LIZ
Ros sits across from me at the dinner table, buried under a stack of mostly completed homework and piles of books. Sean will be here in twenty minutes for our dinner date, and Ros has plans, so we got homework knocked out early.
“Can you believe we are only one summer away from officially starting at Emory?” she says, looking up from her notes.
"I know, it’s crazy. I can’t believe we’ll be juniors.” I beam.
We are six weeks from finals, which means we are in the thick of ‘suck’ as we finalize all of our projects and begin exam preparations. Ros had to do an externship at the local hospital as a requirement to enter Emory’s nursing program, and she’s finally on her last week.
“Do you think we can request to be put in the same dorm room?” I ask.
“You actually want to live in the dorms?”
“Yeah, why not?”
“I don’t know, after having my own space for so long, I don’t think I could stay crammed in a dorm,” she says.
My brows crease as I consider her words.
“Come on, Liz. Will you be my roommate in Atlanta?” She grins.
I pretend to think it over, as she holds her grin. She knows that I won’t room with anyone but her, it’s always been our plan.
“Of course, I will,” I squeal, and we dance in our seats, as the excitement of our pending journey settles in.
A few minutes later, Ros receives a text and I watch as a flood of emotions roll over her face. At first her eyes bug out of her head, she stops breathing, then she exhales deep, and bites her bottom lip holding back a smile.
She’s blushing.
When she notices me watching her, she clears her throat and straightens her face.
“Um, what was that?” I chuckle. “Are you still hanging out with Ty?”
I stare at her, brows raised.
“No. That was only a one-time thing.”
“Okay then, who’s text got your head looking like a lightbulb?”
“Shut up.” Her blush deepens, and she throws an eraser at me.
I laugh.
“It’s just weird and crazy and…” She smiles, shaking her head, “It’s too soon to talk about.”
I shrug.
“Well…”
“Well, how’s Chris?” she asks, cutting me off. We have a mini stare down, and she knows I’m on to her, but after a beat, I concede. I know she will tell me eventually.
“He’s great. We have plans for this weekend.” I smile.
“When don’t you two have plans for the weekend?” she teases.
I don’t answer, not verbally anyway. Instead I give her a mixture of a smile, a shrug, and a shake of the head, that I’m not sure I even know the meaning of.
“Uh huh,” she says. “Hey, Kesha had a good point the other day. Why don’t you ever bring him here?”
“I don’t know. I guess it’s like we are in our own little bubble in his room, one that I never want to leave.”
Ros doesn’t laugh with me; instead, she holds a serious expression.
“What? I’m kidding.”
“Are you?”
“Yes.”
I’m not laughing now.
“Liz, I’ve never seen you smile or laugh as much as you do when you’re with Chris.”
“Ros,” I sigh, dismissively.
“No, hear me out. You are a total different person with Chris. When you’re with Sean, you’re tense and soft spoken. You run around trying to please him.”
I roll my eyes and stand.
“You become what he wants you to be. I don’t understand why you are so stuck to him, why you can’t see past him!” her voice is louder, and she follows me into my room.
“I don’t want to talk about this Ros.”
“All you TALK about is Chris, you smile anytime someone asks you about him. Why are you fighting so hard for Sean? Clearly he isn’t fighting for you!” she yells.
I stop in my tracks in front of my bed, my back still to her. My heart feels weighed down, and I fight hard against the threatening tears.
“Sean is the best fit for me. He’s smart and—”
“No,” she cuts me off, “I don’t what to hear the ‘Awesome Sean Shit List’ that you spit out every chance you get. I want to hear what truly makes him the one.”
My feet feel as if they are burning a hole in the carpet beneath me. With slumped shoulders and nails digging into my palms, I grit my teeth and turn to face her.
“Ros, I love you. I love you for worrying about me, but I know what I’m doing. I know who I need. I love Sean, he is the best type of guy for me. I like Chris, but he’s just a guy I fuck. Nothing more and nothing less.”
An unexpected wave of guilt washes over me. Why did it hurt to say that?
Ros stares at me unblinking.
“Who are you trying to convince, Liz?”
I sigh and shake my head, diverting my eyes from hers, she doesn’t get it.
My phone chimes in my pocket.
SEAN: Outside.
“I’ve got to go,” I say. I step past Ros, walk down the hall, and out of the house.
Sean and I walk into Fryers Café ten minutes later, it’s only a few blocks from my house, so we got here quickly. I try my best to smile, even though, Ros has really gotten under my skin. What the hell does she expect me to say? That I’m going to give up on Sean? Completely embarrass myself and declare my feelings for Chris? No, not only would that make me the worst fuck buddy in history, it’s not what we are doing. We are doing simple, fun and no heart strings.
Anyways, Sean seems good, happy; maybe this date will get us somewhere.
“You look nice,” he says.
“So do you.”
We are seated, and we order quickly. Sean and I pretty much have the menu memorized as we used to come here every Friday when we were together. We make small talk about the memories while we wait for our food.
I smile as he reminisces about the time the restaurant had to give every customer their entire meal for free due to a faulty sprinkler system. I pretend to listen as I dig deep searching for my words. I can’t punk out, we need to have this conversation. Look at where it’s got me, in this confusing ass situation with Chris. I can’t deny how much I loving hanging out with him, but maybe it’s turning into a bigger problem than I expected. Hell, if Ros is starting to notice my affections toward Chris then maybe it’s becoming toxic.
Dinner is over, before my courage starts to build. I have been the awkward one for a change, but when he asks me to dance, I don’t decline.
Sean places his arms around me as we sway. My brain recognizes his touch, but my heart seems to have forgotten it. The usual pounding isn’t there and instead I’m feeling sort of uncomfortable, as if he isn’t doing it right. My heart doesn’t smile for him. I slide his hands a little further down my back as we sway, desperately trying to find my comfort against him. When I shimmy, he tenses.
“What are you doing?” he whispers.
“Sliding your hand down into a better position.”
“Well, if they get any lower I’d be groping you.”
“Haha, and what’s wrong with that?” I tease.
“It’s inappropriate, we are in public.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry.”
We dance a few more minutes, but his movements are stiff and tight. He’s tense, and I’ve made him angry.
“I’m sorry, Liz, I can’t do this,” he says, stepping away.
“What? You don’t want to dance?”
“No. I just,” he sighs, looks away, then he grabs my hand and leads me back to the table.
I’m annoyed as shit and it gives me all the courage I need.
“What’s been going on with you? I mean I get we broke up and we are trying to. No, what exactly are we doing, Sean? Sometimes you seem happy to be with me but other times…” I trail off.
He sighs and hands me my purse, his way of telling me that we are leaving.
I walk behind him quickly, continuing my questions as we push into the parking lot.
“Are we working toward something or are we working away from it? Because I don’t know how much more I can take.”
Sean swallows hard, and opens the car door for me to get in.
I’m boiling at this point, and if he doesn’t say something, he will not like what I turn into.
He quietly enters the car, starts the ignition, and pulls onto the street.
I wait in total annoyance as he takes his time responding. The car behind us beeps as Sean hesitates at the green light.
“Liz, you’re right, I’m sorry,” he says in a low voice.
My brows rise as I stare a hole in the side of his face.
“It’s never the right time. Every time I see you I tell myself, ‘Today is the day, how much fucking worst can it get, right?’ But I can never bring myself to do it.”
The expression on his face is pained and he stares at the road ahead.
“I’ve already fucked stuff up so badly, this part should be easy. Then I look at you and all of your hope and love and I just can’t, I fucking can’t.”
My throat goes completely dry as I absorb his words.
“Afterward, I somehow convince myself that if we have just one more good day I’ll be able to do it then,” he finishes with a heavy sigh.
“Sean what are you talking about?” I ask with zero confidence. He’s scaring the hell out of me and I’m not sure I want to know the answer.
He glances at me as he pulls in front of my house.
“I’ll call you,” he says getting out of the car.
“No, fuck that!” I say.
He walks over and opens my door.
“No! Tell me what is going on!” I demand, standing to face him. He shuts the door behind me and turns heading back toward his door.
“You can NOT keep walking away from me! Tell me already!” I don’t care that I’m yelling at him in the middle of the parking lot. I don’t care that my neighbors probably think I’m crazy and I’m making a total fool out of myself.
“Don’t make a scene, Liz!” Sean warns. “I said I’ll call you.”
“FUCK THAT!” I say louder.
Sean stalks toward me, so quickly, that I’m startled when he reaches at me.
“Just stop! You are acting like a child!”
“And you are acting like an asshole!”
His eyes burn with anger and frustrations and for a split second, I think he may tell me. My eyes swell with tears as I try to prepare myself for what, only God knows, but he hesitates. His anger is slowly taken over by pain and I watch the walls come back up.
“I know how much it hurt you. I know what it did. I’m sorry I’m being selfish, but I’m having a hard time choosing when I want you to go from loving me, to wishing I was dead,” he says dropping his gaze from mine.
“What?!”
“I won’t put you through this anymore, but I’m not ready to have the conversation that will make you hate me.”
I stand unmoving, searching for understanding.
Hate him?
“Sean, I could never hate you.”
Sean doesn’t speak again; he just kisses me on the forehead, gets in his car and drives away.
The next evening, Chris, and I are headed to the beach with Ros following in the car behind us. She decided to rent a car for the weekend because she will be leaving in the morning to meet her father in Hilton Head, just a little over an hour away. Chris pulls into a gas station and parks at the pump. The pungent smell of seaweed is in the air letting me know we are close. Chris gets out of the car to pump gas and I go to check on Ros who is parked right behind us.
“So, he remembers to buy beer but forgets to fill up?” Ros says, sarcastically.
“Yup,” I laugh and jump into the passenger seat. “I can’t believe we live this close to the beach and never come out here. It’s been so long.”
“Close? We’ve been driving forever,” she says.
“Still. When is the last time we’ve been to the beach?”
“Years.”
“Yeah, too damn long.”
Chris waves at us and I shut the door, as Ros pulls forward to follow him back onto the street.
Ros smiles as she looks around.
I smile too and gaze at the endless line of tourist attractions. Groups of people carrying bags and large grins, dressed in barley there beach wear and flip flops litter the streets. We continue down the street passing various hotels and beach houses mostly with lit lights indicating they are full with no vacancies. I really hope Chris’ friend booked ahead for his party.
“Okay, now I’m getting excited,” Ros says, as she shifts to stop at red light. The buildings with large signs and oversize windows are slowly being replaced by one and two story homes with manicured lawns and rich wooden patios.
“So, remember when we went to Chris’ house for the first time, and we were so worried about it being a house full of kinky strippers with condom dispensers and orgies?” she says.
“Yeah?” I say.
“What if THIS is the house party full of kinky strippers and orgies? What if they got the whole ‘nude sex beach’ thing going on? Or what if it’s ‘pound town’ in the living room and you have to complete three blowjobs before you can get a drink?”
I narrow my eyes at her. “No, don’t start filling my head with your craziness.”
A big grin takes over Ros’ face, and I can tell she’s trying not to laugh. I look away from her in my own attempt to do the same.
She does a spit take, and that’s all it takes, fits of laughter echo through the car as we make our way through the neighborhood.
Ros and I are laughing so hard that we don’t notice when Chris’ car comes to a stop in front of us.
“SHIT!”
I jerk forward violently as Ros brakes hard turning the wheel to avoid rear ending Chris, and the drink sitting in the cup holder spills into my lap.
“Holy Shit!” Ros says, once she gets the car at a stop.
Ros’ car landed next to Chris’ car in the turning lane and luckily no one was in that lane. I look at Ros, her chest heaving still sporting the ‘What the Fuck’ face, then my eyes land on Chris who’s now peering into Ros’ window.
“Y'all alright?” his voice seeps in as Ros rolls the window down.
“Yes, we’re okay,” I say.
“I’m sorry, Chris,” Ros says.
“We are almost there, try not to hit anything,” Chris says flashing us a grin as he rushes back to his car.
Twenty minutes later Chris leads us onto a dirt road. After a few feet the road ends at a gate and we watch as Chris rolls his window down and speak into a box.
What in the hell is this?
“We’re here,” I squeal.
The road weaves through a row of trees that feels like it goes on forever. The darkness is heavy with the smell of salt and ocean and I swear I can almost hear the waves. Finally a clearing shows ahead.
“Holy hell, Liz, is this guy rich?” Ros asks in astonishment. I follow her gaze to the biggest house I have ever seen.
It looks like a fucking mini resort with its own private section on the beach.
“Chris this house is amazing!” I gush.
“What is this guy a super stripper or something?” Ros says with a chuckle.
Chris laughs, “Nah, lucky fuck created an app and sold it for a couple million, we grew up together, he’s cool.”
“Seriously, you invite me to a millionaire beach mansion with no warning,” Ros says yelling at him.
“Haha. Well, that’s what you get for thinking all my friends are strippers!”
“Umm. Buddy. Have you met your friends?”
We all laugh.
As we walk toward the entrance the smell of the sea deadens a bit and the smell of sizzling meat takes over. Hunger cuts through my core and my anticipation heightens even more.
Damn I hope these people aren’t snooty.
Maybe I should have bought a fancier bikini.
Yeah, I might be with Ros. I’m kicking Chris’ ass for not warning us.
We follow Chris through the door and, immediately, we are met by a guy, soaking wet and dripping water from his swim shorts.
“Aye Chris!” Drippy says reaching past me to give Chris a man hug.
“Big Tony! How you been?” Chris howls.
“I’m good, man. Happy you made it,” he turns his gaze to Ros and me. We all exchange introductions and follow him through the house. I try hard not to be obvious as I ogle every room with wonder. I can’t wait to get ‘lost going to the bathroom’ and I create a mental note to coordinate a bathroom break with Ros so we can go explore. The living room hosts a window that expands across the entire wall, outside of it sits a large deck and beyond that, the moonlight beach.
“There’s a food spread out on the buffet table but everyone is at the pool. Oh and,” he stops and abruptly turns to face Chris, “things are tense between Ty and Shauna. Why didn’t y’all tell me they broke up? I sent her invite out on FB personally since last year she ate my head off for inviting her through Ty. I wouldn’t have fucking invited her if I knew they broke up.”
Chris’ jaw clenches and he briefly glances over at Ros, “Fuck. You’re serious? She’s here?”
I look up at Ros who is seemingly unaffected. The guys go on talking about how uncomfortable Ty has been, and eventually, Tony stops in between two doors pointing out our bedrooms. I nod to Chris letting him know I was going to talk to Ros and we disappear behind one of the doors.
I stand against the door and stare a hole through her, as I wait for her to react; she doesn’t immediately so I begin changing into my suit.
The room is large and beautiful. It has a modern layout just like the rest of the home, with stone floors, a large his and her bathroom, a private patio and an area rug that probably cost more that everything I own.
“Wow, how awkward this will be,” I say as I adjust my girls in my bikini top.
“Nah, it won’t be,” Ros says, dismissively.
How in the hell can she be so cool right now?
If I knew I had to spend the evening swimming and mingling with Chris’ ex-girlfriend, I’d lose it. I’d probably be so awkward it would be painfully obvious we are sleeping together.
“Sorry to tell you, Rossy, but this has every sign of being a horribly awkward situation,” I chuckle.
“I can see if Ty and I were dating, but we are just friends. I don’t think it will be awkward at all. Plus, it wasn’t an ongoing thing, it was a hookup.” She checks her hair and the fit of her swimsuit in the large bathroom mirror.
A knock sounds at the bedroom door and we are out of the room and heading toward the sounds of laughter and splashing. I can’t wait to relax in the water, get a drink and curl up next to Chris, this night will be gold.
“Ros, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know they were still together,” Chris says, before he’s cut off.
“CHRIS! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!”
I hear a woman’s screeching voice. My eyes follow the sound, and at first, it lands on Ty who pales when his own eyes land on Ros, then my eyes land on the girl. She is tall and thin with brown skin and green eyes, she gorgeous and she is pissed!
Shauna storms past the small crowd of on-lookers, who now is focused on us. The steady slapping of her wet feet, echoes across the pool surround, as she bounds straight up to Chris. Ros and I take a step back and Ty moves in behind her looking apologetic.
“Fuck,” Chris whispers.
“You fucking knew it! I was just at your house, Chris, we were supposed to be friends!” she yells.
“Come on, Shauna, it isn’t his fault,” Ty pleads. “Let’s take this in the other room.”
“No, fuck that!” she yells.
“He was cheating on me, Chris, at your house!” Her voice breaks a little and Chris grimaces.
“Yeah, he got caught because JJ had my friend over, and she told me all about it,” she clenches her fist and huffs out a deep breath.
She looks like she’s about to lose it.
“I’m sorry. Shauna. It wasn’t my place to tell you,” Chris says, solemnly.
“Wasn’t your place? Really? So you didn’t have a problem with letting him use your place to meet his little fuck buddies, but now you’re suddenly a saint. Oh it’s not my place… fuck you! You were protecting your boy and that’s it!”
She’s crying now.
“Come on, Shauna. Let’s step outside so we don’t ruin Tony’s party,” Ty pleads again.
“No!” she says, frantically wiping her eyes. “I’m leaving; I just wanted to see this piece of SHIT friend first.”
She stares daggers at Chris.
Ty puts his hand on her shoulder, and as fast as I can blink, she lands a slap to his face that echoes through the room, then she turns and walks out. His eyes follow her as she leaves.
Chris shoots Ty a cold look as he passes him.
He begins walking past Ros and I, and just before he disappears through the door, he locks eyes with her and mouths, “I’m sorry,” Ros’ eyes silently follow him as he leaves.
The room doesn’t move. Shit, I think the water is even still and no one says a word, everyone just stares in our direction.
“Okay. Now shit is awkward,” Ros whispers.
The night goes on and eventually the tension decreases but bikinis, abs and alcohol can pretty much loosen up any crowd given enough time. The three of us mingle with the crowd, Ros even finds herself dealing with a few admirers, surprisingly, she brushes them all off. I guess with the chance that Ty could come back to the party, she decided she’s had enough awkward for one night. Chris, Ros, and I spend most of our time playing in the water and taking shots with Tony.
A few hours and way too many shots later, I watch Chris as he smiles at me from the bar. I’m lying on a beach chair next to Ros, who just told me that she’s headed to her room. Chris laughs as he takes another drink with a group of his friends, all whose names I’ve forgotten, and continues talking. From behind, a girl in a strapless bikini runs her hand up his back and across his shoulder, he turns to her smiling at first but the smile falls from his lips once he makes eye contact. She doesn’t notice, and she squeezes in next to him, running her hand up his thigh. Chris lightly grabs her hand, placing it back to her side, and says something that causes her to stomp away.
The jealously and instant urge to throw her into the pool fades as I watch him turn back to his friends and continue talking. My heart races, as I try to grasp my running thoughts. Thoughts that I shouldn’t be having, thoughts that are over taking me. I’m unable to explain what I feel in this moment, what I wanted to shout to the bitch in the strapless suit.
“He’s mine.”