Chapter 30
Emma
Ryan opened the door and wrapped his arms around me. "I thought you had gone. I was afraid you'd given up on me." He pulled me tighter into his embrace. I stared at this attractive man and thought about the insanely stunning bitter woman that was his wife. What had I gotten myself into?
"I thought about getting a flight home, even got to the airport," I said, sighing. "Ryan, I love you. I don't want to run, but this situation is pretty messed-up." I searched around for Melissa, hoping she wasn't in earshot. "Did Lindsey take Melissa to her house?"
"Yeah, I'm not sure what her next move will be. Surprisingly, she didn't say much after you left."
"I had to leave while Lindsey was here. I had to let her win. Ryan, if you couldn't see your daughter because of me, you would end up hating me. We either have to find a legal way around this or be able to convince Lindsey to let us see each other. Or … we both know what the third option is. Oh! And by the way…" I grabbed a pillow off the couch and lobbed it at him "…you never told me how stunning your wife is!"
"I don't think of her as my wife or as stunning." His usually vibrant, powerful eyes reflected sadness and pain. "So what now, Em, what do we do?"
"We both need some time to think, but I didn't want to run out on you." I reached for his hand. Ryan appeared drained, his face strained and tired. Who wouldn't be?
"Let's go to bed. I can take you to the airport in the morning if you want," he offered.
We undressed and got into bed, and for the first time since we met, sex was not on either of our minds.
We woke up in each other's arms, but a dark, oppressive cloud of doom filled the air. The awkwardness between us was more uncomfortable than two strangers with nothing in common finding themselves sitting together at a dinner party.
I understood Ryan's concern about not being allowed to see Melissa, but why would Lindsey want to keep them apart? He was obviously a good father. The dynamics of their relationship didn't make sense to me. Why was Lindsey so angry and unreasonable?
Everything about the next few hours felt wrong. Ryan drove me to the airport and stayed with me while we exchanged my current ticket for an earlier flight. He offered to wait with me until they called my flight, but neither one of us wanted him to. He hugged me, and yes, kissed me on the forehead, then left.
Once back at my own home, the mental exhaustion caught up with me. Too tired to hash any of this out with Char or Randy, I called out sick for a few days and holed up in my house. Although Ryan and I spoke every night, the conversations felt strained. He had still not talked to either Lindsey or Melissa. We both hurt, and neither one of us knew how to fix it.
My third day of staying home, the doorbell rang. I figured Char decided she had given me enough time and came to check on me. Good, it was time I talked this out with my bestie. Maybe she would be able to provide some insight and give me a better perspective on things.
I opened the door and gasped. Lindsey stood in my doorway, just as tall and beautiful as I remembered her, but less intimidating. She seemed nervous almost frightened. Not knowing how to respond, I stood in the doorway with my jaw dropped, staring at her.
"Aren't you going to invite me in?" This was the second time someone in Ryan's family dropped by unannounced. I was pretty sure this was not a good thing.
"Sure, come on in." I pulled the door open wider. Sierra came bounding down the hallway and growled. Lindsey stepped back a little. "Sierra, heel,” I said. “Don't worry, she's a big baby. She won't bite."
Lindsey looked uneasy but came in and sat at the kitchen table.
"Would you like anything?" I asked.
She opened her tote and pulled out a bottle of Barolo. "I thought we might need this."
Confused, I took the bottle from her and poured us both a glass. "Is Melissa in town with you?" I assumed Melissa told her where I lived.
"No, I dropped her off at Ryan's this morning."
"That's great! I'm glad you are letting them spend time together." Was the ice queen melting?
Her attempt at a smile fell flat. "He doesn't know I'm here.
"Why are you here?" I asked.
"I need to ask you for a favor."
I didn't like where this was going.
"You need to ask me for a favor? A few days ago you gave me an ultimatum: leave Ryan's or be the reason he doesn't see his daughter. And now you show up at my door with a bottle of expensive wine because you need a favor? What is it you want?” I was losing patience.
"What you said about me using Melissa as leverage, it's true, but she is the only leverage I had."
"Why do you need leverage at all? You don't love Ryan, you don't need money, and he'd be willing to share custody, so excuse me but I don't really see what the fucking problem is."
"I need your support when I try to explain what the problem is to Ryan."
What game is she playing now?
"Can you be a little clearer on exactly what you want from me and what you're talking about?"
"You said I needed to seek help. I already had. I’ve been seeing a therapist for the past month."
That was one therapist who is going to make a lot of money. It will take years to untwist her brain.
"She thinks it's important that I tell Ryan and Darren the truth."
"Darren … who's Darren?"
She ignored my question. "If we could put aside our differences, we might be able to help each other."
She had my attention now. "I'm listening."
"You're still wearing the ring, so you still want to marry Ryan, right?"
"Not if it is going to cost him his daughter."
"I'm going to try to explain."
I played with the engagement ring and braced myself for the worst.
"Ryan wasn't the one who hurt me, but it has been easy for me to blame him."
"What are you talking about?"
She took a sip from her glass and sighed. "I guess I'll start at the beginning." Slowly taking the glass from her lips, she announced, "My uncle raped me." I sat there in shocked silence as she continued. "I have not spoken those words out loud in fifteen years," she whispered. "I've never told Ryan. I was too ashamed to tell him. I've never told anyone, except my mother."
"Lindsey …" I stuttered. "Is Melissa …?"
"Oh no!" She shook her head. "Melissa is Ryan's."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply. Of course she is. She looks so much like him," I muttered awkwardly.
“I had just turned sixteen. My mother's brother lost his job and had moved in with us for a while. One night when he was drunk, he came into my room, and … and raped me. Shocked and scared, I waited a few days before I told my mother. She didn't believe me, accused me of making it up for attention. She criticized me for being a cheerleader and strutting around in my cheerleading outfit. She admonished me for not behaving more like a proper young girl. She acted like it didn't happen, and even if it did, I brought it upon myself!" With each sentence, Lindsey’s voice rose steadily. She tried to keep going but had broken down, sobbing uncontrollably.
This was new territory for me. My heart broke for this poor woman. She had suffered through so much, but how did this relate to Ryan and why was she telling me this?
"I am so sorry. No one should ever have to go through that and especially not alone." She was shivering. I got up to pour us both another glass of wine and retrieved a throw off the couch, which I wrapped around her shoulders.
Pulling the blanket tightly around herself, she continued, "When my mother wouldn't believe me, my fear intensified. My uncle lived in my house. What if he tried to do it again?" Her voice was barely audible. "I was alone and scared."
"I went to the free clinic to be examined for diseases, and while I was there, I got on the pill. What if I had gotten pregnant from that bastard?" Her expression was wide eyed and panicked as she relived it. "I was terrified every second of my life. School was my only outlet. I allowed myself to forget, if only for a few hours each day.
"Ryan started paying attention to me. I was so messed-up, and he was so refreshing with his innocence and so easy going.
Lindsey’s despair and remorse marked both her face and her body. When I first saw Lindsey standing over me at the pool, her posture had been impeccable, her spine straight and her face, though angry, had looked young and vibrant. The woman sitting next to me at my kitchen table was struggling. Her shoulders were shrunken, her face furrowed and contorted, and her confidence shattered.
"My uncle did try again. He was drunk and came into my room. I tried to scream, but he put his hand over my mouth and told me what horrible things he would do if I fought him." She was frantically heaving and trying to catch her breath as she replayed the scene in her mind. "He didn't succeed, he had been too drunk … he couldn't …"
"Lindsey, you don't have to relive it. I understand."
Lindsey struggled to go on. "After that night, I realized I needed to get out of my mother's house. I used Ryan. I got off the pill and tried to get pregnant. I knew Ryan would marry me if I were pregnant. He did and we moved in with his family. I was finally away from my uncle and didn't have to be afraid anymore. Only I didn't get better, I got worse. I had nightmares about my uncle. I despised the thought of sex and didn't want Ryan touching me. I turned so cold and put up so many barriers. My friends from school said despicable things behind my back, too cowardly to confront me directly. I quit school. I quit life." Lindsey rocked back and forth in her seat, appearing scared and tired.
“Ryan's family took me in, but I knew they didn't like me. I had no one except Ryan. I should have told him … I knew it was wrong. I was only sixteen and so afraid. I couldn't confide in him. What if he blamed me for what my uncle did? Then no one would care. I'd have no one. Everyone deserves someone.
"I hated pregnancy, and once Melissa was born, both she and Ryan reminded me of what I went through and what I had done. I couldn't bear to be around them or anyone. The fear and guilt became too much for me to handle. I let the hatred grow. To be able to live with myself, I had to blame Ryan. I blamed him, but I also needed him. I was terrified of being alone. I used our daughter as a pawn to manipulate him so he wouldn't leave me." She went on, shaking her head.
"It didn't bother me if he had sex with other women; I didn't care as long as he stayed away from me. But I couldn't let him fall in love and leave me. I didn't want to be by myself, alone in the world. Our relationship wasn't good, but it was all I knew.
"When I saw you two together, the way he looked at you, I knew you were more than just another …" She stopped short. "I could tell he loved you."
She sat up straighter and seemed to be regaining her composure.
"Is your mom still alive? What kind of connection do you have with her?" I asked.
She bit her lip. "My father divorced my mother and Mom moved to Chicago. Which is why I moved. Ryan followed to be near Melissa."
"I thought moving to Chicago would provide an opportunity for my mother and me to build some sort of bond. I tried again to talk to her about what happened, but she just nodded her head, and we don't speak of it. We are distant. We don't discuss anything important, but she is my mother."
I didn't know what to think or say.
"What you have been through is horrible, but why are you telling me? We barely know each other."
"I agreed to Ryan staying at his apartment in Chicago instead of in our house because I had met someone. I went to see him the weekend you were in Chicago.
"Melissa has met him. He stays over often, but not intimately," she added. "I asked her not to tell her dad as I'm sure Ryan asked her not to tell me about you."
"Why did you come home early?"
"Darren and I have been friends for quite a while, but I still can't be intimate with him," she confided. "He doesn't know about my uncle or anything else." Lindsey's demeanor had changed. She was distant, like she was now telling someone else's story instead of her own. "I thought I could be with him in that way, but I couldn't. There has been no one, including Ryan, since I got pregnant with Melissa."
I was stunned. "You have not been with a man in over fourteen years?" The surprise registered in my voice.
She shook her head. "I didn't want to until I met Darren. He's been very patient. But that weekend, when I went to see him, he said if I couldn't be intimate with him and I couldn't tell him why, then I needed to seek help. I hadn't told him that I was seeing a therapist.”
"Why didn't you tell him? He sounds like he will stand by you."
"I thought of therapy as being for the weak. I haven't allowed myself to be weak or vulnerable since I was sixteen. Therapy is helping, but control is important to me. For example, even though I want to make things right with Ryan, I still threatened him this morning when I dropped off Melissa."
I cringed. I know Ryan was sick of the bullshit.
"You just told a stranger a very personal story about your childhood and life. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable. Lindsey, you know you have to tell Ryan."
"I know I need to tell him, and I know if I don't, you will."
"Then why tell me?"
"Because now I have no choice. I have to tell Ryan." I was starting to think this woman was insane.
Lindsey smiled for the first time. "When I was five, I was too afraid to ride a bike. My father put me on my bike and pushed me down our steep driveway." I had no choice. I learned how to ride a bike or fall. At six, I was afraid to swim. My dad threw my box turtle into the pool. I didn't know they could swim, and I thought he would drown, so I jumped in to save my turtle and got over my fear of water.
"Not the recommended way to teach a child, but it worked. Whenever I'm afraid to do something, I put myself into a situation where not doing it is no longer an option."
I shook my head. "So, you used me?"
"You could look at that way, but I told you that I thought we could help each other."
"Do you want me to tell Ryan? Is that why you came here?"
"No, I want your support when I tell Ryan."
"I don't understand, what do you mean?"
"I want you to come with me. I'm not asking you to tell him, but come with me and support him and me through this. With you there, he'll see I'm willing to change. And if you're there, I think we will be more civil to each other. But I am also afraid he might use this to try to take Melissa from me. To prove I'm unfit. I do love my daughter. She is the reason I agreed to therapy. She asked me to go."
"What?"
"She said she wanted both me and her dad to be happy. She has seen how I treat her dad, and I'm sure she knew or overheard conversations between Darren and me about my intimacy issues. I now realize you were already in the picture for Ryan. When I refused, she threatened to go to a judge and ask for permission to live with her dad. I knew it was just a threat, but the fact that she felt the need to threaten me worked."
I'll be damned. Way to go, Melissa.
I wasn't so sure my being there with Lindsey would help Ryan, but if it would help Lindsey move on and allow Ryan and me to be together, it couldn't hurt, right?