For the last sixteen months, I’d been taking fast-track online classes working toward my bachelor’s degree in accounting. Then, I planned on pursuing my MBA. My sister, Josie, had hooked me up with one of her friends who worked as a financial advisor. Even though I didn’t have any work experience, he’d given me a job. He’d mentored me when I first started out, until I’d gained my confidence. Now, that I was close to graduating, Marcus had taken a step back and let me work more independently, even though he still supervised. I couldn’t have my own clients until I had my degree in hand.

I was currently going over a client’s portfolio for him. Except, I was struggling to concentrate on my work. All I could think of was Philip and the question he’d left hanging yesterday. What if he did fall in love with me? Could I love him back? What if I couldn’t? I never wanted to hurt him. Damn, why did life have to be so complicated?

I’d lost track of how long I sat there reliving Philip’s words, but the sound of the phone ringing roused me. I checked the caller ID before swiping the screen to answer the call.

“Hey.”

“Hey, sis, how are ya?” My sister’s cheerful voice always made me smile. Our father, Charles Santiago, had disowned Josie when I was only fifteen. Until she saved me from my father two years ago, we’d spent the seven years before that apart. Since then, we’d grown remarkably close, especially when I discovered all she had gone through to protect me from our father. I owed my life to her.

“I’m good. Just taking a short break from work. My eyes were starting to cross at the portfolio I was working on anyway, so I needed a rest,” I paused, debating on whether or not to add the next part. Apparently, my mouth decided for me. “I talked to Philip yesterday.”

“And? Don’t leave me hanging. Did he say he’d do it?” she rattled off quickly.

I heard the excitement in her tone. She’d been trying to match-make forever. Any opportunity she had to throw Philip and me together, she did. Birthdays, Christmas, New Year’s. You name it.

“He said sex complicates things, and he didn’t want to risk ruining our friendship. Then he asked what would happen if one of us fell in love, but the other didn’t. He made damn good points, even if I’m not happy about it.”

Josie was unusually quiet. Finally, she spoke. “Let me ask you this. Do you think you could love him?”

Now, it was my turn to be silent. I thought about it. Could I love Philip? I adored him as a friend. He was kind and generous and totally made me laugh. So what if he was a little older than me. Yeah, I could easily love him. But, what if he didn’t love me back? Worse yet, what if I couldn’t get past this fear of sex I had? There were times when just the thought of it was suffocating. Like I was drowning in a thick, black mist as it invaded my chest with each breath I tried to take. I choked on watery vapors that penetrated my lungs. I shivered just remembering the horrible sensation.

Then, I would see Josie and her husband, Miles, who were the most affectionate couple I’d ever seen. Their relationship was beautiful and loving. I’d catch them holding hands, leaning into each other, whispering in the other’s ear, soft, sweet kisses, and I could literally almost feel the love radiating off them. It was during those times that I pictured Philip and me in their place.

Laughing together, affectionate, sharing not-so-sweet kisses and suddenly, I’d get a heavy, throbbing feeling, and I’d start to tingle inside. I’ve tried touching myself a few times, and while it felt good, there was this deeper, stronger sensation that always managed to elude me. I was twenty-four years old and had never orgasmed.

“I think I could definitely love Philip,” I said, finally answering Josie’s question. “Now I understand what he meant by sex complicating things though. I think I’m going to tell him I changed my mind. I don’t know if risking our friendship is worth it. Besides you, Philip is the only true friend I have.”

“I’m going to give you a piece of advice even though you didn’t ask me for it. I was in love with Miles for years, but he only ever saw me as a friend. Until I made this grand gesture and completely put myself out there. Then, suddenly, he saw me in a different light. It was the best, and the hardest, thing I’d ever done, but in the end, it paid off. Sometimes the biggest risks are for things that mean the most. You want to get over your fear of sex and intimacy. Maybe Philip can help you, and maybe he can’t. Yes, it might ruin your friendship. Then again, it might bring you more love and happiness than you ever thought possible. All the things you deserve. But, you’ll never know until you take a chance.”

“I’ll think about it,” I acquiesced. “Now, was there anything special you needed, or were you just calling to say hi?”

Josie let the sharp change of topic go without another word. “I called because Miles and I are having a cookout Saturday, and I wanted to invite you over.”

I hesitated because she knew I wasn’t terribly comfortable leaving my house. I visited her and Miles on rare occasions, but only because I forced myself. It was why I took online classes and worked from home.

“It’s totally low-key. Just family.”

I couldn’t help laughing at that. “Your ‘family’ consists of like eleven people, twelve if you include me. That is not my definition of low-key.”

“Immediate family, then. You, Miles, and me. Please say you’ll come.”

“Fine,” I huffed out. “What time do I need to be there?”

“Thank you! Be here at eleven-thirty. Love you.”

“Love you too. Bye.”

Great. I had two days to psych myself up into leaving the house. I was going to need them.

* * *

When I’d first started visiting my sister’s house, we tried to make it as stress-free as possible. Together, we called for an Uber and ended up exchanging phone numbers with the driver, Kelsey. Each time I went to visit, I’d call and arrange for her to pick me up. That way, I knew whose car I was getting into. If Kelsey wasn’t available, I’d skip going over there.

It was close to noon, and I was late. I didn’t have any excuse other than a panic attack. They still happened on occasion, but for the most part, I’d learned to control them, and they weren’t as severe as they used to be. Josie had called and talked me down from it. She asked if she needed to come get me, but I waved off her question. Kelsey was already on her way, and I hated to inconvenience her. Besides, I was an adult. I could do this. If I couldn’t even leave the house by myself, how did I expect to have sex with someone? I was taking back my life. Even if it was in baby steps.

After Kelsey dropped me off, I stood for a minute in the driveway, taking in the smell of hamburgers on the grill. My stomach growled, and my mouth started watering from the odor as I walked around to the side and let myself in the gate of the privacy fence.

Miles spotted me and waved just as I latched the door shut.

“Hey, Casey. I’m glad you could make it.” He set down the grilling spatula and pulled me in for a hug. It had taken me a long time to not flinch when he hugged me, and now I accepted them with only the slightest twitch.

“Thanks for inviting me. I’m so sorry I’m late. I take it Josie’s inside?” I gestured with a nod.

Miles shifted uncomfortably and ran his hand across his chin a couple times. “Yeah, about that. Just so you know, it wasn’t my idea.”

“What was —” My words were cut off when the sliding glass door opened, and I turned to see my sister step out. She broke into a huge grin when she saw me.

“Yay! You’re here. I didn’t hear a car pull up.” Josie hurried over, wrapping her arms tightly around me as she whispered, “Don’t be mad.”

I threw Miles a confused look. “Why would I —”

“Hello, Casey.”

My breath caught at that voice. I looked over Josie’s shoulder to see Philip standing inside the door frame, looking gorgeous as always in a tight navy t-shirt that only accentuated his broad shoulders, thick, muscled arms, and his tapered, narrow waist. He’d forgone his typical blue jeans and black combat boots for a pair of khakis and brown deck shoes.

“Hey, Philip. I didn’t expect to see you here.” My eyes darted quickly to Josie, who didn’t look at all guilty about her obvious matchmaking attempt. How I had missed his truck out front, I had no idea. Maybe because I’d been so focused on my breathing exercises and not throwing up. That sometimes took all my concentration.

He stepped onto the deck and made his way down the stairs to join us, his heat-filled glare directed at Josie. “I could say the same thing.”

I wasn’t sure if his words were meant for my sister or me. Either way, I was happy he was here.

“Well, I’m glad to see you regardless.” I smiled at him to let him know there wasn’t any awkwardness between us. We were still friends.

My heart skipped when he returned the smile, and I knew all was well. “Me too.”

Soon, the four of us were sitting around the patio table, passing the food around, talking, and laughing like usual. Miles was telling some corny joke, and Philip and I traded sly glances, communicating silently in our own secret language. It made me realize that everything was going to work out.