I wanted to surprise Kingsley, so I was going to head over to his dorm to see him. We could give the bed a good try. That was probably where we should be hooking up anyway. I had Jason drop me off in front of my door, then turned to look at Violet before getting out of the car. “As much as I wanted to see Kingsley, I don’t want to leave you if you need me. We can get some Chinese food or—”
“Why do you girls only ever eat Chinese food? You know that there are other types of food, right?” Jason asked. It was nice that he seemed to have forgotten our original conversation.
“Chinese food has the right amount of grease to fill our souls,” Violet told him, and then smiled at me. “No, babe, go see your man. I’m gonna take these two to get Indian, or something that appeases this man.”
“Okay, but do you feel like today helped?”
“Yep, it opened my eyes and I’m looking at things a whole new way now.”
I stared at her for a second, a little confused by what she meant, but I nodded anyway. “Call me if you need me and I’ll come straight over.”
She agreed, I said goodbye to them, and Jason drove off. I thought about texting Kingsley and letting him know that I was coming, but then changed my mind. I wanted to keep being spontaneous. I kind of liked this version of myself. Besides, the look on his face when I stripped down to the lingerie was perfect. He liked being surprised almost as much as I hated it.
I walked down the path to the other dorm building and took a big breath outside the door. I was almost even more nervous than the first time. What if I did something wrong? What if he realized I was still bad at it? It had only been one time, what if he expected me to have, like, learned from it? Maybe I should have paid more attention. I made a mental note to focus on what he was doing and what made him feel good instead of how he made me feel.
I had a plan and red underwear on. It wasn’t the sexy kind, but it would do until I could get to the store. I rushed into his building and almost ran to his door, hoping I wouldn’t lose my nerve. I was about to knock when someone exited. It was the girl I had seen him with. His family friend, Karen, was leaving his dorm and her pupils were overly dilated. She looked crazy relaxed and there was a goofy smile on her face. It was similar to the face Violet walked around with after she and Berneli spent a particularly long weekend reacquainting with each other.
My breath caught in my throat. What was going on? “Kingsley?” I called, still standing in the hallway. For some reason, I was afraid to go in.
“Hey, babe, what’s up?” He leaned in to give me a kiss, but I dodged it and gave him the cheek. He had the same peaceful and relaxed expression Karen had.
“What’s going on?”
“No, no. Babe, just come inside. We’ll talk in here.” Kingsley draped his arm around my shoulder and half guided, half pulled me into the room. “How was your day? Did you have fun with Violet and Christie?”
“Yeah, uh, we knew the owner so he really helped us out.” I sat down at his desk, letting him quickly rush around and pick things up. But I didn’t want to continue the conversation since I didn’t tell him Jason was the one who took us to the range.
“Oh cool. Did Christie know him? That’s a good friend to have.”
I nodded, but he didn’t see it.
“Hmm, did they teach you to shoot? I mean, I could probably show you a thing or two. My dad’s had guns in the house since I could remember. I’m a great shot.” He smiled at me and I tried to smile back, but his eyes were distracting me.
“Listen, Kingsley, sit down. Please don’t change the subject. What’s going on?”
“What’re you talking about?”
I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t an expert or anything but I sat through health class when they went over the basics of drug abuse. His eyes were glassy and he seemed to be sweating. He told me he wasn’t going to be using anymore and he definitely wasn’t trying to fight a fire. So what was he doing?
“Annabelle, what’s going on?”
“Kingsley, you said Karen was giving you pills for your headache. Does she give you the Ritalin too?”
“What? I’m not using anymore.”
“Then why…” I started but I was having a hard time keeping my nerve. He was looking at me but I hardly recognized him. It was like he was possessed or something, but this was something I needed to know. “Then why does it look like you’re high?”
Kingsley jerked around, rubbing at his eyes, but it didn’t seem to help the glaze blocking the eyes I’d grown accustomed to staring into.
“I told you I wasn’t using anymore. Are you calling me a liar?”
“No, but I know things like that are hard to quit. I mean, you mentioned you tried some harder stuff back when you were in high school. Did you, um, did you fall back into your old ways?”
“Listen,” Kingsley said fiercely. He stuck a finger in my face for a second and then jerked it back. He started pacing, raking his fingers through his hair. The sweat on his brow increased and his shoulders seemed to shake with the effort to stay calm.
“Babe,” he begged, standing in front of me again. “Listen, you’re kinda right. Something is wrong and Karen offered me an extra something. I didn’t take it and I’m just trying to fight the urge, for you. I want to be a better man, for you.”
“What happened? You said something was wrong.”
“So, I told you Karen and I are from the same town, right?”
“Yeah.”
Kingsley sat down on the bed. I kneeled in front of him, waiting for him to open up. Whatever was wrong must have been serious. He looked devastated.
“Karen’s cousin died and she was really upset. I knew him pretty well, so when she told me, I got a bit emotional.” He dropped his head in his hands and let out a sob.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize…”
“No, you didn’t. And that’s why I was hesitant to tell you about my past with drugs. People just assume the worst, right? Like I used once so I must be a user. Well, that’s not the case. I just…” He covered his face again and took a couple deep breaths. “It just scared me that I wanted to use. If I didn’t hear your voice in the hall, I don’t know what would have happened.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me this?”
“I don’t want you to think I’m weak or soft. Karen and I just decided to put on a brave face so no one would know something was wrong.”
“No, I’m so sorry.” I started stroking his back as he pulled himself together.
“I don’t know what to do.” He slurred his words a little and tried to brush at the tears. He was really upset about all of this. I quickly pulled him into a tight hug and tried to absorb all of his pain. I couldn’t believe I was just accusing him of using when he was actually this crushed.
Then a memory flashed in my head. Violet had told me that after she was attacked, she wanted to be with Berneli because she needed a distraction. Maybe this would help him too. I nudged his chin up so that he was looking at me. Giving him a weak smile, I bent down and kissed him slightly. At the carnival, I decided I’d prove to him he didn’t need drugs to feel better or worthy. It was time to make good on that.
Needing no further invitation, he took control of the kiss and laid me down on the bed. I threw my arms around his neck and pulled him close to me, deepening the kiss. Kingsley slid his hand up my shirt and started to slowly stroke my chest. I purred as he grazed my nipple and relaxed into him. Then my eyes shot open.
I couldn’t help but think something felt different than before. He was a little sloppier with his kisses, and his hands didn’t feel as steady as before. I quickly brushed the thoughts aside and closed my eyes again. Kingsley needed me and I needed to take control from him. With a little force, I pushed him off me and then straddled him, just below his hips. I wanted access to him.
“I like where this is going,” Kingsley kind of slurred again.
I winked at him and reached for his belt buckle. Slowly, I undid it and slid it out of the belt loops, making sure he was watching. Then I worked on his button and zipper, until I could reach into his boxers and feel just how firm he was.
Well, how firm he should have been. Kingsley wasn’t that hard yet. But then again, it was still really early into hooking up. Maybe he needed a little more attention or something. So I stroked him from shaft to tip. Tenderly at first, taking my time while keeping eye contact with Kingsley. When he didn’t get harder, I sped up a little bit, hoping that might be the solution. As I got faster, Kingsley closed his eyes and made a face. It was kind of forced and looked like he was in a lot of pain.
I stopped. “I’m sorry,” I said, terrified I’d hurt him.
“Why are you sorry? Keep going. Pay attention to the tip,” he suggested.
I grasped him again and started to run my fingers over the tip as I slid up and down, but nothing was happening. I felt tears starting to build up. It was me.
“Suck it, just suck it. I haven’t gotten a hand job in forever. I’m just not used to them. Typically, girls move a lot faster.”
I licked my lips and pushed back my fear. I needed to make him happy. He was dealing with a death and my inability to please him. So, I slid his jeans off and then his boxers, hoping to get at more of him. I bent down and took him in my mouth. As I slid up and down, sucking as I reached the tip, I realized that I actually liked this. This act I thought would freak me out was actually turning me on. I liked the idea of the power I had and I started to really get into it. Until I recognized he was still pretty soft. How could I still be doing this wrong?
I stopped for a second and looked up at him, refusing to allow myself to cry. “What am I doing wrong?”
“Everything. You need to go watch some porn or talk to one of your slutty friends. I’m sure Violet could give you some tips.” He pushed me off him and quickly grasped himself, forcing his hand up and down his shaft as fast as he could. “Look, I can’t even get myself there, I’m so turned off. Just, please leave. I don’t want to deal with this crap while trying to deal with all the other shit in my life.”
Kingsley jumped off the bed and grabbed something out of the top drawer of his dresser, tossing it into his backpack. Then he shoved his bag over his shoulder and turned to look at me. “Please be gone by the time I get back.” He walked out and slammed the door as he left.
I waited a few minutes, in case he came back, but after six minutes, he was still gone so I decided it was time to leave.
After I left Kingsley’s room, I debated going to see Violet or Christie, but they were with Jason and I didn’t want to deal with him. He’d probably blame Kingsley or talk about how I didn’t do anything wrong. How could I not have done anything wrong? My boyfriend was grieving and I only made it worse. It was time to lick my wounds and consider doing a little research. Though, to be honest, I didn’t know if I could. I had enough of a hard time saying the word out loud, let alone actually typing it into the computer and hitting play.
***
I awoke the next morning frustrated in more ways than one. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t get any real research done. Every time I went to type something in the search bar, I panicked. What if someone was monitoring the internet? What if they saw what I was watching and kicked me out of school? Couldn’t it be some kind of honor code violation or something?
I went to class and just tried to focus on what my professors were saying. It was as if I was in hyper focus mode. I took intense notes, actually participated when the professors asked a question, and fake laughed when the girl next to me made a cheesy joke. But as soon as class was over and I was walking down the hall to the EET office, it all came back to me. I was out of things to distract me and the cloud of sorrow returned quickly. Then I bumped into someone.
“Annabelle!” Kyle screamed as he turned around and pulled me into a hug.
I tried to smile at him, but my heart wasn’t in it and he seemed to notice.
“What’s wrong? You look like someone beat you with a stick.”
“Not exactly. I just had a bad night, that’s all.”
“Was it Kingsley? I hoped he wouldn’t be doing drugs around you. I told him it’d upset you,” Kyle said as if he was doing me a huge favor.
I stared at him, shocked, trying to even formulate words. Shaking my head, I stammered, “No, he wasn’t doing drugs. One of his childhood friends died and he was really upset. Besides, I talked to him about that. He told me that he only sometimes takes Ritalin when he needs to focus. He isn’t using to get high.” I stormed off and tried to bite the tears back. Why was I such a mess? I never cried. I hated tears, they showed you were weak and emotional.
No, I wouldn’t cry over this. I squared my shoulders and walked straight to the EET office. We had a bunch of new members and I needed to input their information into our database.
I was about halfway into the list when the door flew open. I whipped around and saw two very angry girls who looked very dangerous. “What’s wrong?” I asked my two friends. I was instantly on guard, ready to go after whoever upset them.
“You tell us,” Violet said, giving me quite the judgmental look with pursed lips, creased brow, and hand on the hip. Christie had almost an identical look on her face.
“What?” I stammered, the wind kind of knocked out of me.
“We ran into Kyle and he told us something happened with Kingsley last night,” Violet informed me. “So, let’s have it. What happened?”
“His childhood friend died. He was just really upset.” I turned back to the computer, hoping they would accept the excuse and let me get back to work. The database needed to be completed before the meeting today.
“Right, but why would that affect you to the point that you cried?” Christie asked.
“I wanted to help him feel better, but it didn’t work. But let me deal with this, we can talk later,” I said, hoping to finalize the issue.
Violet walked over to me and pulled me into a hug. “It’s okay, honey.” She drew me into a standing position and I closed my eyes for a second. Big mistake. “Grab the keyboard, Christie,” she yelled, and dragged me toward the door, away from the computer.
Christie quickly unplugged the keyboard, holding it behind her back.
“Listen, honey,” Violet ordered. “You may think you’re hiding your pain, but you aren’t. Kyle saw it and he is high half the time. How obvious do you think it is for me? I know you.”
“Fine, but don’t laugh.”
They nodded and I took a deep breath.
“Last night, I saw this girl leaving Kingsley’s room and I instantly got upset. You know those stupid health videos where they show you people who are high. Kingsley looked like he was auditioning for the Blu-ray version. His eyes were like glazed over and he was sweaty, and he couldn’t sit still. I don’t know. Karen had just left his room and I remembered she’d given him some headache pills before so I asked if he was using.”
“You did what?” Violet asked, mouth open, eyes wide.
“He told me he wasn’t going to use anymore and—”
“You told us he wasn’t using in the first place,” Christie reminded me.
“I know. It’s not something I’m proud of. He takes Ritalin when he’s on call at the station ’cause it helps him focus. He used to do some harder stuff in high school, but he’s been clean since we’ve started dating.”
“What, a whole couple weeks?” Violet murmured.
I ignored her and continued. “Anyway, he said, well, that girl he’s always with, Karen, they were friends from home and that her cousin had just died. Kingsley and Karen’s cousin were good friends so they were devastated. She offered him some drugs but he turned her down and it was hard for him, but this wasn’t the problem.”
“Seriously? This isn’t the problem?” Violet asked, getting more judgmental by the second.
“Listen, I didn’t judge you when you started dating a professor. Back off, please.”
Violet lifted her hands in the air and took a couple steps back.
“What happened?” Christie asked, bringing us back to the issue.
“Well, I was trying to make him feel better. You know, like…” God, I couldn’t even say it. How could I try to do those things when I couldn’t even say them. I took a deep breath and looked at my friends. If I was going to talk about it with anyone, it’d be these two. They liked sex more than breathing. “Okay, I was trying to give him a blow job but he couldn’t get it up.”
“He stayed soft?” Christie asked.
“Yeah. Kingsley was upset because I couldn’t, well, I couldn’t get him hard. What kind of girlfriend can’t cheer up her man? He told me I needed to go watch some porn, but I couldn’t even do that. What if I get kicked out of school?”
Christie scoffed. “You won’t get kicked out of school for watching porn. Do you have any idea how many guys would be kicked out if they did that? We’d be going to an all-girls school. Well, maybe. Some girls watch porn too.”
“Well, I couldn’t do it. That’s not me. I just don’t really know what to do. If I can’t make him happy, what if he leaves me?” I sat down in the computer chair, utterly defeated. This thought had been bouncing around in my head all day, but I kept pushing it away before it could cause any real harm. Now that I said it out loud, I didn’t know what to think.
This was stupid. He and I had only been together for about two weeks, and only official for a few days. But at the same time, we just seemed to have such a connection that I thought maybe we could really be something. I needed this to work.
“Okay, this is the first penis you’ve ever touched. Relax. You two had a good time the other night and he didn’t have a problem getting excited, right?” Violet pointed out.
“Right, but I was in the lingerie Christie helped me buy. Maybe that was the issue. Maybe I had too many clothes on,” I suggested weakly.
“Yeah,” Violet said, nodding slightly. “He could have an underwear thing—some guys do have things.”
“Hopefully all guys have a thing,” Christie teased, pushing me gently.
Violet laughed a little and rolled her eyes. “I swear, Christie, you’re the equivalent of a thirteen-year-old boy.”
“That’s why you guys love me. Anyway, listen, if you want to watch porn, we can all grab the popcorn and watch some pool boy entertain the bored housewife at my place. Then the administration won’t kick you out of school. But I think we’re forgetting one thing. It might not have been your fault.”
“He tried to deal with the problem himself but that didn’t help. He said I was such a turn-off to him and told me to leave and do some research.”
“Under no circumstances should he be treating you like that. That’s crazy disrespectful,” she insisted. Violet nodded in agreement.
“It was my fault. Don’t blame him for the whole thing.”
“No,” Violet yelled, balling her hands into fists. “It isn’t your fault. This is bad behavior on his part. I don’t like the way this is going.”
“Me too. I wish it hadn’t happened, but—”
“Stop,” she screamed again. “I can’t stand by and let you blame yourself for something like this. You sound like a battered wife. Have some respect for yourself. Did you ever stop to think that there may have been another reason he couldn’t get it up? Kyle told us that Kingsley is a druggie. You said you thought he was using when you saw him. Sometimes it doesn’t work when you’re high. Maybe he did use and lied to you. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what happened.”
I looked at her as if she’d slapped me. “So you’re saying he lied to my face? Your suggestion is that he looked me in the eyes and lied? Why would you say that?”
“Annabelle, I’m just looking at the facts as you told them. I—”
“No. We all can’t have someone like Berneli. Kingsley is good to me and, so far, he’s been honest with me.”
“But you just met him!”
“So what? Why can’t—”
“Annabelle, you’re being naïve. You want this to work so badly that you’re willing to listen to whatever crap this guy feeds you and it’s ridiculous.”
“Is that what you think of me?”
I stood up and left the room. I was upset enough as it was. She was supposed to be making me feel better or giving advice, but instead she was bashing him. I never spoke to her about Berneli like this. I never told her she probably screwed up her future by dating Berneli. I supported her. Why couldn’t she do the same for me? It was just all too much. I didn’t need to be yelled at like this. Friends didn’t do that to each other.
I left the room, done with the conversation but still too ashamed I’d broken down in front of them. I ran into the bathroom, locking myself inside with my guilt and misery.
“Annabelle,” Christie called from outside the stall I was hiding out in.
“Not now, Christie. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I just need to pull myself together and get to the meeting.” I ripped up some toilet paper and forcefully wiped my tears away.
“Let me help. Come on, open the door.” She knocked on the door and I slumped my shoulders. But I didn’t open the door. This didn’t seem to faze Christie, as she climbed under the door and stood up in the stall with me. “It’s cozy in here.”
“What are you doing?”
“Things got a little intense in there. Violet means well, but she just got too emotional. It’s obvious she loves you.”
“I know, but she has this relationship with a man who truly cares for her. He would do anything for her so it’s easy for her to say that’s not right. Kingsley had a bad night. I really think he could be the one for me. Even if he was using tonight, he’d stopped. He just had this big crisis. I want to be there for him if he needs me. What’s wrong with that? I want him to be the one. Normally, he is so sweet and considerate when he is with me. People deal with grief differently. Isn’t it possible he didn’t handle it well but is still a good guy?”
“Yes, it’s very possible. Now that you’ve seen that bad behavior, you just need to watch out for it. I’m not saying that’s how he’s going to treat you for the rest of your life, but you need to be aware that he gets like this. Maybe you can help him handle it in a different way, maybe that’s not going to change. Sometimes, girls think they can change a guy, but usually they can’t. Just be careful. Did he get physical with you?” Christie asked gently.
“No, he just grabbed his backpack and left me in his room. He really isn’t like that.” I practically begged her to believe me.
“Okay. Just be vigilant. Now, about the drugs…” Christie started.
“Stop, I won’t get into the drugs conversation again. He promised he wouldn’t do it around me and I surprised him. If he was using, then it’s my fault I didn’t let him know I was coming over. Maybe if I did, it wouldn’t have happened.”
“You do know Ritalin isn’t something he’d take if he were upset like that, right?”
“What?”
“Yeah, he probably wasn’t taking Ritalin when you saw him. He was probably—”
“Stop. He already told me he used to use some harder stuff. He was honest with me about his old drug use. If that was what he was doing, then I’m sure it was just a slip up. That happens, right?”
“Yeah, I mean, a lot of people use recreationally, but I think it’s when people use while they’re depressed that it becomes an issue.”
“I don’t think it’s an issue.”
“You don’t think, or you don’t want it to be?”
I looked up at her, a little crushed. I didn’t want it to be an issue. Obviously, that was my answer, but I didn’t want to say it out loud. He told me he was stopping. Maybe he just needed someone to help him quit.
Christie looked at me and tucked a stray hair behind my ear. “Look, I don’t want to be the bad guy here. I dated a guy, before my main squeeze, and he was a user. I went to narcotics anonymous with him, I held his hand while I walked with him to rehab, and I cried when he relapsed. Being with a user is a big deal and it’s not something that can—”
“Kingsley isn’t an addict. He has a job, he gets good grades. He wouldn’t let something like that affect his life. So he had a bad day and may have used something. We don’t even know if he did. I think I may be making a bigger deal about this than I need to.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, besides, people use Ritalin like candy around here. It can’t be that serious.”
“Well, good.” She stroked my hair a little and sighed heavily. “All right, let’s go to this meeting, and afterward, the three of us can get some food and you two can work this little fight out.”
“Yeah, I’ll talk to her after the meeting. I’ll let her calm down a little bit first. I don’t want a repeat of that fight because we’re both still emotional,” I said, and smiled at Christie. I knew Violet got over the top, and usually I loved that about her, but she crossed the line. I was sure she realized it and we both just needed a few minutes to calm down. No way was some guy getting between our friendship for good.
Christie and I left the stall and went straight to the mirror. Luckily, I had grabbed my bag before storming out of the office. I had a powder compact in there so I quickly fixed my make-up a little bit. Then my eyes bulged as a realization hit me. I never finished the database.
We were going to be sending out important information for the concert and giving people access to club events after the meeting. There was a minor event this weekend and members were going to need early access to the auditorium to help set up.
“Crap, I didn’t finish the database,” I told her.
“Yeah, I know. Violet is dealing with that now.”
“Nice,” I said, and smiled.