I’d woken this morning with a headache after a restless night of interrupted sleep. While I hadn’t had a full on nightmare, random, unsettling images floated through my brain. Slight traces of them still tickled my mind even as I continued to lay here. Knowing I needed to start my day, I dragged myself out of bed. After a quick shower and brushing my teeth, I threw on a pair of leggings and an over-sized tee that I tied in a knot at my hip. I didn’t bother with shoes before I padded out to the kitchen where I brewed a large cup of coffee.

Feeling the need for some fresh air to try and rid my mind of the remnants hanging out, I strode down the hall, steaming beverage in hand, passing the pictures that lined the walls. There were some of Josie and me, Josie and Miles, and even a few of Philip and me. Over the last couple years, Josie and I had taken great pains in making this house a true home. My parents’ house had been ostentatious and sterile. The housekeeper was paid a lot of money to keep all the marble and crystal clean and shiny. There hadn’t been any family photos on display. My mother had self-medicated to get through her day-to-day life dealing with a criminal husband who paraded his mistresses around. Most days she’d spent locked in her dark room, wallowing in her misery. Josie had been the one to practically raise me, even though she was still a child herself.

Things were different now. I lived in my own house, even if technically, I didn’t own it. And, even though I lived alone, it was a home. I took a deep breath and stepped onto the back patio. It was a gorgeous, summer morning, and there was a light breeze filtering through the giant maple tree in the backyard. The sun was already shining brightly behind it, casting a long shadow across the bright, green yard and over half of the twelve foot by twelve foot wood deck I stood on. I inhaled the smell of fresh cut grass.

I walked across the lawn, the overly long blades tickling the bottom of my feet, and crawled into my comfy, oversized blue papasan chair. I pulled my knees toward my chest, taking a cautious sip of my hot coffee, basking in the warmth of the sun radiating through the leaves, and tried to settle my mind.

Josie had picked well when she’d bought this house. I lived on a quiet street of mostly older couples. There weren’t really any kids in the neighborhood so it wasn’t often I heard the laughter of children playing. It was peaceful. Or rather, it had been until today. Now, it just reminded me of how isolated from the outside world I was. I knew part of that was my own fault. I was the one who didn’t venture out. I was the one who kept myself locked inside.

My thoughts lingered on Philip’s kiss, as they had ever since Sunday. My first one. Well, my first real kiss anyway. I didn’t count the peck on the lips from Billy Parker at recess one day when we were in second grade. And Mr. Childress, my father’s former business associate, had been busy doing other things to me besides kissing. I counted that as a blessing. Kissing was one thing he hadn’t tarnished. Kissing, especially kissing Philip, was something I was eagerly looking forward to doing again.

The feel of his lips against mine had sent delicious tingles racing through me. I’d expected his skin to be rough and dry, but it wasn’t at all. In fact, it was soft and just a little damp. Not slobbery, but the perfect amount of wetness. And when Philip’s tongue touched mine, my pulse raced, my stomach dropped, in a good way, my nipples hardened, and my core throbbed. His beard and mustache had lightly brushed my nose and chin, and it was so much softer than I’d thought it would be. It had been an exciting feeling. I hated that my skittishness had ruined such a beautiful thing. But when my hand had landed that close to Philip’s crotch, I’d panicked.

Even with all that, I was ready to do more kissing. With just one, I’d become addicted. I didn’t let myself think about what came after the kissing part yet. I just wanted to continue reveling in the fact that Philip kissed me. I’d loved it, and I couldn’t wait to do it again.

Poppy Park was the first place, other than Josie’s house, that I’ve stepped foot into in ten years. And even though it had been completely empty except for Philip and me, it had actually been a liberating experience. Like kissing, I was ready to venture out again. Nowhere crowded and filled with people yet, but somewhere new and exciting. I’d discuss it with Philip when he came by.

* * *

I’d just closed the folder on the portfolio I’d been working on when Philip walked through the door. My skin got all prickly as I looked him over. Maybe it was the kiss, but I was suddenly observing him with a more critical eye. I’d always known Philip was handsome, but we were friends, so I didn’t truly pay much attention to his appearance. But today, there seemed to be something about him that I couldn’t take my eye off.

“Is everything okay?” Philip asked cautiously, his brow furrowed as though trying to figure out a puzzle.

“Yeah, why?” I was confused by his question.

He just shrugged. “You’re just giving me this weird look. Like I have something on my face.”

Embarrassed at being caught ogling, I hastily responded. “What? No—um, your face is great. I mean—no, no there’s nothing on your face.”

My words came out rushed and awkward. I snapped my mouth shut with an audible click. Philip stood there for a minute, then shook his head before heading into the kitchen.

Smacking myself on the forehead, I jumped up and followed him. My list hadn’t been long this time, so there was only one bag of groceries, and Philip was already mostly done putting things away.

He shooed me to my chair when I tried to help. I huffed, but hopped on the bar stool, propping my chin on my palm as I watched him move around my kitchen. It was like I was seeing him for the first time. His shirt pulled taut in places as he reached in the cabinet, and the way his muscles twitched and flexed and bulged had me squirming a little in my chair. What was I doing? This was Philip. We were friends. I mean, I know I basically asked him to have sex with me, but that was because he was comfortable and familiar. I hadn’t expected to be this attracted to him. My eyes automatically focused on his butt when he turned away. I’d never noticed how tight and firm it was. Or how well his jeans cupped his cheeks.

The clearing of a throat had my eyes quickly darting up to catch Philip’s gaze.

“See something you like?” he asked, amusement evident in his tone as he crossed his arms and quirked an eyebrow. My face heated, and I wanted to crawl under my seat in embarrassment. Instead, I sat up taller and thrust my shoulders back.

“Actually, I was just thinking how nice your butt looked in those pants.”

Now, it was Philip’s cheeks that flushed pink. He coughed into his fist to mask a chuckle. “Thanks. I’m glad you approve.”

He leaned back against the counter and crossed his ankles. “Do you have a nice dress?”

I blinked, taken aback by the sudden change in topic. “Define ‘nice’?”

“Like, nice. Something you would wear to a fancy restaurant for dinner.”

“I’m not ready to sit in a crowded restaurant, Philip,” I said, trying to calm the intense anxiousness that burst through me at the mention of being around people. I know I wanted to venture out more, but not so soon. And not around so many people. Agoraphobia manifested itself differently, for various reasons, in those who were affected by it. For me, it was being surrounded by too many people, who might accidentally touch me. It was the feeling of being trapped with no escape. A familiar buzzing sounded in my ears and a metallic, briny taste filled my mouth.

“Casey,” Philip called out my name. While my eyes focused, he moved across the room and now stood directly in front of me, his hands palming my cheeks. I hadn’t even felt his touch.

“Look at my eyes, Casey, and breathe with me.”

I tried to match my breathing to his, and finally, my racing heart slowed, and soon, our inhalations and exhalations were in sync. We continued our shared breaths until my panic attack was under control. Well, that had escalated quickly.

“Sorry.” My voice came out small and ashamed.

“Don’t be sorry. I should have explained myself better. Still, you said you trusted me. Which means, you have to believe that I wouldn’t let anybody hurt you. Okay?”

Our eyes were still locked on each other’s. I could only read concern and sincerity in Philip’s gaze. I let out a thready breath. “Okay.”

His hazel eyes sparkled with approval. “I’m going to kiss you now.”

“Okay,” I repeated, this time in a hushed voice.

Philip’s lips touched mine, but unlike our first kiss, there was no hesitation. His touch was firm, but not aggressive. And I immediately opened when his tongue begged for entrance. Flavors of mint and coffee burst across my taste buds. He deepened the kiss and my whole body tingled at the sensation of his lips, tongue, and beard rasping over my skin. The tingle ran from my head to my toes, which even curled inside my shoes.

His hand fisted my hair, and he angled his head just right as he deepened the kiss. My brain short circuited, and all thought escaped. The only thing I could do was feel. My fingers felt the cottony fabric of his shirt as my hands stroked up and down his firm, muscled back. This was the kiss all the girls in school talked about, but I’d been too broken to even want what they’d experienced. I knew better now. I knew that I’d been waiting my whole life for someone to kiss me the way Philip was kissing me. As though I was the most important person in his life.

It was a mind-numbing, spine-tingling, toe-curling kiss that I never wanted to end. But as with all good things, it had to. With concerted effort, Philip dragged his lips away, but he still remained so close our heavy breaths mingled together when he rested his forehead against mine.

“A man could get used to kissing you,” he whispered against my skin.

“I hope not just any man. I hope you could get used to kissing me. ‘Cause I like your kisses very much,” I answered.

“Oh, I definitely could get used to it.”

“You’re welcome to anytime.”

“Good to know.”

Finally, he separated our bodies, but stayed close.

“Now, I’m going to pick you up at 9:00, and I want you to wear a nice dress. There is going to be food, but don’t starve yourself waiting to eat that late. Eat something light early on. Deal?” Philip asked, even though it didn’t really sound like a question.

I shook my head at the abrupt change in conversation. I wasn’t sure about this bossy side of him. He’d always kind of treated me with kid gloves. Then again, I’d agreed to do this his way. I was just a little trepidatious about it, no matter how much I trusted him.

Reluctantly, I agreed, not entirely comfortable with this. At least I’d have the rest of the day to prepare myself. I hated relying on medication as a coping mechanism, but in this case, I might have to cave.

“Deal. I’ll be ready. For the record, this sounds an awful lot like a date.”

Philip strode toward the living room, and just before disappearing around the corner, he turned and winked. “That’s because it is.”

I heard the front door close, but still hadn’t moved. Oh. Knowing I was way out of my league, I broke down and called Josie.