CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Tatum
As the couple, who I now know as Remy’s parents, get into a late model truck and drive off, muffler roaring so loudly I’m damn sure the thing is going to come off, I lock the door. For some reason, I commit their license plate to memory, repeating it over and over softly to myself until I can close my eyes and see it. Only then do I turn back to the person who’s become such an important part of my life. He doesn’t look at all like the person I left yesterday evening. Gone is the soft way he’d gazed at me, the light tilt of his lips when he looked at me, and the absolute adoration written across his face.
Looking at him right now, it doesn’t even appear that he knows who I am. I’m frightened by what happened, but in the end, I’m not even sure what went down here. I have no idea what I stepped into and stumbled upon.
“Remy?” I whisper, afraid to speak too loudly.
I don’t want to scare him; his eyes are wild, chest is pumping, body is shaking. If I had to describe him, he’d be a feral animal. Never in the years we’ve known each other have I seen him like this. He gets up, starting to pace, fear in his eyes.
“Where’s my inhaler?” He reaches into his pockets, patting them, looking for something he hasn’t carried in years. “Can’t breathe, Tatum, can’t fucking breathe.” He inhales deeply, choking on the air he’s taking into his lungs. His eyes are wide, his hands go up to his throat, as he pulls the neck of the shirt he wears away from his body. I watch as he shrugs the shirt off, looking like he would take his skin with it if he could. He’s wheezing, working himself up into the worst panic I’ve ever seen.
“Remington,” I say sharply, walking over to him, palming his cheeks with my hands. “You don’t have asthma anymore, remember? You haven’t had asthma in a long time. You outgrew it. You’re fine.” I try to convince him he’s not having an attack as he continues to try and take a deep breath in.
“Can’t breathe, Tatum, I can’t breathe.”
I tilt his head so that our eyes meet one another, forcing him to see me. “Look at me, Rem. Breathe along with me, in and out, inhale and exhale, just relax your entire body. You’ll be fine, Rem, you’ll be fine.”
Eventually the wildness leaves his eyes and he starts breathing in a routine that is more toward normal. “Come back to me, Remy, come back to me.”
It’s almost as if he comes out of a trance when his eyes flash in recognition. He gets up, walking around the room, putting his hands at his hips, taking calming breaths.
“Are you okay?” I ask, my voice hoarse as I watch him try to handle what just happened to him.
“Sorry I freaked the fuck out.” He turns to me, picking his shirt up from the ground and shrugging it back on. “It’s been a long time since I had that happen.” He walks farther away from me, running his hands through his hair. “What did I say to you? I can never remember when they’re that bad. It’s like I go into this dark place where I’m just freaked the fuck out, and I don’t come back until I feel like it’s safe again.”
My feet are anchored to the floor, because I don’t know how he’ll take me touching him right now. He seemed okay with it earlier, but now I worry that he’s embarrassed or upset. “You kept asking for your inhaler, saying you couldn’t breathe.”
His eyes meet mine, he licks his lips, and ducks his head. His face is red, and he looks embarrassed as he holds his head in his hands. “My old standby.”
“What do you mean?” I’m confused about what he’s saying. I know he had a horrible time breathing when he was little, but I haven’t known him to have the problem since he got older.
He puts his hands on top of his head, turning around so he doesn’t have to face me. Talking to the empty garage, his voice is so quiet I have to strain to hear it. “My asthma attacks. It wasn’t until I was older and someone in Heaven Hill suggested I go talk with Doc Jones that I figured out I was having panic attacks.”
“What?” This information shocks me. As far as I know, as anyone knows, he outgrew his asthma. I can’t believe he’s kept this secret to himself for so long. Then again, I’ve just witnessed how embarrassed he was by someone seeing him have such a reaction, which I’m sure happened many times before he found out he could control it.
“Your dad, actually, saw me have an attack one time and thought it was anxiety. I swore up and down to him that it was asthma. He told me next time I had one, to try and relax, to do some breathing exercises, and see if I could come out of it.”
“My dad’s a smart guy.” I smile softly, the love I have for him growing. He’s so in tune with the men in his care, and he’s so focused on getting them the help they need. I’m proud of him, and I’ll tell him next time I see him. He’s the best kind of man, and I’m lucky to have him on my side.
Remy eventually comes over to where I am and has a seat in the chair he’d been sitting in earlier. I walk over to join him, not wanting to be too far away from him in case something happens again. If there’s anything I don’t want, it’s for him to think he’s alone in this crazy situation.
“He is! One of the smartest people I’ve ever met in my life. The first time I tried it, it didn’t work all the way, but the second time, I calmed down enough to be able to breathe. That’s when I thought maybe he was on to something.”
Remy pulls me into his lap, and I slip my arms around his neck, cuddling in close. Even though he scared me earlier, I’m happy to hear him speaking with a less shaky voice, and his body doesn’t seem to be vibrating with tension any longer. “At least you got sent to Doc Jones for a reason. I got sent there once for my smart mouth.”
“Yeah, he encouraged me to go see her. I haven’t been in a while though, haven’t had to go,” he whispers, his breath moving the hair that hangs in my face.
“And nobody knows about any of this?” I mindlessly play with a string hanging from his shirt, wrapping it around my finger and letting it go to curl, and then dropping against the material covering his body.
“Not even Cash, and I don’t want him to know about it now. I don’t want him to know the things I used to think about.”
“What did you used to think about?” My question is soft. I’m not Cash, and I want to know everything about the man I love. All the things he’s kept to himself, all the secrets he’s never allowed anyone to know. I want to know them.
He ducks his head, kissing me on the side of the neck. I shiver at the familiarity of the gesture, and send up a silent prayer that whatever this was here tonight doesn’t fuck up what we’ve worked so hard to build. “I don’t wanna do this here, Tate, don’t want them to come back and see us together.”
The anxiety is apparent in his voice, and I want to calm him as much as possible. The new me wants to be the solution, not the problem. Old Tatum would have demanded he be honest with her right here, right now. She was immature and didn’t realize that some people had times in their lives they weren’t able to get beyond. This Tatum, looking at the man I love, realizes not everyone had the same kind of life she had growing up and is able to empathize. I like this new Tatum, and I’m proud of the words that come out of her mouth. “Then let’s go to my apartment. We can be alone, Addie’s got plans tonight.” I stand up holding my hand out to him, beckoning him with the flick of my wrist and the heat in my eyes. I don’t want to be alone tonight, and I sure as hell don’t want him to be alone tonight. “Come home with me?”
He grabs my hand, letting me pull him up, crowding against me. “You sure you wanna deal with me, Tate? I’m not easy to mess with when things like this happen. I can sometimes be a dick, and I excel at pushing people away.”
“There’s no other place I want to be. You need me, Remy, and I’m here for you. This is what people who love each other do. Please come with me, I want you with me, need your arms around me, and need to be in yours.”
It looks like he has an argument with himself, and I worry for a few seconds he’s going to decline. I shoot up a quick prayer. He doesn’t need to be alone, and I hope he realizes that. I can see when he makes the decision, and I breathe a sigh of relief as he gives me his terms. “I’ll follow you. Don’t let anyone in between us on the road.”
I’ve never seen him be this worried before and I never want to see it again. After what we’ve been through I’ll do whatever he needs me to in order to make him feel safe and secure. “I won’t. Let’s get out of here.”
He holds my hand tightly as we walk out into the cold night, escorting me to my car the way a gentleman would. Even with him being upset, he’s still taking care of me, showing that when he should be worried about himself, he’s worried about me. But when he kisses me before he shuts my door with a soft click, I can’t help but be worried about him too.
In the past few weeks we’ve gone from being two individual people to a couple who can take on the world as long as we’re together. The problem is going to be convincing him I can handle whatever these people are bringing to our front door. As Cash said, I’m the baddest bitch, and anyone who fucks with me, fucks with Heaven Hill. I’ve never in my life used who I am within the club for help, but for Remy I will.
They’ll be sorry that they stopped into Cash’s Customs tonight. My family and his will take care of us. They’ll do it with a smile on their face and revenge in their hearts.
If anyone should be scared, it’s that couple, because I’ll make sure hell will rain down on them. Taking care of Remington Sawyer is my number one goal.