“I’m not taking no for an answer. It’s my birthday.”

I pick up a box cutter and carefully slice through the packing tape. “I don’t know, Lisa,” I say to my cousin, who also doubles as my best friend. “There’s a lot to do here tonight.”

I don’t have to look up to feel her incredulous stare.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I mean, we just got this shipment in and I have five-hundred dollars to spend on new orders tonight.”

“Tonight?”

Her one-word questions further prove how little she believes me. “And this has to be done on a Friday night? Don’t most places not process orders over the weekend?”

“No, lots of places ship every day of the week. And it’s going to take time going through the catalog, plus I’ve been slowly convincing Mrs. Williams to stock more indie books.” Since Jake died over a year ago, I haven’t felt like myself. It’s like part of me died with him, and all that remained was the part of me that does day-to-day tasks, surviving, getting by and fooling those around me.

But not living.

I flick my eyes up from the box of books in front of me and see Lisa’s face. She’s annoyed and concerned, like everyone else close to me, though Lisa is one of the few who didn’t put a time limit on my grief. But I know it won’t last forever, and I don’t want to throw away a lifetime of friendship.

“Sierra, please,” she says softly. “I miss hanging out with you.”

I remove packing paper from the box of books and close my eyes in a long blink. Lisa is my only remaining friend. Everyone else ran out of patience, it seems, and didn’t feel comfortable hanging out with me. I don’t want to lose Lisa too.

“I guess it could wait,” I start.

“Fuck yes!” Lisa exclaims and then winces. “Sorry,” she says to the customers milling about the store. “We’ve missed you, Sierra. So much.”

“Who’s all going?” I ask and try to ignore the instant regret I feel for agreeing to go. Though even before I became the shell of my former self, I wasn’t much of a going-out person. I enjoyed quiet nights at home reading or binging a show on Netflix.

“The usual crew: Katie, Bella, and Heather. But not Francine. I can’t stand that bitch.”

“I can’t either. She’s too judgmental.”

“She’s worse than me, and I’m a very judgey person,” Lisa quips.

“What’s the dress code?”

“Sexy.” She lifts her hand and points at me, pushing her eyebrows together. “Don’t think I forgot what a total knockout you are. I’m still jealous you broke the Belmont curse of the flat chest.”

I laugh and shake my head. “Trust me, I’d trade with you any day. Especially in this heat. The sweat dripping between my boobs all day is so lovely.”

“Well, put those suckers to good use tonight and get us some free drinks. Flirt a little and have some fun. I want to see you enjoying life again.”

I smile at her words but feel the dull edge of the knife in my heart. “I do too.” And I do, but I fear the void inside is too big to ever be filled.

* * *

I sit on the edge of my bed looking down at my multi-colored pastel heels. It’s the only thing I’ve put on so far other than a bra and underwear, and am having a hard time picking out an outfit for tonight. I ordered these shoes the week before Jake died, and since the flower design is hand-painted, they didn’t arrive until after his funeral. I’ve never worn them until tonight.

Standing, I go to my closet and look through my clothes. I settle on a white sundress with flowers stitched onto the thin straps. I put it on, and go into the bathroom to do my hair and makeup. I keep things simple and add big, loose curls and just a bit of eye shadow and mascara.

When I step back and look at myself in the mirror, it’s like I’m looking into the past, and I’m overcome with longing again. But this time, it’s for the woman I used to be. I want to be her again, though the thought of laughing and going out with friends, of moving on, makes me feel guilty.

Lisa calls to say she’s in the driveway waiting for me, saving me from thinking about it too much. I double check to make sure I unplugged my curling iron, then hurry through the house and go out the door.

“You look amazing!” she gushes when I get in the passenger side and buckle up.

“So do you,” I say back and hand her a wrapped box. “Happy birthday.”

“Sierra, you didn’t have to get me anything!”

“It’s not much,” I say. “And is kinda lame.”

“You’re always lame,” she says as she tears into the paper. “I don’t expect much from you, you know.”

“Keep the expectations low, that’s my motto.”

Lisa laughs and pulls a picture frame from the box. “Awww, this isn’t lame at all.” She blinks away tears and looks at the photo of us, arms wrapped around each other. We were six years old in that picture and were matching Disney princesses for Halloween. “Oh my God, look at how cute we were! This makes me feel so old! Thanks, love!”

“There’s one more thing.”

Lisa unfolds the tissue paper and screams. “Chainsmokers tickets! Holy fuck, Si!”

“So, I take it you’re excited?”

“Yes! Oh my God, yes! Thank you!”

I smile, feeling my heart warm. It’s such a strange feeling, one I forgot how much I missed. “I figured you and Rob can go. Assuming you haven’t gotten rid of him yet.”

Lisa laughs. “What about me and you? Oh, uh, yeah. Rob would love to go.” She looks at the tickets, no doubt seeing the date of the concert and not pushing the issue. She leans over the center console and hugs me. “Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome. I’m glad you like it.”

“I love it.” She packs the frame and the tickets back in the box, sets it in the backseat and puts the car in drive. “I’d offer to buy you a drink tonight, but I think the girls will do all the work for you.” She raises her eyebrows and looks at my breasts. “Seriously, it’s not fair.”

“Try running with these things. Or riding horses. Or just laying down and being comfortable.”

“Like you’d really give them up.”

I shake my head. “Never. But I can humbly brag about how annoying having big boobs is all day.”

“Exactly my point.”

We both laugh and things almost feel normal on the short drive to The Mill House bar. The bar is busy tonight since beer is half-off on Friday nights. Katie, Bella, and Heather are already there and have already started drinking.

“Happy birthday!” they cheer and embrace Lisa before turning to me.

“We’re so glad you came out!” Katie says and wraps her arms around my shoulders. “I’ve missed you!”

“I’ve missed you ladies too,” I say, not wanting to make a big deal about anything. Though in truth, I can’t remember the last time I saw my friends. Christmas, maybe? They’ve made no effort to connect with me, but to be fair, I haven’t made any attempt either. Time’s gone by fast the last year and has crept along at the same time.

“We got a pitcher of margaritas,” Bella tells us, and pours two glasses and hands one to me. I take a small sip and slide into the booth. “And it’s karaoke tonight. Who’s singing with me?”

“Me! Just let this sink in a bit,” Lisa says and takes a big gulp of her drink, then makes a face from the rush of cold. We all laugh. I slowly nurse my drink just to blend in but don’t want to drink it. An hour passes, and I’m not miserable. I’m talking with my friends, laughing at their jokes, and fully mixing in. It’s almost like I’m having a good time, but this all feels pretend, like I’m just playing along, acting but not feeling.

They go through another pitcher of drinks, and Lisa and Bella get up to sing “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls. I get up to go to the bathroom, and come back to find Rob, Lisa’s on-and-off-again boyfriend sitting close next to her in the booth. He has friends with him too, and overall, they’re all nice guys who grew up in Summer Hill.

“Sierra,” he says, blue eyes widening. “Hey. It’s good to see you out again. I mean, not again. I, uh…” He turns to Lisa, who rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

“Don’t mind him, he’s an idiot.”

I smile. “It’s okay. I know I haven’t been out in a long time. You guys don’t have to sugarcoat it.”

Rob gives me a curt nod. “Good. Hey, you’ve met my friend Talon before, right?”

“Yeah, a few times.” I take my seat, which is subsequently next to Talon. He’s a few years older than me and is an attractive man with dark skin and expressive eyes. “Hi,” I say to him, feeling awkward.

“Hi, Sierra,” he says back, giving me a kind smile. “So, Lisa couldn’t get you to go up and sing?”

“No way. I don’t do singing in public. Or speaking.” I shudder and shake my head.

“I bet you’d be good at it.”

“Not at all.” I reach for my glass and slide it in front of me. I watch a grain of salt fall down the side, stuck in a little bead of condensation. The watermelon margarita is delicious, and getting drunk and crazy with my friends would do me some good. But the last time I drank, it brought out the emotional side of me, and that’s the last thing my friends need to deal with right now. No one wants to claim responsibility of the drunk girl in the bathroom crying about her boyfriend, no matter the circumstances. So I take a small sip and put the glass down, careful not to even let myself get tipsy.

I turn and look at Talon, admiring his muscles and the clean-cut lines of his jaw. He smells good, looks good, and I want to feel something toward him.

But I don’t. I don’t feel anything, and the more I watch my friends enjoy life, the more panicked I feel that something is irreplaceably broken inside of me.

My friends finish off their drinks and grow restless, and decide to move the party to Rob’s house for a bonfire. I decline, saying that I’m going to order food and head home, taking Lisa’s car back to my place.

I used to love barn parties like that, but can’t right now. I can only hold up the front that everything is okay for a little while, and my soul is tired. I’m going to stumble and fall soon, dropping the facade and revealing to everyone that there’s nothing left inside me.