Shattered Glass
Christopher
Leaving Lorelai behind on Cakes and Pies paralyzed my state of mind. My heart beat loudly in my ears while memories and thoughts of the time we had raced through my mind. My own voice multiplied yelling and screaming, telling me to fight. This was not how it was supposed to play out. We were stronger than this, we were supposed to be stronger than this. I know that our parents didn’t want us together, but we jumped those hurdles. We were Montastillo strong. She represented beauty in all forms, her wit and my grumpiness kept our relationship growing at speeds of lightning. She proclaimed me to be the perfect man for her, her prince charming, her hero, the human furnace that kept her warm through the cold Sausalito nights. What she didn’t see was that she was my hero, too. She saved me from the imminent murder her father would have committed out of spite after I refused to take his money in return for leaving his daughter alone because I was madly in love with her.
Placing the car in park as I arrived back to the Castillo Yacht Club, I rubbed my hands over my face. Stepping from the car, I paced back and forth. I left because she wanted me to. I followed through because that was her wish. Had I really made the right decision? Was she testing me? Should I have refused to leave and stuck by her side? Was she lying about how she felt? There were so many questions that I couldn’t decide whether I made the right move. Moving my hands behind my head, I began to pace once more. I shouldn’t be here. I should be there making sure she’s okay. That’s what any man would do after his girlfriend miscarried his child. Dare I go back now? Or do I respect her decision and give her the space she asked for? I bit my lower lip as tears filled my eyes and threatened to spill over. Swallowing the godforsaken tears back, I grabbed my bag from the backseat and made my way back toward my parents’ house. My parents sat out on the patio with their morning coffee; and from the raised eyebrows that appeared on their face, I could see that they weren’t expecting me.
I avoided them and went straight toward the staircase.
“Christopher? Are you okay?” My mother called from the bottom of the staircase.
I stopped in my footsteps. “Yeah. I’ll be fine, Mom. What time is Dad leaving for work?”
“In a little while. Should I let him know you’re going to ride with him?”
I paused for a long moment and sighed. “No. I’m going to take a shower and work on homework.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, Mother.” I tried to not to give away my shattered heart and soul.
“Okay sweetie.”
Heart palpitations coursed through the left side of my chest after I made it to my room. Leaning against the door, I closed my eyes, taking myself back to our first touch, kiss, the first time I saw her with and without clothes on. The way she looked at me with her brilliant blue eyes were staring at me softly, loving, playful, mysteriously, or she was narrowing her eyes at me because I threw off her thought process. I was madly in love with every part of Lorelai Castillo. She had a heart of gold and she gave it to me. Oh god. What had I done by leaving her? Did I break her? The answer was yes. I might not have been able to protect her from Armani’s murder, but there had to be something I could’ve done to comfort her through the aftermath of the miscarriage. My head spun with memories and possibilities of how this break up would pan out. Would she show up to my house with a box to give me back everything that I left on the boat? Would some of those items be the framed photos she took of us and decorated the inside of Cakes and Pies with? Would she want her radio and the key to Cakes and Pies back?
Hours passed and my head was in a really bad place. The reality of the breakup and our future as parents, or lack thereof, set in. I locked myself in my bedroom, refusing to eat nor socialize with my parents who had both come up to check on me in the last several hours. I tossed and turned throughout the night, fighting myself to try and sleep but failed at the task.
The following morning, I managed to convince my mother that I wasn’t feeling well and she called me out of school. Going back to my room, I stripped my clothes off and decided to take a warm bath. Perhaps the warm water would relax my mind enough to sleep. Slipping into the tub, the attempt to take Lorelai off of my mind proved to be impossible. I started the water and plugged the drain, allowing the water to fill the tub. Submerging under the hot water, images of the last thirty-six hours ran through my head in slow motion. Discovering the blood in the shower under Lorelai’s feet spreading through the water blasted an arrow through my heart. The course of the weeks that passed us by since we’d found out she was pregnant were busy, but they were some of the best days we spent together. Outside of school, we spent the days decorating for the holidays, lounging around in our pajamas while she read from a parenting magazine. She would tease about our child naturally giving me a hard time, she thought it was the funniest scenario in the world. When she wasn’t teasing me, we were plotting out the sailing adventures we would take our bean on. Places we could drive on land were pinpointed on a map, with red dots; and Lorelai managed to find little sail stickers to stick on ports we could venture to up and down the West Coast, from Seattle down to San Diego. The memories of Lorelai simmered to the present time. What was she doing now? Was she resting or getting enough to eat and drinking water to keep herself hydrated? All of these key components to living a solid healthy life circled through my mind. I wasn’t only head over heels in love with her, I cared about her well-being like any damn good boyfriend should. Here I was at home when she needed me there most. Unplugging the tub after the water grew cold, I showered and dressed myself. I sat down and attempted to work on my homework, another task Lorelai and I tackled together.
Sighing, I gave up. There was no focusing in the moment. I crawled into bed, burying myself under the covers. This was a nightmare. Perhaps if I went to sleep I would wake up and this would all be over. Closing my eyes, I drifted off to sleep. The image of waking up to Lorelai watching me sleep when I woke up came to mind; and if she wasn’t, I would go to her.
***
Hours later, I blinked my eyes open and it was pitch black in my room aside from the alarm clock that sat on my night stand that read 10:00 p.m. Silence filled the house. Leaning on my elbow, I reached to turn the lamp on and stepped out of bed. I couldn’t accept the reality of this break up. Using the bathroom, I came back to my room, sliding a baseball cap over my messy hair, and slid my flip flops on before I tiptoed down the steps with my car keys and wallet on hand.
Arriving to the parking lot, memories of meeting Lorelai here ran through my mind. Sadness grew through my mind as I spotted her car, but she was nowhere in sight. Getting in my car, I drove to the Golden Gate Yacht Club, parked and made my way inside to where I left her earlier.
Stepping over the threshold to the yacht, I saw lights on through the curtained windows and knocked.
A moment later, the door opened and Lorelai stood there in her robe. She looked drained, her hair back in a messy ponytail. “Christopher? What are you doing here?”
“I needed to see you, Lorelai. I don’t think this… this breakup is right. I love you. I’m in love with you, and we… we should be dealing with this together.”
She bit her lower lip. “Chris…I-I can’t be with you.”
The broken shards of my heart shattered into tinier pieces hearing her speak those words as I pressed my lips together. “That can’t be true. I know you’re hurting, I know this is hard, but I want to be there to help put the broken pieces back together. Let me help you.”
She looked away from me. “You should go home. I’ve caused enough damage in your life, Chris. You deserve someone that will bring you joy and happiness and a lot less drama. I mean, look at me. I’m a damsel in distress ninety-nine percent of the time. I’ve caused you grief and heartbreak…” She trailed off as her voice cracked with emotion and dug her teeth into her lower lip. “I’m sorry, Christopher… but I can’t.”
“Give me one good reason. Has your love for me faded? Everything we had? Was it a lie?”
She was fighting back tears with every last ounce of strength she had; maybe I was getting somewhere. “My love for you was never a lie, Christopher! My father tried to kill you. Can’t you see how bad I am for you?”
I shook my head. “No, I can’t. Cause I would stand by your side until I took my last breath if it meant you were mine.”
“It’s late. You should get home before your parents wake up and realize you’re gone.”
“Lor…” I took her hands in mine squeezing them gently. “Never mind my parents. I need you in my life. I love you so much, and it hurts that I can’t be here to take care of you.”
“I need to take of myself now, okay? I’m sorry for pulling you into my messy life, but you’re free now.”
I sighed. “I can’t accept that. Look, maybe we need time and space to ourselves. I’ll come back in a few days, we can talk then.”
I wouldn’t take no for an answer.
She finally looked at me and nodded. “Maybe, you’re right. Let’s take a few days.”
Relieved that I got through to her, I inhaled a deep breath. I brought her hands up to my lips and kissed them gently, keeping my eyes on hers the entire time.
“Go home and get some sleep,” she whispered.
Letting go of her hands. “You too.” Stepping back, I watched as she shut the door.
Heading home, I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep and decided I would write her a letter, maybe reaching out instead of bombarding her would allow her to come around.
Dear Lorelai,
I’m not sure where to start, but I can’t seem to get you off of my mind. I’ve sat here trying to distract myself in every way I know how and still our memories, and your well-being through these hard times, run through me at a million miles a second.
I know I’m the last person you want to hear from, but I can’t let time slip away without getting some things off of my chest. You are the love of my life; and as I sit here thinking about it, we spent months planning our futures. The traveling we wanted to do, buying a house, and creating mini Lorelai and Christopher monsters. I feel the loss of our child and it tears me to pieces that all the plans we had were ripped out from under us. The miscarriage was neither one of our faults. You are not a cursed Castillo. You are the future Mrs. Montgomery. I need to know that you’re okay, and the only way I can do that is to be there for you. I need you. I need us. My heart yearns to hold you in my arms, run my fingers through those dark locks of hair, and kiss your tears away. I want to be there for us to grieve through this together. Please write back, or utilize your radio to contact me. I’ll be here when you’re ready.
Yours Forever,
Chris Montgomery
PS. I’m not giving up without a fight. You are the woman I want to walk through with in life.
Folding the letter in thirds, I placed it inside of an envelope and set it aside. I would drop it off in a few days when I go back to check on her.
***
Three days later
I woke up early on a Friday morning, grabbing clean clothes from the closet. I dressed myself, slid my kicks on and collected my backpack and the envelope. Downstairs, I grabbed an apple for breakfast and left for the Golden Gate Yacht Club before school started for the day. I arrived down the boardwalk on my way to the parking lot; and for a Friday morning, the place was a little more crowded than usual. Men in black suits and sunglasses blended into the atmosphere. I saw the first at the cafe in line waiting on a coffee. His partner sat at a nearby table. The second pair sat apart on the benches a few feet apart appearing to look alone, and the last pair stood outside the clubhouse.
I didn’t stick around to figure out what they were doing and I couldn’t have been sure that they were with the Castillos or the law was finally moving in to investigate Mr. Castillo’s yacht club. I needed to know more so I knew how to protect my family and Lorelai, but there were higher stakes of losing the only woman I loved and could love. I needed to get to her and convince her that living apart was not an option.
Upon arriving and walking through the entrance of the Golden Gate, I made my way back to where I left Cakes and Pies a few days prior. The dock that she was anchored at was now empty.
“Son of a bitch!” I mumbled under my breath and turned around coming face to face with Marie Castillo.
“Where is she? Where’s Lorelai?” She asked, looking just as confused as I was.