- GAGE -
Pip and I walked hand in hand out to Spencer and Reece’s backyard, which was lit with warmth. Fairy lights hung from their giant mango tree and blinked in rhythm with my thumping heart.
Reece’s son ran around like crazy, followed by his little brother who was toddling. Hunter and Sara’s twins were crawling about the place, putting grass in their mouths and crying whenever someone stopped them.
Everyone was here for this, and as I stared and watched everyone laughing and smiling, I realised that even though I’d pushed these guys away for as long as I knew them, they were my family. Growing up with my dads, I never went to any type of gatherings like this. They didn’t have any close friends. I never had a big, extended family where we caught up regularly and were sickeningly supportive and there for each other. I thought I had that once—with Lucy and Jason, and that turned to shit real fast.
It wasn’t my intention to come here and make friends, but somehow along the way, I did.
When we reached the grass, each and every one of them came to hug me and give me their condolences over my father. All the while, I didn’t let go of Pip’s hand.
It wasn’t unusual for Pip and me to show affection towards one another in the form of a casual hug or a playful shove, but we never held hands or did couple-y things, so nearly everyone glanced at our hands, then at our faces, and then back at our hands again.
I tried to go over the words I needed to get out in my head before saying them out loud, but in the end, I knew it was pointless and too hard to do a long explanation. Instead, it came out in a jumbled rush. “So, long story … Rape allegations, an abortion behind my back, a cheating fiancée, a shitty best friend, and being screwed over by an entire town. Who’s up for a nice bedtime story? Please save all questions until the end of class.”
There were a few awkward laughs, but that all died as I rambled off my entire life. I didn’t think to take a breath and kept going. By the time I was done, I was wrecked.
“I’m over it now, and okay, let’s drink, because that was surprisingly harder than I thought.” I breathed deep and held onto my knees as I bent at the waist. Pip rubbed my back.
There wasn’t a response for a while—just enough time for me to catch my breath.
“Why are you telling us now?” Spencer asked.
That was easy to answer. “Because I’m in love with Pip, and I’m done pushing her and you guys away. You’re stuck with me. And so is she.”
I could’ve sworn every girl in the backyard squealed—minus Pip who was too busy laughing at everyone’s shocked expressions.
“Fucking finally,” Spencer called out.
“Language,” Sara said and picked up one of the twins and covered his ears. “The twins are starting to ramble as if they’re gonna talk soon. I don’t what their first word to be f—firetruck.”
“I told you it was a bad breakup,” Hunter said. “Took me eight years to find out the truth, but I was right.”
Garrett took Hunter into a headlock. “Yeah, yeah, we all know how important it is to always be right, little brother.”
“Don’t mess the hair, asswipe.” Hunter pushed Garrett off him and then picked up the other twin to use as a body shield.
The Erickson brothers and their hair. Some things never changed.
“I guess we should celebrate,” Reece said, appearing with an ice bucket full of beers. We all took one, except for Cole, the recovering alcoholic, and Pip for obvious reasons.
Garrett held up his bottle to toast. “To Pip and Gage, for finally getting their shit together.”
As if rehearsed, everyone said, “Finally” and clinked bottles.
“Let’s get drunk!” Reece said.
The group broke out into groans.
“Hangovers and the twins don’t mix,” Hunter said.
“Soberness and the twins don’t mix either,” Sara said. Proving her point, the boy she held—I had no idea if it was Toby or East—whacked her over the back of her head.
“Babe, when did we get old?” Hunter asked.
“Things you’ll have to look forward to,” Pip said to Garrett and Blair.
Garrett rubbed Pip’s stomach, and I was proud of myself that I didn’t get growly. “I’m just glad there’s only one in there,” Garrett said.
“That you know of,” Pip said. “What if the embryo split?”
Garrett’s eyes widened, but Blair laughed and grabbed his husband’s arm. “Calm down, it’s not possible. It was implanted past that stage. Did you read any of that IVF packet we were given?”
Garrett shrugged. “Some of it. I was more focused on the baby part.”
“Well, I’m not wasting this celebration,” Reece said, finishing off her beer already and cracking another one.
Spencer wrapped his arm around her. “We’ve decided we’re going to try for another baby, so—”
“So, she’s getting drunk to build up the courage to have sex with you. Got it,” Hunter said.
Reece sprayed beer out her mouth as she laughed. She dropped the bottle, and beer splashed everywhere.
“Funny,” Spencer said.
“I’m drinking while I still can,” Reece said.
Paige stepped forward and handed Reece her own beer. “Umm, you can have mine. I haven’t drank from it.” She looked back at Cole who gave an almost imperceptible nod with a giant grin on his face. “I shouldn’t be drinking.”
If we thought everyone was shocked at my announcement, it was nothing on the fact Paige and Cole were pregnant.
There was a round of hugs and congratulations, and Paige looked at her feet as she said, “It turns out I was pregnant at the wedding. We just didn’t know yet.”
I was happy for them. Sorta. Okay, no, I might’ve been jealous. Cole and Paige only got married a month ago, Blair and Garrett had tied the knot and had a kid on the way, and Reece and Spencer were already planning another baby. Everyone was starting their own family and lives, and Pip and I were still in the beginning stages. I wanted to skip forward to the end. I wanted everything now.
“That’s a lot of pregnancy hormones,” Hunter said. “We should add more.” He stared at his wife with a hopeful expression.
“Fuck off,” Sara said, and everyone laughed. So much for no swearing.
“Don’t you want to try for a girl?” Hunter asked.
“As it is, these boys are going to kill me. A girl will be ten times worse.” She got hit in the head again. “Okay, that’s it, baby Garrett. You can go to big Garrett.” She handed the kidlet over.
“Oh, sure, when you want me to hold him, you call him by his namesake,” Garrett grumbled.
“He takes after his uncle way more than we expected,” Hunter said. “Imagine if we called him Garrett all the time.”
“Whatever. Baby Garrett’s the best.” Garrett looked over at East. “Sorry, buddy.”
Funny how the freak out I expected to have didn’t happen over telling everyone the shit from my past or the fact Pip and I were together. The shortness in my breath and the weight on my lungs came from the fact I wanted what everyone else had, and we couldn’t do it. Not yet. Because I’d been stubborn for too long and couldn’t get over myself enough to tell her how I felt sooner.
Pip sensed something was wrong with me—like she always could—excused us from the group, and led me to the garden and under the fairy lights.
“You looked like you needed a getaway,” she said.
“How do you do that?” I wrapped my arms around her.
“What?”
“Read me like you do.”
Her laugh came out humourless. “I’ve been trying to figure you out for almost eight years. I might not know everything there is to know about you, but I definitely know when you’re shutting down.”
“I want what they have. Marriage, kids … I want everything.” I swallowed hard. “With you.”
She stepped back. “We can’t. It’s too soon to think about that.”
“It’s been eight years.”
Pip shook her head. “It’s been a few weeks. We were the best of friends. That doesn’t mean … it doesn’t mean—”
“We both know it’s been longer than a few weeks, and we’ve always been more than friends on some level. Think about it.” All the times I rescued her from a date or sat on her couch hanging out like an old married couple. We were still the same people. The only difference was physical affection, so I didn’t see why we had to wait.
“One day.” Pip’s eyes glimmered.
I wanted that day to be now. I wanted to get down on my knee and promise myself to her forever.
Footsteps crunched across the grass towards us. “I’m not interrupting anything, am I?” Reece asked. “I need to steal you away for a moment.”
Assuming she was talking to Pip, I gestured to her. “Go for it.”
“No, I mean you, Gage. Can we talk?”
God, she was probably going to pull the hurt my friend, I’ll hurt your face spiel. She was cool with setting up our dates when I called for help today, but right now she looked anything but happy for us.
“I’ll leave you to it,” Pip said and leant in to kiss my cheek. I watched as her wild hair bounced with each step she took away from us.
“Why were you so nice to me?” Reece asked.
I turned to her, confused. “Huh?”
“When Spence and I first got together, I was engaged to someone else. And when it all came out, you were there for me more than anyone else apart from Pip. I think it was the only time you ever hugged me. After what your ex did to you—”
That was a rough time for me, but I didn’t let it show. “Honestly? I was in hardcore survival mode when all that shit went down. I tried to think of what normal people would do in that situation. I realise now that hugging you was probably too far the other way. I didn’t want to show everyone how pissed I was at you for doing that to someone, because that meant I would’ve given you all a piece of me I wasn’t ready to give.”
“Are you still mad at me and Spence? Because I’d understand if you were.”
I cracked a smile. “I’m not mad. You didn’t cheat on me. It’s not my place to be angry at you for your mistakes.”
“Couldn’t have been fun pretending not to be hurt. Spence and I … we hate the way we ended up together, but if it was a choice of having it go down the way it did or not at all, I can’t say either of us would change it.”
“It’s a different situation. I gave up everything, including my dignity, to be with Lucy, and she couldn’t even wait for me before moving on.” I never thought I’d be talking about this stuff with anyone else, but Reece was right there asking me about it, and my new motto had me facing my issues head-on. Not running from them. “You and Spence belong together. Lucy and Jason are divorced, which makes it even worse. If they were truly meant to be together, maybe it would be easier to forgive them, but they weren’t. They fucked around because they were both selfish, and all I ever was for her was selfless. I gave her everything.”
“And you’re ready to trust again?”
“Ah.” I stepped back. “The real reason for this chat? You’re worried I’m going to flee like my ass is on fire again.”
“You’re going through a lot, but so is she.”
“God, you sound like her. I don’t know what I can do to prove I’m doing all of this because I love her and not because I’m going through some grief-induced haze. I’ve loved her for the better part of eight years. But when we hooked up months ago, the timing was shit, and I’m trying to make up for that now.”
“I … I wouldn’t be a good friend if I didn’t watch out for her.”
“I was the same way with every idiot she’s dated since I’ve known her, so I understand where you’re coming from, but I’m not like them.”
Reece shook her head. “You really don’t understand if you can’t see what I’m saying. Those guys were idiots. And you’re right—you’re not like them. They didn’t have the ability to destroy her when they left.”
And I did. If this didn’t work out, it wouldn’t just destroy her. I’d be ruined.
“I won’t leave again.”
***
From that moment, even though we were still working long days, I didn’t let it come between Pip and me like when we first got home from the States. I’d spent every night at her house and had slowly moved my entire wardrobe into her spare room closet. It started with a few work shirts and pants. She didn’t know I’d basically moved myself in, and I wasn’t going to tell her with how much her hormones were all over the place.
She wasn’t batshit crazy, but, well, yeah, she was batshit crazy. Horny as anything one minute, crying the next. Over cat food commercials of all things. When I asked her why she was crying, she said, “They just look so happy when they get the food they want.”
Right. Okay then.
Working like mad and pregnancy made her exhausted most of the time, but I didn’t mind chilling and watching TV when we weren’t in the office. Doing the normal shit we’d done a million times cemented to me what we had was real. The difference between now and a year ago was the fact I could touch her, kiss her skin, and take her to bed.
Her stomach had started growing, and while I still resented the fact it wasn’t my baby, I knew our time would come. Apparently, patience was a virtue, but I never claimed to be a virtuous guy.
After another gruelling day, I was going cross-eyed from staring at the screen for too long. There was a knock on my office door at eight p.m., and I hoped it was Pip ready to go home.
Nope. Garrett and Blair. “Up for dinner?” Garrett asked.
I rubbed my eyes. What I wanted was to pass out. I’d been at work since six this morning, but we needed to eat. As if reading our minds, the internal ring on my office phone went off, and Pip’s office number flashed on the caller ID.
“Be there in a sec,” I answered and hung up. “We should drag her out with us, or she’ll be here all night if we let her.”
They followed me across the bullpen to Pip’s door, but as soon as I opened it, I froze. I didn’t have time to register my shock and close the door again before Garrett and Blair caught sight of my girlfriend in her underwear.
Her breasts, which were bigger due to the pregnancy, almost spilled out of her bra, and the barely there thong showed off the baby bump in a way I didn’t realise could be sexy. Her hair hung in loose waves on her porcelain skin. Her eyes widened, and she quickly glanced around the room for something to cover up with, but I couldn’t bring myself to move.
I finally shook off my daze and turned to find Garrett covering Blair’s eyes.
“You’re not allowed to look either, asshole,” I said.
Garrett went to throw up his hands in surrender, but then realised Blair could see and covered his eyes again. “Trust me, she doesn’t have anything I want.”
Blair removed his husband’s hands from his eyes. “It’s Pip. I’ve known her since we were like five, so that means the same for me. We’re gonna see a whole lot more in the delivery room.”
For some reason, that made me growl.
Pip appeared in the doorway, her dress back on and her face as red as her hair. “Well, that was embarrassing.”
“You don’t have anything to be embarrassed about,” Garrett said and eyed her from top to toe. “At all.”
I shoved him, because he was only doing it to piss me off.
“What? I’m gay, not blind. Plus, she’s carrying my baby. That’s hot.”
“And we’re not going to dinner with you guys anymore,” I said and guided Pip back inside her office.
Before I could close the door, Garrett yelled out “Don’t forget the sonogram tomorrow.” Then his and Blair’s footsteps trailed away.
“So, what was that all about?” I asked and stepped closer. “That dress ready to come off again?”
She snorted. “I think the moment was ruined. I was trying to be spontaneous and sexy, because I’m starting to feel like a lump.”
“Totally would’ve been successful had I not had Garrett and Blair with me. And you’re not a lump. I mean … I don’t even know what a lump is, but I’m sure you’re not one.”
Pip ran her hands over my shoulders and down my chest. “I don’t want you to get bored of me. Since our string of dates in one day, we haven’t really had couple time, and now the baby’s growing … I feel frumpy.”
I tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “You’re far from frumpy. Every time I’m with you, I get to touch you.” I leant in and kissed her cheek. “Kiss you.” I kissed the other cheek. “Love you.” When I kissed her this time, it was on her mouth, and I didn’t hold back. “I live for this. For you.”
When our lips came back together, she sighed into my mouth.
And when I pulled back, I couldn’t help mirroring her content smile. “So, sonogram tomorrow. Everything okay?” I asked.
“To check the baby’s growth. I think it’s too early to find out the sex but neither Blair or Garrett want to know anyway.”
I nodded, and awkwardness settled between us.
“Did … uh, I mean, never mind.”
“Did what?” I asked.
“No, seriously, it was a dumb idea. I was going to ask if you wanted to come, but that’s silly.”
“Did you want me to come?” I didn’t know how I felt about that. I’d been handling the pregnancy a lot better as time went on, but everyone knew there was that resentment inside me that would never go away. I hoped after she gave birth it would disappear, but this baby took a first away from me that I’d never get back. The first time Pip felt a baby kick, the first time carrying a child, the first time giving birth—I wanted all of these things to be mine to share with her. To start our family.
It wasn’t a huge deal in the big scheme of things, but I couldn’t help feeling the way I did. The thing that kept me from losing myself and my temper over it was the thought of my best friends becoming parents at the end of it. Garrett and Blair were a couple who had gone through hell and back. Five years of back and forth before they finally got their shit together. No one understood that more than Pip and me.
I wondered if it was a feeling of being unsettled instead of impatience. Time was moving at sloth speed, even though we were busy. I was running a marathon, and the finish line kept getting farther and farther away instead of closer.
It was like being back on the army base, running the obstacle course. Get over one hurdle just to face another. Only, it was now my life.
“Forget I brought it up,” Pip said.
“No, I’ll go.”
Oh shit, what did I just agree to do?
***
Three guys and a pregnant chick walk into an OBGYN’s office …
Sounds like the beginning of a joke. Unfortunately for me, this was no joke. Neither were the stares we got in the waiting room.
I glared at a couple who were scrutinizing us as if they were trying to work out if we were in a four-way relationship or if we were there to find out who the baby daddy was.
My protective instincts wanted me to tell them to fuck off, but Garrett smiled, turned to us, and said loudly, “Ten bucks says it’s me.”
I had to admit, the couple’s reaction was priceless, and I managed a laugh. Pip, however, wasn’t impressed. Didn’t stop her from saying “God, I hope not. We don’t need another Garrett in the world.”
“Ouch,” Garrett said.
“I agree with Pip,” Blair said. “Hence why we used my sperm. I think Queensland might implode if Garrett’s arrogance was doubled.”
“And you say you love me,” Garrett grumbled.
“Not as much as you love you,” Blair said.
“No one loves anyone that much,” Pip said. “Except maybe Kanye.”
“Loves that Kardashian woman?” Garrett asked.
“No. Loves himself. Duh.”
The usual shenanigans between these guys relaxed me and distracted from what we were here for, but as soon as Pip’s name was called, a lump formed in my throat.
I tried to calm myself by holding onto Pip’s hand, but she was torn away from me when we went into the exam room.
The technician did a doubletake at how many of us were there. “And who do we have here?”
Pip waved a finger between Garrett and Blair. “Daddies”—she pointed to me—“boyfriend”—and then pointed at herself—“surrogate.”
“Oh, awesome. Nice to meet you all. We’ll get you up here on the bed and get this started.”
I held my breath. And then my phone rang. “Shit, sorry. I thought I turned it on silent.” When I took it out, I was both thankful and worried at Odie’s name. “I have to take this. Sorry.”
“What’s wrong?” Pip asked.
“It’s Odie.”
“It’s late over there, isn’t it?”
“It’s why I have to take it. Last time he called at a weird time—”
“Go,” Pip said.
I answered before he hung up and rushed my way outside the clinic. “What’s up?”
“Gotanofferonthehouse,” he slurred.
“Odie?”
“What?” he snapped.
“Are you drunk?”
“It’s really happening. He’s really gone, and I’m really leaving.”
Shit. I was a terrible son. Odie and I carried on our weekly Skype chats since I’d been back in Australia, and he was sad, sure, but that came with the territory of grief. Pip was a godsend with me. There were times I’d bring up dad and shut down for a while, but she was always there to bring me out of it. Odie had no one over there with him.
“Do you think he’s with her?” Odie asked. “With your mother?”
Wow, I didn’t realise jealousy went beyond the grave too.
“You know I don’t believe in an afterlife,” I said, hoping it’d make him feel better.
“That’s depressing.”
Well, that didn’t work.
“So, you think he’s just … gone?”
Ah, hell. “Stupid question here, Odie, but are you okay?”
“Yeah …”
“You said the house sold?”
A long sigh came through the phone. “I said there was an offer.”
“Was it below market?”
Another sigh. “Higher.”
“Then what’s wrong?” Even though I knew deep down the real reason Odie was struggling, I hoped for a different answer.
“I’m not ready to leave.”
I closed my eyes. “If you need me to come home and help out or … be there, I’ll do it.”
“No, you have it good where you are now. Don’t mess that up. Besides, Tony tells me you’re busy at work, and you just had six months off. I’ll be fine.”
“You’re talking to Tony about me?”
“You think I’m not going to be checkin’ up on you?”
“Odie—”
“I wish I could be there with you. I do. But—”
“You’re not ready.”
“Just thought you should know.”
I ran a hand through my hair. “Sure thing.”
“Love you, kiddo.”
The phone disconnected.
Fuck, what was I supposed to do with that?
I should’ve gone back in the exam room, but with one phone call, Odie had me worried. Maybe I could go back to Virginia and set up an office in Odie’s den. He was right in saying I’d had too much time off, and we were swamped at work, but unlike the six months I stayed with them when Dad was sick and I was too distracted to work, this time I could work while being there for Odie. Did I want to go back to Clarion, Virginia? No. But Odie shouldn’t have been alone in this, and it was selfish of me to come back to Australia and leave him. I wondered if his so-called plans to move here were just a way to placate me and get me on the plane home, because he knew I wouldn’t have left him if he was struggling.
Odie had held it together throughout the sickness and funeral. He got blind drunk afterwards, but I thought that was to be expected—normal. I should’ve seen his strong façade had cracks, but I was too lost in Pip and trying to win her back.
I stared at my blank phone screen for a lot longer than I realised, because before I knew it, Pip, Garrett, and Blair exited the clinic.
“It’s over already?” I asked.
“How’s Joel?” Garrett asked.
I shook my head. “I dunno …”
My eyes met Pip’s, and the resignation in her face was unmistakable. Her voice was even more defeated. “Are you going to say goodbye when you leave this time?”