CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Remy
I’m seeing things for the first time through new eyes. Instead of being jaded by the experiences I had as a kid, I’m opening my heart to new feelings. As we walk through Target, I let Tatum’s enthusiasm rub off onto me. “What about this one, Rem?” She holds up a plate, showing it to me. It’s white in the middle with a ring of gray around the outside. “Not too girly, but not totally masculine either.”
“Whatever you want, Tate. It’s never mattered to me. You know that. If it were up to me we’d just grab a ton of disposable stuff, but I know you don’t like them.”
She eyes the plate, turning it around on her palms, and gifts me with the most gorgeous smile I’ve ever seen. “This is it. I know you value your privacy, and I won’t intrude on what you’ve built for yourself. All I want to do is be a part of it.”
I appreciate the way she’s thinking about us having a future. “So what else do we need?” I grab the plate she’s holding, putting it in our cart.
“Stuff to cook with, and then we need to stop by a grocery store to get food since this town doesn’t know what a Super Target is.” She pulls a face. “One day we might get one.”
Making it down the aisle with the pots and pans, we discuss which ones we need and end up putting four in the cart. This is fun, way more fun than I ever assumed it would be. Living life with her is going to be my greatest adventure and my most treasured memories – no matter what happens in the future.
Two hours later, we have a truck cab full of bags and we’re heading out to my house. “Rem, why didn’t you at least let me pay for some of the food, I’ll be eating it too,” she argues from where she sits beside me.
“I didn’t invite you out here for you to pay for anything, Tate. And it means something for me to pay for something for you. So many times in my childhood, I had no money for myself, much less for anyone else. I like buying things for other people – it’s kinda my thing.”
She looks like she wants to say more, but doesn’t. Reaching over the console, she grabs my hand, entwining our fingers together. “Well thanks for letting me be the person you decide to spend that hard-earned money on. I appreciate it.” She leans over, kissing my cheek.
Shivering, she folds herself into the hoodie she’s wearing, mine, if I’m not mistaken, and holds her hands up to the heater. “I can crank it up higher for you,” I offer, even though I’m sweltering.
“A little if you wouldn’t mind.” She flashes a grin my way.
It still stops my heart when she grins at me, because I’ve lived without it for so long. “Anything for you.”
Her long hair falls in front of her face, causing her to push it back with fingers that are barely sticking out of the sleeves of the hoodie. “I talked to my dad today.” Her voice is quiet in the stillness of the truck.
Driving out 185, I set it on cruise control and turn my gaze to her after hearing what she said. “What’d you talk to him about?”
“You.” She pulls her legs up underneath her. “I wanted him to know that I’m serious about you, and whatever friction we had in the past was ninety-nine percent my fault. I don’t want him to ever question you.”
“While I appreciate it, Tate, you didn’t have to do it. We’ve made peace with each other. If anyone else has a problem with it? Fuck ’em.” It took me a long time to learn that’s what I needed to do with anything in life. If I was okay with it but someone else wasn’t, it was their fault, not mine.
She giggles. “Fuck ’em?”
Hearing those words out of her mouth sends a ribbon of desire down my stomach into my groin. It’s not supposed to, but damn it does. “Right. Anyone who has a problem with what we agree we’re okay with. We don’t need that negativity in our lives – fuck ’em.”
Her head nods, as she reaches back over and grabs my hand again. For the rest of the ride to the house, neither one of us say anything, but it’s the best silence I’ve ever had in my life.
*
“That was a lot of stuff.” Tate huffs as she plops down on the couch. “I didn’t think we were ever going to get done bringing it inside and putting it up.”
“It was fun though, with you. Anything with you is much more fun than when I’m by myself.” I take off my jacket, kick off my boots, and have a seat next to her.
Immediately, she curls into me, resting her head against my shoulder, and twining our arms together. “So what do you do out here for fun when it’s just you?”
“Usually stream Netflix to my laptop, but I brought that small TV out here the other night.” I point to a twenty-five-inch TV sitting on a side table I moved. “I figured you’d want to watch it on a little bit of a bigger screen.”
“Life of the party.” She pinches my stomach.
“It’s nice to come out here and just disconnect from everything. Sometimes I need to,” I admit to her. “I love the guys in the club and I would do anything for any of them, but there’s some days we’re so far up each other’s asses it’s ridiculous. I need some time on my own and to be able to hear myself think.”
She giggles as I get up to start a fire and get the heat going. “I know what you mean. I’ll share a secret with you. The reason I convinced Addie to move in with me, away from her parents? So I could get away from the clubhouse. Every time I’d do anything and anyone saw, they’d be running to tell Dad, or Drew, or Mandy, or Mom – and it was suffocating. I love my family, and I love that everyone in the club looks after me, but I have to be able to make my own mistakes, ya know?”
“It’s a part of growing up, Tate, and the problem is most of the guys can’t see you as growing up. They can’t stand it that the girl they’ve known from a baby is turning into a woman, and there’s nothing they can do to stop it. For every member that doesn’t have kids – it’s like you, Addie, and Caelin are the kids for everyone.”
“Right.” She agrees, standing up to take the hoodie off, leaving her in a t-shirt and her jeans. “Nobody wants us to make mistakes and experience shit. Like if people knew what had gone on with us last year, they would have been all up in our business and they would have chosen sides. Neither one of us wanted that, but they probably would have said it was your fault, just because you aren’t me.”
She’s being honest, and I hate to admit it, but most of the members stick her and Addie on a pedestal that it’s almost unfair to be on.
“In actuality, I’m just trying to find myself. I’m sorry you got hurt in the process,” she says softly before grabbing her bag and taking out a pair of sweatpants. “I hope you don’t mind, but once I’m home, bra comes off and sweatpants go on.”
“I want you to be comfortable here, so whatever you want to do, do. I disagree with you trying to find yourself.” I reach into my bag and grab my own pair of sweatpants out. “I think you know yourself pretty well.”
There’s no embarrassment as she undresses in front of me, and I like it. I love that she’s comfortable enough to let us behave in this way. If she doesn’t think she knows herself, she’s so mistaken. This girl knows herself inside and out – she’s just scared.
“No, you’re right,” she says, putting her hair up into a fancy knot on the top of her head. “I do know who I am. But who I am is so interconnected with Heaven Hill and my parents and siblings that it’s hard for people to get to know the real me, and I hide behind that.”
She’s pulling two pans out of the cupboard we stored everything in. “Tate.” I stop her. “I don’t ever want you to hide the real you. I want every part of you, whether it’s all sunshine and rainbows or not. Loving you means loving the whole, not just the easy parts.”
She stops what she’s doing, turning to face me. Her eyes are wide, her mouth hanging open, and she licks her bottom lip. “How can you love me?”
“Better question is how can I not? I don’t want to talk about the past year anymore, Tate. We’re done with it. We’re at zero, remember?”
She opens her mouth, and I have a feeling she’s about to protest or say something that’s going to push us back. Leaning in, I capture her lips with mine, wiping away whatever her words were going to be with the sweep of my tongue. “You don’t have to tell me you love me back. You’re young and I get that, but I understand now more than I ever have that you know your mind. So whenever you want to let me know how you feel, I’m listening.”
Leaning in, she returns the kiss, but doesn’t return the words – and I’m okay with that. I meant what I said. I want her to know her heart, but I know mine and I’m perfectly comfortable with what we have. “So what are you cooking?”
She gives me a gorgeous smile. “I don’t know what you specialize in, Remy, but I specialize in grilled cheeses and tomato soup. Since it’s so cold tonight, I figured we could curl up on the couch, watch some Netflix, and eat some comfort food.”
There’s uncertainty in her voice, like she’s scared I’m going to shut her down. I would never in a million years shut this girl down. “Sounds like one of the best nights of my life.”
*
“Why in the fuck do they always give up trying to get out of the house before they try the damn doorknob?” Tatum yells at the TV as we watch some crime TV show that she loves. “That would be the first thing I do. They barely turn it and go, shit it’s locked. UNLOCK IT!” she yells.
I’m laughing so hard I can’t get my breath as I listen to her go off on the woman being chased by a serial killer.
“Am I just smarter than these bitches because of how I’ve been raised?” she questions as she sits up straight from where she’s been leaning against me. “I mean I hope if I’m ever in this situation I don’t run like an idiot.”
“Trust me, Tate, I think after the way you’ve been raised, you’re anything but an idiot.”
“Thank God for that, Remy. Thank God for that.” She gives me a look.
“I meant that as a total compliment.” I pull her over into my lap, resting our foreheads together.
“Seriously though, I mean I know I had an unusual childhood, but who doesn’t even try the doorknob?” She shakes her head.
I laugh as I give her a kiss. There’s no one else in my life like her, and I know damn well there never will be again.