HE’S NOT BESIDE ME. I don’t even need to open my eyes to know that. His arms aren’t wrapped tightly around my waist. Just the same as I don’t need to open them to know that it’s Tuesday morning. It’s bright and sunny. I can already feel the heat coming through the open window. It’s going to be a warm day. He kissed me before he left over an hour ago. I think I remember him telling me he was going for a run with Callum.
I’ve lay here since he left with a million things going around in my head. And the one thing I keep coming back to is; what the hell have I done? I’ve ruined the friendship we shared. This is a disaster.
Yesterday, I took the lead, which is so not me. It was what I wanted, but now I’m not so sure. The dynamics of our relationship has changed and there’s a part of me that’s scared I’ll lose my friend.
I also found out Connor is a man of his word, not that there was ever any doubt, but when he told me last night we would be having sex again, part of me didn’t believe him. We did and we even had a break when he phoned for a takeaway after he insisted we needed to eat. And the surprising thing was, I had actually worked up an appetite and I managed to eat everything on my plate. Connor joked that we would need to have sex a lot more if it meant I ate a full meal.
I couldn’t bring myself to agree with him, even though a part of me did. Because sex with Connor was everything I could want and more.
Connor was attentive and playful all through the night. But now I know I need to leave his bed, come back to reality, and deal with whatever today brings. I checked my phone last night while we were having dinner. Callum had texted to tell me my interview was going to be aired in the States on the showbiz news at ten p.m. eastern. I’m now expecting Donovan to come back at me with something, although I’m unsure what. I’m dreading what he’ll say. What lies he might tell, because even I know he won’t tell the truth. There’s no way a man who craves the attention of the showbiz lifestyle will take this lying down.
A door banging closed downstairs has me opening my eyes. I’m sure it’s Connor, unless my Dad or Callum has decided to pay me a visit. I need to get up. I pull the covers off my naked body. Shit. Yesterday’s clothes are lying in a heap on the floor. I have two choices: wrap a towel around me or put yesterday’s clothes back on. I spot one of Connor’s crisp white t-shirts folded neatly on the dresser.
Climbing out of bed, I walk toward the dresser and pull the t-shirt over my head. The bedroom door opens and in walks Connor, dripping in sweat after his morning run. And he still looks incredibly hot.
His dark eyes roam my body and stop at the hem of his t-shirt. “And here I thought you would be lying waiting on me so we could continue what we started.”
“I’m sure we both have lots to deal with today.”
“Ella . . . I’m sure we do,” he says, strolling toward me. “But I’ll always make time for you.” I don’t doubt the sincerity of his words; it’s my own doubts that worry me. He places his hands on my shoulders. “Ella, stop thinking. Whatever is going through your head, push it to the side. Now, I think you should call Julie and go shopping with her today. You’ll need a new dress for tomorrow night.”
I sigh as I think of tomorrow night’s red carpet event in the West End cinema. “I’m sure I’ve got something I can wear.”
“I’m sure you have, but when I have you on my arm tomorrow night, I want to be sure you’re feeling like yourself and are happy.”
“I’m not sure about this.” His soft eyes study me as I think about his words.
“Ella, you’re overthinking again. Regardless of what I want to happen between us, I will always put your feelings before my own. You’ve already said you’ll be there tomorrow night and I’d love nothing more than to have you on my arm and tell the world you’re mine, but I won’t. But, I’m also sure that you’ll be in my arms, whether it’s because you need my support or you just want to be close to me. So I think you should humour me and go shopping.”
“Shopping! It was only a few days ago I couldn’t even go shopping for basic food and now you want me to go and spend a small fortune on a dress.”
He’s still holding me but looking a bit bewildered. “Ella, I’m not saying spending a small fortune. I just want you to be happy when you walk down that red carpet tomorrow night.”
“Sorry. I’m tired and stressed today.” I’m unsure of what has just come over me and I know I should walk away from him, but I can’t. He smiles and pulls my body to his, and I almost crumble.
“Come here. I take it now isn’t a good time to tell you your phone has been ringing non-stop this morning?” he says, rubbing his hands up and down my back. I know this is wrong to want to be in his arms. The selfish part of me has no qualms about being here. But there’s a part of me telling me not to lead him on.
It’s too late for that.
“Has it?” I ask, sounding surprised, even though I should’ve expected it.
“Yeah, and Trevor wants you to call him. He wants to come over and speak to you about a few things.”
“I see.”
“And one of the news stations wants an exclusive interview with you and me.”
“Why?” I lift my head and look into his eyes.
“Because of the pictures from Saturday night, both when we arrived and when we left.”
Oh! I don’t know about any from when we left, but I can only imagine how they looked considering my memory of the night is completely fuzzy. “Now, I need you to go and sort yourself before I remove my t-shirt from your sexy arse and I become a selfish git once again.”
“I’m sorry.” I break out of his hold and leave him alone in his bedroom.
“What the hell is wrong with me?” I ask myself when I’m finally back in my bedroom. I don’t understand any of this. Connor is here and probably all the man any woman would need. He has everything going for him. The pull between us has grown rapidly in such a short space of time. Or has it always been there and it’s only now that I’m noticing it? I don’t know.
I’m so scared of my feelings. Scared of allowing myself to fall for someone else. Scared to have my heart broken in two again. What Connor and I want are two completely different things, I think. He hasn’t denied his feelings for me, but I get the impression he wants a full relationship and I’m not sure about that. I don’t want to be judged. But I do care a lot more than I had thought about him. Oh, God. I don’t know what I want.
My life is so confusing.
I want to be happy. Maybe one day have a family. I want to fall in love with someone who loves me not for the fame or the money, but just for me. On the good days and the bad.
But with everything that’s happened recently in my own life, I also want to help make a difference to others. I’m all too aware that if it weren’t for my dad and the position he’s in financially then things could be very different for me at the moment. The house, the cars would be repossessed and I’m not sure how I would cope ending up with nothing.
I’m fortunate. I’ve come from a privileged background in the sense that my parents had accomplished careers in the industry that I’m now a part of. But they tried to keep Callum and me grounded.
I’m lucky, but I know others aren’t. What about those who find themselves losing everything they’ve worked so hard for. What happens to them when they lose not just possessions, but family and friends?
This is something that has been on my mind for weeks now. I’ll speak to my dad and Trevor about this. I’m sure they’ll be able to advise me further.
I pull off Connor’s shirt and stand with it in my hands. It smells of him, and now of me. Us. This is so not good.
Maybe he should go and stay with Callum and give me some breathing space. Time to think about what I want because I’m not sure I can do that with him around.
Do you want to go shopping this afternoon? I text Julie.
Julie: Yes, just tell me where and when to meet you.
Me: Ok. I’m going for a shower and Trevor wants to come and see me.
Julie: Looking forward to seeing you and hearing all about Connor.
I have no idea how I’m going to manage avoiding the subject of Connor. Julie will want me to spill all the details about yesterday, but for me, some things should remain personal. But maybe with everything else going on, I should talk to her about how I’m feeling. She might help me to understand what’s going on in my messed up head.
Or she might just get swept away on what I’m sure she’ll see as a blossoming romance between two friends.
I need a shower. Hopefully it will help slow my mind down because I swear all these thoughts are going to send me mad.
“So, there you have it,” Trevor says as he finishes telling me all about the soap opera and the contract as we sit in my kitchen with papers spread all over the island. “I’ve had my lawyer and yours looking at this and they agree everything is in your favour. Now, I don’t know much about the initial storyline you would be involved in, but that’s something we would find out when we sit around the table with the producers.”
“When can you set up a meeting?”
“They’re keen to meet with you and Connor as soon as possible, so I reckon before the end of the week. I’ve also been sent a script for a major movie; a book adaptation that sounds interesting. I’ve still to read through the small print on that one, but as soon as I do, I’ll send it over.”
“Okay. Anything else?” I’m still waiting for him to mention Donovan’s name and the reaction to my interview. I’ve been too scared to look online and see what is being said.
“Yes. Your interview is going down well. The response has been remarkable. You are being praised for speaking out in an industry where things like this happen on a daily basis, but no one wants to speak out because of fear of not progressing. That is a sad fact. I’ve seen it myself over the years when young actors have been taken advantage of. I know you’re still feeling reluctant about what’s going on but I think you’ve made the right decision in pressing charges against him. Do I think you’ll get anything back? No, and Archie knows this too, but it might just help someone else in the long run.”
“I know. That’s the only reason I’m going through with it, because I just feel stupid.”
“Enough, Ella. We’ve been through this. The young, mouthy girl I knew as she grew up and who I love wouldn’t stand back in this situation. She would want to take back control.”
“Trevor, I’m scared that girl is no longer here. That she’s gone forever.”
He comes around the table, sits beside me, and takes my hand. “Ella, you might be your father’s daughter, but Betty and I love you just the same. We were never blessed with our own children but you and Callum are family to us. Always have been and always will be. The strong determined woman—because that’s what you are—she’s still there. Within reach. She’s just biding her time, waiting for the right moment. I have no doubt she’ll make her appearance soon enough. Something or someone will light the spark to bring our Ella back.”
I throw my arms around him as my tears build and slowly fall.
“Ssh, come on. I don’t want you crying.” He rubs my back and I can’t help hoping that he’s right. The real Ella McGregor has been lost, and now I have to slowly find myself again. Footsteps entering the kitchen startle me. I lift my head to see Connor watching me with sadness on his perfect face.
So many unspoken words and feelings pass between us. But I do know that in order to find myself, I need to try and put whatever I’m feeling for Connor on the back burner and I think as he looks into my eyes, he already knows this.
I don’t want to hurt him.