KATE
I straddle Wes’ hips and pull him to me. I hate feeling as if he’s become my caregiver and not my husband. He deserves more than I’m able to give.
Weston and I have always been very open about our sexual desires and needs, but since the beginning of my third trimester, we haven’t really been able to be too intimate. Sex is just painful and uncomfortable for me, with everything going on down below.
It’s a little depressing, really.
I kiss him hard, pouring every emotion and need into it. My hands fist into his hair and I go to deepen the kiss, but he pulls back. His eyes meet mine and I see a flicker of worry cross his features.
“Are you sure this is okay? Babe, I don’t want to hurt you or end up being too rough with you.”
“Stop, Weston. You would never hurt me.” I can see him wavering between giving in and indecision. “Just fucking kiss me already.”
I can barely get those words out before his lips smash to mine. One of his hands sneaks up my shirt and cups my breast. I push further into him, loving the way his thumb and forefinger tweak my nipple.
God, it feels so fucking good.
I rub my body against the bulge in his jeans and I can hear my moaning growing louder by the second.
“Shh-shh-shh.” Weston laughs against my lips, silencing me. “You’ll wake Charlie with all that noise, my love.”
I slip my tongue into his mouth, tasting him, needing him. He answers back almost immediately, meeting me stroke for stroke, touch by touch.
His hands hold my slender waist as I pull off his shirt and lower my mouth to his neck, sucking and nibbling as my mouth and body move lower, inch by delicious inch.
“Kate?”
His voice is unsure, but I know he needs this. I unzip his pants and he shimmies them down his thighs until they’re wrapped around his ankles. He stays seated as I pull his hardened cock from his boxers.
God, I missed this. I missed him.
I missed us- normal us- where we could make love any and every minute of the day without having to worry about bleeding, tearing, cancer.
I feel the silkiness of his shaft and kiss up the underside of him, flicking my tongue at the bulb of his head. I take him into my mouth and his fingers tangle in my hair, urging my speed.
Out of nowhere, he stops.
He doesn’t react to my touch. He just sits there frozen as if in a catatonic state.
“Kate.”
I look up at him through my lashes, his cock still in my mouth. “Mmm...” I mumble.
“Your hair.”
He pulls his hand away from my head, a chunk of hair coming free with it. I squeeze my eyes closed and pull away from him, needing to get away and to put space between us before I start bawling.
WESTON
Fuck.
I knew we shouldn’t be doing this. I knew it was wrong and that she was weaker than normal because of her treatment, but I so desperately needed the closeness as much as Kate did. It’s been a while- too long.
When I felt my fingers get stuck in her hair, I tried to pull back. I hadn’t expected her hair to come with.
Kate looks mortified and humiliated. I want to wrap her in my arms and comfort her, but she won’t let me touch her. She shies away from my grasp when I reach out.
“Baby, it’s okay.”
She shakes her head and stands, rushing into our downstairs bathroom, the one that only our guests use. I stand up, pull up my boxers and pants, then follow her. I know before I jiggle the handle that she’s locked it.
“Kate, my love, it’s okay.” I hear sniffling on the other side of the door but, still she doesn’t open it. “Fuck. Just talk to me.”
Silence.
“We’re a team, remember? Hand in hand. Together we’ll get through this.” I lean my head against the door frame, listening intently for any sign that she’ll let me in.
She opens the door, her face ridden with moisture from her crying. I grab her and pull her to me, shielding her in my arms. She curls up into a ball and buries her face into my bare chest while she sobs, her entire body shaking uncontrollably. Kate’s taking her hair loss a lot harder than I would have predicted.
I don’t say anything because I don’t know what I can say that will assure her that, in my eyes, she will always be the most stunning woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on. Her hair isn’t what drew me to her and it isn’t what made me fall for her, either.
“I knew it was coming, but—” She sniffles. “—that was so embarrassing. I wanted to show you that we could kind of be like we always were- that I could still pleasure you instead of being the charge you have to look after.”
My heart constricts and I can feel her pain as if I was experiencing it myself. With each new obstacle comes new challenges and new feelings of doubt and insecurity.
“Kate, you aren’t my charge and never will be. You’re my equal. My other half. I don’t know how many times I need to tell you this, but it gives me an immense sense of pride to take care of you. Please let me.” She only nods in response.
I intertwine my fingers with hers and pull her behind me. I lead her upstairs to our obnoxiously extravagant master bathroom. I reach under the sink and pull out the electric shaver that I haven’t used in ages due to Kate’s insistence on my hair and beard lengths.
“Let’s shave our heads.”
“What?”
“I can’t begin to understand how hard it is for you to start losing your hair. But I do know that, regardless, it’s all going to slowly fall out.” I swallow deeply, suddenly becoming unsure of myself. “I won’t let you do this alone, so I’ll shave my head and beard with you. Together we’ll lose all our hair. And eventually, together we’ll grow it all back. You and me, Katie.”
She looks intently at me before her eyes flick over to the electric shaver in my hand. The mere fact that she’s contemplating it has me wanting to fucking fist pound the air.
“But, I love your hair and your beard, ugh...” She pouts, sticking her bottom lip out.
“I know but it’ll grow back quickly. It’ll be only temporary, babe.”
She sighs deeply before giving in. “Okay.”
KATE
My goodness, I can’t believe I agreed to this. Do you know how hard it’s going to be to look into the mirror and see nothing but a bald head? And Weston, dear God, it’s been about six years since I’ve seen him without any facial hair. We were practically babies.
It’s going to be so weird, but when he offered to shave his head, too, it just felt right. I don’t want to do it alone.
Weston turns on the shaver and the buzzing noise alone has me closing my eyes. He just chuckles at me before I feel him running it over my head lightly, chunks of hair falling into my lap and all over the floor.
There’s no going back now.
“How bad does it look?” I cringe.
“Kate, I’ve barely done anything. Be patient.”
I groan, spinning my wedding band around my finger out of complete nervousness. He tilts my head forward to reach the back of my neck before thoroughly going inch by inch, making sure to get every section perfectly.
“Okay, all done.”
I open my eyes and run my hand over my head, feeling the smoothness. Not even a strand of hair was left behind. I peek into the mirror Weston had positioned on the counter, tilting my head back and forth to get a decent look.
“Okay, so it’s not so bad.”
In fact, I kind of love it, but I won’t tell him that; not after I made a big deal about it falling out in the first place.
“It’s hot.” Weston winks at me and I can only roll my eyes in response. Little comments like that continue to remind me that he isn’t just my husband, he’s also a total guy.
“Your turn.”
“Bring it on, Sweetheart.” We switch positions, him in the chair and me standing behind him. I feel my hand shaking as I turn the clippers on. The fear of cutting him or nicking his ear suddenly becomes very real. The last thing I want to do is make my husband bleed. “You won’t hurt me.”
His eyes crinkle with laughter when I squint my eyes at him. Wes is a master when it comes to reading me. I love it and hate it all at the same time.
“I hope not.”
I start with the top of his head and work my way down. Carefully, slowly- about as slowly as Weston when he drove Charlotte and me home from the hospital. He starts laughing at my pace, but I pin him with a glare and he shuts right up.
Smart man.
I finally make my way around his head and set the shaver down on the counter. My eyes widen and I can’t help but bite my lip to keep myself from laughing at the awkwardness of the entire situation.
Weston is still hot; in fact he looks like a much more mature version of the man I had met all those years ago on the beach, but not having seen that in years, it’ll take some getting used to.
“I know, I’m the hottest thing since wet t-shirt contests.” Weston laughs and I kiss him, running my fingers over his soft, clean shaven face. “Different, huh?”
“Very much so.”
“But look at us- bald, yet sexy.”
“Yes, yes I am.” I laugh, flipping my nonexistent hair dramatically.
“Here, here.” he agrees. With his hand on the back of my neck, he guides my lips to his. “Now, before we did this whole hair thing, where were we?” He wiggles his eyebrows and I bust out laughing.
Yep, definitely still a guy.
~*~
I hear the house phone ring, but I ignore it and continue cuddling my sweet baby. I’m so head over heels in love with this little human and every day I’m more in awe of how perfect she is.
“She doesn’t need this stress right now.” I hear Weston arguing on the phone. “No, what she’s going through is none of your business. You lost that right the very minute you threw her away.”
I walk up behind Weston, Charlie beginning to fall asleep in my arms as I rock her back and forth.
Who is it? I mouth to him and he only shakes his head, avoiding answering my question. I glare at him and grab the phone from his grasp with a sliver of struggle.
“Hello?”
“Kate.”
“Dad?” I can feel my heart plummet into my stomach at his voice. Years have passed since I’ve spoken to either of my parents and I vowed that, once I turned 18, I would get far away and never look back. That’s exactly what I did, too. I will always love them because, well, they’re my parents, but the emotional turmoil I endured while under their roof nearly destroyed me.
“We heard about your daughter. We would like to meet our grandchild.”
I look down at the sleeping baby in my arms and a wall smashes up around us. I will never let her be torn down and emotionally abused like I was.
“With all due respect, my daughter already has a grandmother who loves her unconditionally. This may sound harsh after all this time, but I have to protect her with every fiber in my being from people like you two- who will destroy her innocence and shatter her spirit. I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry.”
I hang up the phone and squeeze Charlotte tighter to my chest, sniffing her little baby head. Her baby smell is the most intoxicating scent I’ve ever experienced.
“Are you okay?” Weston asks me, wrapping his arms around the two of us. He never really knew the reason why I despised my family so much, but he knew that whatever it was they did almost broke me. This isn’t the first time one of them has called and it isn’t the first time he’s told them to shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. Wes always has my best interests at heart, which is a lot more than I can say for the family I grew up in.
Weston has asked me before about what they did and I always tended to shy away from the subject. However under the circumstances, I think he deserves to know now.
I lead him over to the love seat in our living room. He sits beside me and I snuggle into his arms, being careful not to wake Charlie in the process.
“I told my parents about my pregnancy and abortion when I was 17. It was about six months or so after it happened.” His thumb rubs up and down my arm. “I was so depressed and I was hurting, because I knew almost immediately that I’d chosen the wrong thing.”
“You were a kid—”
“—Let me get this out, babe. If I don’t, I might not ever.”
“Okay. Go on.” His lips brush the side of my head and I try to pick up where my train of thought had ended.
“You’ve met my parents. You know how conservative and religious they are. They care more about what their congregation thinks than they do about me.
I think it’s normal to want a parent’s love. To crave their approval and affection. But I wasn’t given that by Mom and Dad. Instead of consoling me and loving me through that difficult time I was going through, they condemned me. They used the name of God to further shred any happiness I had left at the time. I don’t think that they once thought- oh hey, maybe Kate already feels like utter shit over her choice.
No. They just continued to make me feel worse.
I was already depressed and hated myself for my decision, but they only managed to send me further into a tailspin. My father even called me a murderer. In his eyes, I was. My mother just sat there quietly, letting him continue to berate me. She never once defended me or came to my rescue.
“You killed one of Gods innocent creatures and you deserve to rot in hell for it.” he once told me. And I heard it so frequently that I grew to believe it.”
“I could fucking pummel your dad right now.” Weston’s fingers ball into fists and I have to put my hand on his chest to calm him.
“They aren’t in my life for a reason. Don’t let them have the upper hand by letting them get a rise out of you. The three of us are all the matters.” Wes looks down at the sleeping baby in my arms and back up into my baby blues.
“You’re right.”
I wasn’t blameless in the entirety. I was just a teenager who was struggling to come to terms with the first choice I ever truly made on my own. My parents are masters at hiding behind the façade of Christianity. They used the name of God to invoke fear into me. And I fell for it. I let it run my entire life; that is, until Weston entered the picture and showed me what love felt like.
It isn’t forcing your beliefs down the throats of others; it’s disagreeing, but still choosing to be there and to care, to celebrate those differences.
I don’t know if there is ever any way to forgive the emotional abuse I’d suffered, but when I look down upon my sleeping daughter, I can’t help but wonder how a parent can look at their child with such disgust and, dare I say, hate.
When I imagine my daughter in the same position I was in back then, it just about breaks my heart down the middle. Aside from Jazzy, I never had that support system- the loving family that a child deserves. What I do know is that my Charlie will always have that.
A family with love and laughter. A family who will guide her and protect her. Love her through her faults. Lift her up during her accomplishments and teach her how to be humble and kind. Charlie will have a family who will support her in whatever she chooses and be there to pick up the pieces if things suddenly fall apart.
That’s what a family is. If I’ve done one thing right, it was choosing Wes and Jazzy as mine. They won’t ever erase the pain I suffered from my biological parents, but they sure fill all the holes in my cracked heart like spackle.
“Your mom and I might not always agree on things, but she sure is amazing.” I smile at Wes and nuzzle into his neck, feeling grateful for everything that’s gotten me to this point now. I don’t feel like I have any less that anyone else.
My life is just different.
Not better and certainly not worse.