The Human Furnace is a Security Blanket
Lorelai
Returning to Cakes and Pies, I found Christopher lying in bed sleeping. Climbing into bed behind him, I pressed myself against the back of his body pressing my lips against the bare skin between his shoulder blades, the smell of his body wash wafting through my sinuses caused a smile to part my lips. The mixture of cedar wood and his signature musk cologne was comforting. The reality of his presence making me feel a hell of a lot safer than being around my own family confirmed that I made the right decision.
He laid still before he rolled over slowly, wrapping his arms around me. “How’d the memorial go?” he mumbled quietly.
“It went.”
He groaned. “I’m okay.”
His lips pressed to the top of my head as I returned his embrace and looked up at him.
“What do you mean, ‘it went’?” he asked.
“My father and uncles basically cornered me on the couch to confront me about the emancipation. My uncle, Thad, acted as if I was betraying the entire family. I left as soon as I could to avoid it all.”
He sighed. “This wouldn’t even be an issue if they all had nine to five jobs.”
I snuggled further into him. “Oh, I know baby. It’s done. I’m sure Matteo will let me know when everything is finalized.” I paused. “Let’s not talk about it, okay?”
He planted a kiss against my head once more as he ran his fingers through my hair. “What do you want to talk about, Princess?”
I smiled as I scooted up to his eye level, pressing my nose to the tip of his. “Us. Our lives. Where do you see us in ten years?”
He smiled, pushing his fingers through my hair slowly. “Well, by then I’ll have gotten down on one knee, given you a wedding of your dreams, and bought you a house. Our little nugget will be…nine…” He gasped playfully. “And probably eating us out of house and home.”
I giggled leaning in to peck his lips. “And we will make him or her our entire world. Hopefully, we’ll have a few more adorable Montgomery babies to spoil too. You’ll either have taken over Montgomery Construction, or have a really high paying position and we’ll have our very own house and we won’t have to live on a boat. Who knows? Maybe I’ll be helping your parents run the winery by then.”
He pressed a gentle kiss into my lips. “I am sure that you will be, but you honestly don’t have too. If you want to be a stay at home Mom, then I will support that. What else fills your Mrs. Montgomery dreams?”
I giggled. “Well, I know Sausalito is great and everything, but I want to make sure our children know and love wine country as much as we do.”
“Hmm…I actually love that idea. We’ll make Sausalito our home town and travel on the weekends. I think letting our children see the beauty this state has to offer is a must.” He smiled as he brushed his fingers lightly under my hair.
I smiled big. “We’ll have to get them well acquainted with our favorite places in the bay area first. We could wake them up before the sun rises and take them up the mountain to watch the sunrise. We’ll show them love and support first. I don’t want them to turn on us.”
He shook his head. “That would never happen, it’s not possible with Montgomery blood.” He paused. “Waking them up before sunrise? That’s a good way to make them hate us.” He groaned.
I gasped. “They will not hate it…you want to know why?”
He cocked an eyebrow. “Why?”
“Because by that time, we’ll have their trust and they’ll want in on our crazy shenanigans as much as we do!”
He chuckled. “I could see that.” He paused. “Wait. Are you calling me crazy?”
I giggled. “Damn straight I am.”
He smiled. “I like our crazy, though. We’ll be the fun, trusting parents. Maybe our kids won’t rebel as hard as we have.”
“I love the way you think, Mr. Montgomery; but our children won’t have to worry about the stress of living up to the expectations of a family that commits crime to make a living either.” I said as I snuggled my head into the crook of his neck.
He wrapped me in his arms, laying his head against mine. “That is very true, my love. You’re going to make a great Mother and wife someday Miss Castillo.” He whispered.
“You really think so, Mr. Montgomery?”
“I know so.” He paused, sat up and crawled out of bed. “Close your eyes. I’ll be right back.”
Confusion struck me, but I sat up and did as I was told. I heard the soft shuffle of his feet against the wooden floors. I heard a rustling near the closet before his feet shuffled once more and the bed lowered as he sat next to me. He placed what felt like a gift bag between my hands. “Okay. Open your eyes.”
I fluttered my eyes open and looked down at the gift bag. Stripes of pink, blue, yellow and green were printed down the bag with a giant green square and a yellow duck in the middle. A giant smile crossed my lips as I looked at him and reached into the bag, pulling out a set of green and yellow sleepers. I set them beside me before I reached back in the bag and pulled out a small yellow duck plush. Tears filled my eyes and threatened to spill down my cheeks. “Awe, Christopher! It’s our baby’s first stuffed animal! This is precious. Thank you.” Picking up the sleepers, I looked them over and looked at him with gentle eyes as overjoyed tears fell down my cheeks. I placed a hand against his cheek, kissing him deep and passionately. He was so damn thoughtful, loving, supportive, and personable. How I managed to get so lucky just when I needed him was only a question the universe could answer.
He pulled away just enough to look me in the eyes. “You’re welcome, sweet girl.” He paused, placing a hand against the side of my waist, brushing his thumb over my stomach. “I love you and our little bean.”
“We love you too, Christopher.” I whispered and closed my eyes taking in his words.
Vivid images of Christopher and I becoming husband and wife and raising our children how we wanted took me to a land of bliss. Images of mini Christophers and Lorelais running around in Napa through the vineyards while Chris and I trailed behind them with a glass of wine in each of our hands. This daydream was so vividly clear, it felt real. I wanted to cling to it until it was our actual reality; but for now, our present reality was good enough to hold onto. I couldn’t rush the time I had with him. I wanted the rest of forever to pass by as slowly as possible because as long as I had Christopher Montgomery at my side, life was imperfectly perfect.
***
Winter
The holidays had come and gone. The spirit of Christmas and plans for the future of my life with Christopher and our little bean were talked about mostly during the cold nights we endured sleeping in the cabin of Cakes and Pies. We went to my first official appointment for an eight-week checkup a few days ago and I woke up to the sonogram sitting in the corner of a picture frame. A sigh left my lips as I realized that my human furnace had already woken and had gone to grab breakfast for us somewhere. The fatigue feeling that came over me as I laid there made me want to fall back to sleep. The aches and pains this morning were worse than normal. I curled up into a ball trying to warm myself up until I heard yelling from the familiar voices of Christopher’s parents. Sitting up, ignoring my screaming bladder. I rushed to the door and stepped out silently to listen in on the conversation.
“This is ridiculous, Christopher. You are almost eighteen years old. You know what’s right and wrong, and continuing this affair with that girl is wrong.” A female voice said. “That entire family is nothing but trouble.”
“Your mother is right. We’ve been out looking for houses, and we’ll be moving out of here soon.”
Chris sighed. “You’re right. I am old enough to know right from wrong, and I’m sorry that you can’t see what I see in Lorelai.” He paused. “She’s not like the rest of her family. She’s been betrayed by them on more than one occasion.”
Distressed sighs could be heard; and I knew if I didn’t interrupt to back him up, they would just continue giving him a hard time. I stepped out to where they were sitting over coffee and stood behind Christopher. “What he said, it’s not a lie,” I spoke softly.
His parents eyed me carefully. “Without going into detail, I haven’t been home in weeks and I don’t plan to go back. To say that my family has their issues is an understatement, but not what’s important here. I am in love with your son, and I would never let anything happen to him. He’s… he’s all I have.”
They eyed Christopher with a twitch of their lips. I could tell they were looking for a reason to dismiss me as I placed my hands on Chris’s shoulders.
I smiled down as I felt Christopher’s broad rough hand being placed over one of mine. “You two are a prime example of knowing what true love feels like. You know what it was like to be on your own and rely on each other to get through the hard times, and Nana and Papa supported you.”
His parents looked at each other, and his mother spoke first. “He’s right, Nathan.”
“Grace…” His tone filled with annoyance.
“Don’t you, Grace me! He’s right and clearly head over heels for this fine young woman!”
I breathed a sigh of relief.
His father looked to me. “Perhaps.” He paused. “I suppose if Christopher is that adamant about this relationship, then we can look past the connection to your name.”
I smiled. “Mr. Montgomery. I promise I’m nothing like them. My cousin Marie and I, we grew up being the odd balls in the family. We never cared to stay and listen to their updates even when my Father said we should, because we needed to learn it sooner rather than later. I’ve always been the odd ball, or the black sheep if you will.”
Grace turned to Nathan and they both looked to Christopher.
Grace moved her chair to take my hand. “My parents didn’t like Nathan. They stuck their noses in the air when I told them I was in love… and coincidentally enough, my father was offered a job across the country. I cried to Nathan, and he bravely talked to his parents who took me in without a question. It would be wrong for us to not give you a chance, Lorelai.”
A lump formed in my throat, and I fought back the emotions and lost as the tears filled my eyes and fell down my cheeks. “Thank you, Mrs. Montgomery.”
She leaned in and gave me a hug and I accepted it. To be accepted by not only Christopher, but his loving parents touched me on a deep personal level. I never received that from my parents. It was business first, always.
Letting go of Grace, Nathan stood and came to give me a hug. “If Chris says you are what he needs in his life, I suppose it’s time we trust our boy’s instincts; and trust me, you won’t be the oddball out with the Montgomerys. We’re all a little strange.”
His parents laughed, and Chris looked up at me. “Why don’t you go clean up, love? We have an appointment today.”
I nodded. “Okay.” I leaned down to kiss his cheek and looked at the Montgomerys once more. “It was nice to see you again, Mr. and Mrs. Montgomery.”
“You too, Lorelai.” They spoke in unison before I left to go inside the cabin.
***
I ignored the pain I’d been experiencing from the time I woke up. I narrowed it down to being tired from work, school and growing a human body inside of me. Stepping into the shower, the warm water fell over me as I prepared for our first couples’ therapy appointment. The tension of how we were going to get through our predicament of our parents trying to pry us away, being out on our own, Armani’s sudden death, becoming young parents before we had a chance to attend college or get married hung over our heads; and instead of allowing it to push us further apart, Christopher had suggested we take on counseling.
A few minutes later, I saw the door open and Chris came in. “Baby?”
“Yeah?”
“Why is there blood on the floor?”
I looked out at him as he peeked into the shower. “Lor, you’re bleeding everywhere!”
I inhaled a sharp breath as I spotted the droplets of blood on the floor and looked down at the pool of blood mixing into the water. My hands clasped over my mouth. “Chris…. Wha-what’s happening?” Tears sprang to my eyes, and I felt a tightness in my chest and sharp painful cramps shot across my abdomen. The overwhelming fatigue feeling intensified. I found myself bent over and grasped a hold of my stomach crying out in pain.
The glass door to the shower swung open, Chris turned the water off, wrapped me in a towel, helping me get dressed. “I’m not sure Lor, but I think we need to take you to the emergency room.” A million concerns and thoughts raced through my mind. I was scared. The fear and anxiety that took over paralyzed my mental state of mind. Laying my head against his shoulder, my lips opened but I couldn’t speak. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I had a gut feeling this wasn’t a good sign for our little bean. He looked at me with reassurance before he pulled me into his arms and carried me out of the cabin and down the docks toward the car.
The ride to the hospital was silent. I cried until we arrived and Chris brought me to the counter and signed me in.
“Who's being seen?” The young female asked.
“My girlfriend. Her name is Lorelai Castillo. She’s pregnant and bleeding.”
“Did she fall or experience any other immediate trauma?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Okay, it’ll just be a few minutes. Have a seat, we’ll call you into triage shortly.”
Chris led us toward the seating area and we sat down. I laid against him and tried to breathe as I placed a hand against my abdomen. “It hurts, Christopher.”
“I know, baby girl. The doctor’s going to help, okay? Just try to hang in there, okay?” He brushed his fingers through the long locks of hair lying against the front of my shoulder.
A few minutes later, the door opened. “Lorelai Castillo?”
I opened my eyes, lifting my head from Christopher’s shoulder and looked at him before I made eye contact with the nurse. I followed her back to triage where she asked me a slew of questions before she called over her walkie to make sure there was a bed available.
“Okay, Miss Castillo, you can follow me.” She led us back to a room where Christopher helped me undress and put on a dreadful gown.
The doctor arrived a few minutes later. “Miss Castillo? Hi. My name is Dr. Harris, I’m going to be taking care of you today.”
I turned my attention to the young woman in a lab coat.
“Can you tell me why you came in today?”
Tears threatened my eyes. “I’m pregnant, but I started bleeding while I was in the shower today.”
“Is that the first time you noticed the bleeding?”
I nodded slowly.
“Okay. We’ll take a look and see what’s going on.” She washed her hands and turned to Christopher. “I’m going to ask that you step out for now. I’ll come get you when I’m finished with the exam.”
I looked from the doctor to Christopher with pleading eyes. He took both of my hands into his, leaning down to press a kiss against my forehead. “It’s okay. I’ll come back in as soon as I can.”
Searching his eyes with sadness in my own, I bit my lower lip. I preferred that he not leave at all, but clearly I would not get my way about this one. Tears trickled down my cheeks as he slowly left the room and the doctor went to grab a nurse to assist.
Lying there through the examination while the doctor did a full pelvic exam and sonogram, she stayed quiet until she was finished and spoke in whispers to the nurse outside of the room when they finished. Why was I being left in the dark about my damn child? I needed answers. I needed to know that my child, my little bean, was okay. I opened my mouth to speak words and nothing came out.
The nurse came back with supplies and looked at me. “Dr. Harris left to go get Christopher. For now, I’m going to have you place your underwear back on, and I’ll give you a more absorbent pad that will help soak up the blood.”
I thought for sure I would go bat shit crazy if someone didn’t tell me what the hell was going on. The blood should have been the biggest clue as to what was happening, but I refused to believe my little bean was not okay.
The nurse left me with a gown, instructing me to place my underwear back on so I wouldn’t bleed on the bed and left me to get dressed. I did as she said before I laid back on the bed staring off at the supply cabinet.
A knock on the wall turned my attention to Christopher standing in the doorway. His tall, slimming stature leaned against the wall as he stared at me with those big grey-blue hues filled with sadness and I couldn’t stand it. Did he know something I didn’t?
“How are you feeling, Lor?” He spoke quietly as he moved the chair next to the bed.
“Mostly tired, but the pain is still pretty bad. This…this can’t be normal for a pregnancy,” I said.
He reached his hand to take mine into his. “The nurse said the doctor would be in soon.”
I took his hand between both my hands as tears clouded my vision. “I’m scared, Christopher.”
He wrapped his fingers around mine, locking his eyes on mine. “I know, but you’re strong Lorelai. We’ll get through this together.” He spoke above a whisper.
I closed my eyes and tried to hold onto his words for everything they were because I knew something was not right. I was sure that I was not as strong as he thought I was.
Dr. Harris returned, peeking her head into the curtain. “Lorelai?”
I turned my attention toward her as she walked in to take a seat with a chart. “I apologize for the wait. I’m very sorry to tell you this, but the bleeding you’re experiencing is your body miscarrying the fetus.”
Bean? My little bean is no longer? I was sure I heard her wrong. Tears sprung to my eyes as I turned my head away from her as Christopher stood next to the bed and pulled me into his arms. Sobs left me quietly as I grasped a hold on his shirt. Dr. Harris let the words sink in before she continued talking. “I know this is hard to swallow, and no one expects either one of you to take it lightly; but I want to make sure you get the proper care.”
Her voice echoed off in the distance as she continued talking. Her voice eventually stopped, and I stared off. I was no longer in the hospital. I didn’t know where I was. I was in a land of nowhere. I felt Chris holding me, but I wasn’t there. I shook from the inside out as the tears fell down my cheeks and I began to sob. The sobs grew louder. I pulled away from him and curled up into the fetal position as I felt the remains of our bean seep out between my legs.
Darkness closed in around me. This wasn’t happening. No harm or heartbreak could touch us. We were Lorelai and Christopher. The most uncomplicated pair of love birds. Nothing or no one would come between us because our love would conquer all; but something did and now, I felt numb of every emotion and I wasn’t confident in anything. Myself, my relationship, maybe Uncle Thad was right. A Castillo should never turn his or her back on family. It would bring traumatizing heartbreak into your life.
***
Hours passed before I was signing discharge papers from the emergency room. Handing the papers back to the nurse, Chris stood with a wheelchair in front of him and came around with the nurse to help me stand from the hospital bed and sit down in the chair.
I sat with ease and looked up at the nurse that held out the aftercare paperwork. Slipping it out of her fingers, I folded it in half and shoved it in my purse.
Chris knelt down and moved my feet into the footrests on the chair before he looked up to me with concerned eyes. “Let’s get you home.”
I nodded in silence and looked on as he backed me up out of the room and wheeled me toward the exit. Locking the wheels, I felt his breath against my ear. “I’m gonna go get the car, okay?”
“Yeah. I’ll be fine waiting here,” I said, feeling detached. There were no emotions left in me. I felt blank..
He left and came around with car. He stepped out and carefully helped me into the car before he returned the wheelchair to the lobby We took off back toward the Golden Gate yacht club. Upon arrival, we walked back toward home and headed down into the cabin. I went straight to the bedroom, kicked off my shoes and climbed into bed.
Christopher stood in the doorway and we stared at each other in silence. I didn’t know what to say to him. I wanted to be left alone, but I knew he wouldn’t go for it.
“Do you want me to make you something to eat?” he finally asked.
I turned over, my back now facing toward him. “No.”
He sighed softly. “You should eat something, Lor.”
“I’m not hungry, Christopher.”
“Okay. Fine. Do you need anything else?”
I remained silent. “I…no. I just want to be left alone right now.”
“You shouldn’t be alone,” he pleaded.
Tears filled my eyes and spilled down my cheeks. “I don’t care right now. Please, just leave me alone. I’ll fend for myself. Okay?”
He inhaled a deep frustrated breath. Perhaps he felt as helpless as I did? “I’ll come check on you in a little while then.”
Stubborn man. That’s all he was. What didn’t he understand? “Fine.” I left it at that because I didn’t want to say something I would regret.
***
I fell asleep no sooner after he left and slept until the next morning. Opening my eyes, I looked around and saw Christopher passed out in the recliner in my bedroom. He cared and had extraordinary ways of showing it. I had a million emotions going on. I placed a hand over my stomach and sat up. Going into the kitchen, I pulled out the eggs and bacon placing them in a skillet. Once the heat on the stove had started cooking the protein for a hearty breakfast, I cut up some fruit and poured two large glasses of milk. After setting the table out on the deck, I returned to retrieve Christopher. Leaning down, I pressed a gentle kiss against his lips.
I smiled as he began to kiss me back, the gentle touch of his fingers smoothing against my waist as he pulled me into his arms down onto the bed gently. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held onto the passionate kiss. “Mmm… breakfast is hot and ready on deck, handsome.”
He pulled back and looked up at me. “Mmm… you’re feeling better today.”
I smiled at him. “I feel amazing. Little bean needs nutrition to grow big and strong.”
He looked up at me with furrowed brows before his facial expression dropped and he sighed. “You should go keep an eye on it before the seagulls steal it and fly away.”
Giggles left my lips. “I covered it, silly. Come on. Get dressed.” I pecked his lips once more. He agreed with my statement. Perhaps yesterday was a nightmare and I wouldn’t have to accept anything more of it. Leaving the bedroom and heading up on deck holding his hand, I decided I would go with the positivity despite the empty feeling, lack of flutters replaced by painful cramps.
He pulled a chair out for me and pushed me in. We sat down to eat and watch the boats float by and the birds fly over the water as they too were looking for breakfast.
Silence remained between us as we ate, and I noticed him watching me closely. “We should talk about the elephant in the room, Lorelai.”
And now it was ruined. “We don’t have to.” I said simply.
“We do though. This is a big deal, and it’s okay to grieve and let your emotions through.”
I shook my head. “I’m fine, Christopher. We’re going to be parents to a little bean. My brother will protect him or her from the other side and my parents are leaving Sausalito. Everything is more than okay.”
He sighed deeply and I looked at him and then past him. Why was he doing this?
“Lorelai, I know what you’re trying to do here and I understand that it hurts in more than one way.” He trailed off. I knew he wanted to continue and say more.
I shook my head. “I don’t think you do understand. I know you think we can get through this together, but there is no getting through this. A life was lost, hell, lives have been lost and…and I can’t help but feel at fault. There was something I could do. I know there was and whatever it was, cutting stress out, eating healthier, cutting ties off with my family sooner. Exposing Santino for what he was trying, could’ve saved my brother! I could’ve prevented this entire mess.”
He stood up and walked toward me. I stood up before he reached me. “Don’t, Christopher. Look. I know you want to help but you can’t help me. I’m not able to be helped.”
Tears filled his eyes as he stared at me before I turned away from him. I couldn’t face him. I couldn’t face any of this. It was too hard. Too much. I’ve accepted that I’m just a stupid girl that can’t do anything right. I fucked up being a daughter, a sister, a mother; and because I didn’t do everything exactly perfectly right, I fucked up being a lovable woman.
I heard footsteps come up behind me, his long arms wrapped around me from behind. “Please, Lorelai,” he pleaded. “These terrible things that keep happening are not your fault. I promise they’re not.”
Pushing his arms away, I stepped away. “I know what I’ve done and I know the burdens I’ve caused you and everyone else around me.” I turned around to face him because he deserved eye contact while he heard these words so he knew they were true. “I fucked up, Chris; and I know that I’ve hurt you. You don’t deserve this and I’m so sorry.”
Tears fell down his tanned skin. “The miscarriage was not your fault. Neither was the fact that your parents tried to keep us apart, or the fact that Armani is dead. None of it is your fault, baby.”
I shook my head. “Yes it is and that’s why….” I choked on the tears raising in my throat. “That is why we can’t be together.”
He looked at me with those lost puppy eyes. “What? Lorelai, no! I love you…I’m head over heels in love with you.”
“I don’t deserve your love, Christopher! You may not be able to see it now, but you will!”
I didn’t know what came over me. I felt angry and shattered, and I didn’t want to tear him down with me.
Tears filled my eyes and fell down my cheeks. “I think you should leave now.” I spoke above a whisper.
The pleading and broken emotions reigned through his eyes along with the fallen look on his face. I caused so much turmoil everywhere in the people’s lives that meant the most to me. I turned away from him as I imagined myself tearing the heart out of his chest, watching it turn to glass and shattering right before me. I could almost hear the glass breaking. The shards of glass causing blood to drip slowly down my hands and arms.
“Y-you’re breaking up with me?”
I snapped out of the dark image haunting every corner of my brain. “It’s for the best, Christopher.” I trembled. “Don’t make this harder than it already is. Please.” I sobbed through my words.
He turned me around, and placed both his hands against my cheeks. “For whom exactly?” His voice cracked. God. What was I doing? Forcing him away from me would break both of us, yet I was so god damn insistent that this is what we needed.
“For both of us,” I lied. I was lying both to him and myself. We wouldn’t be better off apart, but I couldn’t admit that to him.
He shook his head. “No. I know this isn’t what you want. If you need time and space, fine. But I won’t let you push me away for good.”
I paused for a long moment as I sunk my teeth into my lower lip. “Chris…don’t make this harder than it already is.” My voice cracked as a sob found its way through..
He brushed his thumbs against my cheeks, leaned in and planted his soft lips against my forehead. He inhaled a shaky breath, and I could tell he was fighting back his own emotions. “Okay, if this is what you want. I’ll pack my stuff and go.”
His fingers lingered away from my cheeks before he took a step back and disappeared into the cabin. More tears fell freely, soaking my cheeks. My knees wobbled as I turned to look and see if he would come back and fight me on this. When he didn’t, I sobbed quietly and fell to my knees against the wooden boards beneath me. He couldn’t know that I felt any different. I wanted him to be free of the dreaded Castillo Curse that I was. I brought nothing but angst, drama, and heartbreak into his life. He deserved more, and I was sure he would find it without a problem. Any woman would be lucky to have him. I would have to accept that I could no longer fill those shoes.
Quickly moving up on my feet, I realized I couldn’t stay here once he left. I would disappear into the Pacific Ocean, maybe permanently.
A few minutes later, Christopher emerged from the cabin with his bag over his shoulder as I prepared to set sail. “If you need anything, you know where I’ll be.”
I turned to look at him. “Thanks, but I think we both need to keep our distance.” I wore a brave face so he wouldn’t change his mind, but I could feel the shattered pieces of my own heart breaking further.
He bit his lower lip. “Right. Well, you take care of yourself then, Lorelai.”
I stared at him for a moment. Part of me, er… my whole heart, wanted him to stop and fight for us. Instead, I said, “You too, Christopher.” I stood frozen watching him step off the vessel. The further he walked away, the urge to scream for him to come back became stronger; and yet, I continued to resist.