LIZ
My heart flips and I’m stuck in a bubble full of excitement and fear. Excitement because he wants me to meet his son, and fear because he wants me to meet his son.
“Home… as in your actual house?”
He looks nervous, unsure, almost as if he can’t believe we are having this conversation either.
“Yeah, my duplex. You don’t have to come, of course. If we leave now, I can drop you off at home and get back in time. Or… you can come home with me, if you want to.”
“I do,” the words spill from my lips. I clear my throat. “I mean… I would love to meet him, Chris.”
He nods and takes a deep breath.
“Okay.”
He keeps nodding, and for some reason I’m nodding with him.
“Okay,” he blows out another breath.
“Okay,” I say.
We’ve been riding for well over an hour. Chris has been pretty chatty, more than usual, and I’m realizing he seems a bit anxious. I wonder if he’s ever brought a girl to his actual home before, or to meet his son. I take a few deep breaths and try to follow Chris’ chatter. He’s been trying to tell me a ‘funny’ story about how when he, his brother, and sister were little his dad got lost on this road. I’m sure it probably is funny, but he has started it over at least three times now.
I wonder if he had hoped I would say no to meeting his son. Before my thoughts can sink deep into how horrible that would be we pull up to a large duplex.
“Well, here’s home,” he says as we walk through the door.
I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this. He’s usually so laid back, unkempt, like let’s fuck and go eat some cheese fries. I love everything about his home, from the stack of superhero DVDs on the entertainment center to the masculine décor patterns, full of thick lines and dark colors. Framed pictures of MJ line the wall of the foyer, ranging from infancy to now. Candid moments of MJ smiling up at Chris at his second birthday, shots of the two of them at the beach, MJ in a life jacket, Chris and MJ opening Christmas gifts, pictures of Chris and his family. There are a few with MJ and his mother. I smile as I take it all in.
“I know, overkill huh?” he says.
“No. It’s beautiful. I love how much you love him.”
Chris smiles as he looks at me, and I feel an energy build between us. I want to kiss him, not because he’s looking at me like he wants to kiss me, but because I just want to. I always want to. I bite my lip and look away, back to a picture of MJ and Shayla.
“I kept of few of the two of them together, as well as a few of all three of us. I thought it was important for him to see his mother in our home. She may not be a part of me, but she’s a part of him.”
My heart smiles. I’m on fire for this guy; he wasn’t supposed to be this amazing.
“Daddy!!!!”
I blink and Chris goes from standing straight up, to being covered by a tiny human.
“Hey, Frog,” he chuckles as he hugs his son.
Shayla is standing in the doorway holding a suitcase and two large bags. We make eye contact, and she nods a greeting. I smile and nod back.
“I missed you, Daddy! We had sooo much FUN!”
“Well, you will have to tell me all about it.”
“Hey, Chris. I’m sorry to run, but I have to return this rental car in thirty minutes, and I still need to stop by my house,” Shayla says, pushing the front door open.
“Okay, go say bye to your momma.”
MJ runs to Shayla, giving her a hug. She waves goodbye to us all and runs down the driveway.
“MJ, I have someone here that I want you to meet.”
MJ turns from the doorway and looks over at us.
“Come here.” Chris waves with a smile.
He skips over and smiles bright, and my heart melts instantly. He has Chris’ smile, Chris’ eyes—he looks so much like him.
“Hi,” MJ says.
“MJ, this is Liz. She’s going to hang out with us for a little while, is that okay?”
A little hand reaches out to shake mine, and if I thought my heart had already melted, I was wrong; I’m total mush right now. I crouch down to his eye level and take his tiny hand in mine.
“Hi, Liz, it’s nice to meet you.” He smiles.
“Well, it’s wonderful meeting you.”
“Do you like Mickey Mouse?”
“I LOVE Mickey Mouse!” I say. “Goofy too.”
MJ somehow smiles brighter. “I love Goofy! We saw him at the magic castle in Disney World, he was sooo funny!”
“That sounds so great!” I say.
“Ooooo and guess what, Daddy?” He turns to his father. “We saw aliens and superheroes and even a spaceman. His name was Luke,” he says, barely able to stand still. “Let me show you what Grandma Mary bought me from the gift shop.”
MJ turns and runs to the bags Shayla left near the door. Chris looks over at me and smiles.
“Waaait a second, Little Frog, let’s take your bags to your room so we don’t make a big mess.”
While unpacking, MJ shares every moment he had on his trip with his father, and Chris listens intently. He looks at his son with more love than I've ever seen in anyone’s eyes, and for a brief second, I understand why he’s been so hesitant to change their dynamic. The understanding is only brief, because even though I know my place is with Sean, knowing that Chris will never be an option kind of stings for some reason. We spend the next two hours playing with MJ as he pulls out every toy and costume he acquired at Disney World. We have a superhero stand-off battle and play hide and seek with glow sticks. During our epic lightsaber fight, MJ fought as Luke Skywalker, Chris as Han Solo, and me, of course, as Princess Leia.
A knock sounds at the door just as Luke and I have Han Solo cornered, and Chris goes to answer.
“Hey, baby brother!”
“Cameron, hey!”
Chris hugs him.
“What in the hell are you doing here?” Chris asks.
“Just visiting for the week.”
The guys step aside and another man walks in behind them.
“Hey, Pops,” Chris says.
“Hey.”
“Uncle Cam! Grandpa!” MJ runs and jumps into the older man’s arms.
I walk out through the kitchen and join everyone in the foyer. Chris notices and comes to my side, the men follow.
“Guys, this is Liz. Liz, my father Greg Preston, and my brother, Cameron.”
The two glance from me to Chris and smile.
“Hello, Liz,” Mr. Preston says.
“Hey there,” Cameron says as his eyes trail down my body, undoubtedly, noticing my awful costume. I blush and greet them both.
I immediately feel embarrassed. Since MJ didn’t have a Princess Leia costume on hand, I created one using a sheet and one of Chris’ t-shirts. My hair is rolled into two buns, I have my stomach out and a sheet wrapped around my waist. Great way to meet the family!
“Hey Uncle Cam, Grandpa Greg, want to see what I got at Disney World?”
“Sure,” Greg says.
As they follow MJ to his playroom, Cameron looks knowingly at me and Chris and smiles. When the two men disappear into the house, Chris turns to me and grimaces.
“I’m sorry, sexy. I had no idea they were coming.”
“No, it's fine.”
“My parents asked me to bring MJ by, and I was planning to drop him off when I drove you home. I guess Cam wanted to surprise me.”
“So, you two a thing or…?” Cameron says, appearing behind us.
“Uhh…” We look at each other.
“If you’re asking so you can ask her out...” Chris says, “…the answer is hands off.”
Cam smiles at me and winks.
“You sure, man, because she’s very fucking hot.” He looks at me and says, “You are very fucking hot.”
“Thank you,” I laugh.
“Knock it off!” Chris warns.
“Fine,” he smiles, “someone is a little protective.”
I blush.
Oh, I like him.
“MJ,” Chris calls, “change back into your clothes, you’re going to go see Grandma soon, while I drive Liz home. Okay?”
“Okay, Dad.”
Chris turns back to his father, and I feel a tiny tug at my arm.
“Princess Leia?” MJ says.
Crouching, I smile and ask, “Yes, Han Solo?”
“Can you help me with the zipper on the costume?”
“Sure.”
I help MJ with his costume and change back into my own clothes. When I’m done, I flop down next to Chris on the couch and listen as the three guys talk shop. A look passes briefly between Greg and Cameron, then Cameron speaks up.
“How is everything going with the auto shop you two bought? With ‘Sexy Boy’ joining the business world now and all?”
They catch Cam up on the new projects going on at the auto shop, the new hires, and when they plan to open. Cameron announces he has just put a down payment on a new building in New York City that he plans to use as a store front.
I keep noticing the way Mr. Preston keeps looking at us. It’s a proud look, and even though I overheard Chris tell his father that we are only friends, he still looks at us oddly. I guess I am sitting kind of close. It dawns on me in that moment exactly how close we are sitting. I’m literally hugging his arm, and he’s stroking my knee. I don’t think he notices, I didn’t until now. I slowly unwrap myself from him as my heart fills with terror. If I wasn’t sure before, I am now... I’m in love with him. The realization hits me so hard I want to cry. I’m not supposed to be in love with him. It breaks our code, plus there’s Sean… Della. Chris is amazing, but he’s too complicated. I can’t let history repeat itself even if he is willing to give it a shot. I’m in love with him, but I owe her.
I stay quiet for the rest of the visit. It isn’t long before MJ leaves with his grandfather, and Chris and I are headed to my apartment.
We ride in silence. The air is thick between us. I look over at him, but he just smiles and rubs my knee.
Okay, maybe I’m the only one who feels weird.
Shit.
My heart can’t take this. I want so much more of him, but I need so much less. The worst part is the more he opens up to me, the more I fall right in.
No. I don’t fall.
I jump.
I roll around in his world like he is all I need. It’s wrong. I should've walked away weeks ago. Back when I started wanting more of him, now I’m constantly looking for a reason, a flaw, to make me want to run, and it doesn’t exist.
He has to know this has gone too far, I can’t be the only one starting to feel; he took me to meet his family for shit's sake.
MJ is amazing. Chris’ family is amazing! Everything about today and yesterday was perfect, and it’s terrifying.
I can’t do this with him anymore.
God, why’d he have to go and ruin it?!
We could have continued with our ‘borderline-inappropriate-for-fuck-buddies’ relationship while I sorted myself out.
That’s not too delusional, right?
And Sean. What could he have done? Why does everything feel wrong and heavy?
I feel like I’m about to fucking burst, and I can’t sit still. I peek over at Chris as I wonder if he’s noticing me fidgeting.
The car slows, and we pull into a FastMart gas station.
“I’ll be right back; do you want anything?” he asks.
“No. I’m okay.”
I watch as Chris heads into the gas station, walks around for a few minutes and then begins to leave. Right before he makes it to the door, he turns to the counter, seemingly grabs something random and pays. While the cashier is processing his payment, he drops his head and takes a deep breath.
Did he only pull over to have an excuse get out of the car?
“Alright, sexy, sorry about that,” he says, sliding into his seat.
“It’s fine.”
He nods and starts the car, pulling back onto the road.
I hate this. I’m not ready for this to be over.
The sunlight turns into a dull glow behind the trees as we quietly make the drive back to my apartment. There is no doubt about it now, things are awkward, and its taking up so much space between us, I can barely breathe. I can only imagine what’s going through his head. He probably thinks I hate his family, or worst, MJ was too much. I could reassure him, but what good would that do? What good would it do to reassure him of how perfect we are together, when things are already out of hand?
Chris pulls into my apartment complex and drives toward my building.
He sighs.
He fidgets.
He runs his hand through his hair and sighs again. I’m about to ask him what’s wrong, but without warning, pulls over and shuts the car off.
“What are we doing here, Chris?” I ask, noticing we are about five buildings from where we should be.
“Red, I like you too much, I want you… too fucking much.”
I don’t breathe, I don’t blink. I’m stuck in a trance, savoring and dreading his terrifying, amazing words.
“I’m sorry. I feel like a pussy for admitting this, but I can’t be this for you anymore. It hurts to hold you, fucking hurts to let you go. Every time I convince myself that I’m not falling for you, I fall further,” he swallows hard.
I try to hold his gaze, but I can’t. I’m trying with all my might to hold in my tears.
“I don’t know how to do this, Red. It’s not my thing, fucking is my thing, but everything is starting to merge. The pleasure I get from making you cum feels just as good as when I make you smile. I love hearing you laugh, just as much as making you scream. You are the first person I want to tell things to and the only person I want in my bed.”
My heart fills and breaks rapidly as I melt.
Chris blows out a breath and runs a hand down the back of his head.
“I didn’t know how it would all fit. MJ is everything to me, and no one has ever made me want to change our life together before you. I used to think adding a girl would cause stress, and regret. The only thing causing me stress and regret right now is trying to pretend I’m not completely in love with you Red. I’m so far fucking gone baby.”
I stop breathing and try to swallow, but my mouth is dry. I might die, I totally could. How can the best damn thing I’ve ever heard, also be the worst? A feeling so amazing and raw and intense but also heart shattering.
“I know this is not what we’re doing and I’m sorry. I also know you’ve got your shit, but I can’t go back to having you halfway. So, I want you to think about it. If you feel like I think you do, then I want to give you all of me, but only if I can have all of you.”
My heart doesn’t know how to react, there’s too much pain, too much love. Tears roll hot down my cheeks as I kiss him, savoring his lips, loving everything about him, but knowing our fate.
I pull away and meet his eyes.
“I’m sorry, Chris,” I sob. “I’m sooo sorry.”
His brows crease. I open the door and leave my heart in his car, as I walk the rest of the way home completely broken.