Chapter Nine
It had been a long three weeks. Mainly because they’d been Ren-free.
Stacey had periodically peeped out her den window, watching as he hopped into his Jeep or a friend’s car, coming and going from his parents’ house.
A few women had stopped by. One, a beautiful blonde, bounced up his driveway and threw herself into his arms. He’d pushed the girl back like he knew Stacey was watching, but he’d still smiled as he and the blonde chatted. Shannon had even appeared with a big smile to talk to them both.
Her stomach snaked into jealous knots, even though she had no right to feel that way.
She’d let him go.
For an entire afternoon, Ren and Jay loaded boxes into the back of his dad’s Silverado. Shannon had a forlorn look on her face as she carried small items to the truck, but she hugged Ren twice before he and his dad drove off. Stacey assumed they moved him into Tyler’s as his Jeep was no longer in the driveway at night.
Stacey hid in her office, working hard on trying to work hard. This book wasn’t going to write itself. But it was difficult to focus with her emotions tied up like a large pretzel in her belly. She missed him.
Ren’d texted once, the day after the huge blow up with Shannon: Time. You need it. I’ll give it.
That’s all he’d said.
But his actions said way more.
She found a bunch of lilacs on her front porch once a week. Her favorite flowers. Another time, she’d walked out to her car and found the vehicle washed and waxed. He’d must have done so in the middle of the night because she headed out for her run by six that morning.
Her front yard was mowed weekly and her driveway pressure-washed while she taught her creative writing class at the community college. He cleaned the pool every week and would leave her favorite white wine in a chiller on the outdoor table on the patio. She never saw him do any of these things, but knew he did.
She couldn’t get over how much he must have paid attention over the years to know what these things would mean to her. Her heart swelled larger than the Grinch’s and she fell a little more in love with him with each touching and gallant gesture.
He hadn’t approached her the few times he’d seen her walking to her car. He waved and gave a sexy smile that made her insides go all gooey. She’d wave and plaster a smile on her face, hoping her grin didn’t reveal how hard staying away from him really was.
Shannon didn’t talk to her, but did pass tight smiles. Better than the middle finger. Jay was polite, asked her how she was and exchanged small talk across the yards.
It didn’t seem like Shannon had conversed with the meddling neighbors. At least Stacey hadn’t been subjected to the evil eye or malicious whispers.
Her summer class at the community college was small, only ten students, but she loved teaching creative writing. That engagement often inspired her own writing by getting back to the basics. Plotting. Character development. Active versus passive voice. Point of view. Discussing the topics and demonstrating her techniques and tools with those interested enough in her craft to take her class got her creative juices flowing. Having those stimulating mental moments helped her to move past the writer’s block named Ren.
Evenings she’d write. She found several times wanting to call him to run some of the football terminology past him, but refrained. Despite her body and heart wanting desperately to connect, she couldn’t give him any hope that something would happen between them. It had already gone too far. She couldn’t stand another shattered heart. Even though she’d put her heart back together, the pieces were still fragile.
So, when Todd had asked her out on a date, she said yes. Not because she wanted to date him, but she wanted to get her mind off Ren and all the things he did that had her second guessing her decision to end things. She wanted to get out, do something besides sulk about all the ways her life wasn’t turning out how she’d planned. She’d grown tired of the pity parties she threw for herself.
Todd was another English teacher at the community college. They had a quiet dinner at Salt Rock Café, talked about the politics of college, and the highs and lows of teaching English and writing to a bunch of twenty-somethings. Mahuffer’s was the last stop, the night cap, so-to-speak, before their date ended.
“I’m glad you said Mahuffer’s.” Todd’s deep voice penetrated as they found a table off to the left of the main bar. “I love this place.”
“Me, too.” Stacey smiled.
Mahuffer’s was an institution along the Pinellas beaches. A door-less beach bar with nothing special other than its unique decor. License plates from all over hung on the walls. Signed dollar bills were stapled on any piece of open wood available. Bras and underwear dangled from the rafters. Bumper stickers were slapped on the tables, the bar, and walls. And though hours were set, the establishment opened when the owner was ready, and closed that way, too.
Randy had never wanted to grab a beer here. He’d called the place a dive.
Mahuffer’s was a dive, but one of the most popular dives in Tampa Bay.
Now, Stacey could do what she wanted, go where she wanted without worrying about what Randy thought. Freedom that had taken her a while to discover underneath her broken heart.
Stacey looked at her date across the small table. “Thanks for dinner.”
Todd’s sandy brown hair lay ruffled on his head, giving him a surfer look. He had a lean body like a runner. Not her usual type, but a nice guy.
Nice. She hated that word. So ordinary, so nondescript. As an English professor and an author, she should be able to come up with something better than nice to describe her date.
“You’re welcome. I’m glad you said yes.” He gave a lopsided smile. His gaze dipped to her lips, and her stomach dropped like an elevator plummeted five floors.
Not that he wasn’t good looking. He was in that English-teacher kind of way. The problem was she didn’t get butterflies, nor did her heart skip a beat in his presence. Not like with Ren.
God! She’d never felt so alive as she had those few glorious days with him. Her physical reaction to him teetered on pornographic ever since the day he’d cornered her in the kitchen. More than that, he’d proved he genuinely cared for her. All the little things he’d done, showing his sensitive, loving, and devoted side. He did everything she asked of him and then some.
But that was over. It had to be.
Maybe if she kept telling herself that, one day she’d believe it.
“I’ve been wanting to ask you out for the last few months. I didn’t know your current situation or if you were ready. I know divorce can be complicated, having lived through it myself, but I thought ‘what the heck.’” His hazel eyes were warm. Todd was a couple years older than her. They had a lot in common. Except no spark, at least not for her.
“I need to be honest, I’m not quite ready for a relationship. I think you’re great, but I’m still mending from the divorce. I guess you can say I wasn’t expecting it.” If that wasn’t an understatement, she didn’t know what was.
If she were being totally honest, the spark of feelings for Ren were more unexpected than the dissolution of her marriage. He’d be the reason a relationship with Todd would go nowhere, but brutal honesty wasn’t necessary right now. “I’ve had a wonderful time. I hope you know that. Thank you.”
He blinked a bit longer than necessary.
She couldn’t tell if he was disappointed in what she’d said or if he found promise in her words. Either way, she wouldn’t string him along. Her heart was elsewhere.
“I hope it was wonderful enough to maybe want to do it again.” His voice filled with optimism. “I had a great time.”
All she could offer was a small smile. “Getting together again would be great, Todd. As friends.”
He didn’t seem fazed by her words. Instead, he reached across the table and squeezed her hand reassuringly like he understood where she came from.
A siren blared from a speaker as a guy with salt and pepper hair and a bushy beard plugged his guitar into the amplifier. Todd leaned into her so she could hear. “Seems like we’re going to get drowned out with some live blues.” The man on stage strummed a few chords and the small crowd hooted and hollered. “You want to turn your chair around so you can see the entertainment?”
Stacey rose from her seat and spun it next to Todd’s. He hung his arm loosely over the back of her chair as a man crooned into his microphone. Despite not having a physical attraction to Todd, their evening had been comforting. Putting herself back out on the dating scene had frightened her. She’d spent her entire twenties with one man. Dating after being married for ten years intimidated her. This was her first step and if nothing else it felt good to know she could go out on a date and the evening not be a total disaster.
The musician played a thirty-minute set before pausing for a break. The crowd dispersed, pushing toward the bar for another round of drinks.
She and Todd stayed seated talking about their summer plans outside of teaching.
“Aw, hell no!” A deep voice shouted above the hustle and bustle of the crowd. Stacey recognized the voice since it was etched into her memory, her fantasies, and dreams.
Ren.
What the hell was he doing at Mahuffer’s?
She turned to see him being wrapped up by two guys. One she recognized as his surfer best friend and roommate, Tyler, with the floppy blond hair. The other guy she’d never seen, but it took the two of them to keep Ren from charging toward her.
His gaze blazed with drunkenness and anger. He grappled with his two buddies, trying to get past them. He had every intent to get to her, as she recognized the determination in his eyes. The same look he’d had that first day he pursued her in the kitchen. Nothing would stop him.
She turned back around. Maybe if she ignored him he’d just leave. Making a scene wasn’t his style. Her heart pounded in her chest and she shuddered. She hadn’t considered that she could run into him while on her date. The thought had never crossed her mind.
Todd’s fingers thumped on her shoulder as he talked about taking his brother’s boat out on the water tomorrow.
A scuffle sounded behind them and several stools skidded across the dirt floor. Then Ren coasted in front of them and stopped. His khaki cargo shorts hung low on his waist. A green t-shirt clung to his chest and his biceps like a second skin. A masterpiece. When God created him, he broke the mold.
Despite his drunken anger, he practically melted her panties off with his wild, blue-eyed stare.
“What the hell?”
Todd sat up straighter in his chair. “Hey, man.”
“Are you on a date?” Ren’s words seethed out. He completely ignored Todd, his eyes never strayed from her.
His cheeks were pink, either from anger or alcohol, or both. His lips pulled into a tight line, but his bloodshot eyes couldn’t hide his hurt. She’d done that to him even after he’d given her exactly what she asked for—time. Her chest tightened and a lump in her throat threatened to choke her.
“Yes, we are. Why does it matter to you?” Todd stood and crossed his arms over his chest in that way men do when they believe they’re being challenged.
Why did men get so barbaric? What would he do? Fight?
Stacey rose. Ren was drunk and clearly trying to ruffle Todd’s feathers, which was working. He stepped closer, straightening his posture, which broadened his shoulders.
“Don’t, Ren.” She held up her hand.
Todd shifted and tensed, pulling her closer with an arm around her waist.
A growl ripped from Ren. His hands balled up at his sides. He wasn’t a fighter. She knew this, but his demeanor and the look in his eyes tested that belief.
“Don’t what? Don’t ask you about your date?” His gaze shifted from her to Todd. He scoffed and rolled his eyes.
“Do you have a problem?” Todd asked.
“I do. You’ve got your arm around my girl and it’s pissing me off.” If looks could kill, Todd would have fallen over dead.
“Your girl?” Todd glanced at Stacey, eyes questioning. The terminology had caught her off guard as well. Even though she knew he wanted to be with her, he’d never referred to her in the possessive sense. It warmed her insides being claimed as his. Made her dizzy and giddy and all of those girly feelings one has when in love. “We’re on a date. You must be confused.”
Ren shook his head. “Nah. I’m not confused.”
“Ren, you’re drunk.” She’d never seen him act this way. She’d seen him drunk. On more than one occasion, she’d been the person he’d contacted to pick him and his buddies up from a party or club, not wanting to drive home under the influence or worry his parents. But she’d never seen him so angry, so ready for a fight.
“Not drunk enough.” His voice wavered, and his words broke her. He was hurt. She knew that. He wasn’t used to rejection. God, why should he be? He was fantastic. Fantastic to look at, fantastic in bed. And had a big heart. She hated being the one to break it.
She leaned close to Todd so he could hear her over the noise. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.” He squeezed her, and Ren rumbled. She could all but see the angry vibrations radiating off him.
“Are you sure?” Concerned etched his features. “We could leave.”
“I’m sure. I’ll just be a few minutes.” She broke away from his hold and stepped toward Ren. “Can we talk in private?”
She walked toward the doorway leading to a sandy area outside. Though she couldn’t hear him following, she felt him—his towering presence, the heat he emanated.
Darkness enveloped her as she stepped outside. The moon hung low in the sky, not offering much light and neither did the sole string of twinkle lights hanging overhead. Potted palm trees lined the private area where they stood eyeing each other.
“I’m sorry.” The lump in her throat made her sound like a frog. She leaned her back against the rickety tin building and huffed out a breath. The salty air singed her nostrils and the humidity combined with her nerves dampened her skin.
“For what?” He stood a few feet in front of her, his eyes stormy with raw emotion. He scrubbed a hand through his short hair in frustration before balling both hands into fists again.
“I didn’t know you’d be here.”
“You’re sorry you didn’t know I’d be here,” he spit out and shook his head, clenching his hands repeatedly. “If you’d known I’d come to Mahuffer’s, you wouldn’t have come here with your date?” He said the word “date” with such aversion, and narrowed his eyes.
She shivered. In all the years she’d known him, he’d never been angry with her. She didn’t like the feeling of being on the receiving end of his hostility.
“Of course not. I would never try to antagonize or upset you.” She folded her hands in front of her trying to keep from reaching out to comfort him. His mix of anger and hurt were too much. She didn’t like seeing him this way, particularly knowing she caused it. “I care about you, Ren. I’d never hurt you on purpose.”
He sniggered. “Oh, so you care about me, but not enough to stop shattering my heart?” Animosity dripped from his words like honey from an overstuffed beehive.
“Don’t be dramatic. I’ve seen the girls come to your parents’ house. God only knows who’s been at your new place.” The bubbly blonde came back to mind. Jealousy, once again, twisted her gut. “I’ve seen you greet them with big hugs or hop in the car with them. I’ve never made a scene. It’s your life to live.”
“Jaime is a family friend. Not someone I’m dating. And Carla’s had a thing for me for years, but it’s not reciprocated. I don’t give a fuck about other girls.” He stepped closer, resting his forearm above her head and caging her against the building. “I only want one. You.”
“It won’t work.” Frustration and desire bubbled through her causing her breath to shorten and her nipples to bud in acknowledgement of his proximity. His beachy scent swathed her like a blanket, warming her from head to toe.
“I told you I wasn’t giving up. I promised you time and I’m doing the best I can.” His eyes filled with tears. His bottom lip trembled much like his voice.
She wanted to pull his bottom lip between her teeth and ease his sadness, but that would only lead to another round of being screwed senseless against the wall of Mahuffer’s while her date waited patiently inside, then back to reality and the inevitableness of their situation. She shook her head, trying desperately to keep her wits about her.
“Who is he?”
“It doesn’t matter.” She sighed.
“It matters to me.” His tone begged her to answer him.
“He’s a co-worker. An English professor at the community college.” She lowered her head, unable to look him in the eyes. “Ren, we won’t work.”
“You haven’t even given us a try. What does the English prof have that I don’t?” He jerked his head in the direction of the bar where she was sure Todd sat wondering what the hell was happening.
“It has nothing to do with Todd.”
“Todd.” He mocked. “I’m half-tempted and drunk enough to go back in there and beat the shit out of him.” He closed the small space between them, his hips pinning her to the wall. She bit her bottom lip to keep from moaning, the feel of his hardness against her more than she could take. Desire ratcheted up another level, leaving her panties damp from the feel of him.
“You wouldn’t.” Her eyes widened with surprise at his threat. He drew his brows down and glared at her.
“Don’t be too sure. If he touches you again, I may.” He inhaled deeply, releasing the breath slowly as if the idea of another man touching her pushed him over the edge of sanity and this was all he could do to calm himself.
“You and I aren’t dating. You can’t go bullying everyone I hang out with.” She pushed his chest a little, wanting to create some space between them. His salt water and suntan lotion scent washed over her, making her dizzy, and stirred things in her that made her irrational. Made her think of those moments they were skin to skin, touching and tasting each other. There was no sanity in those moments.
“If I can’t touch you, if I can’t be with you, then neither can he or anyone else.” His lips pulled tight. His calmness once again slipped.
“Do you realize how childish that sounds?”
“I don’t care. Maybe it is childish, but I can’t stand the thought of anyone else holding your hand.” His voice cracked and he covered her hand on his chest with his own. He blew out a harsh breath. “Do you feel that? That’s my heart beating for you. I miss you. I’m in love with you. So. Fucking. In love with you.” His eyes softened as he admitted his feelings. The frustration and anger that had surrounded him moments before melted. “I love you.”
“Ren.” She cupped his face. His admission rocked her. This wasn’t some kid with an older woman fantasy. This was a man. A man who loved her.
Before she could speak another word, he slammed his mouth against hers. The kiss wasn’t gentle or sensual. Instead it was rough, animalistic, desperate. Exactly like she expected after three weeks. He tasted like beer and whiskey, the combination almost made her drunk. He grasped the back of her neck, holding her close as he plundered. His tongue penetrated her mouth, licking into her with so much longing that her knees went weak.
He was the best damn kisser. He knew how deep to take a kiss. Exactly how far he could push her before she could do nothing but submit to him. He owned every part of her.
Her traitorous body hummed with desire. Heat coursed, settling low in her belly, aching for him. If he made a move, if he tried to touch her in any sensual manner, she would not have it in her to stop him.
Thoughts swarmed her head. Would this warm and gooey feeling always surface around him? Would she crave his kisses forever? His touch? Would anyone else ever spark these feelings in her?
He stepped back, breaking their connection. Emotions flitted across his features. He squeezed his eyes shut. His breath punctuated the air around them in quick bursts. If he didn’t slow down his breathing, he’d hyperventilate. He covered his face with both hands and inhaled deeply, holding the breath. When he exhaled, he dropped his hands at his sides and stared at her with clarity.
“You’re not ready for me? I’ll continue to give you time. I’ll give you whatever you need. Go out on some dates. See what’s out there. It may be hard, damn near impossible for me to watch, but I understand why. I promise to swallow my jealousy and let you see that no one is going to make you feel the way I do. No one will love you like I do.”
“I don’t know what to say.” She stared up at him breathless after that kiss, after his words. “I know what you want me to say, but I can’t. We’d never make it. I want a companion. Kids, a family. I don’t have time to wait for you to figure out what you want in life. But you deserve that time. I’m not going to strip you of that like it was done to me.”
“We want the same things, baby. I’d ask you to marry me right now if I knew you’d say yes.” He slipped a finger under her chin, forcing her to look him in the eyes. “I couldn’t imagine anyone other than you being the mother of my children.”
She gasped. She believed he wanted a relationship with her, but didn’t imagine he’d want to give her all the things she’d desperately craved. At least not yet.
“Yes, baby. I want to be your husband. I want that title, that role more than anything. I want to share my life with you, take care of you, love you. I want a family. With you.” He pushed on the tip of her nose with his finger. “Will everything be a piece of cake? No. But I don’t want easy. I want you.”
She puffed out a breath. What could she say? This gorgeous man offered himself to her and yet she didn’t know if she could accept him. She couldn’t take it if her heart broke again. And Ren could destroy her. She already knew that.
“All those crazy thoughts running through your pretty head right now,” he said, and touched her temple, “like why you think this won’t work or that I may someday find a younger woman to draw my attention away won’t change the way we feel, the way I feel.” He kissed her forehead and the tip of her nose. “You’re mine, Stace. I won’t give up.” He pressed his lips gently against hers. “Let me love you.”
He pushed back from the wall, chilling the air around her with his vacancy, then turned and walked back into Mahuffer’s.
Deep breath. Deep breath. She repeated several times until her breathing was under control and she could think semi-straight.
He wreaked havoc on her. No matter how many times she thought she had the situation under control, the minute she saw him, the minute he started telling her all the glorious things she wanted to hear, she crumbled. Her heart banged out a rhythm in her chest, telling her this was more than a physical attraction. Damn it. She was in love with him.
Ack! She shoved off the wall and walked back in to the bar. She glanced around, but it appeared as if Ren and his friends had left. He gave her the space she requested. Every time she thought he was exactly what she didn’t need, he did something to make her question that. Every time she thought him too young to give her what she needed, he proved to be more a man than her forty-year-old ex.
Todd sat at their table, pretending to be watching the live music that had started back up, but he couldn’t disguise the look of relief on his face when she returned.
“Sorry.” Stacey sat next to him.
“Are you okay?” He leaned into her.
“Yes.” She smiled at him. “Everything’s fine.”
Once the set was done, she and Todd left the bar. He drove her home and dropped her off. She kissed him on the cheek and thanked him for the date, telling him she’d see him Monday at work. He got the point.
For the first time in a long time, Stacey believed that everything would be fine. She knew what she needed to do. Happiness came in all forms. Hers was found in a twenty-three-year-old man who promised to love her.
Stacey sat on the swing of the front porch thinking about all the things that had happened over the last several months. Her divorce. Her ex preparing to have a baby with his girlfriend. The start of her new novel. Ren.
Amazing Ren.
She tapped out a text to her sister. If anyone thought she should hold back on moving forward with Ren, Jennifer would tell her. She trusted her sister implicitly.
Stacey: I’m going for it.
Jennifer: With Ren?
Stacey: Yes.
Jennifer: Yay! Finally! Yippee Skippee!
Stacey: Ur such a juvenile.
Jennifer: ☺ Ur so disciplined.
Stacey: It’s my life.
Jennifer: True. And it’s about to improve ten-fold. Keep me posted.
Stacey: Love u
Jennifer: Luv u 2
Her next step would be a bold move. The ramifications couldn’t quite be calculated. But if she didn’t let herself try this relationship, she’d regret it the rest of her life. There were certain things she could live with. Regret because she was afraid to try wasn’t one of them. So, she texted Ren.
Before pressing send, she held a full breath for several seconds, like she’d always been instructed in yoga to assist with clarity. This was it.
Stacey: Love me.