Chapter 5
Emma
I called Sierra to the back door and put her leash on. The High Line Canal, a running/biking trail, ran behind my house, and I usually took Sierra for a run every morning.
"Why didn't you warn me?" I asked her. She looked at me quizzically, tilted her head to one side, and barked. "Sorry, girl, not your fault." I bent down and hugged her.
We walked from my backyard to the trail. I started running as fast as I could, trying to remove thoughts of Ryan from my head. After twenty minutes, I slowed it down to a jog—much to Sierra's dismay. She was loving the fast pace.
Why am I acting like such a child? I knew what I was doing. I made the conscious decision to sleep with him, so I need to grab what's left of my dignity and get over it, right?
Despite my pep talks to myself, my mind raced with thoughts of Ryan and our time together. I kept going over every detail. Every wonderful, sensual, mind-blowing detail. The whole experience was better than any fantasy I could have made up. Did he not feel the same chemistry and connection that I did? How could he walk away from that?
Stop it! I scolded myself. He's gone.
Our one night of lust was over as quickly as it started. The connection I thought I felt between us was just sexual, not real.
Fuck! That was probably his wife texting him, wondering where he was. Oh my God, I didn't even ask him if he was married! Not that he would have told me the truth, but still …
My usual mode of operation would be to call Char and talk through this. I knew she was worried and that I should call her, but I wasn’t ready to try to explain my actions. If I had known for sure it was only going to be for one night, and how much it would hurt when he left, would I still have slept with him? I hated that my answer was yes; my attraction was that strong. I just needed to forget about it and move on.
"Sierra, we better head back." We ran at a much slower pace on the way back.
Once home, I plopped in the chair. The phone rang, and I froze. Could it be him? It was Mom. She was at a balloon festival in New Mexico. Right now, I envied her. I tried to sound cheerful but cut the call short. Mom had an uncanny ability to read my moods. Explaining to my mother that I was depressed because I had unforgettable sex with a man I barely knew and would never see again would just be too exhausting.
I did some weight training and tackled some code. I hoped it would help to keep my mind busy. Nothing kept me from drifting back to thinking about Ryan. I could still feel the rough edges of his hands as his gentle fingers stroked the soft skin between my thighs and the weight of his body on top of me.
Fuck it. I drank a glass of wine and went to bed. It would get better. In time, he would just be a memory.
***
At work on Monday, Char started in immediately as I knew she would. "Well, spill. What happened? What's going on with the mystery man?"
"Not much to tell. We had a good time together, and now he's gone. End of story."
"Did you make any future plans?"
I rolled my eyes and attempted to change the subject. "Hey, I found the coding error on the new project we've been working on."
Char waved her finger at me. "This conversation is not over. Want to grab a bite after work?"
"Sure, but I can't be long. Randy is helping John out at their restaurant tonight. I’ll have to be home in time to walk Sierra."
Seconds after ordering our first drink, Char began asking questions. I knew she was concerned and was being a good friend. I would have done the same thing, but that still didn't make it any easier to discuss.
"What's going on, Emma? You usually get a guy's life story within the first ten minutes. With this guy, you ask no questions? Did you at least get his last name?"
"No, I didn't. I know it's crazy, Char, but he's gone now. Can we move on?"
"Not when I watch you walk around trying to act like everything is all good when it so isn't. Oh my God, did he hurt you? Did he turn out to be some sort of psycho?"
Hurt me? Not physically, well maybe a little, I was having a difficult time walking today. I laughed out loud without realizing it.
"What are you laughing at?" Char frowned.
"I'm fine. He did not hurt me, and he is not a psycho. Yes, we slept together, and it was … well … amazing. Now he’s gone, and there is nothing else to talk about."
"You had sex? Ryan's hot, but damn, Emma! Since when do you fuck a man on the first night, especially when you know absolutely nothing about him?"
I sneered at my longtime friend, wishing she would just shut up. "I know. I broke all the rules. Can't we let it go now?"
She looked at me. "Oh my God, you have feelings for him!"
"No, I don't. At least not the type of feelings you're talking about. We just met! Sure, I would like to get to know him, but he lives in Chicago, so that's that."
"I saw the way his eyes followed you around on Saturday. You will hear from him again. And when you do, you better ask the asshole his last name!"
"Let it go, please?"
She knew I was hurting. Narrowing her eyes at me, she asked, "So what did you think of Bob's friend Brandon?”
I was grateful she changed the subject, but I wish she would quit worrying about my love life. "I'm sure he is a good guy, but Michael and I just ended a couple months ago. I'm not looking for anything right now."
Charlotte rolled her eyes in sarcastic exasperation and gave up for now.
We spent the next half hour with our heads in our laptops talking about some SQL queries we had been building at work. We both loved programming and could get lost in it pretty easily.
I got home before dark and went for a quick run with Sierra, ate a bowl of cereal for dinner, and got ready for bed. All day, I had been going through the motions, doing what was necessary, but I felt empty, numb, and tired.
The video of my night with Ryan was still playing in my head, making it difficult for me to sleep. I needed to pull my head out of my ass and find something more constructive to do!
Char was right. If I had gotten his last name, I could at least Google him. A Google search might have come up empty or maybe he was an ex-con or more likely I'd find him on Facebook with pictures of his wife, kids, and the family dog. I felt nauseated. I couldn’t believe I didn't ask him anything.
I was beating myself up, but there was still a part of me that believed he was a good guy. There was just something else going on but what I couldn't imagine. Wishful thinking on my part.
At work the next day, Charlotte brought me a much needed cup of coffee. "You look like hell," she said.
"Thanks. Remind me to call you whenever I need a boost of self-confidence."
"Whoa, girl, I'm just stating the obvious." Char held her hands up in mock surrender.
"Sorry, couldn't sleep last night. Not sure I even got ten minutes." I rubbed my eyes, which were sans makeup.
"Ryan?"
"Not everything is about a man," I snapped. Of course it was Ryan related. No amount of diversions could get his voice or any other part of him out of my head.
I remembered Charlotte's silly little poster about loving someone who was toxic for you. Well, this may not be love, but it was toxic.