“CAN YOU PLEASE SLOW DOWN and remember this is my car and I love her,” I say as Connor takes another bend too quickly. My wee car doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s not used to all this erratic driving.
“Will you just relax?”
“I might if you slow down.” He laughs at me. Laughs as he takes yet another corner on this country road. I swear, if I survive this little road trip that he insisted taking me on, he might not. I turn away from watching him because it’s not doing my blood pressure any good. He hasn’t even told me where we’re going. I’m sure my dad knew before we left but he wasn’t letting on either. He just looked happy that I was going out instead of sitting around my house feeling sorry for myself.
Archie McGregor is the kindest man in the world and I’m so lucky to have him as my dad and friend. He gave me a kiss and whispered in my ear before he left. He’s put money into my bank account. I told him I didn’t want it, but he said, “It’s too late and it’s staying there.” Of course, I thanked him and told him as soon as I’m back on my feet financially I’ll repay him. His reply was to not be so silly. It’s made me think he’s only doing what any loving dad would do to look out for and protect his family.
But that in itself has got me thinking. I’m fortunate, but what about those who aren’t? Those who don’t have family and friends to turn to in their hour of need. What do they do?
My dad’s question about Connor’s premiere has also got me thinking. Maybe I should go, but then again, maybe it’s also time for me to read whatever has been written about me and Donovan over the last few weeks. Time for me to deal with and put an end to all the speculation. Because until one of us speaks out, that’s all it is.
Why do I get the feeling it will be me speaking out? Maybe Callum is the one I need to speak to. After all, he is a television presenter and reporter. He would give me all the details I need to know and maybe he’s the one I should do an exclusive interview with. After all, it would be easier for me talking to my brother than some other presenter or reporter who would only want a pound of flesh.
I can only do that when I’m one hundred and ten percent sure of what I want. And I know I don’t want Donovan Bell in my life. What we had is gone. He took that away with his lies and dishonesty. Do I still love him? No. I did, that’s why what he’s done hurts, because I didn’t expect someone I loved to treat me the way he has treated me.
I’m sure as the days pass, it’ll get easier but, until then, I’ll deal with it the best way I can, with lots of help from family and friends. I should start with dropping Julie a text and arrange to see her before she doesn’t want to see me again.
Missing you. I really do need to see you so I can explain x
She replies instantly: About bloody time. How about a night on the town tonight?
Me: Oh, go on. Why not? I’ll probably regret my answer but I really want and need to see her.
Julie: Ok, I’ll be at yours 8pm and we can get ready together x
Me: See you then x
“What are you smiling about?” Connor asks, parking the car. I look around and we’re at a beach. There’s no other cars in this small car park, so it looks like we’ll get to go for a peaceful walk in the open air.
“I’ve just texted Julie. I need to explain why I’ve not seen her in what feels like forever. She’s coming over at eight and dragging me out.”
“A night out on the town. Just don’t wake me up when you come in. Or maybe I’ll need to stay up to help your drunken arse up the stairs again.”
“Hey, cheeky.” I playfully slap his arm.
“I’m only teasing, but if you’re off out for a night on the town, I might phone Callum and see what he’s up to. Hopefully it will help clear the air between us.”
“Or you could come out with us. Never know, you might even find your perfect girl.”
He frowns, getting out of the car, and mumbles something.
“What?”
“Nothing,” he says, shaking his head. “Come on. Let’s go for a walk. The fresh air will do you some good. But if you feel tired, you have to tell me.”
“Will you stop fussing? I’m not ill.”
“No, you’re not, but if you don’t start eating properly you soon will be. And two bites from this morning’s toast doesn’t count. I’ve kinda promised your dad I would look after you.”
“Well, Connor Andrews, you shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.” I step away from him and start walking toward the beach.
“I’ll keep them.” His words surprise me, but I do think he’ll at least try and keep his promise to my dad.
He’s right. Fresh air is what I need. He’s behind me only a few paces and I’m glad he brought me out. I carry on walking toward the coastline, small waves splashing against the pebbled sand. I stop when I’m close to the water, close my eyes, and take a deep breath, breathing in the fresh sea air.
I sense him standing beside me before I open my eyes. It’s weirdly comforting being around him. “It’s nice out here,” he says.
“Yes, it is. Thank you.”
I turn to face him. He looks serious. “What for?”
“I’m not really sure, if I’m honest. For bringing me out.” He nor my dad and brother won’t really know what I’ve been through these last few weeks. Yes, they can all guess, but they won’t know the truth. The sleepless nights. The fear I’ve felt when I had the television on that there would be something on about Donovan. I always ended up switching it off. The panic attacks that I suffered on my own, no one with words of encouragement to help me through it. No one there to hold my hand or hold me in their arms and tell me everything would be okay.
No one was there because I chose not to tell them what was going on in my life. I chose to keep everything bottled up. I tried to deal with it on my own. But how do you deal with all that crap?
I pushed Julie away the farthest because, unlike my dad and Callum, she’s been in the country the last few weeks. She suspected something was wrong. Seeing her tonight is my chance to apologise and put things right between us.
It’s my chance to get myself back on track.
Now should be about me. Not Donovan bloody Bell.
Connor puts his arm around my waist and I lean in, resting my head on his shoulder. “Hey, don’t friends look out for each other? You’d do the same for me. And I know there must be loads going through your head about my friendship with Donovan. Here’s where I stand, just in case I haven’t made it clear. Our friendship is gone and I wouldn’t even know where to begin to try and justify what he’s done to you.”
“I know. But this must be hard on you.”
“Not really. You’re my friend and the thought that he’s deliberately hurt you isn’t something that sits well with me.”
“I think I need to see for myself what’s been going on with him.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I saw an article while I was in the hairdressers. He was with Katherine Hunter. So who else has he been out with and in what capacity?”
“Ella, will finding out really make a difference?”
“I don’t know, but it might help me to move forward. Put him where he belongs. In my past.”
“The only place he deserves to be is in jail for fraud.” I turn back, looking out to sea as tears fill my eyes. Connor is right; I know he is. That’s what Donovan has done after all; committed a crime. He’s right. My dad’s right. It seems I’m in the wrong for not wanting this to get out.
I listen to the sound of the water splashing against the rocky shoreline and my thoughts drift to happier times. I’ve blocked out the noise of the seagulls overhead. There’s always been something soothing about being by the sea. I’ve always loved it. That could be because, as children, Callum and I would spend lots of time with our parents at the beach. Dad’s schedule was always busy but, when he was home, his time was devoted to us completely. Mum’s time with us was precious. It’s only now she’s gone that I can truly appreciate how precious it was.
If she was here now, what would she say about everything? If she was here, I know I would’ve told her at the first sign of trouble. She was always the one I could turn to. She never criticised me or judged me on my decisions, but she was always there when I needed her the most.
The tears that were in my eyes moments ago fall as I think of my mum. She would hate to see me the way I’ve been. And that’s why I’m standing here in the middle of a beach with Connor’s arm around me, crying, because part of me knows this whole situation would have hurt my mum.
“Hey. What are these for?” Connor asks, stepping before me.
“My mum.” Connor pulls me into a warm embrace and I sink into his arms and let go.
He holds me tighter. “Ella, everything is going to be okay, and your mum, she’d be so proud of you. She’d also be mad at you for this, but she loved you. That was clear.”
I let Connor console me because I’m too tired to do anything else. He’s the one person I never thought would be by my side. But as he holds me in his arms, all the stress and anxiety I’ve felt since I found out about Donovan somehow doesn’t seem so relevant.
“Ella, you deserve to be happy. You deserve the world. I hate seeing you so sad. Christ, I’ve only been here a day and it’s breaking my heart. You might put a smile on your face, but you’re still hiding and, until you make the decision to let it go, it’s going to eat away at you.”
“I wish it was so easy.”
“Life is what you make it. You will come out of this mess with a smile on your face because that’s the type of person you are. You’re strong and determined but that doesn’t mean you can’t have this moment of weakness. We all have our weaknesses.” He takes hold of my hand and squeezes it and I want to ask him what’s his weakness, but I don’t. I stare out to sea and I feel better. Better is a good starting place. I can go on and build from this.
I hope.