Later that night, Owen realized that he was going to have to make a decision soon. After hearing about her relationship with her ex from the past, and now the present, he realized that his and Jill’s relationship wasn’t all that healthy either.
He was putting his own career first, similar to what Darren did. The only difference was, he hadn’t made a promise to her. He hadn’t made her put her life on hold and told her it wouldn’t work when it was her time.
She wasn’t his wife, just his girlfriend. One that wasn’t publicly acknowledged.
And when he thought of it that way, it was even worse.
All he was trying to do was get through the next week. Then the next few months while his position was filled and he was officially in the new one.
But could he make her wait that long before they told people about their relationship? Did he even want to?
He didn’t.
Which was why he’d told his mother he was seeing someone when Luke was in the other room. His mother had a million questions that he’d dodged like a swarm of bees from a hive he’d knocked into with a stick. But he knew she wasn’t going to let him dodge them too much longer. No, she had her stinger out and was aiming right at him.
For the moment, she seemed satisfied when he used Jill’s words of “it’s complicated.”
A week later, the announcement still hadn’t come through, but Owen was getting antsy and his mother was getting nosy. Those damn stingers of hers were making a reappearance as if he was covered in sugar minus an epi-pen.
So he and Jill went and had lunch together and he asked, “Do you have plans tomorrow?”
“No. I might get some Christmas decorations up. I’m late this year. I normally do it right after Thanksgiving, but I just haven’t been in the mood this year. Why, does Luke have plans?”
“I was actually thinking of having you over to my parents’ for dinner.” Her jaw dropped and he laughed. “Unless you don’t want to meet them?”
“I do. I mean, I thought we were keeping it quiet.”
“I still want to keep it quiet at work and my family won’t say anything if I ask them not to. I told my mother last week. I confessed that I really wasn’t shopping, that I was seeing someone and wanted to spend the day with you. She said she knew all along and was wondering when I was going to come forward.” Nothing got by his mother.
“So you want me to meet Luke then?” she asked.
“I do. I thought about it and figured that it’s time. If I count our first lunch together, we’ve been seeing each other for almost two months.”
“So long,” she said, grinning.
“I’m sure it seems long to you to keep it quiet.”
“It has. I hope you don’t feel like you need to do it for me,” she said.
“That’s part of it. Hear me out,” he said when she opened her mouth. “I don’t want you to think it’s not serious when it is. Even though I don’t want it known at work, I’d hope the fact that I’m introducing you to my son proves that this isn’t casual to me. It’s not something I’m taking lightly.”
He wasn’t sure what to think when her eyes started to fill again, thankfully her words were clearer. “Thank you. I don’t want to think negatively of our relationship, but it’s hard at times. I wondered if you were embarrassed of me.”
“Get that thought right out of your head.”
Every time he heard her bring herself down he wanted to strangle her ex. Upon first glance at her, she seemed to have it all together, but he was learning that she was a master at hiding what was really going on.
“I know it’s not the case, but...”
“I get it. I’m sorry that I made you feel that way.”
He was trying as hard as he could to let her know he really did care for her. Did he love her? He wasn’t sure. But he knew she had a place in his heart and he wanted to continue to explore that. He wanted to continue to feel something he never had before. He wanted to continue to have something besides fatherhood to be happy about in life.
If someone had asked him if he loved Ashley, he could have honestly said no. They didn’t have a healthy relationship and Ashley had known he was backing away. She’d pulled out all the stops to prevent that. He just wished he’d known that back then.
But then he’d never have Luke and he wouldn’t change a thing if it meant not having his son in his life.
Jill reached her hand over and laid it on his, patted it briefly and pulled it away. They never showed any affection in public on their lunches since there was too great of a risk of someone seeing them.
“You’re a good person, Owen. I’m glad I never knew your ex, but I know I wouldn’t have believed a word she’d said about you.”
He laughed. “Most didn’t, but it was still frustrating.”
“Sounds like we both have messed up exes.”
“Maybe we needed to go through them to appreciate what we’ve got now.”
***
Jill had no idea Owen wanted to introduce her to his son and parents. She was both thrilled and terrified at the same time.
In her mind, it meant more that she was going to meet the most important people in his life than her co-workers knowing, even if that was a hard pill to swallow that none of her friends would know. Of course, her friends were all blabbermouths.
There were times she wanted to be able to walk into his office and just make a comment about talking later, or grabbing lunch, asking about Luke. Personal things that people who date do.
Did she want to grab him and kiss him more often than not? Yeah, she did, but she wouldn’t even if everyone did know at work. That would be putting a label on her that she’d never wanted.
But it was so hard to not slip at times.
Maybe it wouldn’t be that much longer before they could start to let people know at work.
For now though, they picked up their lunch and got in their cars and drove back. They didn’t even ride together when they went to lunch and never went back at the same time. It was just those little things that made her feel bad.
That made her feel less like a woman he was dating and more like a fling on the side.
Like they were sneaking around or having an affair.
She decided to run to the store quickly and grab a few items she was running low on before going to the office. It’d be just her luck that she’d run into Darren there when he worked in Albany, not Latham. There was no avoiding him either, not when he saw her and ran up like a long lost friend.
“Hey, Darren. What are you doing here?” she asked, but her voice wasn’t as cheerful as always.
“I had a client meeting and decided to stop in and grab a few things before going back to the office.” He looked down at the items in her basket. “Guess we were both short on coffee. You normally made me go pick it up,” he said, laughing.
There was a time she’d laugh at that little joke, but now it only annoyed her. All those things she thought were cute back then...just weren’t. “Yeah, well, you had more time on your hands. Guess we both need to take care of ourselves now.”
He frowned at her. “Where did that come from?”
“Nothing. Forget I said it.” No use taking her moodiness out on him.
He reached for her arm. “No. I’m not going to forget you said it. What’s wrong?”
“Are you happy in your life, Darren?” she asked before she could stop the words.
“What kind of question is that? Of course I am. I’ve got a career I love and always dreamed of. I’ve got a new girl that I get along with. Maybe something will happen long term there, but it’s too early to tell. I’m hoping though.”
She tilted her head waiting to see if he’d ask if she was happy in life and realized he wasn’t going to. That he just wanted someone to brag to. That deep down he’d never really cared about other people as much as he did himself.
That he was always after his own gratification.
She wished she’d seen it before rather than having Owen point it out to her.
“Aren’t you going to ask me the same question?” she finally asked him.
“I know you’re happy. You’re always happy. If you aren’t, then it’s your fault. You’re the one that wanted the divorce. You’re the one that wasn’t happy with the way our relationship was going.”
She opened her mouth and closed it, shocked he’d said that. “What? I didn’t ask for a divorce.”
“Yes, you did,” he argued. “You said you weren’t happy and wanted out. I wanted you to be happy.”
She snorted. “I wasn’t happy because you were never there for me. You put yourself first, second, and third. I was so far down on the list that you didn’t even know you were losing me. And when I pointed it out, you told me I was crazy.”
“Where is this all coming from?” he said. “You’ve never said a word about it before.”
“Because when I told you I wasn’t happy you didn’t try to fight for me. You didn’t even try to make our marriage work. You said it was practical for us to get out of debt before I could go back to school, and that I’d need to wait.”
“What was so wrong with that?” he asked.
“Because you got what you wanted and I got nothing. Let go of my arm,” she said, shaking it loose.
He looked shocked over her raised voice and aggression. Maybe she was at fault for always putting on a good front, but if he loved her enough, he would have seen it.
“Are you jealous over Angie? You met her and liked her. I got the feeling that you weren’t thrilled when I was talking about her at your parents’ house though.”
“You’re so clueless. That’s my parents’ house. I feel like a failure because of how our marriage ended, but now I realize it was you that failed. I did everything for you and I let you get your way. When it was my turn, you made me wait. When I finally voiced my concerns and displeasure over things, you made your choice and it wasn’t me.”
“I repeat, you said you weren’t happy and wanted a divorce.”
“You’re never going to understand. I wanted a divorce because I was sick of never being put first. The thing is, if I’m guilty of anything now, it’s that I’m still letting myself be put in any position other than first place. I think it’s time we just both go on our own way now.”
“What does that mean?” he asked, looking hurt.
Part of her wanted to relent, but remembered Owen’s words and said, “In order for me to move forward in my life, I’ve got to be the selfish one for once. Our relationship is toxic to me. It’s holding me back and reminding me of all the decisions I regret.”
“You regret marrying me?” he asked. There were almost tears in his eyes, but she was going to stand strong. She’d shed plenty of tears over him and this was the first she’d seen a drop of moisture out of him.
“I loved you, Darren. We had a young love and we moved too fast into marriage. You pushed it and I loved you enough to do it. I shouldn’t have. If we both went to college and got our degrees, things might have been different, but we didn’t. I sacrificed everything for you, knowing my time would come. When it was my turn, you weren’t ready to sacrifice for me.”
“I’m sorry, Jill. I never knew you felt that way.”
She wiped at her own eyes. “You knew. I told you enough. I brought it up before. You didn’t care and you know it. You got what you wanted. I need to get what I want. Have a good life, Darren. I wish you the best, but please don’t contact me or my family anymore.”
She turned and walked toward the register, cashed out and then went to her car and wiped the rest of her tears away.
Today was the start and the end of two relationships in her life and she hoped to hell she made the right decision with them both.