What the actual fuck am I doing?
I’m sitting here, staring at my packed overnight bag reconsidering the decision to go away with Millen. The same thing I’ve been doing every day since last Sunday morning when he walked out my door. Countless times I’ve picked up my phone to tell him I won’t go—can’t go—but I always stopped short of following through with it.
I shouldn’t go. It’s stupid, it’s pointless, and it goes against every fiber of my moral being.
Then again, I already broke the code when I gave in and slept with him last weekend, didn’t I?
I told him there’d be no sex, no kissing, not even any touching, and he said he wouldn’t be inside me again until I admitted he was the only man I wanted. The only power I have over him right now is the fact he doesn’t know I already know that.
Now I’m a nervous wreck waiting for his car to pull into my driveway to whisk me away to a destination unknown.
I look at my phone for the millionth time and see it’s almost ten o’clock, meaning he’s due at any time.
I go through to my texts, quickly tapping out a message to Gaby.
Me—I really shouldn’t do this.
Gaby—You’ll be fine. Just remember not to touch him. You swore on the sacred bottle of wine with me.
Me—That’s the problem. Have you seen him?
Gaby—I have and I’m 51% sure you can resist him… maybe…
Me—NOT helping, babe.
Gaby—You need to know what happened. You REALLY need to know why he can’t stay away from you but COULD stay away back then.
Me—I don’t even know where I’m going. What if he’s taking me to some secluded cabin to kill me off?
Gaby—LOL. If he was gonna do that, he would’ve done it last weekend during his early morning stalking mission.
Me—Maybe we need a check-in thing, you know? Where I have to text you by a certain time to let you know I’m okay?
Gaby—Now you’re just being paranoid. I’ve met him, I know where he works, and unfortunately, we know his bitch of a fiancée. You’ll be fine…
Gaby—Shit. I shouldn’t have mentioned her. He said he’d explain everything. He said he had to marry her, right? That must mean it’s a sham, surely? Therefore, it’s not technically cheating if it’s not real.
Me—A sham marriage is not his or her style. There could be a lot of reasons why he “had to.”
Gaby—Shit, maybe she’s pregnant and he’s doing the honorable thing?
Me—If she’s pregnant, she’s not showing and going by the wine bottles in her grocery cart last week, definitely not. It would’ve had to have been a goal-in-one, so to speak. Like, an out-of-my-bed-straight-into-hers kind of deal.
Gaby—Deep breaths, babe. I’ve got your back, whatever happens. I’ll be ready and waiting to talk—or drink—it out on Monday night.
Gaby—Keep your legs closed and your heart safe and you’ll be fine.
I hear his car pull in. An undeniable flutter deep inside me that’s impossible to ignore leads the way as I stand, grabbing hold of my bag and making my way out of my room and down the hallway. He’s knocking at the door by the time I get there. I open it and see him wearing a fitted tee and the best pair of jeans I’ve ever seen on a man in my life. No shit, these jeans look like they were made for him. Tapered at the hips, falling into a straight leg down to his sneakers. My breath catches and it’s only when he clears his throat that my glazed eyes lift to meet his narrowed ones, his jaw twitching as he takes me in.
“Hi,” he says, tension written all over his face. “We have a bit of a drive ahead of us.”
My forehead scrunches up in confusion. “I don’t have a clue where we’re going. You never told me.”
“Well we do, and you answer the door wearing what must be the hottest, shortest sundress that makes me want to push you back inside and break my vow not to touch you faster than it would take me to slam the door behind me.”
“You said you wouldn’t…” I whisper.
“I know,” he says through gritted teeth. “I swear this weekend is going to be the death of me.”
“Why don’t you just leave me here then? Save yourself the trouble,” I snap, shocking the both of us if his wide eyes are anything to go by.
“Not gonna happen, Kenz. Hand me your bag. My mother would slap me around the ear if she knew I made a woman carry her own luggage.”
“How would she feel about adultery?” I snap. He doesn’t respond, he just grabs my bag off me, and storms off toward his car. “Lock the door, too.”
“Yes, sir,” I mutter under my breath, my mood transformed from nervous to annoyed in the blink of an eye at the ill thought-out comment of the man I’m supposed to spend the next three days with. What was I thinking when I agreed to go away with him?
Two and a half hours later, we’re pulling into the drive of a huge lake house in Carnelian Bay on the shores of Lake Tahoe.
Without saying a word—somewhat the norm for the entire drive here—Millen hops out of the car, opening the trunk. I get out in time to see him lifting our bags. I take the chance to check my phone, disheartened to see only one bar of reception showing on the screen. Just in case I don’t get the chance, I quickly send Gaby a text while watching my brooding travel companion make his way to the front door of the house.
Me—We’ve just arrived at a house on Lake Tahoe. I pissed him off by wearing a dress. He annoyed me by saying he wanted to rip it off. Fun times.
Gaby—Open mind, closed legs, protected heart. Remember?
Slipping my phone back in my pocket, I make my way toward the house and through the open door. I stop in the entryway, a large open-plan living area with a log fire on one wall, wall-to-ceiling windows lining the length of the house, and the glistening blue water of the lake commanding my attention.
I can’t see Millen anywhere, but I can hear footsteps moving around upstairs. Deciding that space is probably the best thing right now, I walk over to the glass doors and turn the handle, finding myself on a wide sweeping deck that wraps around the entire front of the house.
I’m leaning against the railing, my head resting on my hands when I feel him close to me. He’s not touching me, as he promised, but warmth radiates off his body onto mine. Any frustration I had with him from the drive disappears. “The view is amazing.”
“The lake is too,” he replies smoothly. I look over my shoulder at him to see a sexy smirk being shot back at me.
“Is this place yours?” I ask, returning my gaze to the water.
“It’s been in the family for as long as I’ve been alive. Obviously, it’s been renovated a few times, but it’s always been a part of my life. Summers, holidays—you name it, we were here.”
“And now?” I ask, desperately wanting to know why he would bring a woman who is essentially his mistress to the family vacation home where he’ll no doubt be spending future holidays with his soon-to-be wife.
“No one knows we’re here. There’s no distractions, no chance for interruptions, and I get you all to myself for three days.”
“With no touching,” I add.
“Minor detail,” he whispers right by my ear causing my entire body to shiver, a tremble I’m sure he’d feel if he was any closer.
He straightens, the cool breeze sweeping over the skin of my back giving me goose bumps that I’m sure aren’t entirely the wind’s fault. He moves to my side, mimicking my pose as he looks over the water. “I put your bag in the master bedroom. It’s upstairs and at the end of the hall on the right.”
I turn to face him. “Millen, no. It’s your house; you should be there.”
He reaches out to cover my hand but stops himself just in time. “Let me give you this. It’s the best room and has the best view of the lake from the balcony up there. I want you to have that. The sunrise over the trees is something you’ll never forget. I promise you.”
That heart of mine I’m supposed to be guarding does a little flip, and I know I’m getting reeled back into the sticky web that is Millen Ross. Immediate subject change needed, stat.
Thankfully, he must read my mind. “Have you ever been jet skiing?”
“What?” I ask with a surprised laugh.
“Well, have you?” he presses.
“No, can’t say I have.”
“Then at least I can get you wet in some ways.” His coquettish grin is infectious, and I can’t help but laugh. This is the Millen I know. The smooth talker with the deep grey eyes that bear into my very soul and make me want to forget what I’ve promised myself and give in to my needs.
“I’ll show you to your room and once you’ve changed, meet me down at the boathouse by the beach.”
“Millen, I thought we could talk. You said you would—”
“And I will, Kenz. I promised you I would, but it was a long drive. I haven’t been here in at least six months, and I want to be there to see you ride a jet ski for the first time. Will you give me that?” he asks. His expression is so sincere, I can tell just how much he wants this with me.
“Okay. But I’ll warn you now, I’m not exactly the most coordinated woman on the planet.”
He grins at that, chuckling under his breath.
“Oh, and I only bought a bikini. A very small, very revealing bikini. Fair warning.” He’s definitely not laughing after that. I smile to myself at his answering groan behind me as I walk into the house.
Serves him right. Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t lying about the bikini and I’m starting to wonder who’s going to be tortured more—me or him?
After spending the afternoon alternating between the water and the beach and providing comic relief in the form of many clumsy attempts at using the jet ski we retire to the front deck for a dinner comprised of a couple of beers and a delivered pizza.
So far, he’s kept to my rules and has been a total gentleman. I’ve actually noticed that he’s been a little subdued, not at all like the Millen I knew.
As for me, my nerves over what he might tell me tonight are threatening to take over. My entire body has been tense since the minute he walked out here with the food.
I’m looking over the water, mesmerized by the twinkling lights on the horizon when he breaks the silence that’s stretched between us.
“I love it here.”
Tearing my eyes away from the view, I turn my body toward him, curling my legs up onto the seat in the process. “It’s really beautiful here. I bet it is magical in winter.”
“It’s pretty damn cool.”
“Cool as in cool?” I make the hang-loose sign with my fist and jiggle my head from side to side. “Or cool as in cold? ’Cause I know this is on the border, but we’re technically still in California, aren’t we?” I add with a grin.
He rolls his eyes but his lips are twitching, drawing my attention to them, which is really what I don’t need right now. Answers. That’s what he said he’d give me. An explanation. Something.
Anything. I decide I need to bite the bullet and prompt him.
“Millen…”
“Just give me a minute. I want to remember this, right here, right now. That look in your eyes. Everything that is you in this moment. Us alone, no chance of anyone disturbing us.”
“Well, maybe Gaby… but I’ve been ignoring her texts all afternoon,” I say with a wry grin. His gaze drops to my lips and that invisible string I felt between us since the moment we met tightens as the seconds pass. To avoid doing what’s been crossing my mind ever since he picked me up, I look back out at the view.
“I’m not in love with Lana,” he says, his tone forlorn. The words are heavily weighted, even if they don’t make much sense to me.
In fact, they make no sense at all.
“You said you’d explain everything but I’m not gonna sit here and listen to bullshit, Millen. You don’t seem like the kind of man to marry for anything less than love.”
His head jerks back as if I’ve struck him but instead of feeling guilty, my anger boils over. I slam my beer bottle down on the table in front of me and jump to my feet, my fight-or-flight instinct battling for supremacy as I take the two steps to the railing. Gripping my fingers around the bar, I squeeze until my fingers ache.
“I’ve never loved her, but marrying Lana is an unfortunate obligation I must fulfil.”
I spin around and spear him with a furious gaze. “What?”
“Before I go there, I need to give you some background. Five years ago, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. We threw everything we had at her treatment. There was nothing we didn’t try, no specialist we didn’t fly in to see her. But even the most successful companies have limits. We reached ours, and then had a few deals go south.”
My mouth drops open as my brain stutters, trying—and failing—to hold onto my anger.
“Okay, I understand that but what does it have to do with—”
“With Harris?” he asks and I nod. “Five months ago Mom found out the cancer had come back. She didn’t tell us until a few days after I got back from my weekend with you.”
The first missing piece of the puzzle I didn’t think I’d ever solve slots into place as if it was destined to be there. My anger vanishes, my heart aching for the man in front of me. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper, tears pricking my eyes.
His slack expression speaks volumes. I still feel as if there’s something he’s not saying.
“How does Lana fit into this? A marriage is not usually part of a business merger,” I say, sitting back down on the end of my seat, resting my elbows on my knees.
He looks down at the ground and runs a hand through his hair before meeting my gaze. “The first time was rough, really touch and go—we weren’t sure she’d get through it.”
“But she did…”
“Yeah, and we figured we had time to recover and rebuild parts of the company that we’d neglected to invest in and grow. A few months before I met you, my father approached Harris with the idea of a merger in the hope that by joining forces and diversifying, we’d weather the storm and come out stronger on the other side.
My chest is tight, confusion and sadness battling each other for supremacy. “That all makes sense but I don’t get why any of that results in a marriage.”
“Harris felt the arrangement would be more… palatable… if it came about due to the joining of our families.” He clenches his teeth and looks out over the water, his shoulders dropping when he looks back my way. “Dad also didn’t want to place any further stress on Mom by letting her realize the extent of our financial difficulties so Mom doesn’t know about the deal and doesn’t know my engagement is not real. There’s nothing else the doctors can do for her treatment-wise. It’s spread to her lungs and kidneys now. They’ve given Mom six to nine months.”
“When was that?”
“Five months ago,” he replies. His eyes bore into mine, begging me to understand.
I reach over and put my hand on his leg, not giving one thought to my own no touching rule. He jolts, obviously not expecting that, but soon laces his fingers with mine, giving them a gentle squeeze.
My mind is racing. I get that he wants to give his mom peace before she passes, but surely he knows she wouldn’t want him to marry a woman for monetary gain.
Surely…
“Millen, I’m not a mom, but I can imagine that any mother only wants the best for their children. She’d want you to be happy, not marrying someone out of necessity. She’d also hate that you’re all lying to her.”
His grip tightens, and I know I’ve hit a sore point. He lets me go. I pull my hand back, wondering how I can make him realize this or if it’s even possible.
There has to be something he’s still not telling me. I purse my lips, racking my brain as to whether there is any way we can overcome this huge—mammoth—barrier in our way.
“There’s more going on,” I say, tilting my head and studying him. His jaw tightens, his posture going rigid. “Harris would understand you not wanting to go through with the wedding. Unless you do?”
“No! I thought I could and put you out of my mind but I couldn’t.”
“What does Lana get out of this then?” I ask, having my suspicions but needing them confirmed.
“She’s always had feelings for me, since before I went off to college. She seems to be fully on board with this marriage idea. She gets to marry me and in going through with it, I help save my family’s company and give my Mom a happy memory before she passes away.”
“You’re shitting me, right?” I shout, moving to my feet again. His chest jerks back as if I’ve hit him. “Those are not reasons to get married.” My voice rises an octave, my anger palpable now.
“I’m getting married to give my mother peace. The business benefits are an added bonus in my father’s eyes.”
“You’re not a pawn, Millen. What about you? What about your happiness? You can’t always live your life for everyone else. Sometimes you have to choose yourself.”
“I could be happy… eventually…” he says, like getting married is just something you do.
“Yeah, you could. Without someone you actually want to be with.”
He stands, throwing his hands in the air. “You don’t think I want to marry a woman of my choosing? A woman I love, a woman I want to spend the rest of my life with? I made a promise and I have to goddamn keep it.” His tone is rough, his voice loud.
I take a step toward him. “Yeah, you keep your promise. Marry Lana, go live your happily-ever-after. Don’t worry about me. The woman who fell for you in a weekend then had months of self-doubt and humiliation because when you promised me you’d call, you fucking didn’t.”
He opens his mouth to answer but stops. “Kenz…” He reaches for me but I move back, knowing I’ll give in if he touches me now. I can’t give in. Losing him again would ruin me.
“Why are we here, Millen? Why did you want three days with me? One last fling before you’re stuck in a loveless marriage? Hey, maybe Lana will let you have a mistress. She seems to have forgiven her father for doing it.”
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly.
“Yeah. I bet you and Lana had a good laugh about it. ‘Poor Kenzie, getting fucked over by a Mason just like her mother.’”
His eyes flash and he grits his teeth, his expression morphing with anger. “I’m nothing like her father,” he growls.
“Right. Well considering your fiancée took great pleasure last week telling me about how you wear her out, I’m not so sure about that.”
His eyes go wide. “She what?”
“Yeah, she was so worn out she had to go take a fucking nap. I couldn’t exactly say, ‘Oh yeah, I know how that is. I could barely walk after spending most of a weekend in bed with him.’”
“I haven’t slept with her since before I went to college. It’s not like that between us.”
“Yeah right. She’s going to be your wife. Why wouldn’t you sleep with her now?”
“Because I haven’t been able to get you out of my head. Three fucking months and I get hard just thinking about you. So I had to stop doing it. I knew I couldn’t have you so I had to walk away.”
“You couldn’t just blow me off with a text rather than ghosting me like a mistake you wish to forget?” I shout. We’re both breathing heavily now, and I know I’m going to cry if I stay out here for much longer.
“I’m obligated, Kenz. It’s my family’s legacy. Everything my grandfather and my father have worked for.”
“What about being happy? What about meeting someone, falling in love, choosing the woman you want to be with?”
“She’s standing right in front of me. I fell for her in a weekend.”
My heart explodes and shatters into a million tiny pieces at confirmation he fell for me too. Fuck you, Universe. I knew you were a spiteful bitch but this is taking it too far.
“I can’t do this, Millen. I need space. You’ve just laid it all out for me but it feels like I’ve been run down by a double-decker bus and dragged fifty feet, heart first.”
His shoulders slump, his hands slack in his lap, resignation evident on his face. “Sounds about right,” he says quietly, his tone flat. “Seeing you with Drew felt the same way, except it was an eighteen-wheeler hitting me head-on.”
“There’s nothing between Drew and I. Not anymore. You ruined any chance of me wanting more with anyone else,” I say. His chest rises and falls, a gush of air escaping his lips. “Drew is the one who told me to hear you out. It was your best friend—something I did not know, by the way—who despite his feelings for me, knew that there was something more going on between you and me.”
“I’m not hiding this, Kenz. Not from Drew and definitely not from you.” There’s a gritty edge to his voice that reaches deep inside me. But I’m too far gone to acknowledge it.
“Just from your fiancée, right?” I snap, the venom dripping from my voice. I’m emotionally drained. There’s nothing left in the tank. “I’m sorry, but you’ve just told me you fell for me in the space of two days yet three months later, you’re planning a wedding to a woman you don’t love for the most honorable if not reasonable of intentions.”
His body is tight, his face a mirror of emotion. He’s showing me everything, hiding nothing. It’s the most open I’ve ever seen him. The most honest. There’s none of the sexy swagger I’ve come to expect. His eyes are rimmed red. It feels like we’ve gone through twelve rounds of constant blows.
I desperately want to touch him, climb into his lap and comfort him. I want to be the woman he needs, just be there for him while he lets it all out, but I can’t. That damn guard I’ve erected around my heart still stands tall, albeit a little battered and bruised. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, my self-respect on one side and my near desperate need to give this man everything I can before he makes inevitably the biggest mistake of his life on the other.
Turning around, I move toward the doors leading inside.
“Do you love me, Kenz?”
I freeze mid-step, my chest so tight I can barely breathe.
I don’t turn around. I know if I do, I’ll lose the already loose grip I have on the tears stinging my eyes.
I don’t answer. I can’t. So I walk away, running through the house and up the stairs until I’m safely behind my bedroom door and I can finally take a breath. Sliding down to the floor, I wrap my arms around my legs and drop my head to my knees.
Footsteps get louder then stop on the other side of the door. A soft thump vibrates through the wood, and I imagine Millen’s forehead resting there.
“This isn’t over, Kenz. It can’t be over.” I can hear the desperation in his voice. “There must be a way because God wouldn’t be so cruel as to take away two women I love at the same time.” He loves me. Why does it hurt so much to hear the words I so wanted to hear? “I’ll give you tonight. But tomorrow, we’re going to talk. We’ll find a way.”
His words course through me, making the ache in my chest infinitely worse.
There can’t be a way.
I’m not sure I’d survive it if there was.