A week later, toward the end of the day, Jill came marching into his office. It was the first time she’d ever done that. She even looked like she was going to smack him, or shout. Normally he wanted the door open so that no one suspected anything, but she all but slammed it.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she demanded.
“Tell you what?” he asked, having no idea what had come over her.
“That Gary was retiring and you were being promoted to his position.”
“How did you find out?”
No official announcement had been made yet. He’d thought it would have been last week but it wasn’t.
“Because Tiffany works in the office and she just saw paperwork that maybe she shouldn’t have seen. She is telling people.”
“She shouldn’t be telling anyone anything that she had no business even seeing.”
“Really?! That’s all you’ve got to say? How about the fact that you’ve known all along and never said a word to me? Is that why you didn’t want anyone to know about our relationship? Did you think it was going to hurt your chances for advancement? That now you were going to be my boss?”
Her shoulders were tense, her fists were clenched, and there were tears just brimming at the surface. “It’s not like that.”
“Then what’s it like because it sure the hell looks it to me. That it’d be an embarrassment that you were dating me. That you were dating anyone, but me especially. Someone so far under you. That you didn’t want it to reflect poorly on you and hurt any chances of moving ahead in your career. That if they knew you were dating someone you’d be supervising that they’d say they couldn’t promote you.”
“Now just a goddamn minute. Don’t come marching in here accusing me of anything that you don’t know a thing about.” He didn’t need her putting thoughts in his head or words in his mouth. She was jumping the gun. “You’re making a lot of unnecessary assumptions right now.”
“So whether we had a relationship or not wouldn’t have affected your chances at this job?”
“I have no idea one way or another,” he said stiffly.
He didn’t care that Gary warned him about it over a month ago. Gary ran his mouth a lot and not many listened. He’d always made his own decisions in life based on what was the best for each situation.
“But you didn’t want to risk it?” she said.
He could lie but he wasn’t going to. “No.”
“You’re no different than Darren.”
“Don’t compare me to your loser ex that took advantage of you and used you. That made promises he didn’t keep and left you alone when it was time for you to tackle your dreams. I’m nothing like him.”
It might have been the worst thing she could have said to him. Comparing him to her ex. How dare she?
“You don’t get it. It has nothing to do with him using me so he could get ahead in life. It has to do with me being hurt. Of me putting everything I have into our relationship and finding out it was one-sided.”
Tears were rolling down her cheeks now. “How can you say that when I brought you to my house? When I brought you into my son’s life. I had you meet my parents. How dare you say I’m embarrassed of you or that you were the only one putting yourself out there.”
She took a deep breath in and didn’t say anything. He could see she was thinking about what he’d said.
“It doesn’t matter. I listened to everything you said about Darren and do you know last week when we had our lunch and left separately again, I ran into him in the store?”
“No. Why didn’t you tell me?” Why would she keep that a secret?
“Why do I need to tell you? I’ve got nothing going on with him. Even less now. I heard everything you said. I listened and absorbed it and realized you were right. And that there was a part of me that would struggle to move forward if I always held onto that crutch of him in my life.”
“What are you talking about?”
His mind was spinning. She’d started accusing him of things and now she was talking about lunch last week.
“I’m saying that I told him I couldn’t have him in my life anymore. That I was tired of putting on this happy front for everyone. Tired of giving in all the time and being walked all over. I told him exactly how I felt and he didn’t believe me. He insisted the divorce was my choice.”
“Was it?”
They’d never talked all that much about it. It wasn’t his business and he just figured whether it was her that decided to do it or not, she was justified based on what he knew.
“Yes and no. I told him what I was missing, what I needed, and he didn’t care. He made his choice and it wasn’t me. It took a lot for me to stand my ground and walk away from a marriage that I felt was one-sided.”
Oh no... that word again. Now he knew where she was going with this. “It’s not the same thing at all.”
“It is,” she said. “It is because it’s how I feel. He didn’t believe in me and neither do you. It’s like my feelings don’t matter to anyone. After I told him everything the other day, and how I felt, he was upset and then mad at me—like how dare I have a say in this, how dare I be upset years later. He tried calling me all that night, begging me to not cut him off. He doesn’t care about my feelings. He’s still trying to reach me. It hurts but I’m staying strong. And here it is a week later and it’s happening again. My feelings are just being dismissed like I’m too stupid for anyone to care about me.”
He stood up and walked toward her and pulled her into his arms, holding her tight, not caring that anyone could see them if they walked by and looked in the window on his door.
“I care about your feelings. You’re looking at this all wrong.”
She shoved out of his arms. Maybe he shouldn’t have told her she was wrong again.
“I’m not. No one ever wants to sacrifice anything for me. I get it. We’ve only dated a few months. I just met your family. I’m probably overreacting on top of it, but I can’t help the way it makes me feel. That I’m never good enough for someone.”
“You’re right that we’ve only dated a few months. And I do think you’re overreacting. I have to think about my son first, I told you that on day one.” He ran his hands through his hair. “That doesn’t mean I don’t think about you or us. But at this point in my life, at this point in our relationship, it has to be about Luke.”
“I know that. I knew that!”
“Then I don’t know what is going on,” he said. He was losing his mind. It seemed no matter what he said it was the wrong thing.
“I thought something special was happening between us, but I’ve kept it in. I haven’t wanted to tell you and put any kind of pressure on you.”
“There is something special happening,” he insisted, but whether she said it before or not, it was still pressure, only she wasn’t seeing that.
“Not special enough,” she said. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come in here like this and taken my shock out on you. I shouldn’t be mad either. I should be happy for you but I’m just sad. I put everything I had into my marriage with Darren and when it ended I felt like the biggest failure on the planet. I told myself I’d never do it again. The problem is, I started to with you.”
“I’m sorry, Jill.” He was losing her, he knew.
“Don’t be sorry. You were honest all along and I let myself do what I said I wouldn’t. It’s all on me again. Not you.”
She turned and walked out of his office and as much as he wanted to go after her, he knew it was better to let her be for now. Only all that happiness he’d been feeling was sinking to the ground like a deflated balloon.
***
That night she sat on her couch staring at her phone. She’d left Owen’s office and gone to the bathroom to clean up her face as best she could, finished up working and left for the day, avoiding Owen before the day ended.
He’d let her leave his office without going after her. Then she realized he wouldn’t, not where anyone could see them, but she expected him to at least try to contact her at some point during the day. To see how she was doing, to talk to her. Anything.
But there was nothing.
When Luke’s bedtime came and went, she started to realize Owen wasn’t going to reach out to her at all. That she’d done it again. She said what she was feeling, she’d given him a choice and he wasn’t choosing her.
At ten, her phone went off and she reached for it fast, only to see another text from Darren. She did the only thing she could... she threw her phone against the wall and cried herself to sleep.