Chapter Nine
Evie
Shit, darn, shit! My phone buzzes, and it’s a text message from him…the governor. I told him I was deaf, but I forgot, okay maybe I didn’t forget, I just neglected to mention that I’m also a single mother. I just figured one bomb set off was enough for a first date if that’s what the other night was. I don’t know. He’s texted me these last few days, but he never mentioned meeting up, so I assumed either I was friend-zoned or that he’s good at sending mixed signals. Now he wants to meet for dinner again, and excitement floats through me. Only one problem with this picture. If my deafness didn’t push him out the door then knowing I have a kid will. Gah!
I reply back.
Sorry, busy tonight.
I hate typing those words, but I don’t have a choice. Carter, my ten-year-old son, is with me five nights a week and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Knowing the governor’s affinity for sexual encounters, I think a kid doesn’t fit into his equation. The little dots roll on my screen, and my chest expands with anticipation. Carter taps my shoulder and asks me to tell Daddy he loves him, only I’m not texting his daddy, I’m texting the freaking Governor of Illinois.
“It’s not Daddy, just a friend,” I tell my son.
Don’t brush me off, Evie. I thought we had a good time the other night. I’m only suggesting dinner. Say yes to dinner. If you don’t like Mexican, we can order something else.
Oh boy! I once again feel like I’m in over my head. I try to think of how to respond.
Okay but I have someone here with me, and he loves burritos. Can you please get him two and I’ll take chicken fajitas with vegetables, no cheese.
I type back, and press send before I can overthink. When I reread my message my stomach sinks. I don’t know how my message will be received. Who will he think the ‘someone here’ is? What happens if he thinks it’s a girlfriend of mine? Oh jeez. I begin to sweat as I think that maybe he thought I just invited him over for some Mexican food and a threesome? I mean, I’ve seen the gossip columns. Just the search I did last night had numerous pictures of him with different women draped on his arm. He seems to be a serial dater, but it’s all speculation. Once again, I convince myself that he’s all wrong for me and yet I can’t stay away. Not when he’s pleading for me to say yes, which in itself is a crazy thought.
“Mommy, will you play Xbox with me?” Carter signs to me.
My son pulls me out of my frantic state. “Uh sure.” Before I put my phone down, I notice another text from Colton.
Perfect! Be there as soon as I can.
His words alone cause panic to bubble up inside me. For the next half hour, my son keeps me busy playing FIFA soccer. Of course, he kicks my butt every time because I have slow reflexes and my mind is trained on Colton making his way over here and what he will think when he meets Carter.
The red light at the front door flashes and I flinch as my heart skips a beat. Carter asks me using sign language if we are expecting company. I answer that I have a friend at the door and he nods and smiles to me. I hope it isn’t a mistake to bring Colton around Carter since I just met the man. A part of me wants Colton to understand my life before I actually get to know him. Carter is my entire life so Colton will need to understand that if he wants to date me. I’ve had men in my past that were simply not interested in taking things further once they realized I had a child. I’ve convinced myself that this is me being honest and upfront, but maybe a part of me is scared of my reaction to the governor, and this is me ensuring he won’t want to come back after tonight. Carter is an amazing kid but not everyone likes kids, and not everyone is built to raise them. My own childhood taught me that.
“Are you going to get that?” Carter reminds me we have a guest at the door. He usually uses a mix of words and sign. Especially when he sees I’ve missed something he’s said.
I nod and dash toward the door leaving him playing Xbox. The door swings open and I’m met with clear blue eyes and a panty-dropping smile. He looks casual again tonight in a Cubs T-shirt and a worn-in pair of blue jeans. He sure as hell doesn’t look like the sophisticated Governor of Illinois.
“Hi,” I say, grinning like a schoolgirl with a massive crush. It irks me that I can’t hide my feelings around him better.
“Hi yourself,” he waves. He’s holding a bag of food and has a silly grin on his face as he points to the inside of my apartment. “May I come in?” he asks.
I startle slightly when I realize how dazed I am around him. “Yes, of course, where are my manners?” He walks in and slips his running shoes off at the door. He carries the large paper bag he’s holding deep into my home. He stops in my family room and notices Carter then he looks back to me a curious look in his eye.
“Nephew?” he asks.
I shake my head. “I’m an only child.”
“I see.” His silence indicates he is waiting for an explanation. Carter notices he’s being watched and places the XBox remote down on the floor. He runs over to Colton with a wide smile.
“You must be Mommy’s friend. I’m Carter.” My ten-year-old son is amiable and vocal; I think from having two deaf parents. Carter smiles looking up at Colton who towers over him. I watch Colton process the fact that Carter just called me mommy. Is he getting ready to run? My breath feels lodged in the back of my throat as I wait for Colton to show me what he’s thinking. “You’re a Cubs fan, huh?” my son continues, and I can only imagine that my son said that comment in a disdainful way since him and his daddy like watching the White Sox play.
“I am,” Colton confirms only his face reveals nothing. “But I also like to root for the White Sox too,” he answers. I sense uneasiness in his mannerisms.
“You like both teams?” my son asks, and I note the surprised look on his face.
“I’m the Governor of Illinois, I feel it’s my civic duty to support all of Chicago’s sports teams,” Colton says in a way I’m sure sounds very professional. By the look on Carter’s face, I can tell he’s confused.
“Your civic what?” my son asks, scrunching up his little nose.
“Civic duty,” Colton repeats. “My apology, I’m not very good with kids.” Those words are directed at me and my stomach sinks. I feel like the worst mother for bringing Colton around my son too soon. What was I thinking? I bet this is goodbye.
“That’s okay. I get it. I’m pretty mature for my age though so you don’t need to worry,” Carter answers and I swear I want to pinch his adorable cheeks in this exact moment because my son is right, he is mature and very used to speaking to adults since he plays middle man when we go places.
“I don’t need to worry, huh?” Colton asks, hesitantly smiling warmly at Carter before his gaze lifts to mine and his eyebrows crease with worry. I want to crawl out of my skin. I feel so foolish and so very inexperienced at this moment around this man. What must be going through his mind? I brought him over for what he thought would be a dinner date while I have my son here. He was probably after a booty call when he offered dinner. Not a quiet night at home with a family. A family rounded off by Jake, even though we weren’t together in the biblical sense.
“Colton,” I take a step forward, unsure how uneven my voice sounded. “I understand if you have other plans for tonight,” I say, giving him an out that wouldn’t raise my son’s curiosity.
Colton’s dark brows pinch together, and the uneasiness that had settled into his features turned into a more contemplative look as he stared at Carter and me.
“I’m staying.” He smiles at me, but I sensed the challenge in his demeanor. “I brought burritos, and we’re going to sit and eat burritos.” I couldn’t hear Colton’s voice, but he was smiling like a little boy while he looked down to my son and so I gave whatever this was a chance.
“Yay,” Carter must have screamed because he was suddenly airborne.
I take a step toward Colton. “Burritos it is,” I say, taking the bag. My son was jumping up and down as we made our way to the kitchen. I get some plates out of the cabinets and pass them to my son to set the table. Then I get some cutlery since I eat my fajitas with a fork which I know was weird, but hey. I take the iced tea I just made out of the fridge, and some apple juice for Carter, and the three of us sit down for a Mexican dinner.
“Do you get to watch baseball games live?” Carter asks Colton as he takes a large bite of his burrito.
“I do. I get front row seats, and sometimes they let me on the field to pitch a few balls during practice,” Colton explains.
My son’s blue eyes grow wide. I am having a hard time keeping up with their conversation since they are speaking back and forth too fast for me to read their lips. The protective mother in me felt like a colossal fuck up. I used my son to get rid of Colton. I was being selfish and made a stupid mistake. Now I was paying for it dearly because my son liked Colton. There wasn’t much not to like, but I didn’t want to risk Carter befriending him only to see him walk away. Even though he had a stable father in Jake.
“Maybe you can come to a game with me sometime,” Colton offers. I caught on to those words, and I’m a little floored he’s invited my son out to a game.
“Um.” I clear my throat and hope I am speaking loud enough when I say, “I’m sure the Governor is a busy man. We shouldn’t impose on him.”
“The governor?” Carter asks with a questioning look.
Colton takes a napkin and wipes some sauce off his lip. “Carter wouldn’t be imposing. It would be cool to take him to a game and hang out,” he says, and I feel like my lower lip may be hanging slightly open. What was happening here?
“Yeah Mom, it’d be cool,” Carter repeats. “What is the governor anyway? I thought you said your name is Colton?” Carter gives Colton a confused look.
Colton throws his head back laughing. I wonder what his laugh sounded like. When I first became deaf, I missed hearing so much, but then there came a time where I appreciated my quiet world. Then Carter was born, and I questioned my existence because I had a son who could hear and it terrified me. We learned to get by quite nicely. Now I was questioning myself again because here I was, the perfect man sitting at my dinner table, only he wasn’t perfect for me. Statistics show that long-term relationships didn’t have a high success rate when one person was hearing and the other was deaf. There are enough challenges in life.
“Hmm.” Colton brows creased. “Help me out here Evie.” He looks to me with a crooked grin.
“The governor is someone that is in government. Meaning responsible for running the state and passing executive laws,” I say, knowing it was a little too much information for my ten-year-old.
“Sure whatever!” Carter waves off my words. “You get to sit front row at games and pitch a ball. That makes you cool even if you are the governor.”
Colton begins to laugh so hard he put his burrito down, and that makes me laugh because yes, I find Carter adorable but I also find Colton’s reaction to my son charming too. And for a mama that meant trouble.
Carter gives us a weird look like he doesn’t understand what us adults found so amusing. Then he finished off his burrito. When my son was done eating he asks if he could be excused and I nod. Carter goes to the sink and places his dirty plate inside, then saunters off to the family room to play more XBox. I usually limit his playtime but tonight would be an exception.
“He’s a great kid,” Colton smiles to me.
“Thanks.” I grin, but I feel like I owe him an explanation. I stop eating for a minute. “I’m sorry, I should’ve mentioned something about Carter last time.”
Colton shakes his head. “No, you shouldn’t have. We had a dinner date. A first date. You didn’t have to say anything. You don’t owe me an explanation, but I feel like I owe you one,” he explains, and something about his body language makes me tense. Was this the part when he stood up and told me to have a good life? Shit! I hate feeling so vulnerable especially when it comes to a man, but my history and my life caused me to have vulnerabilities that I grappled with almost daily.
“Okay,” I say warily.
Colton sits back in his chair. He is no longer eating, and his shoulders slightly hunched forward. He looks almost vulnerable, but that doesn’t make sense. I was off. My reading of him is wrong. “Evie. I like you. I can’t stop thinking about you from the minute I saw you.” His eyes turn serious as his blue eyes stare right through me. My frayed nerves make me feel the need to crack a joke about the cream pie I threw to his face, but I hold back not wanting to break the sincerity of the moment. My chest warms, but my armor is up expecting a goodbye. “It’s just…” he pauses staring at me while looking like a million thoughts was rushing through his mind at once. “I’ve never been in a relationship. I was raised without a family. I’m not used to being around kids.” His body language told me that his confession was filled with such deep emotion my heart hurt for him. He wasn’t the strong, powerful man that the media portrayed at this moment he was just Colton Mathis a simple man with a broken past. A past I could relate to.
“I understand,” I say, placing my hand on his thigh over where his hand rests. The gesture was to console him. Even though I should’ve been consoling myself because even though I knew him for a short time, I truly feel heartbroken. It doesn’t make sense. When I touch him, I don’t want to feel the same jolt of electricity I felt a few nights ago when we kissed. Yet, it is there, and it runs through every fiber in my body. His eyes meet mine, and I see recognition. He is feeling it too, and through that connection, our pain feels understood, accepted. I didn’t know I could feel this way. I am sure the earth has tilted slightly sideways as gravity urges me to hold him, touch him, understand his pain even though he is saying goodbye. I have to accept his decision. Respect it. Hell, before I found out I was pregnant I didn’t want kids. I thought I would make a shitty parent like my mom. I understand Colton right now. Even though I would love to show him that there is another path in life…one filled with family and acceptance. The road I found with Jake and Carter. Except I know, I can’t push that on him. We’re wrong for each other despite our strong attraction.
“No, you don’t.” He picks my chin up so that we were eye level and repeats, “You don’t understand because even though I’m completely out of my element, I want to get to know you and your son,” he says, and I swear my ovaries burst. I hear a whoosh of blood pound quickly through my body making me feel so very alive and so very attracted to this man. “I can’t make any promises. My record of accomplishment with women is less than stellar but I want this, I want it badly. I don’t understand it, and I understand if my words want to make you run but please don’t run, don’t even walk away. Give me a small chance and let‘s just see,” he stops talking. I wonder if I have read all those words from his lips correctly or if this is a delusion.
“My son lives with me most of the time. He goes to his father to sleep two evenings a week. That means I’m a full-time parent. He comes first. I know that probably isn’t a situation you’re used to but it’s who I am. I’m a parent first, my needs come second.” My emotions overpower me as I stand up from my chair and begin to clear the table. Colton remains rooted to his seat as I place dishes in the sink. I am giddy, nervous, happy, and scared all at once. I startle when I feel the warmth of his hand on my shoulder. I stop rinsing the dishes and dry my hands. His hand is now guiding me to turn around and look at him.
“You’re shaking,” he says, making me realize that I am truly shaking. My emotions are all over the map because of this man I barely know. “I don’t want to upset you, and I don’t want to walk away from you. What you just said about your son makes me respect you more than you’ll ever know. I’m glad you put him first. He’s a lucky kid. Can I settle for getting all of your extra time?” His grin is lopsided as he asks the question, his blue eyes warm and inviting like the soft waves in the Caribbean Sea.
“You’re very confusing.” I take a step away from him because having him standing so close clouds my judgment.
He remains close, placing his large hand on my shoulder once again and urging me to look at him. He seems to have caught on to the fact that I need a clear view of his lips to communicate. “Get to know me, and you won’t find me so confusing. I normally don’t share details about my personal life with women, but I want to share those details with you,” he pauses, his facial features filling with emotion, pain. I notice how his breathing changes right before he says, “My mother walked out on my father and me when I was five.” His revelation makes my heart come to a complete halt. I have to remind myself to breathe. “The fact that you care for your son so much put him first. I love that. I don’t want to come in between that. He’s a great kid…” he stops speaking again, and I take the time to absorb his gestures. Watch how torn up he is. I sense he wants to say more but is holding back.
“My mom left when I was seven, and my father died when I was two. I was lucky Grandpa Jack took me in. Mom had a hard time trying to raise a deaf kid on her own…” I shake my head because I always make excuses for her even though I know that they’re just excuses. Mothers shouldn’t leave their children behind. Since Carter was born, I understand her less. “I don’t know how a mother does that,” I say, surprised I allowed those words to leave my lips. I don’t think I’ve admitted that aloud before. Colton gives me a knowing look, and before I can say another word, he wraps his strong arms around me and holds me tight. Then he pulls his head back and bends his knees so that we are eye level and asks, “I hope this is okay.” His smile is wide.
“It’s more than okay,” I grin. His arms wrapped around me feel heavenly. He understands my commitment to my son, and he still wants to get to know me. I mumble in my head. I want to guard my heart because I’ve been hurt and I’ve experienced loss, and it terrifies me. Only I can’t defend my heart because Colton has a way of finding cracks in my armor and slithering underneath my shield.
I don’t notice my son entering the kitchen, but I feel Colton turn his head and look down to Carter. I pull out of his embrace.
“Sir, I was wondering if you wanted to play Xbox with me?” Carter’s lips move, but he also signs.
“Carter, Colton probably…” I begin, but Colton picks up a hand and motions for me to wait a minute.
“You don’t need to call me Sir. I’m a friend. Call me Colton.” His cerulean eyes are filled with warmth and creased at the sides as he smiles down at my son.
“My mom called you governor, so I wasn’t sure,” Carter responds.
Colton laughs. “Just Colton and I love Xbox. Which games do you have?” He follows Carter into the next room. I dry my hands off and follow them into the next room taking a seat behind them on the couch. For some reason, I enjoy watching them interact.
“Minecraft, Halo, NBA, FIFA.” I watch as my son goes on listing his games.
“Let’s put on the NBA that way I don’t embarrass myself in front of your mom,” Colton smirks while copping a squat on the carpet in front of the TV. Huh? Was this happening or was I daydreaming? Carter popped the game in and set things up then sat next to Colton. I went to sit on the other edge of the couch so I could see their faces.
“I’m warning you I’m not very good. I got my first video game when I was thirty,” Colton smiles. Carter continues to play the game.
“Really? Didn’t you play video games as a boy? My dad and I love video games,” Carter explains, and I love that he can refer to something he likes with his dad. I didn’t have that kind of upbringing with a close family, so I appreciated that my son had that even more.
“No, my dad was pretty strict. There were no video games allowed in our house. I was busy doing other things like school work.”
Carter scrunched up his face. “I’m sorry. That doesn’t sound like much fun.” He was getting carried away with the game remote. “My dad still has his Atari and old Nintendo. When I go over to his place we play the games he played with as a boy; it’s pretty cool, they don’t make them like they used too,” Carter explains, sounding very mature. It sounds like something Jake would have said.
“Your dad is a lucky guy then.” Colton smiles to Carter just as Carter scores a goal on him. I was beginning to think that Colton was allowing my son to win on purpose. Colton turned to look back at me with a wide smirk and winked. My hunch was right. Colton was making a real effort with my son and whether I liked it or not I couldn’t control the little butterflies that danced in my stomach knowing that was true.