Chapter Eight

 

Coming around the far side of the barn, I found Cash’s family, mostly paired off. Even the twins were sitting together on a tree they were using as a bench. All were facing the side of the barn and a projector sat behind them.

“Movie night?” I asked, looking up at Cash with a cocked eyebrow.

“Yup. We do this once a month.”

He brought me over to a thick blanket already laid out, offered me a drink, and retrieved a water when I asked.

Once we were all settled, someone switched on the projector, which looked more like a spotlight attached to a DVD player. An old movie about a kid growing up in 1930s New York with his Jewish parents started up. At least that was what I made of it in the first fifteen minutes.

I started out sitting next to Cash with my legs folded in front of me. But they tingled like they were about to fall asleep, so I stretched them out, which led to me lying down with my head in Cash’s lap.

I didn’t even know how that happened.

Yet there I was lying perpendicular to him, my head on his thigh as he leaned back against a tree stump and gently ran a finger along my hairline.

I liked this.

Loved being with his family, loved spending time with him, and for another first, I allowed myself the idea that I could one day love him.

I’d steeled my heart so long ago that I didn’t think I’d ever be able to open myself up to anyone and there I was thinking I might be able to do that with him.

I… fuck… I wanted him.

I’d had lots of sex and a lot of different kinds of sex, but I actually wanted to be with him that way. Have him touching my body.

I squeezed my thighs together as a jolt of electricity shot through me just thinking about it and I shivered.

Cash leaned down close to my ear. “Cold?”

“Just a little chilly. I came unprepared.” Which wasn’t at all true. Well, a little. I had begun to feel the cool air, but it was the idea of him causing me to quake.

“Here.” He gently pushed me up. “I’ll be right back.”

He hopped up and jogged toward the house, which gave me the chance to take in his family once again. I also took the opportunity to slip my sandals off. They were comfortable but barefoot was better.

Lisa and Len sat in lawn chairs, close, side by side, their arms linked. They looked like a picture of an old married couple, which obviously they were, but they looked the part. Although I didn’t think they were that old.

Aiden sat back against a tree, much like Cash had been, but he had Haley tucked between his legs, her back against his chest. They were so comfortable with each other, I wondered how long they’d been together.

Brennan and Dakota were both lying on their stomachs next to each other. As I glanced over, Dakota whispered something to Brennan, who laughed silently, then leaned over for a soft, lingering kiss. It was the picture of a loving couple and it warmed my heart that no one seemed to notice or care.

If one of the three of us had been gay, our parents might’ve disowned us.

I couldn’t actually see where Dalton and Dante were and thought that could be dangerous. But then I caught a glimpse of them coming out of the house with Cash. Cash looked kind of annoyed, then shoved one of them (because no way could I tell them apart from that far away). The twins stumbled, but their laughter hit me before they got close enough for me to hear what was being said.

There was a lot of laughter and a lot of love in this family.

A lot of everything I’d never had before. I could get used to being around that type of feeling.

“Here ya go,” Cash said, wrapping a hoodie around my shoulders, then pulling me snugly into his side and tossing a blanket over me. The soft gray cotton was warm and smelled of him. I was going to do my best not to give this back.

Once the movie was over, we all worked together to get the yard back in order, then Len and Lisa said they had to get to bed. Farmers didn’t get the weekends off.

Dalton and Dante were the first to leave, off who-knew-where, Cash said. We pulled out of the driveway at the same time as Aiden and Haley.

Apparently, Brennan and Dakota were staying the night at their parents’ house before heading back to the city in the morning. This time when I was given several hugs goodbye, I didn’t cringe. I hugged back.

I learned something about myself that night. I could be me, the me I thought I actually was, and people would accept that. It was like turning over a new leaf. We didn’t talk much on the way back to my house.

I slid over into the middle spot on the bench seat in Cash’s truck so that I could hold his hand and lay my head on his shoulder. It wasn’t much, but it was more intimate than I’d ever been with someone.

“Did you have fun?” he asked when we turned onto my street.

I nodded my answer, punctuating it with a yawn.

“Good.” He released my hand so that he could put the truck in park.

Still, I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want my stupid mouth filled with stupid rambling words to ruin the night. I took a deep breath and then pushed myself up so I could reach his lips. I didn’t think I’d initiated a kiss even once, but I wanted to now and I was doing it.

I pressed my lips to his, sucking and coaxing him to open up so we could take it to the proper level. It didn’t take long for him to get the hint and respond appropriately.

As he held my face in his hands, I maneuvered my way around and climbed onto his lap. No shoes made this whole thing a lot easier.

As soon as I settled in, Cash grabbed a hold of my hips tightly. We stayed like that for a few minutes, kissing each other, but he groaned into my mouth when I moved against him.

I wanted this with him. Could feel that he wanted this with me.

Then he pulled away.

Fucking hell.

“What are you doing?” he asked, leaning far enough away to search my eyes for answers.

“I think you know,” I said back, moving my hips to accentuate the words and leaning back in to kiss him again.

He pulled away.

He fucking pulled away from me. Again.

That was something I was completely unprepared to handle. Now I knew how he felt all those times I’d done the same thing. And I hated it.

“Gemma,” he said softly. “I can’t do this.”

I gave him a little smirk, then rolled my hips against his hardness.

“I think you can.”

“That’s not what I meant.” He pulled back a little farther, turned his head slightly so I couldn’t reach his mouth, and pushed on my hips with enough force that I had to climb back over to the other side.

What the hell?

“Cash.” The burning already started behind my eyes. I could feel the tears filling them but hoped I could keep it together until I was inside the house.

Rejection sucked.

“Gemma, I don’t want to have a quickie with you in my truck.”

“Oh,” I said quietly, looking anywhere but him and kept those tears at bay. I hadn’t read the signs wrong. I hadn’t. I was the queen of sign-reading when it came to sex. So he was confusing the hell out of me.

“No. You don’t get to read into that,” he snapped. “I don’t want to have a quick fuck in my truck in front of your house like we’re in high school, Gemma.” He paused. Then he licked his lips and took a deep, calming breath before starting again. “I want you in a bed. Somewhere we don’t have to rush or worry about anyone else.”

Well, that was different. I always thought guys wanted sex anywhere and everywhere.

“I don’t want to fuck you,” he continued. “Not the first time at least. I want to make love to you, Gemma, because I’m thinking by the time we get there, I’ll be completely in love with you. Fuck, I’m halfway there already. You deserve more than this fucking truck. We deserve more.”

I heard the words he was saying, but all my brain took in was “No” and “Love” and “More.” All good words and he said them perfectly.

Just hours before I’d let myself imagine what it would be like to love him. But as he told me he’d been thinking about the same thing, this heavy weight settled on my chest. The one that I used to know intimately yet had become somewhat of a stranger to in the weeks since I’d met Cash.

The weight was back.

Anxiety and fear and everything my parents had done to me.

And it was taking over.

“I want to have sex with you,” I said because if I could get him to do that with me right then, I didn’t have to worry about the other stuff.

“No, Gemma,” he said softly.

“Fine.” I slid off him, grabbed my shoes, and hopped out of the truck before he had a chance to move.

I wanted him to drive away. But of course he didn’t. Of course he didn’t. Instead, he followed me up the steps, grabbed my arm and spun me around to face him.

“Gemma, come on.”

“No.” I cut him off. My brain was shorting out. This was all too much for me. “Just go, Cash. You’ve made your point, so go.”

“Something wrong here?” Sal asked from the sidewalk that ran in front of my house.

“Everything’s fine.” I glared at Cash, hoping he’d know to keep his mouth shut and leave.

Why wouldn’t he leave?

“Doesn’t look fine to me.” Gio suddenly appeared beside Sal.

I groaned and closed my eyes. Apparently, my entire life was meant to be on display.

Sal and Gio had never truly seen me out of control and I wasn’t even there yet, so I had no idea why they were acting weird about this.

This was between Cash and me.

“Look,” I said, bringing my face and voice back to the me they knew. Schooled. Controlled. “Everything’s fine. Cash was just leaving. You can all go back to your happy fucking lives.”

Yet Cash hadn’t let go of my arm. Gio noticed at that very moment and climbed the steps to stand closer to me, trying to be all intimidating. Which normally he was, but apparently, Cash was over that or didn’t care in the moment at least. Gio didn’t scare him away.

“Let go of her arm,” Gio said, as if Cash were a minor annoyance, then he folded his arms across his chest.

I rolled my eyes, but I doubted either of them saw it. The porch light was on, but it wasn’t very bright and neither of them were looking at me any longer. They were glaring at each other.

Yet I was becoming annoyed with my audience. Sal, Bianca, and Bailey were still on the sidewalk while Gio, Cash, and I were on the porch.

I wanted this over.

“I got your point, Cash. I understand. Fine.” I pulled my arm out of his grasp. He didn’t try to stop me. He never would’ve tried to stop me. “You don’t have to worry about me anymore.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He tried to take a step forward, but Gio made it clear that wasn’t a good idea by shouldering in between us.

“What’d you do to her?” Gio shuffled closer to Cash.

“Gio, you’re being an ass,” I snapped. “Look, it’s not a big deal. He doesn’t want to have sex with me. Fine, I get it. I wouldn’t want to have sex with me either. Now everybody, go home.” I’d gotten my door unlocked as I spazzed out and opened it.

This was ending.

“That’s not what I said, Gemma,” Cash called in after me.

“I’m so confused.” Gio sighed.

I slammed the door without looking back but could still hear them and didn’t understand why they couldn’t all go away. That was what I wanted. That was what I needed.

“What happened, Cash?” This time it was Bianca’s much more calming, not-at-all-intimidating voice.

“Yeah, you’d better start talking pretty fucking fast,” Gio growled.

“Gio, calm down.”

“I’ll calm down once this asshole explains why he was manhandling my sister.”

“Manhandling?” Cash yelled back with outrage.

“Both of you stop,” Bianca yelled. “Cash, you should probably start talking.”

“We had a great night with my family,” he said. “I was driving her home.”

“That’s not what it looked like on the porch,” Sal interjected. “What happened?”

Sal’s voice was suddenly closer. I assumed he’d joined the other guys on the porch.

“I swear,” Gio said roughly. “If you hurt her—”

“Hurt her? Me not fucking her in my truck isn’t hurting her.”

“What?” Gio snapped.

“Gio, calm down,” Bianca urged. “Let him speak.”

There was some more shuffling, then Cash began again.

“She wanted to have sex in my truck. I didn’t. I don’t want that. I want to make love to her, not hit-it-and-quit-it type shit. I turned her down; she freaked out.”

Who tells a girl’s big, scary older brother not only that he wanted to have sex with said brother’s sister but also how?

My legs didn’t hold me up inside the house anymore. I slid down the door until my ass hit the floor.

“Fuck,” Gio muttered, still loud enough for me to hear.

“I didn’t do anything to her. I was trying to stop her from running. Now maybe I shouldn’t have tried, but I am falling in love with your sister and wasn’t about to let her slip through my fingers.”

Gio was going to back off because I was the one in the wrong. Hearing Cash say those things to Sal and Gio without any shame or hesitation and with a little distance from the rejection and even I knew I was wrong.

They all thought it. I knew it. Yet I couldn’t stop what was happening inside me.

He’d tried to stop me from running, which meant I’d run again, even after I’d told him if I got the urge, we’d talk instead.

I was so stupid.

This angry, scared swirl of self-consciousness and doubt was becoming a crushing, debilitating feeling of rejection and sadness.

Their voices muffled like they were finally walking away so I couldn’t make out what more they said. I dropped my head into my hands. The one time I actually wanted something and this is what happened. My feelings were all over the place with anger at myself, annoyance with my upbringing, just everything and all at once.

It fucking sucked.

I was about to lock up and crawl into my bed with the plan to hide out for the rest of my life when someone knocked on the door above my head. I froze and couldn’t bring myself to look out the window because I wasn’t sure I wanted to know if it was Cash.

So instead, I ignored it. Like a grown up.

“Gemma.” My brother’s voice came through the door like a sledgehammer. “Open the fucking door. We’re coming in either way.”

Still I sat there.

Then I was moving. Fuck.

I hadn’t locked the door and Gio pushed against it, sliding me across the floor on my ass. Once he could fit his body through the opening he’d created, he was inside with Sal following behind him. I half-expected the girls to be hot on their trail, but Sal shut the door and no one else entered.

“Come on.” Gio lifted me by one arm until I was on my feet, then he dragged me into the living room and dropped me onto the couch.

The curtains were open.

I couldn’t help the disappointment I felt when I glanced outside and Cash’s truck was gone. But there was relief at the same time.

“What happened?” Gio asked.

“Pretty sure you got the entire picture,” I said, still staring out the window. “In full detail.”

“From him. Not from you.” Sal took a seat in the chair closest to me.

I figured Gio had dropped me on the couch strategically. He sat next to me, turned slightly to face me with Sal on the other side. I was caged in. I hated feeling caged in. The last thing I wanted to talk to them about was my messed-up sex life. Or theirs for that matter.

Just, ugh, no thanks.

“Gemma,” Gio prodded sternly.

Rolling my eyes, I said, “Fine. What he said. Can I go to bed now?” I lifted my ass off the cushion two inches when Gio snagged my arm and yanked me back down.

“What he said to you about… everything… that makes him a good guy.” As Gio spoke, he wasn’t looking at me. His eyes darted around the room with the same intensity as my cheeks burned.

This was new family territory.

When we’d been working for my parents, we hadn’t talked about what we’d been doing. We’d all had a vague idea since it was the same kind of work, but we’d never once spoken about sex or the specifics. The thought of doing so now turned my stomach.

“Why did you freak out?” Sal asked softly.

“Haven’t you?” I gave him a hard look. “Or you for that matter?” I turned that glare on my brother. “I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure I heard a story about how you turned Bianca down the first time you almost had sex. And Sal, let’s be real, you basically called Bailey a whore every chance you got. We’re all pretty fucked-up.”

“Can’t argue with that.” Sal sat back in his chair to stare at the ceiling and rubbed a hand over his forehead.

I cringed on the inside.

Sal loved Bailey more than anything in the world and still had horrible guilt over how he’d treated her when they’d first met. He sure as hell didn’t need me to remind him of that. I should’ve kept my mouth shut.

“Ok,” Gio started.

We were on the verge of losing it right there in my living room. I could feel it. The anger, embarrassment, everything churning all at once.

“But why would fucking some guy in a truck be better than what he wanted?” Gio asked. “That’s why I pulled away from Bianca that night. I couldn’t let her be one of the many and I had to make sure we both knew that. Since I couldn’t tell her how we met, I sure as fuck couldn’t explain anything. So I stopped. Now, your turn.”

“Fucking some guy in a truck is what I know, Gio.” I may have yelled out a little loudly. Both of them cringed. I’d definitely given them a visual, but they were the ones who’d wanted all this open honesty. “I don’t know how to do the other stuff. I spent the evening with his family and they’re great.”

I hopped up and this time neither stopped me. I needed to move, so I paced back and forth in front of my window. If I didn’t move, I’d cry. Hell, I might cry anyway.

“They’re the family that I dreamed of having when we were kids,” I said. “And maybe you did, too. But I don’t fit in with them and as soon as Cash figures that out, even if I don’t tell him about all the shit I’ve done, I’ll be yesterday’s trash. I wanted to have this experience with him first, all right. For me.”

The guys jumped to their feet before I finished, startling me and making me stumble back. They were kind of scaring me with how aggressive they’d reacted.

“You are not yesterday’s trash, Gemma,” Gio yelled back. “You never could be. I can’t promise that you and Cash are going to ride off into the sunset and be a forever kind of thing, but you are more. You deserve more.”

“I don’t.” I shook my head because those guys didn’t understand. They couldn’t. I hated what I was about to say before I even formed the words, but for them to understand and leave me alone, I still had to say it. “You two did things to women, right?”

“You know we did,” Gio said, but he looked unsure of what he was about to hear.

“I was used, Gio. That was my job. I had to lay there and let random dudes use me until they decided they were done.”

“Fuck,” Gio muttered as he closed his eyes. He leaned over and braced his hands on his knees, then took several deep breaths before righting himself.

Sal’s entire body tightened and he held a hand over his mouth.

Both looked ready to come out of their skin.

“So you two may have done things to women, but I had them done to me. And I promise that you were a hell of a lot nicer to those women than those men were to me.”

The two were totally different. I hated to put those images in their heads, but if they had any hope of understanding where I’d come from, they had to know.

Tension formed between us like brick walls isolating us from one another.

“You can’t let what our parents made us do define you. Doesn’t matter what you did, Gemma. I’ve done that,” Sal finally said. “It’s a shitty way to live.”

“Yeah?” I snapped. “And how did you figure that out?”

“Bailey.”

The silence after that last word hung in the air. Yesterday’s soggy laundry bringing the line down would’ve weighed less.

“That’s exactly it,” I said quietly as a tear streaked down my cheek. “You have Bailey. And you”—I looked over to Gio—“have Bianca. I have no one.”

I was figuring everything out on my own and they were trying to tell me how to live. All because they’d fallen in love with those girls before having to navigate this new world alone. And they’d fallen so easily.

Why couldn’t I have fallen in love with Cash like that? I knew the answer. Because I’d hardened myself to the idea of love, to a guy I could love, and I doubted they’d thought about it beforehand.

“You guys should go,” I said after too much silence. “I’m fine. Promise.”

“I don’t believe you,” Gio said immediately. “Come here.” He went back to the couch and patted the cushion in the middle. I reluctantly sat back down, then Sal dropped beside me.

They caged me in between them again.

“We need to talk about something that none of us want to talk about,” Gio began. He took a deep breath, then blew it out slowly. “We don’t need to know all the details of what each other has done. Not if we don’t want to.” He swallowed hard. “But maybe that’s something we should consider. Maybe it would help you to put it out there.”

My eyes grew wide. That idea didn’t appeal to me in the slightest.

“We don’t have to, but we should try to get comfortable with the idea.”

“We wouldn’t talk about our sex lives if we’d grown up in a normal family,” I said.

“But Sal and I can give you something our parents never could.”

My eyebrows shot up as I watched him.

“A little perspective.” He looked away. “You know how you hear that there’s a difference between having sex and making love?” he asked, still not looking directly at me and I was thankful for that.

I didn’t want his eyes on me if this was the subject he was on. But I nodded and he somehow knew I had.

“Those people are so fucking right, Gemma. I’m a guy. Having sex with those random women felt good physically.”

I groaned and shook my head. I really didn’t want to hear about it.

“I’m not going to lie about that or anything else. But being with Bianca… That blows my fucking mind every single time.”

“He speaks the truth,” Sal added after letting Gio do the heavy lifting for most of this.

Although I had my doubts as to whether the random sex actually felt good to Sal the way it had for Gio. For Sal, sex always seemed a little dirtier. And not in the good dirty sort of way I’d heard about.

“I love that girl more than I ever even knew possible. And that scared the shit out of me,” Gio said softly with the most vulnerability I’d ever seen him wear.

“I made Bailey break up with me once.”

I swing my head in Sal’s direction. I didn’t know as much about their lives as I thought I did.

Sal shrugged. “She said she’d walk away if it got to be too much for me and it did. So I told her to go.”

“And she did?”

He nodded. “She promised me. That was worse than anything else I’ve ever done. Coming back here. Seeing her. Not being able to touch her or call her whenever I wanted. That’s not something I want to relive ever in my life.”

Gio closed his eyes briefly and fidgeted with his hands. This conversation was happening and we were all incredibly uncomfortable with it.

“Is that it, Gemma?” Gio finally glanced over at me. “Are you falling in love with Cash? Is that why you’re freaked out? Because if it is, I’m here to tell you, you can’t let the people who raised us ruin the rest of your life. You’ve got to grasp at something that makes you happy and you’ve never been as happy as you have been since you started seeing Cash.”

“He’s a good guy, Gemma.” Sal rubbed my shoulder. “If you want to be with him, you need to jump and not look back. But if you don’t want to be with him, cut the guy loose. Because there’s not a doubt in my fucking mind that he’s falling for you.”

I thought about that as tears pooled in my eyes.

What did I want? I wanted Cash, clearly, but I wasn’t so sure I had it in me to let him in fully. To thaw my heart out and take that chance.

“He knows something is wrong with me,” I whispered.

“Nothing is wrong with you,” Gio stressed.

“But he knows… he thinks I was sexually abused or something, even though I told him I wasn’t.”

“You were.”

I rolled my eyes with a sigh. “You know what I mean. He thinks I was raped. I’m sure of it.”

“So tell him.”

I gasped. “Gio. I can’t tell him. He’d walk away in a second.”

“Then he’s not the guy for you. The right guy is going to love you despite everything you think you’ve done wrong in your life.”

Sal nodded his agreement. “Or maybe even because of it. That shit was horrible, don’t get me wrong, but it’s made you who you are. And while, sure, there are things you need to work on, I’m willing to bet not a damn soul will ever be able to take advantage of you. Or pull one over on you.”

“When did you two assholes turn into such girls?” I teased.

Sal laughed. “The day we figured out exactly how fucked-up our lives were.”

“I’ll think about what you’ve said,” I finally said.

That seemed to satisfy them.

Before they left, each of the big guys gave me a hug, holding on to me a little longer than they normally would. It was almost midnight by then and I was exhausted, so I quickly combed out my hair, one of the hard-to-die habits, and went right to sleep.