It’s not until after six thirty when I finally leave Mason’s house. He ended up ordering pizza, and we finished watching the movie. Thankfully, the conversation turned to happier topics, like our plans for the weekend. As crazy as it seems, we are only a month or so away from finishing our junior year of college. I decided to take the summer off to save some money. Since I’m avoiding my dad like the plague, the last thing I want to do is call him and admit I need help.
Hell fucking no!
Leaving Mason to get ready for another night at Velvet, I decide to head home in hopes I can still salvage what’s left of my Friday night. Knowing Lissa will be leaving any minute now for her shift tonight, I send off a text to Kaleb in hopes he wants to stop over so we can have a night in together. After our fight and us not seeing each other for a week, I think a night alone is what we need.
Me: On my way home. Have the apt to myself. Want to come over?
I watch as the notification on my end confirms it was delivered and subsequently read. I wait for the bubble to appear indicating Kaleb’s texting a response, but it never comes. It takes me only a few minutes to get home, as Mason lives roughly five blocks away from my apartment.
Scrolling through my phone, I decide to give Kaleb a quick call.
“Yeah.” His tone has an edge of irritation to it.
“Hi, hey. I’m sorry. I, um, I just got home. Are you doing anything? I thought maybe you could come over or I, um, I could come to you,” I mutter, fumbling over my words, thrown off by his change in demeanor.
“Brea, listen. I’m just not in the mood for this tonight, okay? I’ll talk to you later.”
The boulder I felt sitting on my chest earlier is back. It feels heavier and heavier as each second of this call ticks by. Who is this person and what have they done with Kaleb? My Kaleb.
“You’re not in the mood for this? What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I feel the rise of anger course through me as my hands start to shake.
“I’m not in the mood to deal with this between us right now. I’m getting ready to head out in a few minutes. You wanted the night to hang out with your friends and, look, that’s what I’m giving to you.”
“Are you shitting me? I told you something came up. Mason is my friend, and he needed me. I’m sorry, I know we had plans, and I feel terrible for bailing at the last minute. I miss you, and I want to see you. Are you saying you don’t want to see me?”
“No, don’t fucking put this on me. I want to see you; I wanted to see you. You bailed out on me for Mason—AGAIN! I’m sick of coming in second place to him,” he says, raising his voice at the last part.
“What are you talking about? It’s not like that between us, and I thought you could see it by now. He is nothing more than a friend, Kaleb. Mason is my fucking friend.” I feel the tears pouring out of my eyes.
He knows how I feel about trust and the fact he’s accusing me of choosing Mason over him makes me angry.
“Listen, I’m going to let you go. I’m getting ready to head out with the guys, and I don’t want to do this right now. We can talk later.”
Before I have a chance to respond, the sound of the line clicking in my ear forces another onslaught of tears streaming down my face.
“Okay,” I whisper to myself, holding the phone in front of me. The screen illuminates, confirming the call has ended.
Leaning my head back, I scrub my hands over my face, wiping away the tears as I let out a deep breath. Shoving my phone into my purse, I get out of the car and walk around to grab my bags from the trunk.
A wave of guilt passes over me for a minute as I think about what Kaleb said. I know he doesn’t always like how close Mason and I are, but have I made him feel like he comes in second place?
I always try to reassure him it isn’t like that with Mason.
Mason is my best friend. He will always be my best friend.
Pulling my suitcase out of the back hatch, I set it on the ground next to me and pull the handle. It’s mid-April in Chicago and, as expected, it’s windy outside, causing my hair to whip across my face.
I take the two flights of stairs to our third-floor apartment. Not bothering to unpack my week’s worth of clothes, I immediately head toward the kitchen and pull out a pint of ice cream. I ate a piece of pizza at Mason’s, not wanting to eat too much in hopes Kaleb would want to grab dinner.
The direction my day has gone, the only thing that will make me feel better is a bowl of delicious ice cream. Well, tacos would do, but ice cream is easier at this point.
Not bothering with a bowl, I swipe a spoon from the drawer and head into the living room. Looks like a night of Netflix and chilling by myself.
It’s after two in the morning when I hear Lissa come in. Her loud yawn sounds more like a groan as I sit up peering over the side of the couch.
“Good morning to you.”
“You’re here? I thought you were going out with Kaleb. I expected you to be staying at his house tonight.”
“Yeeeaah,” I say, falling back against the pillow on the couch. “That’s what I thought, too.”
“Whaaaaat’s going on?” Lissa asks, emphasizing the word as I did. “Matter-of-fact, hold that thought. I want to get these clothes off and the look of sin and sex off my face.” She laughs, walking down the hall.
I stop myself from dozing off when I hear her clear her throat, in an attempt to wake me. Peeking one eye open, I see her stretched out on the loveseat in a tank top and yoga pants. Her long red hair is piled on top of her head and her face is clean.
“How was your trip?” she asks. I’m thankful for the reprieve.
“It wasn’t bad,” I say, not giving anything else away.
“Did you talk to your dad about next year?”
Before the divorce was ever brought up, my parents promised they would help me pay for school. Despite needing to ask my dad about tuition for next year, I couldn’t even bring myself to utter the words. I would do just about anything before I give in and ask him for money.
“No.”
“No, you didn’t talk to him about next year, or no you didn’t talk to him at all?”
“I didn’t talk to him about it.”
“That’s what I thought,” she sighs, shaking her head. She knows how I feel about asking for things, especially when it comes to having to talk to my dad.
“I think I’m just going to take the summer off and put some money into my savings. With my scholarship, I can do it on my own. It’s only one year.”
“If that’s the case, you’re going to need to find something better than working at The Coffee House. You’re struggling enough as it is. You really should get a job working at Velvet. You’d make way more money and would only have to work half the hours.”
Lissa only works Thursday, Friday, and Saturday and makes more than I do on tips alone. She has a point. The only problem is how would I explain to Kaleb I’m working there. I know when I bring it up to him, he’ll immediately jump to Mason.
“I’ll think about it.”
“Alright. So, are you going to tell me what happened or are you going to continue to avoid the conversation?”
“We got into a fight,” I sigh. “I’m not sure what’s going on now.”
Turning over on my side, I face her. I’m too tired to bother asking what’s with the confused look she’s throwing my way.
“What do you mean you don’t know what’s going on? You’re still together, or dating, or whatever. Right?” she asks, waving her hands at me.
“We are still together, but he’s not very happy with me right now.”
“He’s not happy with you?” She chuckles. “What the hell did you do?”
“I got a call from Mason on my way into town. He asked me to come over.”
Her eyes glitter, as if piecing it all together as she nods her head.
Pursing my eyes at her, I feel the guilt I felt earlier settle in.
“Let me guess… you blew off your plans with him and met up with Mason?”
“Well, yeah… He has some stuff going on with his dad and he asked me to come by to talk. If you called me and told me you needed me, I would be there for you. You would do the same.”
Nodding her head along with me, I am getting the sneaky suspicion that while she knows it’s true, she’s not buying it.
“What’s with that?” I ask, waving at her.
“With what?”
“Your face. Why are you making that face at me?”
She twirls a loose strand of hair around her fingers. She normally does this when she’s deep in thought. It’s too late, or early, depending on how you look at it, for those thoughts.
“Brea, do you really believe what you’re saying right now?” she asks, her face serious as she changes the subject.
I feel the anger rise as I swallow what I want to say. I want to tell Lissa she’s full of shit and I’m over this conversation.
“Let me ask you something then. Have you ever thought about your relationship with Mason as being something more? Like, down the road when he grows the hell up?”
I would be lying if I said the thought hadn’t crossed my mind, but not since Kaleb and I started dating. I would never do something like that to Kaleb, especially after witnessing the heartbreak my dad’s actions had on my mom.
“Do you remember on New Year’s Day when you and Kaleb had planned to go out to dinner?”
As soon as it’s mentioned, I know where this conversation is going. Immediately, the guilt sits in my throat like a ball of cotton I can’t swallow.
Mason had called me after he got the call his dad was in jail the first time. I could tell he was still sporting a hangover from the night before. As soon as I heard his voice, I knew the guilt he felt over leaving his dad alone during the holidays was too much for him.
I apologized to Kaleb profusely but ultimately left him to be at Mason’s side.
“Will you stop!?” I mutter.
“I’m going to head to bed, but I think you should think about it. Look at it from Kaleb’s perspective. Every time Mason calls, you go running. You’re always there for him. I think the question you need to ask yourself is if something happened to you and the only two people you had to turn to were Kaleb or Mason, who would you choose?”
She doesn’t give me a chance to answer her question before she stands and walks out of the room.
I know what she’s thinking. She feels like I should turn to Kaleb. After seven months, I should be able to trust him enough to open myself up to him.
The truth is, I would turn to Mason. He knows me better than probably anyone and I trust him.
Every time I would choose him.