I flip open the pocketknife and look at the blade. It’s dull from use over the years but still gets the job done. I bring my finger to the tip, feeling the sharpness of the metal. I press it into my skin, welcoming the pain.

My head drops and I close my eyes. Tears rain down on the box in front of me. It’s Monday morning, and I’m alone at The Book Bag. A big shipment of signed books just arrived, and I should be ecstatic.

I cannot stop crying.

I miss Chase.

I miss his arms around me. I miss the way he made me laugh. I miss how safe I felt with him snuggled up next to me at night.

I miss the way I trusted him.

I miss the lie he led me to believe.

I just miss him.

My body shudders from a sob, and the dull blade slices into my skin. Warm blood pools on the tip of my finger, dripping down onto my hand. I watch it, knowing I should get up and wash the cut, yet I’m unable to move.

My phone rings again, for the tenth time this morning. Chase keeps calling, and I haven’t answered. He leaves a message every time he calls, and I don’t know if he’s trying to be ironic or not. I haven’t listened to a single message. It’s like the rug’s been pulled from beneath my feet, and the man I thought I knew and loved is a different person. The betrayal runs deep, and it’s not something I can look past. Not yet at least.

Everyone warned me about him.

They said he was dangerous.

I guess they were right.

My finger starts to throb. I set the knife on top of the box and get up, going through the store to the backroom. I wash out the cut, watching the water push the flap of skin back. I’m too numb inside to react. I wait until the water running off my hand goes from red to clear, and then I bandage my finger up and go back to the storefront and open the box. Burying myself in work is what got me through the aftermath of losing Jake. As long as I have the store, I can keep my mind busy enough to get by.

Maybe.

Doubtfully.

Because it feels like everything inside of me is dead. It won’t take long before it starts to fester and rot away.

I take a stack of Scarlett Levine’s latest book and start putting them away on the shelf when someone comes into the store.

“Sierra?” Lisa calls. “I brought you coffee.” She comes around the aisle and extends a to-go cup.

“You can put it on the counter,” I answer flatly.

“Okay.” She sets it down and picks up my phone. “Chase is calling you.”

“Yeah,” I say and move books around and feel Lisa’s eyes on me. She came in after Chase left yesterday and told me about their talk. How he said he’d come clean but wanted to wait. How sorry she was because she had no idea I’d gotten pregnant…and then lost it.

“Are you not talking to him?”

“No.”

“Maybe you should. You should deal with the loss together.”

Something inside of me snaps. “Stop telling me what I should do.”

“I just think—”

“Stop!” I throw my hands up. “Just go.”

“Sierra, please. I’m so sorry.”

“You should be!” I spit. “What Chase did was wrong and I’d feel the same no matter when he told me, but he asked you to wait because he knew what I was already going through. You were so hellbent on making him be the bad guy you didn’t listen. You didn’t care about anyone other than yourself.”

“That’s not true.” She shakes her head back and forth. “I was worried about you. I didn’t want you to get hurt and that’s exactly what he did.”

“But I didn’t need to know right now!”

“Then when? You had to know, Sierra.”

“Did I?” I ask as the tears start to fall. I wrestled with this all night, wishing that I didn’t know the truth and could have fallen asleep in Chase’s arms once again. Painful cramps kept me up all night, and the hurt ran so deep I wasn’t sure if I would make it through the night.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

“If I could take it back, I would. Please, Sierra,” Lisa cries. “I’m so sorry.”

“You can’t take it back,” I say slowly and turn, going back to my box of books. My entire body hurts from how much I wish things could go back. The man that I love kept a detrimental secret from me. My best friend was so blinded by hate she hurt everyone in her path.

“Chase is hurting too,” Lisa reminds me as if I forgot. “And I know he feels bad. I really think you should talk to him. What happened, happened to both of you.”

“So now you’re Team Chase?” I bring another stack of books out of the box and whirl around, glaring at Lisa.

“No, well, yes. I…I just—”

“You want to make yourself feel better,” I snap. “But it’s too late for that.”

“I want you to feel better! I didn’t know. I was wrong. I should have listened to Chase when he told me to wait. I should have trusted that he would really tell you. It’s so much at once, and I’m worried about you, Sierra.”

I close my eyes, trying to stop more tears from forming. I believe that Chase loves me. I know he regrets keeping the messages once he knew they were mine. If he listened to them all before he knew me, would it have been different?

If I got a phone with messages still on it, I’d listen too.

Should I answer the next time he calls? I miss him. I need him. Yet I feel so betrayed. I look at Lisa and another wave of heartache comes over. These are things we’d have a heart-to-heart about.

It’s like she betrayed me too.

And it’s too much. I don’t know how much longer my heart can take this pain before it gives out.

“Don’t you have to be at work?” I ask her with no emotion in my voice.

Her bottom lip quivers and she cries as she turns to leave. As soon as she’s out the door, I break down sobbing. I’m crying so hard I don’t hear the bell ring as the door opens, or hear someone come into the store. A heavy hand lands on my back, and for a split second, I think it’s Chase.

My heart flutters and I feel relief. I need him. I turn and see Wyatt.

“Sierra?” he asks. “What’s wrong?”

“Oh,” I say and sniffle. I close my eyes and turn away, using my T-shirt to dry my face. “Sorry. I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Are you okay?”

I force a smile. “I will be.” I try to compose myself and fail. Wyatt takes me in his arms, which only makes me miss Chase even more. It’s a strange, painful feeling. When Jake died, I longed to hug him one more time.

But I couldn’t.

I wish so badly to feel Chase’s embrace. He can wrap his arms around me.

But he shouldn’t.

I suck in a sob and take in a steadying breath. Wyatt holds me tight and I have to push to break away. “Thanks. I’m okay. I, uh, I was reading a really sad book.”

Wyatt looks at me unblinking. Then he smiles. “Wow. I wish I could get into books that much.”

“Yeah, they’re powerful. Can I help you with something?” I walk past him to the counter, getting a tissue and the coffee Lisa brought.

“My grandma wants more books by the same author.”

“Sure. What’s the author’s name?”

“I don’t remember. It was that book you recommended for her birthday.”

“Ah. I remember now.” I blow my nose and take a sip of coffee and cross the store, picking up a book from the box. “This just came in this morning. And this one is signed.”

“Great. You’re making me the most popular grandkid, you know.”

I fake a laugh and ring Wyatt up. He looks down at my phone when a text comes through. “Someone misses you,” he teases, seeing the missed calls and texts from Chase. My heart aches.

“Yeah. He does.”

* * *

“Ah, Sierra, dear,” Mrs. Williams says, shuffling into the store. She uses a cane when she walks now, and her bad hip seems to be getting worse and worse. I’m just about to close down for the day and wasn’t expecting to see her.

“Hi, Mrs. Williams. What are you doing here?”

She smiles, brown eyes gentle. “We need to talk, honey.”

“That’s never good.”

“You’re not being fired,” she goes on with another smile. “But I am putting the store up for sale.”

My mouth opens and it takes a second before the words come out. “You are?”

“It’s time for me to retire, dear. I’ve been trying to convince JJ for a while to take over the family business, but he wants to follow in his father’s footsteps instead and reopen the garage. I’m going to use the money I get from the building for this new business venture.” She lifts her gaze. “Nothing would have made him happier than seeing that car shop open again.”

I smile right back at her, and it’s my first genuine smile of the day. “He would have loved it.”

“I’ve already gotten things in order, and the official listing goes up tomorrow. You know how real estate is around here. It might be a while before we find a buyer, but I wanted to tell you before the for-sale sign goes up. I know you love this place.”

The words sit on the surface of my mind but haven’t sunk in yet. I need to keep them there, or else I’ll break down. And there’s nothing else to break.

“It’s been a long time coming,” Mrs. Williams goes on. “I’ve been considering this or well over a year now but kept finding reasons to hold on a while longer. Seeing you happy was the final push I needed.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. You love this place just as much as I do, and before…before I couldn’t do that to you, dear.”

I work hard to keep the tears from flowing. I was happy, and it all got swept away in an instant.

“You shouldn’t have put off retirement for me.”

Mrs. Williams looks around the store. “It’s been hard for me to let go. Bringing books to this small town was a dream of mine when I was a child.”

“Maybe the buyer will keep it as a bookstore.”

“Maybe. But not if they’re interested in making money,” she adds with a laugh and pats my hand. “You look tired, honey.”

“I am.”

“Busy getting in more bar fights?”

“You heard about that?”

Mrs. Williams laughs. “Who hasn’t? And I heard how that boyfriend of yours is quite protective of you.”

I can’t think about it or else I’ll cry. “He is,” I say and feel the switch flip back to where it was before I met Chase, back when I thought I was broken and incapable of feeling joy ever again.

A deep sadness comes over me, not because of recent events, but because this time I know that switch is never going the other way ever again.