WHO’S TO SAY WHAT WAS right for someone five years ago is right for them now? But for some, what was right for them five years ago is still right for them.
Everything in life changes on an almost daily basis. People change. Places change. Lifestyles change. Sometimes for worse, sometimes for better.
And why is it we always learn the hard way it’s the people you least expect that end up hurting you the most? I suppose that’s one of the reasons why it hurts so bad; because you don’t expect it.
But, then there are always some who will happily stay stuck in the rut they find themselves in. They have no desire to change for anyone. They don’t want to push themselves. They drift along in life and it works for them.
Then there are people whose lives change because of circumstances and, more often than not, not for the better. How do they cope when their world comes crumbling down around them?
I’ve always been told that we adapt to situations that are presented to us. Some people cope with situations better than others. That’s a fact.
These are all thoughts that have filtered through my head the past twelve weeks. I’ve not had much else to do but think when I’ve been stuck here home alone, while my so-called partner has been across the Atlantic, keeping himself busy with his A-list clients.
Donovan Bell, my unofficial ex. I’ve learned the hard way recently that, when your boyfriend is an agent to most of the rich and famous in Hollywood, I will always be placed low on his list of priorities.
So, do I just sit back and accept it? No, but under the current circumstances, I’m not sure what I can do.
People talk about the lifestyles of the rich and famous, but I’ve never really understood why.
Yes, it might look glamorous in the magazines, on TV, and in the newspapers, but in reality, what you see isn’t always what you expect.
Take me, for example. Ella McGregor, and before you put two and two together and come up with five, I’m no relation of Ewan McGregor, although I have starred alongside him. I was lucky enough to have a major role beside him in my first big acting job. He looked out for me, saying, ‘Us Scots have to stick together.’ I liked him a lot; probably my first on set crush.
To the outside world, it appears I have it all; A list of Hollywood blockbuster movies that I’ve starred in. The looks. The boyfriend. The house. The wealth. Well, the last one is debatable, given my current situation. But what good is all that when I’m having to deal with a whole host of problems on my own as my world comes crumbling down?
These problems that have cropped up out of nowhere aren’t even mine. I didn’t know about half the things in the letters I’ve received recently, until I read them and re-read them and finally put the pieces of the puzzle together.
Donovan should be here to deal with all this. Explain to me what the hell is happening, but he’s too busy wining and dining clients and not answering my calls. He’s been in L.A for twelve whole weeks now, but since the day he left me, there has been very little contact. He now refuses to answer my calls. He must have some idea of what the hell is going on here, so I don’t get it. I find my anger building towards him with him each passing day.
Angry is good. I can deal with anger. It’s better than all the crying I’ve done lately because I can use that as my motivation to get me through each day. And it’s been so damn hard trying to find my strength each day.
If he walked through that front door today, not that I think he will now, the first thing I would do is slap him hard across the face. Who the hell does he think he is? Putting me through all this shit.
What the hell have I done to deserve this?
Over the years, I thought we had a solid relationship that was based on love and trust. But it seems to me, everything I believed has been a lie and I’m left wondering where in the last five years it all went horribly wrong.
It hasn’t helped that while I’ve been trying to deal with all the crap, phoning lawyers and trying to sort out whatever mess he’s got us in, he’s been seen out and about with various actresses. I’ve tried telling myself they’re only clients, but with his non-communication, it doesn’t look good.
There have also been reports in the news speculating about a rift in our relationship. There wasn’t before, or maybe there was and I was too blind to see it, but there certainly is now. My mind drifts back to our last few days together. He was so distant and, at the time, I couldn’t place what was wrong. Now I know.
So what the hell do I do?
Do I cut my losses with him? Both my personal and professional life, even though he’s one of the best agents in the business? Or do I leave things as they are and pretend I know nothing about what’s going on?
I’m not some dumb girl who isn’t aware of the how bad the situation is. So, no. I can’t pretend, especially not to myself. Even though I’ve found myself pretending to those closest to me that everything is okay.
In my head, for everything he’s done to me, he’s an ex. I should find myself a new agent but then it would mean admitting I fucked up.
I’m a total mess.
Would I have got some of the parts I’ve had over the last few years without him? I don’t know. I’d like to think my acting would’ve gotten me the parts without him, but I’m sure he played a major role.
Have I come to any big decisions? No. Although I know what I should do.
My life is too fucked up at the moment. But I should speak to him. If he would only communicate with me, maybe then I’ll be able to make the right decisions for me and my future.
My future alone. Without him.
Up until this all started, Donovan was the love of my life. He was the one I saw my future with. But now, I feel as though my whole life hangs in the balance. I’m at a crossroads and I don’t know which way to turn. I feel as though I’m standing in front of a sign, directions mapped out before me, but they’re blurry so I don’t know what to do. What if I take the wrong path and it leads me to a dead end?
What then?
Will I be able to find my way back to the correct path?
I see my future at home in Scotland, not in L.A. and not with Donovan who would much rather be there. L. A. is his home, after all. He’s never really settled here in Scotland.
He’s taken so much from me. Destroyed me from the inside out. I hardly recognise myself anymore.
The last few years, my time has been split equally between here and the States, because of my workload. But for now, I don’t want to split my time. I’d love nothing more than to settle down, maybe even have a family at some point in the future. But as for my career, I have no idea what I want. I just know that I don’t miss the constant party scene that comes with living in L.A.
When I was young, I always dreamt of being rich and famous. I just wanted to be like my dad, the man who could never do any wrong in my eyes, and still can’t. I always wanted to act or sing. My singing voice is okay, but I learned at a young age it would never really make me any money.
I suppose it’s easy for me to say money isn’t my driving force, but I really do love acting. In the beginning, I, like many others actors, was probably totally taken in by the amount of money I was making and, of course, all the recognition that comes with being famous.
The recognition drives my friends daft when we’re out for a night in town and we get stopped and I’m asked for pictures, autographs etc. I used to love it. I’m not sure what’s changed in me, but it’s obvious something has.
Is it because I’m about to lose everything I’ve worked damn hard for over the years? That’s a very big possibility.
Donovan Bell has a lot to answer for. The first sign of any trouble was the day he left when his car was repossessed. Panic gripped me tightly that day, as I realised the extent of my problems. Problems that wouldn’t disappear and certainly couldn’t be ignored. Although, for a few weeks, I did ignore them until I realised that would only make matters worse.
I cried a lot and shut myself away from family and friends. Once my tears gave way, I did the only thing I could and phoned my lawyer, Jonathon, to see if he could find out what the hell was going on. Seems like my so-called boyfriend had got himself into a spot of bother, and he seems to be pulling me under with him.
Jonathon wanted me to let my dad know straight away, but I refused to tell him and so I avoided him as best as I could.
It didn’t take long for Jonathon to get back to me; this house that I own I bought outright after my very first movie; no mortgage, no finance. Nothing. Well, Donovan has somehow managed to re-mortgage it and re-finance my two cars. I face the possibility of them being repossessed. There’s no money in our joint bank account and barely anything left in my own personal account. My bank manager is looking into that because, as Donovan has emptied my account, fraud has been committed.
I want to wrap my hands around Donovan’s neck and squeeze life from him slowly, because these last few weeks he’s drained life from me. I’m not sleeping. I’ve lost weight. I’ve hardly left the house, and that isn’t me. When I’m here at home in Scotland, I always make time for my friends and family. I know they’re getting worried, but I don’t know what I would say to any of them. I’m embarrassed about what’s happening, even though I have no control over it.
It’s funny, with everything that’s happened, it’s made me realise I’ve lost myself somewhere over the last five years. I’ve lost the strength of the independent woman I was and I’ve become the one thing I swore to myself I would never be. I’ve become dependent on a man.
And not just any man. A man who I loved and trusted wholeheartedly. But Donovan has lied to me, stolen from me and, from the news stories coming from Hollywood, he’s probably cheating on me too. But I’ve not wanted to hear the stories. I switched the TV over.
Reality has brought me back down to earth with a bump.
I turn and face my bedroom mirror; my light brown hair is lifeless, my eyes look as though they have sunken into my face, and the black circles underneath are proof of my sleepless nights. I just wish this mess was sorted out.
For someone with so many connections in the world, how the hell has he managed to get himself and me into such a bloody mess?
My body shakes as I feel the strain of the past few weeks getting to me. Lack of food and sleep are bound to have an effect on me. Tears fall from my eyes and, in this moment, I’m not sure if there’s a way out for me, because I’m not about to ask anyone other than my lawyer for help. I just hope he finds a way out before I lose everything I’ve worked hard for. It might be nice if he could get the answers to the thousands of questions spinning around in my head. The biggest one being; why has Donovan done this to me? To us? The woman he was meant to love. I thought he would be my forever.
Clearly, I was wrong.