Shep

“Climate change isn’t real, my ass,” I say to no one, but Titus is looking up at me when I glance over at him. The sun is finally breaking through the clouds, giving me a chance at the shot I’ve been wanting for the last few days. This time of year the mountain typically has a few inches of snow, but it’s too warm. All we’re getting is rain.

I shoot for a while, catching the sun as it breaks through the clouds in the distance and passes under the horizon. I give Titus his moments of vanity and take a few shots of him exploring the underbrush and rocks that surround the paths on the way back to my place. It’s full dark before we break through onto my property and the temperature has dropped, but I’m in no rush.

I put my gun away, then set my camera bag and my walkie down, and go to grab Titus his dinner. I see the notification light is blinking on my house phone. It’s enough to sidetrack me. No one ever calls that number unless they need me down the mountain and they can’t get me on my cell. I go to hit the button and my phone rings again. The noise is so loud and grating I snatch it off the cradle before it can ring another time.

“Hello?”

“You busy?” It’s Connie. I can hear Paul shouting out orders in the background.

“Not really. Something the matter?”

“That girl, Claudia Cade. She’s in town. She came by the diner asking for you.”

“What?” I’m not sure I heard her right.

“That girl you saved. The one you brought down the mountain. She was just here. Jerry was in when she first came in. He was shocked to see her, but as soon as he left she asked me if I knew where to find you.”

I’m silent for a few moments too long. I hear Connie, but it’s not making any sense.

“Shep.”

“She still there?” I ask.

“No. I had her hang tight and gave her something to eat while I tried to get a hold of you. She just left.”

“Did she say where she was going?”

“She mumbled something about the hospital. She might have gone over there. You want me to call and see if Fern’s checked in yet?”

“No, no. You don’t have to. I’ll come down and see if I can find her. Thanks, Connie.”

“Not a problem.”

I ignore the way my heart is suddenly pounding and set down the phone. I have to feed Titus, I tell myself, and I have to put my gear away. Once that’s taken care of I do my damnedest not to drive off the road as I race my truck down to the bottom of the mountain.

* * *

The hospital’s a bust. One of the nurses I’m not familiar with tells me that Claudia’s been by the QER and dropped off some flowers for Fern. She’s said she’ll be back in the morning to see Sarah and the other girls on the day shift. If she’s still in town I know there are only two places she could be staying.

My short search brings me to the row of green and grey semi-attached cabins just off the highway. I pull into the Light Grass Lodges. There are only a few cars out front. The bell rings loudly when I open the front door, but Kaleb McCray is already at the desk.

“Hey man,” he says, stretching out his hand. I haven’t seen him in a while, but we try to catch up over at the bar every now and then. We clap palms and he reaches over the counter to pat me on the back. “What brings you over here?”

“Do you have a guest staying here? Name’s Claudia Cade. I checked over at The Mountain View, but Sam said they were all booked up.”

“Oh! Yeah. I—hold on. We’re not supposed to give out guests’ room numbers.”

“She’s here though, right?”

“Yeah she just stopped in and asked for extra towels. When I brought them to her it looked like she was settling in for the night.”

“Uh, yeah if you could call her room and tell her I’m here, that would be cool.”

“Not a problem, man.” He reaches for the phone. “I shouldn’t be surprised you’re here to see her. Haven’t seen a chick that hot around here in years. Of course Shepard Olsen the First has already laid claim to her.”

I don’t respond. He doesn’t need to know that I have no idea what she looks like when she’s not covered in blood or bruises or bandages.

“Miss Cade?” he says, his voice suddenly professional. “Hi, It’s Kaleb at the front desk. I have a Mr. Shep Olsen here to see you.” He pauses for a moment. “Would you like me to give him your room number?” Another pause. “Absolutely. I will let him know. Absolutely. You are very welcome.” He hangs up. The persona drops. “She’s coming up here. She said give her a few minutes.”

“Thanks.”

“So how do you know this chick?”

I turn around and look at the picture of Kaleb’s grandparents mounted on the wall by the light switches. “Kind of a long story.”

“She had a New York ID. Must be a good story if she came all the way out here to see you.”

“It’s not. The double murders back in April. That’s how we met.”

“Holy shit. That’s her?” The chatter around the county about Claudia and her brother, the man I’d killed and the scumbag that survived his run-in with Will’s cruiser didn’t die down until late summer, but I was sure everyone had heard an approximation of the events.

“Yeah. That’s her. Maybe relax a little when she comes in here.”

“Yeah, yeah. Of course. Sorry. That’s some heavy shit.”

“Yeah.”

Kaleb defaults to football and starts telling me about how he’s trying to get time off to use the Seahawks tickets his uncle got him for his birthday. We’re talking about the Rams’ move when I hear the front door click and the bell ring a half second later. I turn around and Claudia is standing there. She looks different than I remember, but I know it’s her. At the time, I was more concerned with her living through the night than I was with her looks, but Kaleb wasn’t wrong. She’s hot as fuck.

She’s shorter than me, like most everyone in a hundred mile radius, but she’s not very short. She’s wearing tight dark pants, some high tan boots, and one of those puffer winter jackets with a fur lined hood that somehow manages to hug her tits and her waist. She has makeup on, but she doesn’t need it. Her hazel eyes and her lips speak for themselves. She’s carrying a bouquet of roses. She smiles at me.

“Hi,” she says. That’s her voice, my brain tells me. I’ve only heard it a handful of times, but it’s burned into my memory along with other things from that night.

“Hey.”

She stands just inside the door for a moment before she snaps me out of whatever trance I’m still in and walks right up to me. She’s just inches from me when she hands me the flowers. “These are for you. Pink is for gratitude.”

I take them. “You didn’t have to.”

“I did.”

We’re both silent again. I can feel Kaleb watching us. Claudia glances past my shoulder as if to confirm that fact. She looks back up at me. The smile has faded. I don’t think either of us have thought much beyond this moment. She was looking for me. I found her. Now what?

“There are services that deliver these things, I’ve heard,” I say sarcastically, nodding at the flowers.

She smiles again. “I've heard, but I needed to do this.”

I don't argue. Instead I nod in understanding. I get it. There have been things I've needed to do too.

“I—are you busy? I mean, do you have plans tonight?” she asks.

“No. You want to get out of here?”

“Yeah, actually. Is there somewhere we can talk?”

“Yeah. I can drive.”

“Okay.”

“Come on.” I lightly take her arm. I almost pull away as she falls into step beside me, but I don’t. Instead my hand slides to the small of her back as I open the door for her.

I flip Kaleb the finger as the door closes behind me.

The sound of the bell mixes with his laugh.

* * *

The Peak is full with its usual Thursday night football crowd. And by full, I mean four of the regulars are crowded around the bar, grumbling at the old mounted TV. I greet the boys and ignore the double and triple takes they all shoot in Claudia’s direction. I tap on the counter and tell Rich to send two beers back to our table. Then I lead Claudia to a booth in the back of the worn-down watering hole. I watch her as she strips off her coat and almost choke. The shirt she’s wearing is a simple black tee, but it’s low cut and her tits are almost spilling out. They look so good, even if she were mine I wouldn’t tell her to cover up.

“I didn’t order for you out of some weird misogynistic shit. Blue Moon is the fanciest thing they have here.”

She smiles again as she scans my face. “It’s okay. A beer will loosen me up. Now that I’m looking at you I can see how crazy this is.”

“What, you being here in Quinten?”

“Yeah. I told myself I thought this through, but thinking and doing are different things.”

I feel the nervous energy rolling off her, but she keeps her eyes on my face. She's cataloging my features. She's not the only one. I want to reach across the table to see if the golden brown skin that covers the expanse from her forearm to her elbow is as soft as it looks.

“I don't think it's crazy.” Crazy is the amount of time I’ve spent thinking about her in the last several months. “I wouldn't have come down here if I was bothered by you being here.”

“Someone narced on me, huh?” Another smile. Fuck, her lips.

“See those guys at the bar and the bartender? Known them all since I was five years old. Kaleb back at the Lodges? He's my drinking buddy, when I come down to drink. It's a small town. Someone is always narcing on you.”

“That must be weird.” She sighs and plucks a napkin out of the holder. “I still shouldn’t have shown up like this and I cannot even pretend that I just happened to be driving by.”

“I’m sorry about back at the motel. You don’t—” I stop myself from saying what almost comes out of my mouth.

“I don’t have to explain why I flew three thousand miles to give you thank-you flowers?”

I shake my head. “I think there’s something to be said about boundaries, but I don’t think you showing up is out of bounds. I wanted to see you again.”

“You did?”

“I tried to come right back to the hospital, and the feds wouldn’t let me. They told me to stay away from you until their investigation was done. And then you were gone.”

Her face goes blank.

“They didn’t tell you,” I say.

“No. They—the cops and the staff at the hospital were pretty insistent about me resting and healing enough to travel and then they were discharging me. An agent picked me up and drove me straight to the airport.”

“They seemed to have an unnecessary flair for the dramatic. I got your note.”

Rich comes over before she can respond and hands us our beers. He stares a moment too long at Claudia when she thanks him.

“Uh, yeah. I wrote that note in sort of a panic. They weren't—they didn't handle things very well.”

“We don't have to talk about it,” I say. She's stops looking at me and starts to frantically destroy the label on her bottle of beer.

“Do you have nightmares?” she asks.

“Yes,” I answer.

She looks up at me. “I quit my job. And I dumped my boyfriend.”

“Because of the nightmares?”

“Because neither was making me feel better when I was awake.”

“What do you do, for work?” I ask. This is something I’ve wondered for a while. One of the many things I wondered about her.

“I was a buyer for Kleinman’s flagship store. What do you do?”

“I'm a photographer for the forest service and I do some digital design work.”

She says nothing again at first. She's going to town on that label. Someone scores and there's a bit of commotion to fill the silence. I wait.

“What do you have nightmares about?” she asks.

“Shit that makes me think I should probably talk to a shrink.”

“But?”

“But I know I won't.”

“I saw a shrink.”

“How did that work out?”

“Dumped her too. And now I'm here.” Claudia takes a long swig of her beer. She avoids my eyes, but she's still very pointedly looking at my chest.

“I was worried about you, but then I realized it was more like I was worried about my own psyche if I didn't get some kind of closure about this whole shit,” I tell her.

“What kind of closure did you need?”

You. Seeing you, touching you, claiming you in a very specific way, I want to say, but I can't. I know the tricks my mind is playing on me. The months of thinking about her molded her into someone I know she isn't. A figment of my imagination. If I can just dominate that person one time, the person in my mind, bring her to the peak, break her and bring her back down safely I know we’ll both exorcise the demons that keep me up at night. That keep me from setting foot in the woods on the east side of my property.

“Just to know I did the right thing.”

“You did,” she says.

I feel my jaw tensing. You're a good boy, I hear my grandfather say. Too good. You've got to stick up for yourself.

“I know,” I say. “Seeing you helps.”

“Does it?”

“Yes.”

“Seeing you helps me too. I don't remember you being this tall.”

“I don't remember you being this sexy,” I say truthfully.

A hint of red crawls across her skin and she takes another sip of her beer. Then she clears her throat. “Don't say stuff like that.”

“I apologize. I won't do it again.”

“I just wanted to see you, but we’re practically strangers still. I don't think fucking you would be a good idea. You…nevermind. I can't say that.”

“Can't say what?” I push.

“I can't make a certain comparison. You and I don't have a before.”

“What do you mean?”

“You didn't know me before.”

“Have you changed?”

“Yes and no, but enough about me. Tell me about this gorgeous little mountain town. I thought it would be weird to be back, but it’s been okay. Everyone is so nice it's distracted me from any mounting anxiety.”

I almost laugh at the thought of Kaleb’s customer service voice and how Rich typically would have told me I could pick up my own damn beers at the bar.

“It's pretty much what you get is what you see. Permanent number of residents is pretty small. There are seasonal folks that come in the spring and the summer, but we all know each other pretty well for the most part.”

“And you have family here?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“It was me and my grandfather until he passed away about five years back,” I explain.

“So you're an orphan like me.”

“Not exactly. My parents are still alive. They split their time between Colorado and D.C.”

“Oh.”

“My father is a blue blood senator from Colorado, been in the public eye his whole life. My mom was his mistress. When his wife died, my mom dropped me here with my grandfather so she could marry him.”

Her mouth is sort of hanging open.

“Without this,” I scrub my beard with my fingers, “he and I could be twins. It wouldn't make sense if his new girlfriend already had a five year old that looked exactly like him. He thought it was better if I didn't exist.”

“Oh. Wow. Yeah. My whole family's just dead.”

“I think both are pretty fucked up.”

“True.”

I finally take a sip of my beer and decide it's best if we keep the conversation focused on her. I can't say anything else that won't scare her off.

“Not sure this makes sense considering what you’ve already told me, but are you okay?”

“Little of column A, little of column B.”

I sit back. The alternative involves taking her hand.

“The therapy helped with the survivor’s guilt. So in that respect I just really miss my brother.” A single huge tear rolls out of her eye and then another, but her voice doesn't waver. She grabs some napkins and wipes her cheeks. “Sometimes I even feel good about being alive. Like I don't wish I was dead, I just wish he was here with me.”

“That makes sense. What's going on with column B?”

She sighs and sits back too. “It involves being angry pretty much all the time.”

“Ah. I can see that.”

“Yeah?”

I lean forward and show her the healed cuts on my knuckles. “Punched a tree a few months back.”

She leans forward and runs her fingers over my hand. I ignore the heat and focus on the noticeable scars that cover her own skin.

“I was walking with a limp for so long that I thought I'd done permanent damage to my hip,” she says.

“How's the hip now?”

“Fine. But sometimes when I have a shitty dream and I wake up, I fall back into the limp for a few minutes.” She laughs, then chugs the rest of her beer. “I feel like we’re Army buddies sharing our old war stories.”

She’s not wrong. A lot happened that night and neither of us have recovered from it. “Tell me what you need,” I say.

She shakes her head and then tips the bottle back to claim the last few drops. “I can't.”

“Why not?”

“Because it's delusional and selfish. So I settled for flowers. I wanted to thank you and the nurses who took care of me. And even Sheriff Bingham who actually tried to keep me informed.”

“Tell me what you need,” I say again.

“I can't.”

I give up and move on. Pressuring her is useless. And a dick move. “When do you head home?”

She shrugs. “Whenever I want, I guess. I planned to see my brother’s girlfriend in San Francisco before I head back, but ya know. No job, no rush.”

And no boyfriend to get back to, I think.

“I don't know. I want to get to know you better,” she says. “I want us to be close.”

“I think we are close.”

“But it's weird. I don't know you.”

I nod. Clearly I'm not the only one struggling with this.

“I looked for you online. You're hard to find.”

“I'm not on social media and my photography is under S. Olsen.”

“Did you look for me?”

“No.”

Pain flashes in her eyes for just a second.

“It was for the best, I think.”

“I should go,” she says suddenly. She stands and grabs her jacket. “Do you mind giving me a lift back?”

“Claudia.”

“Really. I just wanted to see you and say thank you. I’m not sure if you’re a vase guy or even a flower guy, but a mug or even a tall glass will work just fine if you cut down the stems enough.”

I look at her for a few more seconds, but she’s avoiding my eyes. She’s done. I stand and grab her empty and what’s left of my beer, then nod for her to lead the way. I ignore the look on Rich’s face when I leave the empties and a twenty on the bar.

On the short ride back to the Lodges, Claudia looks out the window of my truck and comments on the quaintness of the town. I think of how there’s no way I can salvage this night. There is nothing to salvage. It’s all in my head. She points me to the car that’s parked in front of her cabin and I pull up next to it. I get out and walk her to her door.

“Well, thank you for coming down to see me. I know it’s weird, me being here,” she says.

“It’s not weird. Let me see your phone. I’m going to give you my numbers this time,” I say. She peers up at me for a moment, but then she reaches into her pocket and pulls out her cellphone. She hands it to me. I type in my cell and my house phone numbers, label them appropriately. I give her back her phone.

“Call me before you leave.”

“I will.” She bites her lip, then looks at the part in the curtains that cover the cabin window. I watch as the orange glow from the porch light plays across her face. She looks back up at me. “It was nice to see you, Shep. I owe you my life.”

“You don’t owe me anything.”

She huffs out a little laugh and looks down. She swallows. She closes her eyes for a moment and then she looks back up at me and holds out her hand. “Mr. Olsen.”

I pull her into my arms and kiss the top of her head. “Keep stretching out that hip,” I say. She sags against me and that’s when my brain decides it’s time to go. I grip her shoulders and stand away. I see the hurt play across her face again. I have to go. There’s no see ya. No goodbye. I turn and get in my truck. And leave.

I’m almost at the pass when my phone rings. It’s a 718 number. I slow down and pull over to the side of the road.

“Hello?”

“Why didn't you look for me?” She’s crying. “I could have died in your arms and then I vanish with this note that frankly reads like something my mom would have forced me to write to thank a tutor for their time and you don't look for me?”

“Because.”

“Because why? Tell me. I didn't imagine what happened in the hospital and I'm not saying it was anything sexual. And I appreciate that you came to check on me at all, but you didn't have to stay with me. You didn't have to hold me the way you did. How was it so easy for you to walk away after you got my note?”

I feel my forehead start to throb. “Don't do that.”

“Do what?”

“Pretend like that note had your address and phone number at the bottom and I was just too cold hearted to use them. That letter felt like a thank you and farewell to me. You had returned to your old life. Tell me where the line is between concern and stalking.”

She’s quiet for a while before she responds, but I know she’s still there.

“I'm sorry.” She lets out a watery breathe. “I'm sorry. I—I told you what I needed was selfish and delusional.”

“What would have happened if I just showed up in New York three months ago? Would you have been okay with that? Would your boyfriend have been okay with that?” It's low, but it's the truth.

“I know. I just—it hurts. You said you thought about me. Weren't you the least bit curious?”

“Claudia.”

“Just tell me please. Maybe I just need to hear what's actually going through your head. Maybe that’ll actually help more than giving you roses.”

I close my eyes and clench my free hand. My cock is already rising as I consider what I actually want.

“Shep.”

“Curious doesn't cover it,” I say. “Seeing you that hurt, it gutted me. I wanted to protect you and take care of you, but I knew that wasn't—”

“It wasn't what?”

“It was all about me. It was what I wanted and what I needed. I couldn't put that on you.”

“Can you come back to the motel? Please?”

I know I shouldn't. “Why?” I ask.

“Because I didn’t come here to see you for five minutes. I can admit that.”

“Why did you come here?”

“I don’t know.” She almost shouts. This is the part I didn’t want to deal with because it’s not cut and dried. It’s a fucking mess. But I can’t walk away from her.

“I can't stay. I left my dog up at my place.”

“Then let me come up.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“A lot happened up at my place, Claudia. I’m bringing you right back down if you can’t handle it.”

“I’m not—” she stops herself. She brings herself back to reality. My house, my yard, it’s a part of her war story. Neither of us know what demons she’ll find up there. “Okay,” she finally says.

I sigh. This isn’t about me. It’s about her. “Go to the front desk and wait for me.”

“Why?”

“So we can tell Kaleb you’re coming up to my place.”

“Why does the hotel clerk need to know our business?”

“Because when beautiful women come into towns like this and leave their cars at roadside motels it’s good for a few people to have an idea of what’s going on and where they actually went.”

“Oh. Okay, yeah. That’s not a bad idea.”

“I’ll be right there.” I end the call and make sure it’s clear for me to make a u-turn.

I’m making a huge fucking mistake.