Chapter 48

After the committee had left, the two of them stood there, Sebastian looking at Naomi, and Naomi looking anywhere but at him. He wasn’t sure what to say to fix things between them, even though he doubted they could ever go back to the way they’d been. Still, he knew he needed to do something. He’d fucked up, but there had to be a way to make her understand. Understand that fear had driven him to react the way he had. Because when she had said she was looking to adopt a child, Sebastian’s brain had short-circuited. He’d remembered his child. And how magnificent being a father had been, and how devastating it had been when he’d lost that privilege.

He’d begun to see a future with Naomi. He’d begun to accept the fact that there could be another woman for him besides Celeste. But then Naomi had talked about adoption, and where the hell did Sebastian fit in that equation? Yes, he could be ready to share his life with another woman, but he sure as hell hadn’t been ready to even consider sharing it with another child. And if she and Sebastian stayed together, wouldn’t that have been required of him? It was too much. It was still too much. But he hadn’t needed to lash out. He should’ve done what he wanted to do now: talk about it. Figure it out together, the way mature people did. But Sebastian had no idea how to convey any of this to her without sounding selfish. Because no matter how he put it, he was making her decisions all about him. Jesus, his life was a fucking mess.

“You said I just had to listen. I thought that implied you were actually going to speak,” Naomi groused as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“I’m trying to figure out where to start.”

“Near the end.”

He wished he could laugh at her surliness. Wished they were in a place where the snarky banter was comfortable instead of a signal of Doomsday. “Okay,” he said. “You want to know how I want this to end?”

She sighed and focused her eyes on him.

“I don’t.” And the words were true, even though he wasn’t sure how they’d actually avoid it. But maybe they could find some common ground. Maybe he didn’t have to lose her completely.

She dropped her hands to her sides and looked ready to say something that was likely to rip a hole in his heart, so he cut her off.

“The things I said…I regret every one of them. I was scared, and it made me act like a prick. I’m sorry.”

“You weren’t acting like a prick. You are a prick,” she retorted.

Sebastian rocked on his heels. “Okay, fine, if you want to argue semantics.”

“I don’t want to argue at all. I’m just stating a fact. You’re a prick, and I’m tired of getting cut by your thorny personality.”

Sebastian felt as though his heart had dropped out of his chest. He couldn’t even disagree with her. How the hell was he supposed to convince her that he would do everything in his power not to hurt her ever again when that was all he’d ever done? “I’m so bad at this,” he murmured as he scrubbed a hand over his face.

That actually got a small smile out of her before she schooled her features again. “We’re both bad at a lot of things. Being nice to one another is one of them. And I don’t want to actually hate you, Sebastian. But I’m getting close. Maybe we can get back to a place where we can work together, but I don’t need you falling on your sword for me to try to make things right. Your pity won’t fix anything. Remember?” she said. “None of it can be fixed.”

“I don’t pity you.” Was that seriously what she thought? It was ludicrous to him. She was the strongest person he knew. Sure, he wanted her to have the things that would make her happy, but not because he didn’t think she could get those things on her own. This was simply the easiest path toward the goal. It made good sense to take advantage of it.

“Oh come on, Sebastian,” she practically yelled. “You just tried to hand me an award so that I could move forward with the adoption. Like I was Oliver Twist in need of a handout.”

“I feel like that’s an inaccurate comparison.” Her glare told him that was the wrong thing to say. “I’m not trying to hand you anything. I meant what I said: you deserve that award more than I do. I’m just trying to make sure the right thing is done.”

“It’s not for you to decide. It was on them,” she said, gesturing toward the door with her hand.

Sebastian groaned. “Why can’t you see that I’m trying to do a good thing here? I just want you to be happy.”

“I was happy, you asshole. And then you freaked out and threw me out of your life!” she shouted.

“What does that even matter when you were eventually going to throw me out of yours anyway?” he yelled back. And this, he realized, was the root cause of his reaction to the mug. Because she wanted something he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to give. And it cut him to know that.

She took a step back as if he’d slapped her. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Why didn’t you ever mention your plans to adopt?”

“Because we were just getting to know one another, and it seemed too heavy a topic to deal with so early in our relationship.”

“But those have always been your plans. You were building a relationship with me without keeping me informed of what your future held. How the hell is that fair to me?”

“You said we were seeing where it went, taking it one step at a time. Why would I bring it up when I was seeing if what we had was even viable?”

Sebastian stood tall and thrust his hands into his pockets. “Ask me,” he demanded.

“Ask you what?”

“Ask me if I want kids.”

Her eyes widened and she crossed her arms over her chest.

“Ask me,” he repeated.

She looked down at the floor for a second before fixing her gaze back on him, her eyes looking strong. “Do you want kids?”

“No,” he replied. A tiny voice in his brain called him a liar. Told him he could get used to the idea. But for today, for this moment, the answer would be no. Could he get there one day? Maybe. But how could they move forward when he was only a maybe and she was a definite?

“I don’t want more kids, Naomi.”

She looked truly baffled. “I never said you did.”

“Right. You never asked, either. You had all these plans for adopting that you never shared with me. So when the time came for you to start putting things in motion, where would that have left me? We would’ve built something I’d come to depend on, and then you would’ve walked away because you wanted something more. And I don’t blame you for not choosing me over being a mother. But I sure as hell would’ve blamed you for bringing me on a ride I didn’t even know I was on.”

“Is that really what you think I was doing?”

“Not intentionally, no. But the end result would’ve been the same.”

“I don’t…I don’t even know what to say to any of this.”

Sebastian sighed. “I’m sorry. This isn’t how I saw this conversation going at all. I…I love you, like I said. I want to work this out. But I want you to be happy more. And…I’m not sure it can be with me, even though I want it to be more than anything.”

“So then, this is where it ends. Right?” she asked, and he didn’t miss the look in her eyes. The way they almost challenged him to be a better man than he was. It pained him that he wasn’t.

“I guess it is.”

They stood there and stared at one another for a moment, before she gave a small nod, turned on her heel, and left the room.

Sebastian remained there, staring after her long after she’d left. Finally, he pulled himself together and walked out of the room, out of the building, off the campus, and to his truck, then drove home in a haze of sadness. As he let himself into his house, he kicked off his shoes, dropped his coat, and plopped himself down on the couch, dropping his head into his hands.

He’d done the right thing. He’d been honest about how he felt, and he’d tried to give her the future she deserved. So why the hell did he feel so awful? She’d called him a martyr, but shouldn’t martyrs feel better than this? Shouldn’t he feel vindicated by standing up for a cause? Because if this was how Joan of Arc felt, her demise was even more tragic than the story let on.

He sat there for God only knew how long, and if anything, he felt worse. Maybe he needed someone to give him perspective? To tell him he’d done the right thing. Fumbling in his pocket for his phone, he unlocked it and found the number he needed. It rang only twice.

“Am I seeing this right? Are you actually calling me first? Jaclyn, Sebastian is calling me.”

“All right, all right, settle down. I’ve called you before.” Truth was, Sebastian wasn’t sure he had. While he and Mark had been friends forever, and they’d spoken more since Mark’s trip to see him, Sebastian rarely initiated contact. He wasn’t sure why that was, but it was an examination better left for another day.

“So to what do I owe this great pleasure?” Mark asked.

Sebastian sighed heavily as he thought about how to begin.

“Hey, what’s wrong? You okay?” All the teasing was gone from Mark’s voice, concern taking its place.

“I don’t…I think I fucked up, but I don’t know how to fix it. Or if I should fix it. I just…I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do.”

“Tell me what happened.”

So Sebastian did. He told Mark about his growing feelings for Naomi, about how great they were together, how he could see being with her for a long time. Then he talked about the adoption, the disaster at the committee meeting, and the even bigger disaster afterward. After he was done, he waited for Mark to process everything.

Sebastian expected his friend to side with him. To tell him he’d done the right thing. What he didn’t expect was for Mark to ask, “Do you really never want more kids?”

Rubbing his brow with his hand, Sebastian thought about his answer. “I’m honestly not sure. My immediate reaction is no, but when I really think about it…maybe?”

“I’m going to tell you something you’re not going to like, but I want you to hear me out.”

“I really hate advice that starts that way.”

“Tough shit. Listen, I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you’ve endured. What you lost…it makes my chest hurt just to think about it. But what happened wasn’t your fault. You’re a victim too. And you don’t deserve to let life pass you by just because you can’t let go of your survivor’s guilt.”

“You have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about,” Sebastian growled.

“I know. I know I don’t. Not really. But here’s what I do know. You were a great father. One of the best I’ve ever seen. And it’s a damn shame for you not to get to give that gift to another child just because you feel like it’s a betrayal to Celeste and Matty. Neither of them would want this life for you, Sebastian. I’m not saying go out and have a baby tomorrow. I’m just saying, don’t run from the possibility just because it hurts too much to consider. You’re stronger than that. You always have been.”

Sebastian let those words turn around in his mind, trying to come to terms with their veracity. Did he react so strongly because he felt like he’d be betraying his family? Everything in him screamed yes. But was that something a person could just get over? And then there was the fear. Fear of experiencing that kind of love again only to have it ripped away. Sebastian wouldn’t be able to survive that.

But could he survive this way either? Because at the end of the day, the fact was he hadn’t been truly living for years. Not until he’d met Naomi. He’d started to come alive again with her, and could he give that up so easily? Was fear a good enough excuse to go back to seeing the world in monochrome when the last few months had been so vibrant?

Sebastian wasn’t so sure. He’d have to think on it, and hope he came to a decision that would benefit them both.