WESTON
Kate asked me to leave the room while the doctor spoke to her. Everything within me told me not to, but because my wife asked, I abided by her wishes. I don’t like feeling there are things being kept from me; however, being asked to leave kind of implies that, doesn’t it?
I can’t help but pace in the hallway as I wait, my mind fabricating too many possible outcomes, none of which are positive.
The doctor finally opens the door and walks out. He doesn’t look at me or even acknowledge that I’m standing there. I ignore the irritation I feel at that fact and enter the room, my heart suddenly breaking as I see my beautiful Kate in full-on hysterics. Tears are streaming down her cheeks and her face is red and splotchy.
I go to her and slide onto the uncomfortable hospital bed, pulling her into my arms. I cradle her head against my chest and kiss her smooth head, soothing her the only way I know how. Her little, delicate fingers grip my biceps and she’s clinging to me tightly, holding on as if at any moment she’s going to float away completely.
She’s tinier in my arms and that change is quite prevalent. I hadn’t paid much attention before, but her cheeks are sunken in a little and the dark bags beneath her eyes seem to go on for days. My little dancer is changing, and not in a healthy way, either.
“Tell me, Kate.” She looks up at me, her blue eyes calm yet deafening at the same time. She doesn’t even need to say the words, because I’m feeling it through the look she’s pouring into me.
The prognosis isn’t good.
“The infection has turned into sepsis. I guess my body hasn’t taken to the antibiotics and fluids like they’ve hoped. It’s going to get bad, Weston. Really bad, really quickly.”
“They can treat the sepsis, right?” I ask her, but she’s already ahead of me, shaking her head no.
“Normally yes, but it seems that I’m in the beginning stages of kidney failure. The doctor doesn’t think I’m strong enough to go through dialysis and a transplant surgery.”
“Fuck.”
My eyes fill with tears instantly and I can feel my deepest fears coming to fruition.
I’m going to lose her.
Kate- my wife, my best friend, the mother of my beautiful child, my little dancer- is really dying. My heart hurts so fucking bad and I’m struggling to wrap my head around the news. It was always a possibility, but I never thought it would become a reality. Death is something we’ve always purposely avoided talking about.
“The hospital will give me fluids and oxygen, but essentially, I don’t have much time left. Little by little my organs are going to shut down. There’s nothing else that can really be done.” She coughs and my heart lurches. I see her struggling and I can feel it because I’m feeling it too. We’ve always
been in sync- mind, body, and soul. “I need you to promise me something.”
“No.” I growl. “We are not saying our fucking goodbyes now.”
She squeezes her eyes closed, willing the tears away. “Please, Weston. I need to get this out. I won’t always be here to say this.”
I stand, shaking, balling my fists. I’m angry. I’m pissed. And I’m fucking hurting. She motions me back to her and I obey. I need to hold her. I welcome the feeling of her in my arms because I don’t know how much time we have left together.
“I-I can’t raise Charlie on my own.” My words come out in a stutter and I can feel myself getting choked up.
“You can, and you will.” She cups my cheek, bringing our foreheads together. Her blue eyes meet mine, so much sadness flowing between us. “You will be the best fucking father that any little girl will ever have. You’ll teach her right from wrong. You’ll comfort her when she’s hurting. You’ll be her rock, just like you were with me. You’ll shower her with love and affection. You’ll be her bodyguard and protect her when any boy dares to break her heart.” She kisses the side of my mouth before continuing. “I know you will, Wes. Because, in our eight, almost nine, years together, those are the things that you’ve done for me.”
My tears mix with hers and I find it hard to breathe at the mere idea of Kate no longer being here with me. I’m not strong enough for this. I don’t know how I’m going to survive losing her. How can I pick up our daughter, the little girl that we made together, and just move on?
“Will you tell her about me? Tell her that I loved her more than anything in this entire world?”
“I will, baby.” I kiss her. “I’ll tell her how brave her mommy was and how selfless she was. Charlie will take dance classes and I will show her all the videos of your performances. You’ll always be with us, Katie Kat. Always.”
There are no words to really explain the amount of heartache we’re both feeling. It feels like a punch to my gut, a knife to my already fragile heart. I’m in a state of disbelief that this is really happening, and every part of me hopes that maybe it won’t.
Kate deserves more than she was given. She deserves her chance to be a mother after everything she had to endure as a teenager. She fought for that right; she fought harder than anyone should ever have to fight in their lifetime.
Life just isn’t fair.
KATE
This is my karma, isn’t it? Karma is a bitch and every choice will eventually come back to bite you in the ass. The only good things to come out of my life are all the memories Weston and I have created over the years and our beautiful daughter.
Maybe that’s all I was meant to do with my life. Maybe I was never meant to be a famous ballerina or travel the world. Maybe the only reason I’m here is to be Weston’s wife and to be Charlie’s mommy.
I truly have no regrets. I wouldn’t take back my daughter for anything and, if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t hesitate to repeat it the exact same way. I meant what I said to Weston the day he learned of my cancer- Charlie is worth it. That sweet, innocent soul brings nothing but pure beauty to everything around her.
Bringing my daughter into the world redeemed me. I’ve come to forgive myself and now I can leave this world happy and free. Free of all the burdens that’ve tied me down and held me captive.
“Wes?” I look up at him and I can see the apparent sadness in the slouch of his shoulders and the darkness in his eyes.
“Yes, my tiny dancer?”
I nuzzle into his neck and try to formulate a way to phrase my words that won’t come across wrong, but there’s no easy way to get this next part out. “Promise me that you’ll find love again someday.”
I can feel him tense up against me and, when I glance up briefly, I can see his jaw clenched tightly. His anger is obvious.
“No.”
I sigh.
“You’ve made me feel loved beyond repair in our more than eight years together, Weston. You handed me your heart without a second thought and every day since then you proved how much you loved me.” He looks away, but I don’t let up. Instead I push even more, because he needs this nudge in the right direction and I have to get this out before the moment comes when I can’t. “You have a fucking beautiful heart, Weston, and I need to know that someday- maybe a year from now or maybe ten- you’ll let somebody in. You’ll let some special woman have the privilege of owning that heart of yours.”
“Kate, stop.” His voice is firm and I can hear the desperation dripping from his words.
“Your heart of gold is too beautiful to keep locked away and hidden. Please, Weston. Promise me.”
“Why are you doing this to me?” His eyes are filled with tears and in seconds, mine are mirroring his.
“I’m doing this for you, and for Charlie.” My voice cracks. “I won’t be here. She deserves to have a mother. She deserves a happy father. And both of you deserve to have a life filled with love and joy. When I’m looking down from heaven, I need to see that. Please?”
The silence hangs in the air for what feels like a very long time, but eventually he caves. “I can’t make any definite promises, but I can at least promise to try.”
“That’s all I ask.”
I don’t know how long we stay there, wrapped up in each other’s arms. It could be minutes, hours, days… Together we laugh and cry, shedding tears for the past, present and future. And together, we decide to honor one of the promises that we made to each other- to focus only on the good; relish the good times, cherish the people surrounding us and live in the moment, because the moments fade quickly and evolve into something distant and gone.
WESTON
It doesn’t take long before we begin seeing the effects of the toxin buildup in her system. Her blood pressure drops drastically and the doctors and nurses rush into the room, muttering orders.
Kate has begun struggling to breathe and I step into the hall while they intubate her and attach her to a machine designed to assist her with the breathing.
My heart breaks, but I know what I need to do. I pull my cell from my pocket and shoot a short, group text to those Kate loves the most. They deserve to be here and deserve to be by her side until the very end. They need it and Kate needs it.
Kate needs you guys. Please.
It doesn’t take long before my mom, Charlie, and Jazzy’s family come pouring into the hospital room. After a short, choppy discussion with the doctor, I’d convinced him to let them into the room. Kate’s dying. She needs them through this time.
Her eyes are filled with pain, but a twinkle appears when she sees my mom walk in with Charlie. She winces, but reaches her arms out to her anyways.
I don’t think my heart will ever be the same as I watch the scene unfold before me. I’m watching my wife hold our daughter for the last time. I’m watching our daughter look at her mommy with love and adoration.
I witness our friends and family in tears as they whisper words of love and thanks to my wife. Jazzy can’t bring herself to say anything, she just buries her tear-soaked face into Kate’s neck.
Everything begins to happen so quickly- the machines begin beeping rapidly, flashing red symbols on the screen. It’s as if Kate begins to deteriorate within the blink of an eye. The nurse and doctor stand idly by with grim expressions on their faces and I get an insane urge to take a page from Katie’s book and kick them the fuck out. They’re witnessing something private and it feels like an intrusion, because it is.
My mom picks up Charlie, bopping her up and down to calm her newfound hysterics. I can’t help but wonder if maybe our daughter can sense what’s happening.
I lean down, kissing my wife’s forehead and run my thumb along her cheek to memorize every detail and feature, along with the feel of her skin against mine. Kate’s eyes meet mine for barely a second, they’re cloudy and hazy- they’re missing the fiery spark that embodies my girl. But if only for a moment, I could swear I see a glimmer of clarity in her beautiful crystal irises.
“It’s okay, my love. You can let go.” I can’t help the tears that pour out of me as I watch my wife’s chest rise and fall for a few minutes more before she takes her very last breath.