”

“What?”

“I said, why would I do that? Why would I ask you to stay?” Shit. He’s pissed.

“Sorry,” I apologize again. “You're right. You wouldn’t. Fuck, that was really shitty and selfish of me. You're right. Word vomit. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“And what if I did ask you to stay? It wouldn't make a lick of difference.”

“Shep…”

“He's dead,” he says.

“Who?”

“The bastard who tried to kill you. He's dead, Claudia. He's not lurking anywhere in these woods. He's dead. I killed him. And the man who hurt Miles is about to get the injection! They can’t hurt you!” The words exploded out of him. I’m not sure he knows how loud he’s shouting. I’m swallowing as if that will calm him down.

“I...I know that.”

“No you don’t. I didn’t realize until just now, but I should have—the gun.”

I groan and cover my face. I have completely fucked up this man’s life. “Shep—”

“You know, there was a minute, like a split second where I felt really fucked up inside. I killed a man, but I had no choice. He gave me no choice. Right? I killed a guy. With that shotgun. For you. Because he was trying to hurt you. I didn’t even know you, but he was trying to hurt you so I did what I had to do. And then you come back and I have this—this retroactive bloodlust. I’d do it again. I'd kill anyone who tried to hurt you. But you still don’t feel safe with me.”

“Jesus. Shep. That's not—none of this is on you. None of it. It's on those two pieces of shit and every once in a while I like to blame Miles for his horrible choice in vacation destinations, but none of this is your responsibility. God. You saved my life. You're off the hook!”

“I love you!”

My chest feels like it snaps so hard, my mouth clamps shut.

“I love you,” he says again. “And that's not your fault, that is all me. But it's true and I am definitely on the hook.”

And this is what I didn’t want. Because I love him too, but I can’t tell him that, because none of this is real. It’s all temporary. I have to go back to my life and he has to go back to his. We can’t pretend we didn’t meet over my sliced scalp and the barrel of that blessed shotgun. We can’t pretend that I didn’t just sprint like a mad woman through the woods to get away from the ghost of my almost killer and maybe even Shep himself, not fifteen minutes before. I’m too fucked up for him. Too messy. He deserves better. Someone who can give him everything, a fresh start. Trauma free. I love him, but that will never be me.

“Don't forget your charger. It's still in the wall right there.”

I glance at the outlet on my side of the bed, then back at him. He’s walking out the door. “Shep.”

“Yeah?”

There’s nothing I can say. Nothing I can do to fix this. I need to leave this man alone so he can finally get on with his life without me twisting and fucking everything up.

He nods, like he knows. I’m not woman enough for him. I’m too chickenshit to be what he needs. “Don't worry about it,” he says. “I know you’re a pro behind the wheel, but driving down is still tricky even in good weather. Let me know when you're ready to go. You can follow me back down.” He doesn’t wait for me to respond. He just walks out of the bedroom. A few seconds later I hear the front door slam.