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A few days later, I was getting somewhere with Ryder, but I still had a niggling sensation rooted deep within. What do I want in life?

I didn’t know anything about military life or PTSD and wasn’t sure how much I would be able to help Ryder in the long run. Although, he did say I was the first person to make him feel anything.

And, if I’m being honest. He has been the first person to wake me up from this mood of destruction I felt as if I lived in. Like a sun had come into my orbit to make everything fall into place. A sense of awareness and all that other jazz was now this utter mess inside me and I wanted to figure my life out. But how?

I decided not to think about it too much as I woke up and traveled into my living room. Ryder was nowhere to be found and I figured he was with his shrink.

Maybe I should see one?

I picked up my phone and dialed Waverly’s number.

“Hey,” I said into the phone when he picked up on the second ring.

“Hi, buttercup. You okay?”

I took a deep, cleansing breath. “What’s wrong with me?”

He laughed. “What are you serious? Nothing’s wrong with you sugar.”

“No, seriously. I have major issues.”

It was his turn to take a big, noisy breath as he spoke. “Everyone’s got issues. You’re still young and figuring things out. What’s making you feel this way?”

“I don’t know. Remember the bartender?”

“Yeah, the cowboy?”

“Well…” I trailed off.

“Get out. You and he ….Oh my God,” he squealed into my ear like a pig.

“It is all so weird. And he brought me to his place, but he lives with me. And I really like him.” I was breathing rapidly from the excitement.

I can tell he’s excited to.

“So, what? You’re like a couple now?” Waverly asked.

“I don’t know. It’s all so complicated. I guess we are but I don’t really know.”

“Well, can you ask him? Tell him how you feel.”

Tell him how I feel? Doesn’t that usually make men run for the hills? But, he had a point. Maybe I shouldn’t be afraid and just face the situation head on. And tell Ryder how I feel.

That’s exactly what I’ll do. We’ve shared things. I mean really shared things. So why not?

“Thanks, Wave,” I said, hanging up the phone.

When Ryder gets home, I’ll be sure to tell him everything.

 

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And I wait. And wait and wait for Ryder to come home. To my home. But, it never happened. It was getting late and I wondered where he was.

I tried his cell, nothing.

I piddled around my apartment, cleaning every square inch. I turned on some music, throwing my hair around as I pranced.

Hours and hours go by, and finally around sometime in the middle of the night, I passed out.

Two days later, still nothing. He hadn’t been to work. The managers had no clue, and I’m worried.

After a week, I realized Ryder was gone. I’d stalked his shrink’s office.

And finally, after another week, I strolled into work and low and behold...there he was. All smiles and fun.

My face grew hot with anger. With a boiling hot heat anger. I was furious.

I marched up to him, past the empty tables and waitresses setting everything up.

“Ryder,” I said.

He spun around. “Helena, hey.”

He didn’t even sound remorseful. Or anything. That was not helping my anger.

“Where have you been?” I sounded needy but, I didn’t care.

His eyes bounced around the dimly lit bar as he chuckled. “Out.”

Oh no. The anger unleashed. I couldn’t contain it if I tried. “Out?”

“Yeah, you know...out.” He shrugged.

Oh, I can be out. My bitchy side came out. Full blast.

I turned and walked away, and spend the entire night making him jealous. I hang on all the drunk men, telling me my hair is the color of rain.

I laughed all night long. Loving the attention. And trying my hardest not to glance at Ryder.

Every so often, his eyes would meet mine. He looked lost.

But, I didn’t care. No, I was out.

I spotted Grant walking toward me. Ah, perfect. He’ll come in handy.

“Hey, Helena.”

“Grant.” I grabbed his arm, taking him to a secluded area in the back. Down the dusty hallways and into the break room.

I swung around, throwing my arms around his neck. I planted my lips smack dab on his. This is fine. This is working. See, I’m halfway over Ryder already.

Grant’s tongue tickled along mine, and I tried not to bust out laughing. His hands traveled south. His fingers dug into my skin.

This is perfect.

No thoughts of Ryder entered my brain. Instead, they were already there. And I tried to pretend this was working, but it wasn’t.

Before I could do anything, Grant’s body was being plucked away from mine.

My eyes opened, and I saw Ryder.

His face was angry, his eyes on fire.

“What the hell is going on?” he shouted.

Grant wiped his mouth and loosened from Ryder’s hold. “Are you fucking kidding me, Helena. This guy?”

I shook my head. “Out. Both of you out.”

I pushed on both their shoulders as they glared at each other. Ryder tried to speak, but I wasn’t letting either get a word in.

Thrusting them out into the busy club, I made my way to the restroom. I needed a minute.

Who did Ryder think he was?

I continued my shift in silence. Barely making eye contact with anyone, especially Ryder.

Grant ended up leaving after one too many shots of bourbon. Which I was happy to see him go. Very.

Ryder didn’t mention a word about the bathroom incident, and I pretended not to notice.

But inside I was dying. A little crack here, another there. More than anything I wanted to go back to the night we made love.

Well, I thought it was love.

How stupid of me.

I traveled home in a blur. Sure, Ryder tried to get my attention. He even tried to follow me, but I showed him my can of pepper spray and he backed off.

I wasn’t in the mood for an official break up. Truth is, we were never an item. So, I shouldn’t be taking it as hard as I was.

But, it didn’t help. All the pep talks. All the motivational bull shit. It didn’t help. I was hurting. I was sad. And more than anything, I missed him.

His laugh. His smile. The way he made me laugh. I missed it all.

I tore into my apartment, a mad woman wanting nothing more than to cry herself to sleep.

I shut my phone off, turned my music as loud as it could go, and sunk onto the couch.

Fuck men. Fuck everyone.

I guess I shouldn’t be so upset, but I was.

And I was happy being sad.

Don’t hear that everyday, do ya?

But, I was happy wallowing away in my self pity. Feeling sorry for myself. This was good.

This was fine.

A knock at my door pulled me out of my thoughts. It was Grant. Maybe Ryder. But, whoever it was I wanted that person to go away.

“Go away,” I shouted over the loud music.

Another knock.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Ryder shouted through the door.

My heart flipped, and I scolded her. Don’t flip flop when he speaks. Don’t do anything at all.

He kept knocking. Again, and again. Over and over.

Ugh.

I stomped to the front door and swung it open. “What?” I clipped.

“Helena, please help me.”

As my eyes took in his face, I couldn’t help but open the door for him further. His eyes were bloodshot, as if he’d been crying. His slumped posture was pathetic and sad.

He wore a black leather jacket over a white t-shirt and his jeans.

“Are you okay?” I asked as I closed the door behind him.

“No.” He shook his head.

His eyes sank into mine, feeding me his pity. My heart cracked at the seams.

I led him to the sofa, and as we sat down together I was a bundle of nerves. I twisted my fingers in my lap like I was knitting a fucking sweater. I waited on baited breath for him to speak.

“Please say something,” I said, unable to take the silence anymore.

“I’m sorry.”

Good start.

“For?” I egged him on.

Ever had those people who drag out a story? Well, that’s what he was doing. I wanted to shake him to get on with it, but I could tell with one glance at him, he was trying his hardest.

“Everything. I thought I could handle everything. But, the truth is...I’m a fucking train wreck.”

I laid my hand atop his along his thigh.

“You’re not that bad.” I smiled.

“I got scared. You scared me. I didn’t know what to think. So, I ran to my parent’s house upstate.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Ryder, I only want to help you. I care about you.” I scooted closer.

His big eyes shined with tears. “I know you do. And I care about you too.”

I wanted to say more. Like, no I really really care about you, but I refrained like a good girl. No sense making him run again.

He hugged me, but something still felt amiss.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“You and Grant...you’re not back together or anything, are you?”

I smiled a big smile. “No. I hadn’t seen him since before you left until that night. And I wanted to make you jealous.”

His face lit up like the sky on the fourth of July. “Well, it worked.”

He leaned into kiss me, and I let him. Over and over again.

 

 

The End