Elsie

“Here, eat this chicken soup,” my mom says, placing a bowl on the table in front of me. It’s the same oak table that’s been in this kitchen longer than I have been alive, and I’m sitting in the same spot I used to sit in when I was too sick to go to school. She’d give me chicken soup then too, but this time there was no chance of it making me better. Not even my soul.

“Thanks, Mom,” I say and pick up the spoon. My stomach rumbles at the aroma. I’ve been at my childhood home for a day and a half and have barely eaten anything since I got here.

Mostly I’ve been curled up in bed, scared shitless about the future.

But more than any of that, I’ve been beating myself up for the way I treated Xander. I will never forgive myself for what I did to him.

I can’t stop thinking about the look on his face as I walked out the door. It tore me into a million pieces, but it was my only option.

With a spoonful of soup in my mouth I start crying again, swallowing down the soup before I choke.

My mom places her arm across my shoulders and says, “Oh honey, I know you’ve been dealt a bad hand and it’s not fair, but you can’t give up on everything.”

Resting my head against her I say, “It’s pointless not to.”

“But the disease is unpredictable. You don’t know how it will turn out. You might be okay for a long time.”

“A long time and then what?”

“And then you deal with it at that point but in the meantime you don’t stop living.”

“There’s no point in trying to set up a life when it’s going to be taken from me later,” I say, pushing away from her and turn back to my soup.

“You don’t know what the future holds. None of us do.” Her thoughtless words fill me with anger. I know for a fact my future is bleak, unlike most people.

“I know it holds nothing good for me.” I take another mouthful and my mother sighs.

She moves across the kitchen and loads the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. Tears silently roll down my cheeks as I imagine what a life with Xander would have been.

Every day together, in my dreams, is filled with happiness. We never fight, we only ever have fun simply because we are with each other.

We get married in a small service and spend our honeymoon naked in bed. I picture our house and dog and being pregnant. He beams his megawatt smile when each of our babies is born, holding them gingerly in his strong hands. Xander dotes on me and our children and my heart is filled with happiness. Life is good.

The soup pot crashes on the floor and my fantasy dissolves into the steam of the soup.

“Damn,” my mother says, picking up the pot and cramming it into the dishwasher.

I have to stop thinking about Xander. Or anything. It’s better if I become a zombie. An empty shell of a human. The thought makes me break down again and I push the bowl away and bury my head in my arms on the table.

The doorbell rings, startling me. My mom rushes out of the room, her slippers flicking against her heels as she walks.

I still can’t stop thinking about Xander. What I wouldn’t do to be back in that swimming pool with him now.

“Hey,” Isabel says and folds her body over mine.

“What are you doing here?” I ask without moving.

“I hope you don’t mind, I told Isabel. I’ll leave you alone now,” my mom says and I hear her slippers flip across the floor and out of the room.

“Don’t forget me,” Nathan says. “I don’t need you to stand or anything, but I want in on this hug,” he continues, wrenching us both off the table. Both of their arms are around me and I smile.

“We heard about your diagnosis and we came straight from work to give you a hug,” Isabel says.

“Work. I wonder if I still have a job,” I say, thinking of Cynthia and my suspension.

Nathan stands tall and flicks his hand. “You don’t have to worry about that, Cynthia is falling apart without you. If anything I’d say it’s time to ask for a raise.”

I laugh for the first time since my diagnosis. Nathan always makes me laugh.

“I can picture that conversation. Now that I have a disease that’s going to prevent me from working as much in the near future, you need to give me more money,” I say and the three of us laugh.

If only. I guess I’ll find out at my meeting with her tomorrow.

Isabel takes both my hands in hers and says, “Why didn’t you say anything about it to us? We had no idea you’ve been going through this.”

Unable to give her any better an answer than I gave to Xander, I shrug.

“Yeah, don’t make yourself a martyr, you don’t have to go through this alone because we’ll always be here for you,” Nathan says, poking my shoulder.

“I didn’t want to burden anyone,” I say.

“Honey, would you think I was a burden if the situation had been reversed?” Isabel asks.

“Of course not, I just wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening.” Just like I want to pretend Xander is here with me now.

“What did Xander say?” Isabel asks.

Shifting my gaze to the floor, there is a stabbing in my heart — a sharp twisting that hurts more than any pain I’ve ever known.

“OMG, did he leave you because of this? What an…” Nathan says, rubbing my back.

“No,” I snap. “I ended things because how can I ever be in a relationship now?”

“You ended things? Why would you do that?” Isabel asks.

“Because I have no future, and therefore we have no future. I’m not going to waste his time.”

“Isn’t that his decision to make?” Nathan asks, tilting his head at me and raising his eyebrows.

I fall silent. It’s true, I didn’t even give him the chance to do or say anything. My mind was made up. I had to save him from my misery. I did it because I love him and I want him to have a better life than the one he would have with me.

“Anyway, get this, Becca keeps phoning me and trying to get me to buy some photos,” Isabel says and I welcome the lightness of her voice.

“No way, the nerve of her,” I say.

“I know. Right? So, I pretended to be buddy-buddy with her and I asked her how much money she got for your photograph,” Isabel says.

“You are one crazy lady,” I say, smiling.

“Oh you know she is,” Nathan says and laughs.

“Did she tell you?” I ask.

“Only after I assured her I was not trying to get part of the fee for setting up the photo shoot,” Isabel says.

“Well, tell us already. How much?” Nathan says clapping his hands quickly.

“Get this, fifty grand,” Isabel says, raising her eyebrows.

“Holy cow, that’s insane. I can’t believe someone paid that much for my picture.”

“I think they were paying for Xander, not you,” Nathan says, chuckling.

“What did you say when she told you?” I ask.

“I told her I hope she hasn’t spent it because she’s going to need it for her legal fees. And then I told her she was a swivel-headed bitch with a unibrow,” Isabel says and the three of us dissolve into a fit of laughter.

It feels so good to laugh with my friends. Maybe it’s the little moments like this that make life worth living.