Chapter Five
Clearing the breakfast dishes from the long dining room table, Kaylee stopped and watched as Amy and Reed talked. They were about ten feet away so she couldn’t hear what they were saying but their heads were close, almost…intimate. Amy’s hand was on Reed’s arm and Kaylee wanted to rip those fingers from her husband’s skin.
A red-hot jealousy had come over Kaylee this morning. Amy and Reed had spent most of the morning meal talking and laughing with one another. Her husband had barely looked in Kaylee’s direction which should have made her happy, but instead it pissed her off. The female marshal was all that Kaylee would never be. Tall and in great shape while Kaylee was short and soft. Sitting and writing books all day didn’t lend itself to being a hardbody. Add in the weight she’d gained over the last few years… It was no wonder Reed seemed to be enjoying the attention of a beautiful woman. He hadn’t had it at home. Not for a long time.
“If your eyes were lasers they would have bored a hole in Amy,” Ava said in a soft whisper, coming to stand next to Kaylee. “You know he doesn’t give a shit about her, right? He’s just being polite.”
Kaylee wanted to believe that but being polite didn’t mean that you had to let other women touch you. That bitch’s hand was still on Reed’s arm and she was looking up at him like…
Dammit. This was what was going to happen when she separated officially from Reed. He was going to find another woman, a better woman, and Kaylee was going to live the rest of her life alone except for maybe the cats she was thinking about collecting. She’d better get used to this because Reed wasn’t going to spend the second half of his life pining for her. He’d get on with it and find someone to share it with.
Someone else, that is. As in, not her.
Isn’t this what you wanted?
That little voice inside of her had a taunting tone that set Kaylee’s teeth on edge. This was what she’d wanted and she’d known it would hurt. She simply hadn’t known how much until now.
It was physically painful as if she’d been shot and then stabbed in the heart, the knife twisted slowly around and around until she begged for mercy.
You pushed him away. He’s only doing what you told him to.
I know that. I want him to be happy. It just hurts so much.
“Sure, he’s just being polite.”
“I’m going to make that offer again and say that if you want to talk I’m here for you.”
Did she want to talk? Not talking wasn’t helping much. She didn’t want pity, but a sympathetic ear would be nice. She’d visited one of those support groups once, but she hadn’t ever gone back. She hadn’t been ready to talk about it with strangers, even ones that had walked in her shoes.
“I think…that I do want to talk,” Kaylee finally said. “But not here. Somewhere we won’t be interrupted or overheard.”
If Ava was surprised that Kaylee had given in she didn’t show it. She knew her friend so well she’d probably expected it. “Let me talk to Logan about watching the kids for a few minutes and then you and I can go up to my room. We won’t be bothered there. We’ll talk it all out and everything will be okay.”
Ava didn’t understand. Nothing was ever going to be the same.
* * * *
“Reed and I separated about four months ago.”
Kaylee and Ava were sitting in the latter’s bedroom, both cross-legged on the bed, coffee in hand. The men and the children were downstairs and would hopefully stay there for at least a few minutes while she poured her heart out to her best friend in the whole world. She’d decided to just say it. Get it out there. She’d underestimated how much it would hurt to hear the words come out of her own mouth.
Eyes round and her mouth in the shape of an “O”, Ava was horrified. “What? Separated? How come I didn’t know this before now? Shit, forget that. Why? What happened? Did…did he…cheat?”
“I wish,” Kaylee groaned. “Then I could just blame him. No, this is all my fault.”
If anything, Ava’s eyes grew even wider. “Did…did you cheat?”
The last word was said in a hushed whisper as if anyone would overhear.
“Of course not. No way would I ever cheat on Reed. I love him.”
“But you’re separated? Because you love him? Help a girl here. I’m not following this.”
That tightness in Kaylee’s chest was back, like a giant iron band around her heart growing ever smaller. Taking a deep breath, she plunged into the icy water and spoke her truth. She hadn’t said it aloud to anyone. Not one person. Until now.
The truth will set you free.
Bullshit. It just makes me hurt.
“I can’t have any children.”
“I see.”
Kaylee shook her head. “I doubt it. I can’t have any children. Not ever. We’ve tried. Over and over. We’ve had all the tests. Fertility drugs. Assisted insemination. Nothing. The specialist – the third one I’d seen – finally told us that he didn’t think he could do any more for us. He doubted that I could ever get pregnant. I have what is known as Unexplained Infertility.”
“Unexplained infertility,” Ava repeated. “You mean they don’t know why?”
“They’re not sure. There are many causes including egg quantity and quality. Or it could be endometriosis or perhaps a previous infection, although I don’t remember any.”
“So what happens now?”
“Nothing. There really isn’t any more hope.”
That was the hardest part. No hope.
“Nonsense,” Ava’s voice was firm. “There’s always hope. You can find another doctor–”
“Stop,” Kaylee commanded, placing her hand on Ava’s. “Don’t do this. I’ve spent the last three and a half years doing exactly that to myself and I’m exhausted. Worn out. I’ve seen multiple doctors and eventually they all say the same thing. It’s not going to happen for me and that’s what I’ve had to wrap my mind around. It’s just not going to happen.”
Just like herself though, Ava wasn’t going to give up easily.
“There have to be treatments–”
“For what? There are treatments but for known causes. I don’t have a cause. Believe me when I say that I’ve done it all. The painful testing and the awful drugs. The side effects that were almost debilitating. I could barely write or function. And then add in the mood swings and I practically drove Reed away. I could be laughing one minute and crying the next. Some people have no side effects, some people have a few. Well, I had them all and even invented a few new ones. Suffice it to say I wasn’t a good candidate.” Kaylee sighed and rubbed at her temple which had begun to throb. “I know you’re trying to help and you’re the best friend I have, Ava. But believe me when I say that I can’t keep my hope up anymore. You have no idea what it was like month after month to fail. I’d get my period and I’d just sit down and cry. Then I’d have to tell Reed and my God…his expression of disappointment each time. It was horrible. I never want to have to do that again. Ever.”
There were tears in Ava’s eyes. “I can’t believe you were going through all of this and I never knew. I mean…I’ve seen you in person and I couldn’t tell. Why didn’t you talk to me?”
“Because I was ashamed.”
There it was. The absolute truth of the matter.
“I was ashamed,” Kaylee said again, needing to voice the emotion she’d felt for so long. “Women have babies. That’s what we do. It’s not all we do but it’s not supposed to be this hard. At least I didn’t think it would be. My body failed me.”
That’s when her own tears started, slowly at first and then a deluge that nothing could stop. Ava sat there with Kaylee as she sobbed, holding her and telling her that it was all going to be okay.
I want to believe that.
When the deluge finally subsided, Ava grabbed a box of tissues from the nightstand. “You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. So you can’t have a baby. It doesn’t make you less of a woman or anything, so don’t even let your mind go there.”
Ripping a tissue from the box, Kaylee dabbed at her wet cheeks. “Consciously I know that. But my subconscious…that fucker won’t give me any rest. There’s a little voice inside of me that keeps saying that I’m a failure. That I’ve let my husband down. How can he love me when I can’t even give him a child? He wants to be a father so badly, Ava.”
“I bet he wants to be your husband even more. Dear God, have you talked to Reed about this? Told him how you feel? He’d tell you that he loves you no matter what. I know that for a fact.”
“I tried to tell him but he honestly doesn’t want to hear it or acknowledge it. He keeps interrupting me and telling me I’m being overemotional. That it’s the hormones that are making me feel this way. That I’ll be better soon. But I saw his face that day, Ava. I saw how devastated he was. He pulled away when we should have been dealing with it together. And do you know why he pulled away? Because I’m the reason. Me. I’m the reason he can’t be a father. I think he resents me but he doesn’t want to admit it. That would make him a bad person.”
Ava blew her red nose and then tossed the tissue into the small trashcan beside the bed. “Okay, you need to listen to me. I mean it. Listen to me. First of all, I bet the hormones have done a real number on you. I don’t know how long they take to filter out of your system but they could have set you on this path and now you don’t know how to change direction. Secondly, don’t you think you should cut Reed some damn slack? He was upset and disappointed. He went off and licked his wounds privately. Men get like that sometimes. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or resents you. That’s the fertility drugs talking and you’ve bought into their shit hook, line, and sinker. He was shocked and he needed time to grieve. Have you grieved yet? I mean, really grieved.”
Kaylee shook her head. “I don’t know what you mean. We didn’t lose a baby. I’m infertile.”
“Yes, my friend, you did lose a baby.” Ava placed her hands on either side of Kaylee’s face so she had to face her. “You lost the dream of a family and that’s huge. You have to mourn that and you and Reed need to do that together. You’re so lost right now you don’t know whether you’re coming or going. The Kaylee I used to know wouldn’t need to be told this and that’s how I know that the desolation and grief that you’re feeling is going to pass. I don’t know how long it will take but I know that you’re still in there. You. And you matter. You can’t have a baby but we all love you. Our affection doesn’t hinge on you birthing a child. It never has. That was an idea that you built up in your head. It’s not true and it never was.”
All the words that Kaylee had wanted to hear. She desperately wanted to believe them. More than anything, she wanted to believe that somewhere deep inside the woman she’d been was still in there. She’d be older, wiser, and a little more sad, but she’d be there. Somewhere along the line Kaylee had lost track of her.
“Sometimes I torture myself with might-have-beens,” Kaylee admitted. She’d never admitted this to anyone. “Maybe I shouldn’t have drank that coffee or maybe I should have exercised more. Or less. Maybe I shouldn’t have had a glass of wine with dinner. Or I should have eaten more broccoli. I should have lost weight or not eaten that chocolate cake.”
“You were looking for a reason,” Ava replied, her voice growing thick with emotion and tears sparkling in her eyes again. “But sometimes there isn’t a reason. I’m so sorry that life has dealt you these cards. I think you and Reed would have made amazing parents. You have such a wonderful loving instinct around Brianna and Colt. Life is so unfair and I’m so very angry that you aren’t going to get to experience this.”
Kaylee’s eyes welled with tears. She was amazed she had any left to give. “I’m angry, too.”
“Do you think Reed is angry at you? Or at life? I know that before him you hadn’t had a lot of luck with the men in your life, first your father and then David. But Reed is different. He’s not going to leave you when life isn’t perfect. Is that what you think he’s going to do? Bail when the road gets rocky?”
“Yes, but now you make me rethink that. I understand that he might need to…process all of this.”
“Good, then this entire discussion has made some progress. Reed is angry at life, not at you. He doesn’t hate you, although I can see that you’ve been hating on yourself. You’ve made this all your fault. Has it occurred to you that Reed might be the one that can’t have children? After all, it was unexplained.”
“They checked him out. They didn’t find anything.”
“They didn’t find anything with you, either.” Ava gave Kaylee a watery smile. “Am I boggling your mind with all of this logic? You’ve twisted yourself up in knots about this. Have you talked to anyone? You know, a professional.”
“I went to a support group once.” Kaylee shuddered remembering the room full of crying women. “It was horrible. I can’t talk about my problems to strangers.”
“No, you’re not the type,” Ava agreed. “Maybe you need to see a psychologist. One on one. Or with Reed. As I said, you both need to get on the same page. He’s been hurting, too.”
“And I haven’t exactly been seeing anything outside of myself.”
“I’m not an expert in this but I think your reaction is natural. It’s just gone on too long without professional intervention.”
“And I’ve spiraled down,” Kaylee finished for her friend. “I’m a fucking mess is what I am.”
Ava swiped at her cheeks with a fresh tissue. “We both are at the moment. My heart hurts for you and Reed. I wish I had known earlier.”
“I wish I’d told you earlier instead of letting this fester and bring me to this point.”
Kaylee was tired of being tired. Of feeling like she was a failure and that her life didn’t matter.
“I have to find a way to live my life without having a child,” she said. “And I never thought I’d say that. I always thought my career would be enough and then I met Reed. We had so many dreams and plans.”
“You’ll get new plans and dreams.”
“I want something to be hopeful about. Something to look forward to. And I feel so selfish throwing all my issues on you when you have your own problems. You’re just trying to stay alive.”
“And here you are helping out,” Ava said with a laugh. “Risking your life, too. Maybe you’re more alive than you think you are. Or maybe you wanted to be near Reed. That’s a hopeful sign.”
Kaylee did want to be near her husband. More than ever. She wanted to console him and soothe his pain. Ava had made a good argument. They should be doing this together, but Kaylee had been pushing him away over and over again. It was a miracle that her husband hadn’t given up altogether and walked away.
Could they have a second chance? She had to try. The worst that could happen? Reed would push her away, confirming all that she’d thought for months. But maybe he still loved her and just maybe he could contemplate a life where it was just the two of them. It wouldn’t be what they’d planned but Ava was right. They could make new ones.
Kaylee simply had to take that first scary step…