Chapter 47
Apparently my unborn child needs to be registered for childcare right now, or else the world as we know it will crash to an explosive, fiery end. At least that’s what Gracie’s saying on the other end of this phone call.
Because I wasn’t overwhelmed enough by this pregnancy as it is.
“So let me get this straight. You want me to sign up my 12-week-old fetus for daycare?” It still sounds ridiculous as I repeat it out loud for the third time. I kick the covers off of my legs and lie back against the pillows on the bottom bunk of the double-decker bed Daniel and I used to share when we spent our summer vacations with grams. It’s hot as hell in this house.
“It’s not too early, Sammie,” my sister-in-law says sternly. I can imagine the frown lines on her forehead as she speaks. “In fact, it may be too late.”
I sigh in frustration as I roll onto my feet and pad over to the full-length mirror on the closet door. “Ok...gottcha.” I stroke my hand over my belly.
Wow, the kid isn’t even here yet and I’ve already failed at parenting. Fun times.
To be honest, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I’m pregnant to begin with. Every day, I cringe at the possibility that my baby may have been conceived in the filthy bathroom of Flynn and Murray’s dive bar or on the kitchen counter of my parents’ house or…Ugh! How could I have been so reckless?
Gracie’s voice interrupts my moment of self-pity. “Have you told Keeland yet?”
My hands get clammy at the idea of speaking to Keeland again. I’ve avoided his phone calls and text messages since the night that I confronted him with his letter from the corrections board. I’m not ready to face him. I don’t know when I’ll be ready. But eventually, he’ll find out that I’m pregnant and he’ll have questions that he has every right to have answered.
He’s no longer just the hot guy next door, my childhood crush. He’s the father of my baby.
“So, you’re just gonna shut him out forever? Because he has a criminal record? Don’t you think that’s a bit — I don’t know — shallow? I mean, you haven’t even given him a chance to explain.”
I grunt. “You don’t understand, Gracie. So, please don’t judge.” I run my hand over my tiny bulge again. An odd mixture of warmth and anxiety rolls through me at the thought of the tiny, new life growing inside.
“Well explain it to me, then.”
I exhale harshly. “The problem isn’t that he went to jail or that he made a mistake. The problem is that he didn't think he could talk to me about it. He hid it from me. How am I supposed to trust that when the going gets tough next time, he won’t hide his problems from me, or worse, disappear into thin air again? He’s broken my heart once. I couldn’t just sit around and let him break it again.”
She grunts. “Look honey, set your feelings for Keeland aside for a moment, because this isn’t just about the two of you anymore. There’s a baby involved. A baby who’s gonna need as much love as he can get. This baby deserves the chance to have a dad and Keeland deserves the chance to be this kid’s dad. Regardless of how he’s hurt you…During the worst moments, when I feel like I absolutely hate Daniel, I look at him playing with Sebastian, and just for a moment, I fall in love with him all over again. That’s the magic of a baby, Sammie. You have no right to deprive Keeland of that gift.”
Fuck – I think she might be right. This baby is an innocent party here and I can’t just keep him a secret from his father. “Look — I’ll tell him, okay? I just need time to…process it first.”
“I don’t know Keeland too well, but he seems like a good guy, a guy who would want to be there throughout this experience. I remember the way Daniel would rub my sore feet and make me weird smoothies to tame my cravings and pick up tiny baby clothes on the way home from work when I was pregnant. Don’t rob Keeland of the opportunity to be there for you and his kid. It’s not fair to him.” It almost sounds like Gracie is tearing up on the other end.
My mind flips back to the conversation that Keeland and I had the night when he came over to help me babysit Sebastian. I remember him saying how much he wanted a family and stability. I remember the look on his face as he’d spoken about wanting to settle down.
I wonder if he still wants those things now. With me. Emotions strangle my heart each time I think about it.
I wonder how he’s doing. If he misses me. The way I miss him. My pride won’t let me call him to find out. I’ve wanted to ask Daniel how his friend is holding up but my brother is so mad at me since he found out that I’m pregnant. He won’t even talk to me, and if he did, he’d probably tell me that Keeland isn’t his friend anymore.
Damn — I’ve fucked everything up.
But I’m an adult and I’ve got to fix it.
My fingers touch the tattoo sitting in the space beneath my collarbone.
Compassion.
Maybe I should cut Keeland some slack. Maybe he deserves some compassion.
“Okay, Gracie. I need to talk to Keeland sooner rather than later."
I hear her sigh with relief. “It’s the right thing to do, Sam.”
I know in my heart that she’s right. But I need time.
Just a few days to clear my head.