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The moment I woke up, I knew I was in the bed alone. I jumped to my feet as my eyes darted to the clock. It was still early. Was Ryder still here?

I heard a commotion in the kitchen and peeked my head out of my bedroom door. Ryder was in the kitchen, then he was lacing up his shoes and I sprang into action. I slipped on my shoes, threw on a sweater and pulled my hair back into a band.

Ryder left the house, and I slid right out after him two seconds later. He walked down the busy streets of New York City, and I followed. Not too close, definitely not far enough to lose him. I had to know.

Where was he going? Where did he live? Please someone tell me something about this guy?

I was afraid for a moment I would lose him if he dropped down into the subway tunnels, but I stayed hopeful, and right on his fucking tail. Actually, I was pretty good at this shit, and thought about starting a future in private eye work.

When Ryder slowed near a building, I paused. He walked up the steps and disappeared behind the glass door. I took a few steps toward the entrance, but not wanting to be seen I decided to hold back a few minutes.

When I felt the coast was clear, I stepped inside the building. It was a huge lobby, and I didn’t know what I was doing. A man behind the counter glanced at me, asking me if I had an appointment.

“No, I’m sorry.” I stepped up to the counter and peered at him for answers. Why couldn’t this random man behind the counter answer all of my unasked questions about Ryder?

“Well, Dr. Nevins is very busy. Maybe you can make an appointment and come back.”

“Sure, absolutely.” I turned on my heel, and bolted from the building.

Gained with enough to play detective a little more, I pulled out my phone and typed in the name. Images of a Dr. Dawn Nivens filled my phone. She was a PhD, a psychiatrist, specializing with PTSD patients from the military. Military? Ryder was seeing a shrink?

Walking back to my place, my mind swirled with so many questions. I needed answers, and it was time Ryder started answering them.

When I made it back to my apartment, I opened the door and was met with Grant’s big eyes.

“Hey, Helena. How are you? It’s been a while, so I figured I’d stop by.”

“What in the morning? Before noon?” Anyone who was anyone in my life knew I never made it out of my bed before noon. Working in a bar, well, it was a zombie life I led. I was fine with it too. Early to bed, early to rise….I was the complete opposite.

“I just haven’t heard from you. I was worried.”

“Ha, yeah sure,” I said, pushing past him and flinging my body onto the couch.

“So, how have you been?”

“Really, Grant? You’re going to come over here and start with idle pleasantries? Please, I think you should go. It was fun while it lasted.” I’ll admit I was rude, a little rough around the edges, but sugar coating something that was never was….was well, just plain dumb. Nothing that never was- wasn’t. Okay, just some ridiculousness to consider.

Anyways, his eyes were wide like the ocean, and his mouth opened and closed like he was bobbing for apples at the damn county fair. He stood center in my living room, when there was a knock on my front door.

Oh God, kill me please. Who could that be?

Grant held his hand out for me to stay seated as he walked to the door and flung it open. And of course, right on fucking cue was Ryder. Looking dreamy and out of sorts as well. When I noticed his expression, I rose from the couch. Afraid to get too close.

Okay, Grant was being a hindrance and I needed him to go, because staring at Ryder he didn’t appear so good.

“Grant, I think you should go,” I said, making my way to the door.

Ryder stepped inside and his smile was immediate. “Yeah Grant, I think you should go.”

“What?” Grant still didn’t get it, did he?

Ryder chuckled, a sexy chuckle at that and crossed his arms over his massive muscle-clad chest. “You heard the lady.”

“Fuck you,” Grant spat as he rushed out the door.

I didn’t think I’d be hearing from him ever again. Good.

Ryder walked inside and sank onto the couch as I shut the front door. The air was thick, and all of that. Swirling in the air was my questions I couldn’t bring myself to ask. I mustered up some courage and sat down beside him.

“You have to level with me Ryder, what’s going on?”

He turned to face me, fear in his eyes and then he let out a loud breath. “Fuck, okay I’ll tell you everything.”

Finally, my body wanted to stand up and start singing ‘Hallelujah’ while dancing simultaneously along with it.

His face grew solemn, and I could tell by the way he was hesitating he didn’t want to continue. I grabbed his hand in mine and offered him an encouraging smile. See, I could be nice when I wanted to be.

“I was in the military…fuck, no, I fought hard for my country. I saw things no one should ever see. I experienced things no man should ever have to experience.”

I scooted closer as he continued, “After my time overseas, I left the military and now I don’t know. After I left I came home, and everyone expected me to go back to normal. But, how could I? I didn’t even know what normal was anymore.”

“I’m sorry.” I was at a loss for words and tried my hardest to offer up some profound words of wisdom. But, let’s face it…I knew nothing of war. I knew nothing of what these brave women and men fought for to ensure our freedom.

He drew in a breath before he continued, “When I came home, my mother would stop by daily to check in on me. It was driving me insane. She figured I needed to talk with someone, and set up an appointment with a psychiatrist. I was furious, so I got the job at the club to piss her off. Then I stopped going home.”

Again, at a loss for words I just nodded.

“Then it wasn’t long until I couldn’t feel anything anymore. Like anything, I became a shell. Just kind of going through the motions. Do you know what that’s like, Helena?”

I shook my head. “No.”

Maybe I did, I mean it wasn’t like my life was all glam and glitter. I was a barmaid, and going nowhere. I felt things, but lately it felt more like all I ever felt was anger. Why was I always so angry? I spoke up before he could respond, “Actually, I haven’t felt anything in a long time either, well except for anger.”

“Why are you so angry?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I whispered.

Ryder’s eyes met mine and he leaned in to grab my cheek with his hand. “Helena, for some reason you are the first person to make me feel, again.” His lips met mine, and I couldn’t think straight.

My heart opened, and I wanted to feel again too. All of my life I couldn’t understand how I got to this point. A few weeks ago, I wanted more than anything to leave New York, thinking it was the city’s fault as to why I was always angry. But, no it was me.

“Ryder, I want to feel you,” I muttered.

Ryder’s eyes held mine as he pressed his lips to mine again. He picked my body up off the couch and carried me off to my bedroom for one of the most intense love making sessions ever. I’d tell you all about it, but it was personal. Just me and him, together.