I tossed my gear into my locker, snagging a towel and heading into the showers. We had a long afternoon dealing with the fire out at a timber lot. Settling into my role as superintendent with this crew, I was feeling good about it so far. With Chad gone, the rest of the crew was rock solid.

The only issue at the moment was dealing with Susannah‘s absence. As she’d indicated, she turned in her doctor’s recommendation and was taking a planned leave from field duty. Like most stations, Willow Brook Fire & Rescue had light duty options available for crewmembers. She would be handling on site tasks. Conveniently, she could also do work for the police station here, which would keep her from twiddling her thumbs too much.

Rex had arched a brow when he and I spoke about it. He knew something was up, yet he had enough sense to lay low and wait for me to fill him in. Problem was, plenty of the crew had questions about Susannah’s status. For now, she seemed to prefer to keep details vague. Yet, Harlow knew she was pregnant, and it wouldn’t be too long before that became obvious. At some point she’d have to face it head on. I knew that meant we needed to talk.

Leaning my palms against the cool tile wall, I let the steaming hot water pound down over me. The timber lot this afternoon had been a challenge, but we’d gotten the fire contained. Cade’s crew picked up to finish up the job this afternoon. Willow Brook‘s unique location was a great set up for me to get to know the crew. Often, hotshot crews did nothing but backcountry work. Willow Brook‘s service to the surrounding areas gave me the opportunity to get to know the crew without being isolated in the middle of nowhere during the process.

Every time my mind shied away from thoughts about Susannah, what she meant to me, and the glaring fact that I was soon to be a father, she was like a boomerang in my brain. As soon as I tried to think about something else, my thoughts swung right back to her and our baby. Snagging the soap, I soaped up and rinsed off and then stood there under the hot water, wishing I could get through to her. Although I might be shaken by it, I didn’t doubt how much she meant to me. Yet, I could feel the walls around her.

I felt great when I was with Susannah. Hell, the sex… Out. Of. This. World. I loved falling asleep beside her and waking up beside her. As long as we were tangled up, bare naked, with me buried deep inside of her, I didn’t sense those walls she kept up.

The moment that wasn’t happening, I could practically see the wheels start turning in her brain and the reinforcements go up around her. With a sigh, I turned off the water and walked past the rest of the guys washing away today’s fire. I wasn’t much for chatting, although that wasn’t particularly unusual. Yet, I needed advice. I couldn’t even believe I was thinking that thought. After I was dressed, I snagged a cup of coffee and strolled down the back hallway, relieved to discover Beck was in his office.

Knocking the back of my knuckles against his open door, I waited until he glanced up. “Got a minute?” I asked.

Beck leaned back in his chair where he sat at a small round table in his office. “Of course,” he said, waving me in.

Stepping into his office, I nudged the door shut with a heel of my boot. He straightened from where he sat. “Uh oh, is this serious?”

Because it was Beck and he was incapable of resisting the urge to tease, he wagged his eyebrows at me. I shrugged and stepped past his desk. I had no idea why he even bothered with a desk. I’d never seen him sit at it. In fact, it was empty with the exception of a phone. He kept his laptop on the small table where I slipped into a chair across from him.

“I’d offer coffee, but I see you already got some. What’s up?” he asked.

On the heels of a deep breath and fortifying sip of coffee, I leaned back in my chair. “Got a question for you.”

“Throw it at me.”

“So remember how I mentioned Susannah was pregnant?”

“Kinda hard to forget that news bomb,” Beck replied with a low chuckle. “I see she put in for light duty. Already hearing questions about what’s up with that around the station. I’m sure you are too.”

I nodded. “Of course. It’ll be up to her to sort out what she wants to say to who and when. Anyway, I could use a little advice. For what it’s worth, I can’t fucking believe I’m asking for advice. Not really my thing.”

Beck flashed his ever-ready grin. “You know me. I love to give advice. Not saying it’s worth much though.”

“Well, I figure you’re my best bet. You’re the only guy around I know who’s had a baby recently.”

Beck’s grin shifted from teasing to flat out proud. “Damn straight. Max is great. Having a baby is the best thing we ever did. Also terrifying, seriously terrifying,” he said earnestly.

I couldn’t help but chuckle. “You don’t say?”

His gaze sobered. Closing his laptop, he leaned his elbows on the table, giving me his full attention. “Not sure what you need, but feel free to ask.”

Running a hand through my damp hair, I eyed him. “Hell, I don’t even know what I need to ask. I guess I need some advice on how to deal with this whole thing. Susannah…” I paused because I didn’t quite know how to explain the problem. Whatever, I’d dive straight into it. “If I’m trying to sum it up, it’s that I know this is serious for me and Susannah and that has nothing to do with having a baby. But she keeps her distance unless, well, unless we’re having sex. I don’t know how… Fuck. Basically, I don’t know what the hell to do to get her to realize this matters for us.”

Beck was quiet, his gaze thoughtful. “Here’s the thing, my situation’s a little different from yours. I mean, Maisie and I are married. I suppose, a lot of this depends on what the deal is with you and Susannah. Not that I think you guys need to get married. That’s a piece of paper. It’s more, well, are you a sperm donor? Or a father? Are you serious about her?”

Beck’s three questions had been a near mirror of the questions spinning in circles in my mind the last few weeks. Meeting his steady gaze, I took a gulp of coffee and sighed. “Well, I’m definitely not a sperm donor. I didn’t plan this, but I’ll be a father. I can’t imagine having a baby and not being a part of their life. Susannah, well, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I love her. Problem is, every time anything even gets close to serious, she manages to change the subject. It’s a damn miracle she asked me to come to the doctor’s appointments, and I could tell by the look on her face she wasn’t so sure about that either.”

“Well, if you love her, tell her.”

“Ah, so I’ll just tell her that, and it’ll all be peaches,” I said wryly.

Beck flashed his grin again. “You’d better say something. Soon. Even though I’d do anything for Maisie and she damn well knows it, she was moody as hell during her pregnancy. Still is. Max is almost five months old now, and she said the other day she’s finally starting to feel halfway normal now. Not a hormonal mess. Her words not mine.”

Beck eyed me for a long moment. “Look man, I don’t know what Susannah wants either. Having a baby is about as serious as it gets. I had to boss Maisie into taking me seriously. I’m sure you’ll survive,” he offered with a low laugh.

I stared at him and felt myself nodding, but I could hardly think over the rushing sound in my head. It was as if I was caught in a riptide with no choice but to swim through it and hope for the best. I managed to respond to him with some semblance of normal conversation, but I was knocked sideways inside and out.

Leaving Beck’s office not much later, I felt even more unsettled than I had before. Because the thing was, I was balancing on a knife’s edge with Susannah. My instinct was to demand she face the reality—she belonged to me. Yet, she was so damn independent. I knew in my bones if I got too demanding, she’d push me away. My reaction to that was visceral—my heart clenched and emotion clogged my throat like a vise, nearly choking me.

Possessiveness wasn’t something I had experienced before. But with Susannah, the idea of keeping my distance and the reality that might open the door for someone else in her life—ever?

I had one response to that. Hell. No.