Chapter 19
That night when they got back to Kenley’s apartment, she didn’t talk about the trial and he didn’t have the courage to bring it up. She crawled into bed next to him and ran her hands up his chest. He knew what she was doing. He’d allowed her to do it many times because he’d honestly thought she was okay. But after seeing the way she’d reacted in the courtroom, he couldn’t let her hide anymore.
“We need to talk,” he said. The look of horror on her face clued him in that he’d said something terribly wrong. “Oh. No. Not that kind of talk.” He shook his head and waved his hands in front of him, hoping to erase the concern on her face.
“What do you want to talk about?” She still looked worried.
“I think it’s time to admit that you’re not as fine as you thought you were.” She frowned, and he wanted to give in and just love the hurt away, but that wouldn’t work. Not in the long run.
She let out a sigh and nodded.
“I was okay until I saw him. In my memories he was a lot bigger. I remember being scared. But then I saw him and I felt so weak. The guy was barely bigger than I am and I couldn’t defend myself.”
“He had a gun, Kenley. He was also high, which would have made it difficult to fight him off.” He brushed a piece of hair behind her ear. “I know you’re strong enough to heal from this. I just don’t think it’s a good idea to use sex to block it out.”
She nodded. “Okay. You’re right. Dr. Fulmer and I prepared for this, but I don’t think anything could have readied me to see him again. I’ll talk to her about it at my session next week.”
Instead of sex, he held her close to him all night, glad her part of the trial was over. She didn’t want to hear the rest, so the next day they planned to go out on the boat and move on with their lives. If only he had a clear idea of what to do next. She’d assured him they didn’t need to worry about the future. They only needed to live for now. He’d been planning to take the next step after the trial, but was she ready?
* * *
Stepping into Dr. Fulmer’s office made her feel stronger already. She was determined to get through this so she could be free. She didn’t want to cringe when she saw someone who reminded her of the man who had scared her. She didn’t want to have flashes of memories that terrified her. And she didn’t want to obsess about what could have happened until she was afraid to be alone. She wanted to take back her life, and assure Zane that she wasn’t using sex to hide from what happened.
After the meeting with Dr. Fulmer, Kenley felt better about the trial, though she was still not clear what her next steps with Zane should be. She just knew she wanted more.
Zane was supportive, and Brady was a huge comfort in that he came up with new and inventive ways to inflict bodily harm on anyone who would try to hurt her, and shared them with her to make her laugh. It probably wasn’t the healthiest of ways to deal with things, but it made her feel better.
She liked having Hunter in the office on the three days he worked for them. It was fun watching him take ownership of his new duties. It was also nice to have company when Zane was away on business, which wasn’t as often as it had once been.
She and Zane were making out in his office the next week when someone came in the front door.
“I swear if that is my sister I’m going to kick her out.”
“You can’t, she’s going shopping with me, to help pick out something to wear to the reunion.”
“You’re sure you want to go? I can think of other things to do that night.” He nibbled the skin under her ear, making her shiver in delight.
“You stood by me when I faced down my fears. I want to help you do the same.”
“Fine, but I’m warning you, your man with a gun has nothing on a ballroom full of bullies.” He winked at her as they heard footsteps in the hall.
“I’m walking very slow and loud so as not to catch you unawares,” Sidney called from outside the door.
“Come in!” Zane yelled.
“Everyone’s properly clothed?”
“Yes. It’s safe.” Kenley laughed and scooted off Zane’s lap.
Sidney stepped in, still covering her eyes.
“Of course it’s safe,” Zane said, acting smooth. “Just taking care of some business.”
“Right. Business.” Sidney laughed. “You ready to go? I’m eager to do something fun with someone who doesn’t go in their pants.”
“I’m ready.” She kissed Zane goodbye, who kept the PDA to a minimum in front of his sister.
“Have a nice time. I’ll see you on Friday when I get back from North Carolina. Don’t worry about locking up. I’ve got it.”
“All right. Have a safe trip. I’ll miss you.” Kenley bit his earlobe and Sidney made a gagging sound.
“I’ll miss you too.”
With a wave they left him at his desk and headed for the mall.
* * *
“What do you think of this one? Too much?” Kenley held up the proverbial little black dress on steroids. The last party she’d been to hadn’t ended very well. She hoped she wouldn’t be accused of adultery.
“Does it come with a can of Insta-Pimp?” Sid smirked.
“You could just say no. You don’t have to come up with a clever insult for every dress.”
“It’s a gift.”
Kenley laughed.
“I want to look really good so Zane isn’t embarrassed to have me with him. I know he’s nervous about seeing his old classmates.”
Sidney let out a laugh at this. “You’re kidding right? He will be thrilled to have you with him. Even if you wore a burlap bag. Besides, you’re already fulfilling his wildest dreams by looking like the girl he fantasized in high school.”
“I am?”
“Didn’t he tell you? It was the reason he didn’t want to hire you at first. Because you reminded him of the girl who wouldn’t give him the time of day back then. She broke his little heart.” She shook her head. “I think he gave in and hired you because it was his way of taking the power back or something like that.”
“Oh,” was the only thing Kenley could say.
“But that doesn’t matter now. You two are great together.”
“Right.” Kenley hadn’t realized Zane was with her because she looked like someone he’d once loved. This information made it suddenly hard to breathe. All this time, she’d thought Zane cared about her, and here he was only living out a fantasy that didn’t have anything to do with her.
An hour later, they agreed on a different black dress. They went out to dinner, where Kenley pretended to have a great time. But the truth was, Sidney’s words had taken root and doubt was growing quickly.
She knew how she felt about Zane and he made her feel special when they were alone. But was he only with her to live out some fantasy?
He called the next day, but she was in the middle of showing Hunter how to use the microwave to heat up his lunch.
She called him back later.
“How did the shopping go?” he asked.
“I found a dress.”
“You would be beautiful in a paper bag.”
“You think so?” She wasn’t trying to hit him up for a compliment, but she wanted to know if he really felt that way or if he was just saying what was expected. One off-hand remark from Sidney and she was beginning to question everything. She hated it.
“Yes. And not just beautiful, but smart and funny.” He sounded completely sincere and her heart relaxed a little. Surely that didn’t have anything to do with an old fantasy. “Plus, I think you’re beautiful in nothing at all.”
“Yeah, well, you’re the only guy who’s ever seen me in that.”
“I’m the luckiest man on the planet.”
She smiled, feeling special. She almost asked him about the girl from his past, but couldn’t bring herself to do it.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Good night.”
She sighed as she went to bed, trying to put her insecurities aside. Zane was with her because he liked her. Not because she looked like someone he never had.
Unfortunately her subconscious wasn’t on board with the plan to move on. She woke from a dream in which Zane walked into the reunion, and spotted his long lost love, who ran straight into his arms. The two of them ran off together, leaving Kenley standing there in a room full of strangers. Alone.
* * *
Brady pulled in at Elmhurst late on Friday evening. He’d missed his visit with Hunter last weekend, because of catching up on the time he took off to attend the sentencing. While Zane and Kenley didn’t care about the outcome of the trial, he needed to see it through. To make sure that guy wouldn’t be out there hurting other people.
People like Hunter or Michaela. He hadn’t seen or spoken to her since he’d fled her home after her invitation to move in with him. A lot of people thought of him as a hero. He’d saved some of his men in Iraq, and Kenley had told him how much he’d changed her life.
But Brady knew what he was underneath. A coward.
He was afraid of loving someone who might not always love him back. Hunter was safe. He would always be his brother. Everyone else was an unknown.
Taking a left onto Hunter’s floor he took the corner and stopped at the door to his brother’s room. An older man sat in a hospital bed, struggling to get a spoonful of green Jell-O up to his mouth.
Brady backed up and looked at the number beside the door. Was he on the wrong floor?
No.
He hurried to the nurse’s station, worry making his stomach turn. Surely if he’d been injured they would have contacted him.
“Where has Hunter Martin been moved?” he demanded.
The nurse’s smile faded as confusion set in.
“Hunter moved to a personal residence last week.”
“Personal residence?” Brady said at the same time it clicked. With a terse “Thank you” he rushed out of the facility and hopped up into his truck.
She’d gone too far this time.
* * *
Michaela didn’t have to look to see who was pounding at her front door. She’d been waiting for him to show up for the last week.
With a deep breath she pulled open the door and braced herself.
“What the hell are you thinking?” he started.
She put up her hand and shook her head.
“You can either calm down to talk about this rationally, or you can leave. The choice is up to you.”
“Apparently the choice isn’t up to me at all. You’ll just do what you want behind my back when I’m out of town.”
“I didn’t do anything behind your back. And the choice of whether Hunter came to live here wasn’t yours to make. He’s an adult. It’s his decision.”
“I want to see him.”
“I want you to see him too, but before that happens you need to calm down.”
“The hell I do.”
“Brady, you need to stop using your brother to punish yourself. It’s not fair to him.”
Brady stepped back, eyes wide, as if she’d slapped him. She was sure it probably felt that way to him. She wanted nothing more than to hug him and ease his pain, but she needed to stay strong. She couldn’t back down now. Not if she wanted to help these men.
“I’m not—”
“You are. You want to take care of him as penance for not being there to take care of him before the accident. But you’re suffocating him. You need to let him go and let go of the guilt. He’s happy here. Please just see for yourself with an open mind before you drag him back to a half-life in some home.”
He blinked a few times and walked in a slow circle. When he was calm he came to stand in front of her. His lips were pressed together in a firm line, but he nodded once.
He was listening. She took a breath. This was her chance.
“He doesn’t have a lot of furniture right now. I redirected your last payment to Elmhurst into a checking account for Hunter. We went furniture shopping, but he insists on having furniture like he had at home, and we haven’t been able to find the right thing yet. We moved the bed from my spare room, and he has a card table in the dining room for now.”
Brady said nothing as he followed her into her kitchen and through a door that led into Hunter’s new home.
Hearing her enter, Hunter glanced up and said, “I still have four hundred ninety-two dollars and forty-six cents after I paid this bill.” Hunter happily held up a check before he noticed his brother. “Brady! Look! I’m paying bills.”
“You have bills?” Brady’s voice was tight.
“Yep.” She still found his excitement over bills amusing.
“When he decided to move in, he had two requests. That he get to pay bills like you, and that he could have you over for dinner.”
Brady swallowed, but remained silent.
“I promise you, his bills are minimal. Enough to give him his independence and build some credit without being overwhelming.”
“I also paid for my bus pass,” Hunter announced while holding up another check. There was no way Brady could misinterpret the excitement on Hunter’s face. “Brady, can you stay for dinner?”
“Sure thing. What are we having?” Brady’s voice wavered as he moved closer.
“I’m not allowed to use the stove. It’s not even plugged in. But I have meals ready.” Hunter opened the refrigerator. “You can have barbeque chicken with rice and broccoli. That one takes four minutes to make. Or you can have fish with roasted potatoes and green beans. Or there’s a turkey salad wrap. Or we can get pizza.”
He moved to the envelope hanging on the refrigerator with the correct amount of cash for the delivery and tip.
“I can only get pizza once a week. The rest of the time I have to eat healthy.”
Brady choked down his obvious emotion in order to answer. “I think the fish sounds good.”
“That takes five minutes.” Hunter nodded and removed the fish dinner. He opened the lid and held out the directions. “Then I will let it set for a minute before you can eat it.”
Brady remained silent as Hunter put the meal in the microwave and said. “Five-oh-oh, and start.”
When Hunter got two plates out of the cabinet and put them on his temporary card table, Brady sucked in a breath and stepped back.
“I’m going to go wash up,” he managed to get out before he fled down the hall.
“The soap in my bathroom smells like apples!” Hunter called.
He hadn’t shut the bathroom door completely, so she pushed it open to find Brady bent over the sink sobbing. She moved her hand over his bowed back and he turned in a quick move to pull her into his arms.
“I’m so sorry. I’ve been such an ass to you and you’ve been so wonderful. He’s so happy, Mick. I have been holding him back. I guess I did want him to need me, but that was a dick move. I shouldn’t want him to need me or anyone. I’ve been so selfish.”
“Shh. You’ve done everything you knew to do to take care of him.”
“It was all wrong.”
“It wasn’t. You love him. And that can’t ever be wrong.”
“But look at him.” Brady pointed toward the kitchen as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “He’s making me a fish dinner, and setting the table.”
“And he still needs you to be his brother.”
Brady choked up again and then ran some water to splash over his face. He dried his face and hands on one of the towels Hunter had picked out because they were the same color as Brady’s.
When he was collected he pulled her close and rested his forehead against hers.
“I love you,” he whispered.
Her breath caught and she moved away, but he held her tighter.
“I’m not just saying it because of what you’ve done for my brother, though that in itself would have been enough. I love you because of the way you’re willing to stand up to me for my own good.”
She opened her mouth to protest, but he cut her off with a kiss.
“Brady. Your dinner is ready.” Hunter knocked on the door.
“I’m coming.” Brady smiled.
“How many minutes?”
“Just one.”
“Okay.” When Hunter’s footsteps retreated he gave her a quick kiss.
“Come on, woman. My dinner is getting cold.”
He opened the door and took her hand as he led her to the kitchen.
“Mick, what do you want to eat?”
“I think I’ll let you boys have dinner alone.”
“Please stay,” Brady asked. Squeezing her hand. “This is a family dinner, right Hunter?”
“Yep.”
“I’ll take the turkey wrap.”
“I knew you were going to pick that,” Hunter said with a smile as he got it out. “That doesn’t take any minutes.”
He put it on the table and put the chicken in the microwave.
“Why are we eating our nice family dinner on this card table?” Brady asked Hunter when he sat down.
“We couldn’t find a table like the one at your house.”
Brady nodded and took a bite of his dinner.
“What would you say if we moved all the furniture from my apartment in here?”
“Are you going to move in with me?” Hunter asked.
“No. I’m going to move in next door with Mick.”
“But you can come over sometimes for dinner, right?”
“Yes. I’ll definitely come over sometimes for dinner.” Brady gave her a wink, and she knew she’d done the right thing.
For all of them.
* * *
Kenley was only wearing her slip when Zane knocked. He’d had a delay and didn’t make it home on Friday. He’d barely made it in time to change and come pick her up. She let him in and his mouth dropped open.
“Is that the dress?” he asked.
“No. It’s my underwear.”
“Okay. I was a little nervous for a second.”
She laughed as he held out a bouquet of flowers for her.
“Thanks. What are these for?”
“I was thinking about you while I was away and I wanted you to know.” He leaned over and kissed her. His hand trailed down her back and rested on her rear end.
“You promised,” she reminded him. “I need to get ready.” Despite the fact she would have liked to claim him as her own before they tempted fate at the reunion, they didn’t have time.
“Fine.” He let his head fall back. He was wearing a suit, but his lack of a tie said, I don’t give a damn about you people.
He followed her into the bedroom and talked to her about work as she went into the bathroom to put on her makeup and do her hair. It was a comfortable conversation. One she imagined having with a husband. She frowned at herself in the mirror. She hated when she jumped too far ahead. It only led to disappointment. After discussing it with Dr. Fulmer, she realized it was one of the reasons she’d never gone further in her past relationships. She worried about getting emotionally attached too soon. That kept her from becoming emotionally attached at all. Like her virginity, it was another of those vicious circles she couldn’t escape.
She walked back out and slipped the dress up her legs, turning so he could zip it.
“And then Paul pointed out that the boat was one—” He stopped talking when she turned around. “Wow.” He looked her up and down as she slipped on the heels.
“It looks okay?”
“There’s not a lot more fabric to the dress than the thing you have on under it,” he noted, making her laugh.
“I guess not, but this is really a dress.”
“Are you sure?” He was still checking her out, peeking down the front. He frowned. “I don’t know, Kenley. I might need a sharp stick to keep the guys away from you.”
Despite his reaction she still felt a little self-conscious about the dress by the time they got in the truck and he started the vehicle. Before he backed out, he leaned over and kissed her painted lips, taking a bit of it with him.
The closer they got to the hotel the more tense he became. His knuckles were nearly white when he finally parked and jumped out to come help her down. This was it.
At the doors to the building he paused and smiled down at her.
“You’re absolutely gorgeous. Stop fidgeting.”
“You look pretty scrumptious yourself.”
He tilted his head to the side and then looked toward the doors.
“I’m not trying to impress anyone in there, Ken. I know they don’t matter. But you do. And I don’t want you to get a bad impression of me from the way these people treat me. I was no one to them. I doubt they’ll even remember my name.”
Despite his claim not to care, she knew he did.
“You’re not that boy anymore, Zane. You’re better than those stupid people who picked on you. You are now, and you were back then. For your own happiness, let the bad stuff go. Either because of, or in spite of those people you became the man you are now. The man I—” She stopped before she said too much. “The man who owns his own successful business.”
“The man who is walking in there with the most beautiful woman on his arm who plays a key part in making his business such a success?” He held up his elbow and she tucked her hand around his arm so he could lead her inside.
They moved into the large room, crowded by people their age. Right inside the door was a table covered in name badges and manned by three women. One of those women looked very familiar to Kenley.
“Name please?” the woman said with a bright smile.
“Zane Jackson.”
The woman stood up straighter, her smile glowing at maximum level.
“Zane? Is it really you?”
“Hi, Courtney.” The woman wasn’t wearing a name badge, but that didn’t keep Zane from remembering her name.
The woman clapped in glee and came around the table to hug him. Zane’s expression was pure shock as he hugged her back and then stepped to the side.
“Look at you! I can’t believe how tall you are.” She’d mentioned his height, but had her hand on his arm. As if what she’d wanted to say was that she couldn’t believe how filled out he was.
Thanks to Sidney, Kenley had seen a photo of Zane from high school. She knew he’d been kind of skinny.
“You look good,” Zane managed to say.
“Thanks. How are you? I always think of you when I come home to visit. Me and my two boys live in Denver now.” No mention of a husband. No ring on her finger.
Kenley fidgeted again, causing Zane to remember her existence.
“This is Kenley Carmichael. My girlfriend.”
“It’s so nice to meet you,” Courtney said, as friendly as could be. “You have the sweetest guy for a boyfriend. No matter how bad of a day I was having, Zane always had a smile for me when we passed each other in the hall.”
“Yes. He has a great smile.” Kenley resisted the urge to step between them. She was not going to be petty or jealous. Even though she’d banked everything on the hope that this woman would be a vile bitch, instead of a completely pleasant person.
Another person walked in so Courtney was forced to return to her post.
“You two go on and have a great time. I’ll try to catch up with you later, Zane.”
“O-okay,” Zane stammered and moved into the room while affixing the sticker with his name printed on it.
“So that’s her?” Kenley said.
“Her who?”
“The girl you’re pretending I am?”