Molly
I WAS EXHAUSTED from the drive. Lars was still asleep as I pulled up to his apartment. I knew I was running a slight fever and I had to get well. Quickly. I didn’t mean to tell Lars I was sick, but maybe he wouldn’t catch on that my cancer was back.
“Lars.” I shook his shoulder lightly. “We need to head up.”
He woke up looking confused and disoriented.
“Go on. I’ll get the bags.” I lifted the lever for the trunk and started gathering up the few bags we had.
“I’ll handle it.” Lars took them from my grasp. “You still seem to be under the weather.” He sneered his comment at me.
“How chivalrous?” I rolled my eyes and moved away from him.
Once I was in the apartment, I ran to the bathroom and threw up again. It came out of nowhere this time. I found the thermometer in my purse. You wouldn’t think it was something a girl carried around, but in my condition, I had to. It read one hundred one. It was high. I knew it. I had to fake it until I could get Lars comfortable and then I could go to bed. I only had a few more days of this and then I’ll be back in Dallas and would worry about my health then.
As I opened the door, I ran right into his hard chest. “What are you doing? Spying?” I yelled.
“You’re sick.”
“Nothing gets past you.” I brushed past him and went into the kitchen.
“How sick are you?”
“Not enough for you to worry about.” I lied as I pulled out a bottle of water from the fridge and handed him one. “It’s late. You need to lay down because tomorrow is a big day. Your family is throwing the barbecue for Jameson and his girlfriend tomorrow. After that, you and I need to go to the VA and set up appointments with a therapist and then find an AA meeting.”
“I’m glad you consulted me about my day.”
“You’re welcome.” I patted his shoulder as I left the kitchen and went into the tiny living room and turned on the TV. “You should probably get a shower and go to bed.”
“I’m not a child. Quit treating me like one.”
“Stop acting like one.” I sipped my water slowly, as to not become sick again, and flipped through the channels.
“I can’t wait for you to leave me alone.” He stormed off to his room, slamming the door.
The tears came quickly and rolled down my cheeks. I wished he knew how much I loved him and why I left him.
SOMETIME THROUGH THE night, my fever broke and I had never been more thankful. I didn’t feel outstanding, but I knew I could get through the day without too many complications. At least, I was hoping. I took the coldest shower I could stand and got ready for the day.
“Lars, it’s time to get up.” I didn’t want to yell and startle him.
“I’m up,” he said.
“Well, get ready and I’ll be ready to go when you are.” I went into the kitchen and popped all my nausea pills first and then my chemo pill. Today was going to be a long one, and I said a quick prayer that I would make it through today.
“Why are we going to this?”
I turned and tried not to stare at him too much. He always cleaned up so well. “Your best friend is getting married. Your family, who thinks of him as a son, is throwing him a party so we all can meet his fiancée, Rebekah.”
He sighed. “Fine. Let’s go.”
I made myself focus and drive over to his parent’s place. I knew I wouldn’t be eating anything today unless it was small and non-spicy. My stomach was already flipping and twisting. It was going to be a rough day, but I had to get through it.
Lars came from a very large family and they were all close, well were. I was closest to Stacy, Lars’ youngest sister, and his mother. I knew there were going to be a lot of people here, especially since it was for Jameson and his future wife, Rebekah.
“Looks like everyone has made it.” I commented, parking the car at the end of the driveway.
“Great.” He grumbled and got out of the car.
Everyone happily greeted me and Lars, and he seemed to pretend to be having fun. I was able to meet Rebekah, and we had a grand time talking about Jameson and the wedding. Happiness filled me because I knew he had been putting his life on hold to take care of Lars these past ten years. I was glad he was moving on. He deserved it.
I was able to sneak away and hide in the bathroom for a little while without anyone disturbing me. I threw up everything I ate–well what little I ate–and rested a cool washcloth on my forehead for a few moments.
Knock. Knock.
“Molly, are you all right?” Pam asked.
I opened the door and she wasn’t alone. “I’m okay.”
“You don’t look it,” Jameson said. “Come here.” He took my hand and led me over to the kitchen table and pulled out a chair for me. “Is the cancer worse this time?” He knelt down in front of me.
“The pills are making me sick because I’m not resting enough.” I confessed. “It’ll be fine because I’ll be back home in a few days.”
“I hate to see you leave us again, Molly.” Pam took my hand. “You bring such joy to Lars’ life.”
“I don’t think that’s true anymore. He would rather spit on me then look at me.” I took the glass from Stacy’s hand.
“He doesn’t know the cancer’s back?” Pam asked.
“No, he doesn’t. I told him I was sick, and I’m hoping to play it off as the flu or something.” I told them. “I need to focus on him right now. We’re going to the VA and then to check out an AA meeting I found online that seems to be a good fit for him. He doesn’t do well around a lot of people.”
“You’re special to him, Molly. He loves you more now than he did when he married you. He’s just hiding it with the booze.” Pam tried to explain.
“He’ll be fine without me.” I gave her a small smile.
After a moment, Pam and Stacy left and Jameson sat down next to me. “You need to tell him the truth. He needs to know.”
I shook my head. “I left him so he could have the life he wanted. A career in the military and a family. I can’t give him a family. He can never know I left for selfish reasons.”
“You left him because you didn’t tell him the truth about the cancer. He would have been there for you.”
“Yes, he would have been and that would have ruined his career. Then when I was told I couldn’t have kids, I knew then he could never know because he would pretend it was all okay, even though he would have been so disappointed about never having a family.”
“Molly.” He sighed.
“You know I’m right. I love him more than words and because of it, he can’t know the truth about me.” I cried softly, and Jameson held me for a few moments. I pulled away and took a deep breath. “I have to take him to the doctor now. I’ll see you later. I’m glad you found someone special for you.” I gave him a quick hug before heading out to find Lars.
Shockingly, he was just outside the kitchen. I thought maybe for a second he had heard us talking, but he didn’t seem to be angry.
“It’s time to go to the doctor.” I tell him waiting to gauge any reaction from him.
He nodded. “I’m ready to go anyway. There’s too many people here. I’m tired of answering the same three questions over and over. I don’t belong here.”
“Yes, you do. This is your family,” I sternly said. “Let’s get going.”
I made my way to the car without having to throw up again. I knew the next few hours were going to be difficult with him, but I would make it.
He was sulking the entire drive to the VA, and I practically had to force him out of the car, but he did go inside. Luckily, there weren’t too many people in the waiting room. I filled out all of his forms since I knew all of his information anyway.
When his name was called, I didn’t think he was going to get up, but he did and went into the back. I felt a small sigh of relief come over me thinking this was the first step toward him getting better. It was what I wanted the most for him. Over the years, I couldn’t think of him with other women and according to Jameson he never was, but I wanted him to be happy. It wouldn’t have happened with me. Lars had always talked about kids and being a family. It was something I couldn’t give him.
When I was first diagnosed with cancer, the doctors told me it was a possibility of not having children. Then, after I had all the information, I realized how sick I was going to become and the high chances of me getting it again. I couldn’t be a burden to Lars. I wouldn’t be one to him. He needed to live life. He had so many dreams, and I didn’t want to squash any of them.
Lars had been back there for a while and I was hoping it was a good sign. He needed to make the first step on his own. But I knew he needed me to push him to that step. I wanted to see him back to the happy, healthy Lars I remembered. He had so much love to spread around and now I didn’t see that spark in his eyes anymore. It’s killed me not to see it either.
Soon he came out and didn’t seem to be mad at all. However, he looked exhausted. I stood up and smiled. “Feel better?”
“I have to come back in two days.”
“Great.” It made me joyful knowing he was going to come back. “Now, we have to go to AA.” He rolled his eyes and made his way to the front desk to make his next appointment.
The meeting I found for him was two towns over. I knew he wouldn’t be comfortable in the town where everyone knew him. Plus the one I found had meetings at various times. It meant he could go whenever, and it might be easier on him.
I couldn’t go in with him, and I knew it. I tried to encourage him the best I could without actually breaking out the pom-poms and such. He got out of the car, and I saw his hesitation as he went to the door, but he went in nonetheless.
Even more relief came over me. He was going down the right path, and I was elated. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure why there was such a change. Maybe seeing his family really showed how much people cared about him. He needed this stability, and I was going to make sure he got it.
Before I left him again.