Molly
I WATCHED HIM tie up the boat at the end of the dock. He looked as if he was having a good time and I hoped it helped him. He wasn’t one who liked being cooped up in one spot for long. I knew it too.
“Want to sit on the back porch for a bit?” I suggested. “It’s a beautiful day.” I pointed up to the cloudless sky.
“Sure.” He shrugged.
I took a seat on the porch swing and he sat next to me. Slightly swinging, we stared out at the lake. It was quiet and peaceful. It was a perfect end to a perfect day. I liked fishing, just not touching the fish or any of the mechanics of baiting them either. Those parts are gross.
I glanced over at Lars. His eyes were closed, and he was leaning his head back as we continued to swing slowly. He looked sweet and content.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a large motor boat came tearing through the lake. It was the loudest noise I’d ever heard.
“No!” Lars screamed and jumped to the floor covering his head. He continued to scream over and over.
I fell to my knees and he covered my body with his.
“They’re coming! They’re coming!” he yelled.
He was having a flashback.
“They’re going to kill us! We have to move.” Lars leaped to his feet, knocking me over. He grabbed my wrist, yanked me up and began to run toward the wooded area next to the cabin.
“Lars, it’s me. Stop, please.” I begged. I could barely keep up with him. “Lars. Listen.”
He then stopped, pulled me behind a large tree and whispered, “They’re coming.”
“Look at me.” I commanded.
“Be quiet.” His eyes darted around.
“Baby, nobody is coming. It was a loud boat. You’re here with me. Alone.” I tried to keep my voice in an even tone. I knew when people had flashbacks it could be dangerous for both parties. I had to bring him back to reality. “Baby, look at me. Look in my eyes.” Calling him baby was something I’d done since the day we dated until the day our divorce was finalized. “Look at me.” I repeated until his eyes were on mine.
He was frantic, and I could see he was in survivor mode. He was back in the war, and he was in danger.
“It’s just you and me. We’re safe.” I cupped his face in my hands. “There’s no one here. Remember, we went fishing today. Don’t you remember netting the fish, baiting my hook?” I softly rubbed my thumb along his cheekbones.
He glanced all around him. “Fishing?”
“Right. It’s me. Molly. We’re at your uncle’s cabin and we went fishing today.”
His knees gave way, and he collapsed. He held tightly around my waist and began to sob. My heart broke listening to his tears.
“Please, give me a drink. I need the memories to go away.” He pleaded. “I can’t live with them.”
I moved until I was face-to-face with him. “You don’t need to drink. You’re strong and we can get through this together.” I kissed his forehead. “I’m right here next to you. We’re going to get through this.”
He continued to cry, and I held him close. I rubbed his back, rocking back and forth. I told him over and over it’d be okay and I was here for him. I never saw Lars cry before, not like this. He may have teared up, but this was a whole other level of emotions. He needed to get into therapy and have a professional help him through this. I was strong, but I didn’t know if I was this strong. Especially as much as I loved him.
Once he calmed down I got him back to the cabin and sat him on the couch. I went to the kitchen and made him a hot cup of tea and a small bowl of soup. He hadn’t eaten all day and I knew it would help him. He wasn’t asleep. He was staring into space–lost in his own thoughts.
“Here.”
I brought the spoon to his mouth and he opened it. It was a robotic move, but he did it. I continued to feed him. He didn’t move, just had a blank stare. When the soup was gone, I took his hands to hold onto the cup of tea.
“It’s hot,” I said cautioning him. “Sip slowly.” He didn’t move. With my hands covering his, I helped him bring the cup to his lips. “Slowly,” I said again.
It took several moments to get the tea down. He was still in a trance, but I needed to get him up and into the bedroom. I removed his shoes and covered him with a blanket. I didn’t want to leave him until I was certain he was asleep so I laid on the other side of the bed for a few moments.
Once I was satisfied he wasn’t going to wake up for a little while, I went across the hall to my room. I pulled out all my medications and began to take out my pills. I’ve been trying to hide these from Lars, but I wasn’t sure how long I could keep up the ruse. The pills have been making me sicker in the morning, and it was getting harder and harder to be quiet.
I went down to the kitchen and took all the pills with one gulp of water. I sat at the breakfast bar with my head in my hands. Jameson was the only one who knew the truth, and I wanted it kept that way. My focus would be on Lars until I left. He needed someone strong to lean on and everyone else had a life but me.
I was still using my sick time from the hospital and I was hoping my next doctor’s visit would give me the timeline of when I could go back to work. I missed my job. Actually I missed working with the babies more, but it became too hard once the doctors delivered the news to me. It was a little easier with older people. Not less sad, just easier than seeing tiny, beautiful babies every day.
I fixed myself some soup because I didn’t want to dry heave tonight. It was gross to think of how much easier it was to throw up liquids, but it was easier. I sat on the couch and watched old sitcoms as I finished my food.
I went and checked on Lars again, and he was still sound asleep. I laid next to him and remembered all the nights I would watch him. I knew it was creepy, but I loved looking at him knowing he was all mine. He was forever going to be mine.
I STROKED HIS hair, letting it flow through my fingers. He was peacefully asleep. It was our first night in our own home. We used my inheritance from my dad’s passing to buy it. It was a huge step, but we were married, and it was the next step. However, we didn’t have any furniture and were sleeping on the floor with every blanket we were given.
“Why are you staring at me?” He mumbled and slowly opened his eyes. “It’s creepy.”
“No it’s not. I’m studying my husband.” I smirked.
“I like my new title, wife.” He grinned.
“I like mine as well.” I stroked his cheek. “You’re leaving soon.”
“I’m just going to basic training. It will be over before you know it.” He reassured me. “This is my career.”
“I know. I’m proud of you.”
“I love you, Molly, but you have to stop watching me sleep.”
“I will if I want to. I’m your wife.” I narrowed my eyes but couldn’t help the smile growing on my face. “I will do it forever.”
UNTIL IT ALL changed.
I felt the first jerk in my stomach, and I knew what was coming. I carefully but quickly moved to the bathroom further away from Lars and lost the contents of my stomach. It hurt, but I kept my sobbing as low as I possibly could. I took a cold, wet washcloth in case I couldn’t be quiet. It would muffle the sounds.
I didn’t know how long I was there, but I must have fainted or passed out because I woke up looking up at the ceiling. I did feel slightly better. At least well enough to stand and not throw up again. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and took several deep breaths. I needed to check on Lars and figure out how much time had passed.
When I opened the door, I was face-to-face with him, glaring at me.
“Want to tell me what’s going on?”
I swallow back the lump in my throat. “What do you mean?” Over the years I’ve perfected the words, I’m fine, nothing’s wrong, and don’t worry about me.
“Why are you sick?” He narrowed his eyes.
“I think I ate some bad ham or cheese. I threw it all away. I’m fine you don’t need to worry about me. Nothing’s wrong.” I give him a small smile. It was enough to throw him off for the moment. “What about you? Are you feeling ill as well?”
He shook his head. “No, I was just thirsty and couldn’t find you. I was hoping you were gone.”
His words stabbed me in my soul, but I played it off as a best actress would. “Too bad so sad for you, Russian Rocket.” I patted his arm and went into the kitchen.
It wouldn’t be long before I was gone and I could get back to doing what I do best. Pretending it was all okay.