LIZ
Week one with no Chris was uncomfortable, week two has been unbearable. Chris is in love with me and it felt so good to hear him say it. I wanted to cry and kiss him but run and scream at the same time.
I guess I kind of did a little of both.
It’s been exactly fifteen days since I last kissed him, felt my heart smile. It’s been fifteen horrible fucking days of walking around more numb and dejected than I have since the day Della died. I know it’s for the best, but I miss him so damn much. Sean still hasn’t reached out; I don’t know what to do about him. I don’t know what I’m doing period. I should have never listened to Brooke and her crazy theories about love. I should have just stayed away from it all. I can’t say I’m better off now than I was when I stayed in bed.
I haven’t gone for a run, I’m barely sleeping, I’m on total robot mode. I go to school, I eat, I rinse and fucking repeat. Ros and Tank have been driving me crazy since I’ve been skipping lunch. They made me promise to sit with them today, so, here I am. In a courtyard full of annoying students, in the annoying sun, with the annoying birds, heading to the annoying café.
Ros has texted me three times in the past twenty minutes asking where I am. Better late than never right? I don’t know, maybe I need my friends; it may brighten my spirits some.
“Aye Zee. Bout time,” Tank greets me with a smile.
Ros is sitting next to him, clutching a strawberry smoothie. I offer a grin, and slide in the booth opposite them.
“What’s going on, hunny?” she asks.
“Nothing. Class ran a little late,” I lie.
Ros narrows her eyes, but before she can question me, I start talking.
“So, Tank, what’s going on in your world?”
"Well, I’ve been considering applying to Emory for spring semester. They have a great Biopharmaceutical program.”
“That’s great!” I say, “I thought you were taking a year off.”
“I had planned on it, but I figured with you two leaving, why not just get it the hell over with.”
I smile at him. I hated the idea that the three of us would be split up next year.
“So, what’s up with y’all? No crazy shit for a change?” Tank asks, taking a large bite from his burger.
“Funny,” Ros says. Tank nudges her and she laughs.
“Lizzie, tomorrow I have a dentist appointment and they are giving me the laughing gas. Will you go with me?” Ros says.
“You better go Zee. Remember what happened the last time she had the gas? She drooled like a St. Bernard and scared all the neighbors,” he laughs.
I can’t help but laugh, as Ros stares daggers at Tank.
“Sure, I’ll go. Meet me at my parents’ house in the morning, I’ll be there tonight.”
She nods, and playfully elbows Tank; he pinches her nose and tickles her ribs causing her to laugh out loud.
I watch two best friends play and laugh, and it isn’t long before my own mood begins to lighten. After lunch, I don’t feel like running, so I call an Uber to take me home. Ros come in a few hours later in a very pissy mood. She doesn’t want to talk, so I drown my sorrows alone with a big bowl of triple chocolate fudge ice cream.
An hour later, a muffled honk seeps through the walls of the apartment and almost instantly, my phone dings.
MOM: HEY BABY, I’M HERE.
My mother’s green eyes greet me as I get into the car. I smile, but she sees right through it.
“What’s going on sweetie?” she sighs, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.
“I just wanted to come home for a while, that’s all.”
Concern drips from her lashes and her skin pales with worry as she puts the car in drive, and pulls away. Mom is a beautiful blonde, but I am told I look more like my father. I definitely took more of his African American skin tone and brown hair, but my mother likes to say I have a perfect natural tan.
My hand runs along the wall in the living room of my childhood home. Touching the notches my mother carved over the years that measured Della and my height. Over the patch my father plastered, when Della punched a hole in the wall, trying to hang a picture. This was our home. Outside of being in the hearts of everyone that loved her, Della doesn’t exist anywhere else but in this house. All the memories, pictures, art projects, and everything is still the same as it was before she died. I’m not going to lie, at first; it hurt a lot coming over here. Della being so present in this house was a constant reminder that she wasn’t actually here anymore. That turned into a constant reminder of WHY she isn’t here anymore.
I take my time, looking at every portrait and snap shot as I ache for my sister. I needed to come here. I need to remind myself that I’m doing the right thing, that I made the right choice to walk away from Chris. Sean and I will figure it out. If not, then another guy like him. One with an uncomplicated life. A suit and tie guy that Della would be proud of because I can’t let her down again.
Coffee and hazelnut scents the kitchen causing my mouth to water. I don’t usually drink coffee this late at night, but I’m looking forward to the comforts the creamy beverage gives. I join my mother at the counter, as we savor in our sugar and cream induced bliss. Thank god for decaf.
“So your father won’t be back until Monday, but before he left, we were talking about your graduation gift.” She smiles.
“Yeah?”
“Yes. Since you’re leaving us and moving all the way to Atlanta, we thought you may need a car.” I see her looking at me out of the corner of my eye, but I sigh, blow on my coffee, and avoid her gaze.
“Mom, I’m still not ready.”
“But it’s been years since…” She sighs, cutting her words.
“What’s been going on with you, sweetie? You look sad.”
“Nothing. Like I said, just needed to come home.”
She doesn’t buy it.
“Okay.” She shrugs.
I sigh and feel a little guilty for bullshitting her, especially when she knows I’m doing it.
“Well, I just needed to come home to breath for a minute and think. Make sure I made the right decision about this guy.”
“This guy? Who is ‘this guy”? Are you and Sean not trying to work things out anymore?”
“I don’t know. Things are getting weird with us, and I’ve been hanging out with Chris a lot. I really like him, too much. Too much to be trying to fix things with Sean.”
“So, why not try things out with him? Does he feel the same way?”
”He told me he’s in love with me,” I say, my voice comes out soft and mournful as tears sting my eyes. Attempting to hide them, I turn from my mother briefly to blink them away.
“And,” she presses.
I hold her star as I try to swallow my words, but my heart is bleeding and I can never play pretend for too long with her.
“And I’m in love with him,” I exhale, “but it doesn’t matter. He isn’t right, and I can’t keep making the same mistakes over and over.”
A crease appears in my mother’s brow. “What do you mean? Is this about Grayson, Liz?”
“Yes… No. I don’t know,” I say, shaking my head quickly. “I’m okay, though.”
My mother looks at me untrusting and I stand, grabbing both of our coffee mugs and place them in the dish washer.
“Want to go on a run with me in the morning?” I say, trying hard to change the subject. She resigns to a sigh and a nod as I kiss her cheek and head off to bed.
I’m crying. I’m alone. Grayson didn’t come home again; it’s after 2:30am. 4329 Birch ST Apartment 10. Is what he texted me, but he called me Kelly. My running shoes are the nearest to me, so I slide into them and grab my coat. I can’t breathe. Why would Grayson do this to me? I’m good to him. I can’t stop crying. I text Della. I don’t notice my cell phone ringing until it’s too late. Della calls again, I answer, but I can’t speak. I’m too devastated. My heart hurts. Della tells me not to move and she will be there in a second.
I’m still crying as I hit the gas. I’m going too fast, but I don’t care. Grayson will pay for this. Della pleads with me to slow down, much like she pleaded with me to wait until morning to face him. I ignore her. All I can hear is my heart breaking. I make it to 4329 Birch Street apartment 10. I bang on the door. I yell. Della waits in the car. The door opens. I push through the house, full of people, but in search of one. I find him. His pants at his ankles and a girl on her knees. He doesn’t see me until I slap him. He chases me. I cry. I run. I make it to my car. He stumbles, he’s drunk. He’s sorry. He loves me. I hate him. My car starts. Della says something, but it’s muffled by Grayson’s banging on the window. He begs me not to leave. I drive away. Della says something, but it’s muffled by my sobs. The light is red. I stop. I wipe tears away. Della says something, but it’s muffled by the sound of a loud muffler. Grayson’s muffler. Grayson is coming. He isn’t stopping. My body jerks forward and the feeling of weightlessness takes over.
Crashing.
Crunching.
Everything is loud.
Everything is silent.
There’s blood.
We were pushed into oncoming traffic… and Della isn’t moving.