IT’S FOUR A.M. AND I’VE tossed and turned since I came to bed a few hours ago. Donovan has been at the forefront of my mind and I didn’t want to fall asleep thinking about him because, in the past, that’s only lead to a troubled sleep and nightmares.
And I had nightmares about him for long enough. I don’t want to go back to the darkness and crying that consumed me night after night when I first found out what a mess he’d left me with. I know I’m better than that, but here I am, allowing him to have undeniable control over my life.
I should get up because, if I lie here much longer, I’m going to wake Connor and that’s not fair on him. So far, he’s been understanding considering all I’ve wanted to do is push him away. And why have I been pushing him away? Because, in my head, if I push him away now, then it won’t hurt as much as it would months down the line when he decides I’m not worth the pain and trouble. I’m struggling to understand what he sees in me. I don’t get it. With me, there comes so much baggage.
Pushing the bed covers from my body, I swing my legs off the bed.
“Where do you think you’re going?” he asks. I thought he was still sleeping.
“I didn’t want to disturb you.”
“So you thought it would be better sneaking out of my bed in the middle of the night? Ella, sneaking about and hiding doesn’t suit you. Come on. Back into bed and talk to me.”
We do need to talk, or rather I need to talk to him, not shut him out. I need to be honest with him.
He pulls me right beside him and I rest my head on his bare chest. The steady rhythm of his breathing is soothing at the best of times, but there’s something more. There’s a connection between us, and in moments like this, he makes me feel calm and want to stay with him forever.
Forever. Is that really what I want? I don’t know. I’m not even sure how I feel about us, about him. My thoughts are a jumbled mess, and until my life is back to some sort of normality, I can’t think about what my feelings are for him.
“Ella, please. I can’t help if you won’t talk to me.”
“I’m not being fair on you. There’s too much going on in my life to even think about you. Us.”
“Okay.” I hear the pang of sadness in his voice. “But at least you’ve acknowledged there is an us. Ella, I promised you I wouldn’t push you into anything you didn’t want to do. I told you we’d slow things down but you didn’t want that. I’ve given you control. Everything that’s happened between us is because it’s what you wanted. I can’t deny my feelings for you, and if you decide you want to go back to being friends, then we will. Because I love you enough to give you the space you need.” I lift my head. “Stay where you are. I don’t want to see sadness and regrets in your eyes. And I certainly don’t want the words said to me out of guilt, but for me, there’ll never be anyone else I could ever love. You’ve been it for me since our very first meeting five years ago. You deserve to be treated with respect and, in my opinion, that’s how he should’ve treated you. I can’t change the past, but if you allow me, I can shape our future.”
He runs his fingers through my hair as I wipe my eyes. I’m not going to cry but that has to be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
“I’ve been scared to close my eyes and fall asleep because I don’t want to have nightmares about him,” I say as he comforts me.
“And you think that’s what’s going to happen?” I nod against his warm skin. “If it did, I’d be right here beside you to hold you.”
“I know that, and that scares me too.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I don’t want to confuse my feelings for you. I don’t want to become dependent on you to help me through bad times. If everything works out for us, it has to be because we both want it.”
He kisses me on the head and I know he understands what I’m trying to say, even though I’m struggling to say the words. “Let’s try and get some sleep.”
“Okay.”
“You look gorgeous,” says Connor as I enter the kitchen. He doesn’t look so bad himself considering neither of us got a great amount of sleep. He stands there in a pair of worn jeans and a white shirt that’s turned up at the sleeves. His hair is messy perfection and I wouldn’t have it any other way. “Are you ready for today?”
“Yes. I’m looking forward to this. What about you?”
“Of course I am. I’m spending more time with a beautiful woman and I’m finding out all about the charity you want to help. What more could a man want?” I blush and smooth down my cream dress, thinking maybe I’m a bit over-dressed for today’s meeting now that I see him.
I walk towards him as he leans against the sink. “Thank you and sorry,” I say, pressing my lips to his. “And I’m glad you’ll be there today.”
“Well, I do have to keep an eye on you and make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m sure between you and my dear dad today, I won’t get a minute on my own.”
“As it should be. How are you feeling?”
“I’m actually really good and I’ve come to a few decisions.”
He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to him. “And what are those?”
“Firstly, Trevor has emailed. I’ve been offered the part in the movie. Filming doesn’t start for a few months and it’s being shot between L.A and London.”
He smiles at me. He already knows what I’m going to say. “You’re accepting then?”
“Yes. I’d be foolish not to, especially when I already know the producers here in Scotland are prepared to work around my schedule. I’m not going to allow Donovan to hold me back from doing the job I’m passionate about.”
“Glad to hear it. You need this, just as I need . . .” He stops talking, not wanting to finish what he was saying, but he doesn’t have to. You. The single word he hasn’t said hangs in the air between us. He needs me.
And I’m starting to realise I need him too, but I want him more. My thoughts on every part of my life are mixed up, but I know for sure that my feelings for Connor Andrews are deepening with each passing day. Yet, still I feel confused.
“Stop thinking and just kiss me already.”
“Pretty sure of yourself, aren’t you?”
“Of course, and why shouldn’t I be? You’ve already seen all I have to offer.”
I stifle a laugh. “I’ve seen your package.” I cover my mouth with my hand in both embarrassment and amusement. He laughs and I’m sure my face is red.
“Yes, and I’ve had no complaints,” he says, leaning his head forward. His mouth is as close as it can be without touching.
“No complaints, huh? I’m sure I can find something to complain about.”
“I bet you can’t. You have bagged yourself some hot property, if I do say so myself.”
Oh, please. I grab his face, pulling his lips to mine, and cover his mouth, silencing him before he speaks again. His tongue traces the soft fullness of my lips before reclaiming them, crushing his mouth to mine, more demanding than before. I melt against not just his kiss, but his body.
I’m home.
I’m where I belong.
And the funny thing is, my thoughts don’t frighten me.
“Babe, we need to go or we’ll be late. And as much as I’m loving this kiss, I don’t want to be the one to ruin your plans.” His voice whispers against my lips as he pulls back from me, leaving me longing for more.
“You look so much better than you did last night,” my dad says, embracing me as soon as we exit my car.
“I’m feeling better. Honestly,” I tell him. It was late by the time everyone left. I felt as though the police officers were at my house for hours questioning me. God, at one point I even thought I was the criminal.
“Okay, then let’s get inside and see what we’re dealing with. After this, meeting we’ll go for lunch and I’ll tell you how things went with Jonathon.” I had forgotten, or conveniently pushed to the back of my mind, that Dad was meeting with our lawyer this morning about Donovan.
Turning my concentration to now, the three of us walk toward the building, ready and eager to find out what we can do to help the charity.
“Good afternoon, Miss McGregor. It’s lovely to finally meet you. I’m Michelle.” The woman before me shakes my hand.
“Please, just Ella. This is my dad, Archie, and this is Connor.”
“Pleased to meet you. Let’s go to my office and I can tell you all about our charity and then you can meet some of the staff and volunteers who regularly help out at shelters across the city and on the streets at night.”
A shiver runs through me with her last words and my thoughts drift back to the man from a few weeks ago, wondering how he is. Did he get the job he was going for? I hope so.
We sit down in her office and wait for her to start talking.
“We are a charity organisation that works to alleviate the distress caused by homelessness and bad housing. We do this by giving advice, information, and advocacy to people in housing need, and by campaigning to end the housing crisis our country faces for good. As a charity, we can’t provide homes, but we can provide all the help and support people need with housing problems. We are the lifeline some people need in order to get their lives back on track.”
“We also work alongside local councils and social care departments, and other charity organisations. I can show you our reports and achievements and tell you what we hope to achieve this year.”
“So I can clarify, you help not just those on the streets, but those who find themselves in poor accommodation?” Dad asks.
“Yes, and you’d be surprised at how bad some conditions are. I’m personally working alongside a young mum with two young girls who, through no fault of their own, lost everything after her partner died. Some of the stories are tragic.”
We spend over an hour talking in her office, hearing about everything the charity does. From helping with housing issues, to finding a homeless person a bed for a night in a shelter, which we’re told there aren’t enough of, to providing hot food and drinks, to providing men and women on the streets with basic everyday essentials. All the things I take for granted. It’s heart-breaking to hear.
In today’s society, people shouldn’t be living on the streets, relying on hand-outs from passers-by. We meet some volunteers who are getting organised to go to local soup kitchens where they can provide hot meals and advice, should anyone want it. We learn that the local authority is working with the charity and opens up some community centres that would be closed at night.
The advice and information given is different to each individual, but can include help with jobs, housing, benefits, and even advice for alcoholics and drug users.
We’re back in Michelle’s office, talking about a TV campaign she would like me to front, and I have no hesitation in backing this. I wanted to help before I came here today, but now, after hearing all the stories, I want to help more than ever.
“Michelle, I’d like to make a donation today,” my dad says, taking her by surprise.
“Oh, okay,” she says flustered. “I’m sure we can organise this.”
“You’ll have to provide me with details so I can arrange with my bank manager.” The minute he says that, I look at him and he smiles. “I’d like to boost your funds by giving you a sizable amount of money.”
“Erm, I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. The facts you’re telling us are almost unbelievable. To think that in this day and age we still can’t combat the homeless issue. I’m hoping my donation of five hundred thousand will help.”
“Wow, bloody hell. All my professionalism has just left me.” I laugh at her honest evaluation of herself. Trust my dad. “Archie, that is very kind. I can’t wait to report back to the board about this.”
“Michelle, I understand you have to report to the board, but I’d appreciate it if my name stays out of the media. As far as anyone else is concerned, this will be an anonymous donation.”
“If that is your wish, of course. But I’d love to be able to keep you updated on where and who it helps the most.”
Our meeting continues and we discuss the advertising campaign the company wants me to head, and I’m more than happy to do so, but it doesn’t seem enough. “Michelle, I’d also like to offer my services for anything I can help with.”
“Ella, you are already doing enough. Just having your name linked with us will bring in more money to help more people.”
“Yes, I know, but I’d like to help.”
“We never turn volunteers away so we happily accept. I understand you’ll have a busy schedule, but I’m more than happy to give you more details.”
“Yes, please.” After discussing finer details for the advertisement I’m to be a part of, we leave Michelle after she thanks us all for today.
“Well, that went well, don’t you think?” Dad asks as we stand in the car park.
“Yes, it did.” Today went better than expected and I’m pleased to be able to do my bit for a charity that helps so many.
“Now that I’ve made Michelle’s day, let’s get to the restaurant and I’ll make your day too, by telling you all about my meeting with Jonathon.” He gets in his own car after telling us which restaurant to meet him at.
“Archie McGregor is full of surprises,” Connor says, sliding into the driver’s seat of my car.
“Yes, he is.” What he did was something my mum would’ve done had she been here.