Molly
I SHOULDN’T HAVE told him. My instinct was to keep my mouth shut but sitting in front of our house together the memories were too happy. I remembered the meals I cooked, the furniture we picked out, the flowers I planted.
I woke up earlier than I usually do because my fever was back. I went into the bathroom and took all my morning pills. The doctors promised me taking these chemo pills would put me in remission, but I was beginning to wonder if it was all a lie.
I laid on the cool tile floor and prayed. I prayed this would stop. I didn’t know if I had the strength to fight it again. It was almost as if I could feel it spreading through me again. Cancer had taken my dad many years ago, and I didn’t want to suffer this way. Then again, I had no choice in the matter. It was coming back, and I knew it.
I threw up, and I began to shake harder. This was going to be bad. I could feel it in my bones. The cancer had come back, and it was going to be rougher than before. I didn’t know what to do? My body shook harder, and I couldn’t lift my head. I was in trouble.
“Lars.” I groaned. It hurt to talk. “Lars.” I made myself say his name louder through the pain.
“Molly?” There was concern in his tone. “Where are you?”
“Help. Help.” I kept saying it over and over until he pushed open the bathroom door.
“Oh my God, Molly.” He leaned down to me.
“Hospital. Hurry.”
It was the last thing I remembered before blacking out.
I FELT SOMEONE brushing my hair. I loved when someone played with my hair. It was calming and relaxing. My throat still hurts and my head was pounding. I opened my eyes and saw Lars’ brown eyes looking back at me. He was stressed. It was clearly written all over his face. He looked older than his thirty-two years of age.
“Hi.” He tried to smile but failed.
“Hi,” I managed to say. “Where are we?” I wanted to look around but every muscle hurt.
“At the hospital. It was where you told me to go.”
“Okay.” I closed my eyes again, but I was exhausted. “It’s back.”
“What?”
“The cancer is back. I thought the pills were going to help, but it’s clear they didn’t work one bit.” Tears began to roll down my cheeks.
“How do you know?”
“It was just like before. The fever. The shakes. The pain. It’s just like last time, and I don’t know if I can deal with it this time.”
“I’m here.” He squeezed my hand. “I’ll help you this time.”
“You can’t.” I opened my eyes. “You have to work on you and find someone else. You want a family, remember?”
He sighed and looked away from me. “Why do you do this?”
“Do what?”
“Why do you push people away? Why do you push me away?” He turned back and he was mad.
“You need to worry about your well-being.”
“I can do both.” He stood up and began to pace. “You shut me out before without giving me a choice, but I’m here now. I can make my own decisions.”
“Can you?”
He stopped pacing and glared at me. “What are you implying? Are you saying I’m too irresponsible to take care of you?”
“No. But you have to get yourself well and move on. I know you want to be married and have a family. You most certainly can’t do that with me. Don’t you understand?”
He took a few steps back as if I’d hit him. “How can you be so smart and so dense at the same time?”
“I’m helping you.”
“No!” He shouted but shut his mouth quickly realizing he was in a hospital. “You’re not helping anyone but yourself. You want to be a martyr, is that it? You want to cut your own nose off to spite your face.” He held his arms out. “Because here I stand. I might not be the best to express every feeling I have, but you know how much I love you. You can’t even see it because you keep yourself at a distance from everyone. Especially me. Why? Why, Molly?”
I couldn’t answer him. It wasn’t that I couldn’t it was because I didn’t know what to say. Actually it was because I knew exactly what to say. But I wouldn’t ruin his life. Therefore, I remained silent.
“Forget it. You can have my mom or Jameson get your things from my apartment. I don’t want you around me anymore.”
He stormed out of my hospital room and I tried to get up, but I was in too much pain. The tears came faster and harder. What had I done? It was as if my heart was ripped out of my chest–again. Just like the day I went into the divorce lawyer’s office. I cried through every page of the decree because it wasn’t what I wanted.
I didn’t want this either.
I wanted Lars to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. I wanted to have the white picket fence with him. I wanted to grow old and sit on the front porch with him watching the flowers bloom. I wanted it all.
“Miss Williamson.”
I quickly wiped my cheeks free of the wetness. “Yes.”
“I’m Dr. Kebo, I have all your test results.” He came around and stood where Lars had just been.
Here it comes. The news I’ve been dreading but already knew. “How long do I have?”
“I’m sorry?”
“How long before the cancer takes me?” I tried to be strong but the sob cut through me.
“I think you’re jumping the gun here. After all the tests we ran, it seems we can declare you in remission and you can stop taking the pills.”
What? There were no words I could say. Nothing was coming to mind. However, I felt one thing. Love. I wanted to tell Lars how much I loved him. The excitement of hearing the word remission was like lifting off the large brick house I felt weighing on my shoulders. It was a magical word. Even though it didn’t give a “cure”, it gave me hope.
“What’s wrong with me then? Why do I feel so awful?”
“You have the flu. It also appears you’re dehydrated and your iron is low. We’re going to get you some fluids and get you some iron pills. I will keep you overnight, just as a precaution. But you’ll be just fine.”
The tears fell for a different reason. They’re happy tears. “Thank you.”
When he left, I realized I had to find Lars, but I couldn’t move. There was no way I could go after him. I reached for the phone by my bed and called Jameson. The second he picked up, I told him everything that was happening and how we needed to find Lars.
“Where do you think he is?” he asked me.
“I’m afraid to say it, but I think he’s at a bar. Find him, please. I need to tell him.”
“Tell him what?”
“That I love him.”